If only we knew that the season we are in will not last a lifetime, we would relax, let go and let God do His work in us.
We need to be careful because the same lips we are using to complain about the promises not fulfilled yet, are the same lips that will shout in wonder and excitement at the mighty things God is able to do.
Let us cultivate a lifestyle and habit to practice gratitude, less complaining. Remember, God is not surprised about what you are going through. So lets trust him.
The past eight months have been about finding our feet as a family after moving to a new city back in October. The past four have been about trying to find solid ground in this new normal we all face. I hope you’ve found solid ground, many days I wonder if I have. For me, it’s been very helpful for my physical, mental and spiritual health to be outdoors in our garden: sowing, growing, and seeing nature’s daily changes. Days with time spent outside are better.
The reflection that follows comes from the garden. During the final week of June, froglets began emerging from our pond. Our family (kids aged 2 and 6) have been tadpole watchers since they emerged from the spawn their parents left back in late January. From the tiniest wriggling specks, through giant tadpole heads with tails, we cheered when we spotted one with back legs a few weeks ago.
We were slightly surprised when they were finally ready to emerge and hop about, they hid for their final transformation. They are tiny little things, about 1cm long. Completely and perfectly formed little frogs, teeny eyes, little webbed feet, extraordinary hopping distance with so many different colors and patterns. They clamber out of the water, the only home they’ve ever known; to then climb pretty much vertically up and out into the complete unknown, sure there is more to life out there.
One of the tiny frogs.
Some choose a foolishly difficult, nearly vertical way up and we giggle as they tumble back into the duckweed with the tiniest of splashes. Due to our house being nestled into a hillside, much of the garden is terraced. Hip and knee height walls hold back the hillside, creating a giant staircase. There is but one proper staircase up towards the top, the plant beds, and a way out of our otherwise walled garden.
Quite a few of the froglets hop in the easier direction: towards the wide-open space of the patio. Nice and flat, with tiny crevices between the tiles. Probably pretty great to get started but not a healthy and safe habitat in the long run. After a few attempts, the nearly 7-year-old has mastered how to catch them by cornering them and letting them hop into her hand, gently covering them with the other hand so they can’t escape. She swiftly walks them up the stairs to deposit them where there is plentiful food and they are less likely to be trodden on. Between us, we’ve probably moved 100 of them or so.
It’s struck me that even so tiny, these froglets have personalities. Some are keen to hop off the elevator hand the moment it’s opened; others just sit there for a few moments, surveying the landscape to decide whether it’s safe and a few even require a prod to get going; a couple leaves poop as a thank you and a very few decide to climb the hand up towards the arm to have a closer look.
The first ones spot the tiniest of gaps between fingers and squirm and wiggle until they squeeze out and hurl themselves into the air out of the tiny cave they were in, plummeting to the ground. They all miraculously seem fine after landing, but I find myself exclaiming: “oh you struggling creature, I’m trying to HELP you!” These tiny froglets have made me wonder: which one am I most like? When this thing that momentarily darkened my life retreats and I find myself in a different place, what do I do/ what did I do?
Do I run away from that experience as fast as possible? Never looking back? Or do I take the time to observe from a safe distance? Do I sit there blinking, immobile, while my eyes re-adjust to the bright light? Do I climb up to have a closer look at my “elevator”? Do I wander off pretending nothing at all noteworthy has happened?
I don’t think any one of these is either right or wrong; how and when to reflect on any situation will be dependent on what happened and your personality. I do, however, think we should, at some point stop and reflect on what happened and how we got to where we are.
Hopefully, with some reflection, we might see that there was someone there carrying us and saying: “oh my child, I’m trying to HELP you!” “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” Matthew 6:26-27.
I emphasize that slowing to ponder is very important. Let us lay down our worries and take time to reflect to see how our heavenly Father cares for us during the times when it is all dark and confusing. Know that you are SO precious to God.
Blessings,
Christina
Christina is a wife and mother of 2 active kids. She has a deep Dutch heritage but now settled in South West England after 6 years in Italy. She’s keen to find beauty in the small things: gardening, crafting, and noticing serendipity.
My friend once told me about the story of The Elephant versus The Dog. The elephant and the dog got pregnant at the same time. Elephants have a gestation period of 22 months where it gives birth to one baby elephant. While the dog has a gestation period of about 2- 3months and gives birth to five or six puppies. So, after three months the dog gave birth to six puppies while the Elephant was still pregnant. The dog got pregnant again and with the same pattern the dog gave birth after three months to another six puppies.
While the 18th month of the Elephant’s pregnancy kicked in the dog questions the elephant if it is actually pregnant and this makes the elephant insecure and starts questioning itself as well. However, the elephant is reminded that what it’s carrying is an elephant and not a puppy, hence it only carries one in two years. Once the baby elephant is born the earth feels it. It is a mighty and great animal that walks the earth.
One of the main morals of this story is that we should not lose faith when we see others receive answers to their prayers before us. Moreover, we should not compare our blessings to other people’s blessings. Being envious of what others have doesn’t take us anywhere. We should practice contentment and hold on to the fact that our time is coming.
With the rise in digitization and a wide variety of social media platforms, it is now so easy to connect with long-lost friends and even space to make new ones. However, with platforms like Instagram and Facebook where people show beautifully curated images of how amazing their lives are, it’s so easy for us to compare our current lives with those we see online. Several thoughts that run through my mind each day are:
“Wow look, she’s my age and she have a beautiful house of her own”
“Look he’s running his own business and is soon moving out of his parent’s house!”
“I wonder when I’ll be earning six figure salaries like she already is”
These are just a few examples of the toxic thoughts that race through my mind from time to time. A lot of us may be envious or even jealous of our peers, just because our lives are not lined up as seamlessly as theirs appear to be. This form of envy and jealousy often leads us to wish negatively upon our friends or even our family. Just so that we can feel better about the stage of life we are in.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy”. For me, the comparison was always something that I deeply struggled with. Whether it was consciously or subconsciously. I always asked God how is it that ‘so and so’ can get this and do this and in turn, I was always angry when speaking to God. I felt like life was unfair. I was confused as to why I hadn’t gotten my big break yet, just like everyone else. Bible plan after plan I still wasn’t getting it.
We must remember to provide pure genuine congratulations without trying to tear each other down. Contentment is the only antidote to the comparison. Instead of being envious or jealous, we need to be thankful and not try to dim anyone else. Similarly, to the Elephant story, we should be patient and content. God knows what he is doing, no need for us to try and take control of the situation or place negative wishes upon others.
Some verses that have helped to keep me from falling into comparison are:
We are told in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” The Lord knows each and every one of us by name. He knows exactly what we desire, therefore we should put our trust in him and know that he always fulfills his promises.
Also, in Romans 12:2 “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” Instead of trying to match up to everyone else, we should place our focus on God and his teachings. Instead of living like the world, we should live as Jesus taught us. The Lord will grant his promises he always does, but our focus should not be on materialistic things but on the mercy and the grace that he has shown us, and on the teachings he provided.
It’s not up to us to dictate our lives, the Lord gave us life and we should live according to our purpose. We all have a different purpose in life; therefore stop comparing yourself with others as it doesn’t make sense. We are called to trust in God and be thankful for all that he has provided us with.
Thandiwe Mutua.
Thandiwe is a 21-year-old Kenyan, living in Maastricht. She is an Economics and Business Economics student at Maastricht University. Living in the Netherlands for two years now has opened her eyes to embracing new cultures and has provided her an opportunity to be friends with people from all over the world. She’s always ready to have a good laugh and bring a smile to people’s faces.
We all go through seasons of uncertainty in our lives.
What we do not know is that , the storm or situation you are in will not look the same a month, six months or years from now. Since we do not know that, all we have is the hope in Christ. Let our despair turn into praise and we can praise God even in the stormy seasons.
So how do we stand in the storm and trust God through the pain and in the stormy seasons?
How can we keep staying the course even in tough times? : Psalms 46.
* Communal prayer
*Seek fellowship in wisdom
*Seek the good among the bad (gratitude)
*Stand still and see ( even in the tough times, be aware of the seasons and don’t wait to rush through it) take from it.
* Total surrender to God’s power to save.
May we find encouragement to sustain us through the dark nights.
My husband is teaching me how to play and rest. It’s not the best class to be in but I am doing my best.
“Dear God, please pray for mummy, that she will finish working in the kitchen and she can go and rest in bed”. This was part of I-J’s prayer a few weeks ago. I strongly believe that God speaks through people (children)around us. Her previous prayers have been ” help mummy finish work so she can play with me..”. This is because, I always keep on saying ” am almost done/ am coming, you start, I will join you/ ok, 5 minutes I will be there“.
Her prayer was timely because, that same week and more so the last 12 years , my husband’s repeated words to me have always been ” try to rest and do things for you”. “Learn to finally start saying yes to you and no to others and other things “.
I took his advice and planned some dinners out with girlfriends before the lock down. I remember coming back from one of them after four hours and he was like ” you were in that restaurant for 4 hours, did they not ask you to leave?!”. I said, “yes, we were there talking and didn’t stop laughing the whole time, looks like I need many of these to catch up”
About 8 weeks ago just before schools and daycares were closed, I took the last Friday of the carnaval break off. Plan was to go for a day trip somewhere, to just escape the uptight routines and enjoy our company.
However, my husband decided this momma deserves to have her time. Or let’s put it this way “let’s force her have time for herself” . So he texts me while I was still at work ” how about I take the kids with me for a sleep over at Opa so you can rest? but promise me that you will do nothing else other than focus on you, otherwise my mission here would have failed ” I was speechless.
He picked me up, with some take away ready so I didn’t have to prepare dinner that day, and after dropping me home, they took their over night bags and left.
After dinner, I was tempted to turn the house upside down especially now that I had the perfect time and nobody to distract me. However, I remembered what my husband said and I took myself to the couch, surrounded by the “weekly mess”, I controlled the urge to start sorting and clearing things , because once I started, I would not have stopped until I was done with everything.
I sent out emails, read some bit, watched a movie and even indulged in some unhealthy snacks without the tiny puppy eyes watching and asking “mama, what’s that”?. Its like they always know when you are eating something .
So, I have a confession to make, I don’t play and when I do, am constantly checking what needs to be done, how the paint needs to be cleaned off afterwards and that dinner I should get started on.
This past Saturday, like all Saturdays, I had spent the whole day, cleaning, laundry, meal prepping, updating kids wardrobes (changing the smaller clothes for current sizes- they outgrow their clothes too quick). After the last chore, about 6 pm, I finally took a shower and joined everyone downstairs. The 1st thing, I-J did was quickly ask ” are you done with everything or you still need to do something ? ” I responded, “no, am done”. She ran to me, hugged me tight and said “finally “!
For me, loving on them means, making sure, they have fitting and fresh clothes on their backs, nutritious meals in their tummies and a clean, comfortable house they can chill in and call home.
My love language is acts of service and giving. When it comes to giving and serving to show my love or care, I know no boundary. That’s why, when I spend the whole weekend planning and preparing my home for my King and princesses, and it means everything to me. I am then surprised when my husband stops me and asks “are you ok”? Just when am scrubbing the kitchen counter.
I would then respond ” yes, am okay, why, you ok”?. In my mind, am actually thinking, ” cant you see I am busy?” All of a sudden, I snap out of my mother goose bubble and realise, I had been ignoring the same people whom I claim to be showing love by doing and serving, while their love language is quality time, words of affirmation and physical touch and not really acts of service.
While I was busy running around the house doing stuff and ‘stepping on toes’ read (nagging about the socks next to the laundry basket and toys not picked up), my clan just wanted a reassurance once in a while that I really notice them even on that cleaning day.
Truth is, when I am in my weekend mama mode, I do not like to be disturbed especially when am deep in the scrubbing, I have my music very loud, once in a while I enter the room to complain about a sock I found or toy, then go back again.
I am learning, now whenever I am in my weekend modus, I make it my goal to ‘notice them’ , I will walk to my husband and ambush him with a tight hug, tell my daughter something lovely that’s music to her ears and then head back to my bubble.
Play, Rest and Appreciate – Family Image by Nelly
I am learning that, when I serve out of love, and would appreciate the same, those around me may not be able to do that, since their love language may be different. Therefore, when my husband wants to go out for a walk on Saturday morning as a way to spend quality time with his love, I need to respect it and take it.
Instead of thinking like I have thought a few times already ” what is that walk gonna do to me, I would have use that time to iron that bag full of laundry or better, walking is not leisure to me, I walked miles and miles in the scorching sun to school”.
Forgetting that, each time we came back from those walks, even though I am not the one with physical touch or quality time love language, I would be the one reaching out to hold his hand because of how we talked and connected. I would appreciate this time because our weekly lives are roller coaster lives. I then thank him for being intentional about such things that are vital in our relationship.
I show my quality time by spending it on cooking those long prep meals instead of sitting in the garden together. My mistake is, I have always seen it as ‘waste of time’. I was very wrong about that for sure. For a long time, I would relate ” if you love me, do it like me”.
2 years ago, when I was mourning my daughter, I wanted to go back to work a week after being discharged from the hospital. My friends had to literally force themselves to come and offer me help. Because, when they asked for permission to help like ” what help do you need? I would respond with “we are okay “.
They knew better and literally planned out meals for us. Some showed up to clean and so on. I don’t judge those who ‘rest’ in the chaos, I just still don’t get it, but with my husband’s training, I will soon be the master of resting in the chaos.
The past 8 weeks of schools being out have been tough for everyone. I can’t even begin to imagine what families are going through out here. My husband has been working from home with the kids, I still go to work and try to come back earlier. But most of the times, it means, coming home to kids who are happy and satisfied and mama has to fill in the ‘nurturing gap’.
I immediately come in and before I am even at the door, my mind is racing to the 100 things I need to do. I walk in and of course the kids want to also play with mama. However, this mama, has got no time for that. At that moment, all is going in my head, is why I am the one ‘who does everything’ around here.
I forget to put myself in my husband’s shoes to even ask how he managed with the kids, was everything ok? All am thinking is ” why didn’t the kids eat any fruit/ you could have easily taken out the laundry / did those dishes when the little one was napping “.
The last 8 weeks have made me realize that, my children can do just well and also thrive even better with their papa. Mama doesn’t need to be there controlling and affirming on everything. Ooh, and I am definitely not the one doing everything, not even close.
It all starts with us mamas, we do not delegate or ask for help because, we feel like, when someone else does it, it wont be to our standards. So,what happens is , help is not offered because, since it will not be appreciated, there is no point of offering it. I remember I have come back home from some trips, and walked in to a neat home. My husband would say ” we tried to tidy up, but I know it’s not how you would do it”
If we want to stop ‘hating’ or resenting our husband’s or spouse’s behaviour, we need to shine light on the things they do so well and to those they do out of love and support for us. Or else, we would only see ourselves as the ‘saviours’ and that’s overwhelming for anyone.
All I know is that, I will still be the mom that plays or relaxes but her mind is spinning planning out the whole week or that food I need to defrost and my husband will still be the one that is all in when he plays or takes time to rest. He will be the one that pushes the coffee table and makes space to sit on the floor with his daughters or have both of them hanging on or pulling on his leg or back.
I would instead be the one who pulls a chair while they are on the floor, because I want to make it easy for me to head out to what I was previously doing. I don’t want to get ‘trapped’ or get too comfortable ‘playing ‘.
Growing up, we played outside with other kids, I don’t have memories of playing with adults – there was no time for this, they were busy fending for us kids. The last 2 years, I am more intentional in squeezing time to say more yesses to my kids and husband but also surprising them in taking the initiative to suggest play or quality time activities.
These are all my confessions, I have learned to smile now when I walk in and see my clan, the face of my happy yet exhausted husband from the day with the kids and still keeping up with his work. I smile now and remind myself to appreciate him for making life in quarantine and even before quarantine beautiful and childlike for the kids.
To be honest, the dishes in the sink do not bother him at all, so he will go ahead and make great 3 course dinners for us like he always does when he gets a chance and feed the kids but pile the dishes there and maybe forget to run the dish washer because to him, his whole attention is totally on being with the kids and giving us a great dinner.
I on the other hand, I make it my responsibility to make the usual quick and pocket friendly healthy meals that keep the family going. On those rare occasions, I will be ‘playing’ with the kids, mostly because I-J had asked 100 times, and while at it, 50% of my mind would already have planned the following days dinner, laid out their clothes and already figured out how that finger paint stain would come out of the dress she’s wearing, all this while playing with her.
I also don’t take time off for myself, which is something my husband has made me aware of several times. Between the 2 of us, he is the ‘rest master’. The house would be in chaos , in my eyes with no order but he would out of the blues say “I am going for a nap” my ‘OK’ response would instead in my heart read (how could you possibly go and peacefully nap right now!, did you see me resting all this while?).
I dont know what rest is, especially when things need to be done, I would rather finish everything until I am limping, then sit down. Instead of take breaks , reflect and come back even stronger. So, I would get mad at my husband because he went to rest. Its going to take some time but I am learning.
These days, I relax on the couch and everyone is asking whether I am ok. They are just not used to seeing me do this. I sit when I am feeding the baby, for along time, I ate lunch in the weekends while ironing or cleaning the kitchen.
It has taken being angry at my husband to become more intentional about taking time for myself. Its difficult but I am learning more about self care. When you google the word (s) ‘self care’, there’s a lot of activities revolving around the physical, spiritual, personal, psychological and professional life that one can do to take care promote a good self care.
I need to take care of myself. I grew up in a an environment where taking time to rest was seen as laziness. In high school at a boarding school, when we walked to class after a break time, instead of running , we were punished for wasting time. Time to ‘rest’ was at bed time. That’s the same thing I saw in my mom growing up. She never took a day off for herself, it was only at public holidays but even those were spent on the farm harvesting or planting.
So, when I don’t take time to sit back, anyone sitting back and relaxing or chilling around me, is not on my good side and is attacked. It has taken a lot and seen a lot of tension but I am doing better, knowing that I cant do it all alone. We are all in partnerships and the sooner we realize that help has been offered and is available to us, the better it will be for our relationships to flourish.
Instead of waiting to criticize how the onions were not cut in Julienne style for dinner, let’s appreciate that we can walk in and sit right at the table to eat nutritious meals, prepared out of love.
I have to accept that, even though my husband is teaching me how to rest in the chaos and mess, I can’t change the fact that, I am the mama who doesn’t fill guilty about not wanting to savour the moment when the sink is overflowing with dishes or floors that are crying for a scrub. I of course find my balance, and definitely have come to realise that having some order and less chaos ,sparks joy in me.
In the meantime, I will try and accept help and take moments to tell my husband, that he is doing an amazing job with the girls, and I appreciate all he does for us, because the difference is, when he does it, he is usually all in, savouring the moment and that’s what matters. I don’t think I would be sane if it was me working from home with the kids.
Are you asking for and accepting help/ saying yes to yourself more/ intentionally seeking and finding gratitude in the little things/ commending your partners for everything they do/ giving yourself permission to feel and freeing yourself from the mama guilt/ loving on your partners by showing them attention, connecting with them and trusting them?
