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Emotions Faith over Fear Hope

HOW ARE EMOTIONS PORTRAYED IN THE BIBLE?

June 19, 2020
no fear just hope

Do you know what is the cognitive basis for some of your emotions?

Emotion is the way our brain makes meaning out of what we are experiencing. Emotions are an important part of of us and they can push us towards positive or negative actions.

They can motivate us to be zealous for God and to rebuke injustice by having a righteous anger. When we take anger as an example, God is more concerned about the thinking behind our anger than about the fact that we are experiencing anger.

Question is, are we showing appropriate emotion at the appropriate time? Are you the type that sees sin or injustice and you do not get angry? When we do this, we are actually failing to show appropriate righteous negative emotions when it is needed.

May the Holly Spirit generate God’s emotions in us so that we can we express them in ways that are building other people up. Remember, we don’t have to suppress our negative emotions, our duty is to bring them to God as raw as they are because truth is, God experiences these emotions too. So, its ok to bring your fears to God.

HOW ARE EMOTIONS PORTRAYED

Eph 4 : 26 “In your anger do not sin”.

Click here to watch the video on youtube

God bless,

Becky.

HOW ARE EMOTIONS PORTRAYED
Becky Castle Miller serves on the pastoral staff at Damascus Road International Church. She just graduated from seminary and is finishing her thesis on emotions in Christian discipleship. She is the author of the workbooks Following King Jesus and Teaching Romans Backwards. She and her husband have five kids and two cats.
Emotions Motherhood Shame

EPI 5: HOW TO EXPERIENCE GOD’S GRACE FULLY ~FORGIVE YOURSELF!

May 22, 2020
EXPERIENCE GOD’S GRACE FULLY

We conquer condemnation when we follow what God’s word says about us. It is the voice of truth. It says, you are free, chosen, forgiven, called and are a masterpiece. Romans 8:1 ” Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus “.

How is that even possible when are full of sin? Its because, we have the righteousness of Christ backing us up when we stand before the father. Just like the woman caught in adultery was told by Jesus ” I don’t condemn you, leave your life of sin”, we have also not been condemned.

You have been forgiven, so so don’t condemn no one and not even yourself. Remember, the old is gone and the new has come. Walk in that confidence and experience God’s grace fully.

Click here to watch the video on youtube

Be blessed,

Nelly.

Emotions Motherhood Shame

Episode 3 : behavior and experiences influence on parenting.

May 20, 2020
no fear just hope

Unmasking Gods’ grace.

#Recap We have seen that we need to let go of perfectionism and instead we can strive for excellence and high standards.

Remember that you are enough, you’ve got what it takes and you are God’s workmanship created for all good works.

Christ came to make is perfect by taking our sins and imperfections. We went ahead and dug deeper to see the root of perfectionism. Mine came from the physical and emotional torture (abuse) from high school and being brought up in an environment where punishments were the order of the day. It made one grow up to assume that violence =good results. We should not spare the rod, but lets find our ways to discipline our children without humiliating them.

behavior and experiences influence on parenting

Let’s remember that our personalities and our up bringing definitely influences how we relate to our children and also triggerstheir behaviour. The only way of punishment I knew was corporal punishment and spanking.

It was humiliating and brought shame, fear of criticism and disappointing others or failing. Knowing this, why do I automatically want to do it to my children , to get their attention? I have done it twice and after the last one, I don’t think I will do it again.

God’s grace is sufficient for me. All I have to do is 1st forgive myself and all those who punished me and didn’t relate the consequences or punishment with the misbehaviour, which makes one shut down and feel like its about them failing and not having made a bad decision.

Going forward, I pray we all find disciplinary actions that are full of empathy. Forgive yourself if you chose the ‘wrong ‘ way. We all know when we did that. That high yelling we did..etc.

Please share your views on what has worked for your family. My husband was raised in a culture where everything is brought to the table and openly discussed. I on the other hand, never had dialogue with an adult and violence was used to get our attention but also, assumed to equate good behaviour.

Let’s help each other.
God bless
Nelly.
#Shame #doesspankinghelp #TheAdultOrTheChild #IsSpankingAbuse Or #Violence #WhatDoYouDo. I still do not understand how kids are sent to their rooms as punishment, same way one might be surprised why I have spanked my child a few times.

Emotions Faith over Fear

My Life Will Never Be The Same Again!

January 5, 2020
no fear just hope

One of the last posts I did was, how thankful I was in the way God has been patient with me. Here is an excerpt from that post.

“{…..God is indeed patient with us. We have moments when we might have ‘ slagged’ in pursuing our purpose because of life’s struggles but He is always waiting with arms wide open. So , when you feel it’s time to step right back up, know that you are never alone. Your purpose is still where you left it at. You can pray ” show me my purpose Lord” no wrong in that but I feel we should praying ” Lord, where can I start from or continue from? I feel like you are leading me to this, should I go ahead?”.

We need to ‘wake up’ from our slumber as humanity is thirsty for our gifts and our presence. We should also not be comparing our lives with others, some of us have been called to hospitality to smile at people and hug them, others have been called to the screnes with microphones, to speak up in boldness without shame, and more so others behind the screen or any public scene.

Have you realized that sometimes, you have only scratched the surface of your full potential and purpose? It’s true that in some seasons we leak out and bless and there are seasons where we hide under Jesus’s feet to soak up of the kingdom.

We can’t pour out from an empty heart. On the other hand, we can’t keep ‘hiding’ and soaking up, we need a channeling out ~ a system that operates in balance of flowing in and out. That’s why we are here. We ought to be both a Mary and a Martha in kingdom work.

Wisdom is realising when you have been in one of the season’s for too long and doing the necessary. Have you been soaking up too long and feel like God is nudging you to get back out there?, or have you been leaking out and pouring out for so long and feel like you are no longer speaking from the vine but more so adding your own words? ……..}”

So, coming today’s post. I have not gone for a run or any active walk purposely for exercise for about 17months till yesterday as running was now an emotional situation for me. Before this 17 months, I had been running for 4 years almost every day at least 5 days a week , for at least 5km during weekdays and a 10km> on Sunday mornings. Before the 4 years of running, my quiet time was always during the day because I was alone, not working fulltime and could delegate quality time for it away from the chaos.

I switched to early morning quiet time before or during my early run because of my new fulltime job and because of the sitting at the office. I wanted to avoid the weak feeling at work, I wanted to always be pumped up, both in the Spirit and physically. When people said ‘hi’, I wanted to be the one that says “good morning!! and I actually was that person. #adrenaline.

Life Will Never Be The Same
Life Will Never Be The Same – Image by Nelly

Most of you know why I haven’t run for 17months. In July 2018, 2 days before my 20th gestation check up, I did my last 10km and 2 days later, I was told I have an Incompetent cervix (IC). Which meant my cervix was low and my baby wanted to come out because it assumed it was time due to the softening of the cervix which should start happening at 36 weeks and not at 20weeks. The doctor said, GRAVITY was my enemy .

I immediately stopped running and for a while blamed myself for what happened to my baby. Why? Because I was running 6 days a week during that pregnancy. Unless otherwise, its advised to continue with usual previous activities during pregnancy but not start them. So because I had been quite fit for 4 years, I continued with the running. After that appointment , I only walked 2 minutes to the bus and some small walks here and there to avoid blood clots. I was thankful that I was not bedridden upside down like most women are, until the remainder of the pregnancy.

After giving birth to my angel , I promised myself that I will not move a muscle when God blessed my womb again. So, apart from light walks, Amirah’s pregnancy was treated with the delicatenes’ of egg’, also because I was high risk of preterm labour. Thankful that she is here and came full term. I remember how I fasted and prayed for Olivia to reach 24 weeks gestation. So you can imagine, when Amirah’ was at 25 weeks, 30 weeks, and then 36 weeks, I was ready for her, in my own way.

The sedentary lifestyle was ok, but it only meant now, I had to squeeze just minutes for popcorn prayers in the daily ‘chaos’ and not my quality alone , uninterrupted time in the early mornings before the ‘world woke up’. Sometimes, it was IJ reminding me “mom, when are we gonna pray?”

I missed it with evvery part of my being. Don’t get me wrong, God doesn’t listen to us when we pray long prayers or judge us by the times we spend with Him. However, in our individual walks with him, each of us knows when it’s time to go for that deep soak in his presence and not the 123 pop up or popcorn prayers.

Deep down, I knew time was coming real soon when I had to get back to those soaking moments. You could get away during the day to spend time with God but when you can hear the daily commotion around you, then you will have distractions. You can still do it during the day but secluded place without responsibilities, where its just you and him.

For me, that’s the early morning 4.30/5am where I sit down read his word, then take it to the streets, listening to Him and praying, sometimes loud at the top of my voice. I love these moments and I missed it si much. But deep down, I knew I would be back by his grace, also because running was emotional for me after all that happened.

Today was the day, I resumed running and early morning street devotion and it was beautiful, I got to soak in my father’s love and presence. I run, stopped, walked, lifted my arms in worship, knelt, cried, even laughed, and it was beautiful.

It’s not just the getting back to physical activity and gaining energy but actually running and not getting emotional about it being or even never being the cause of my loss. It was just having an hour to myself where I am not thinking of anyone or doing something for someone.

My husband says, I have a weakness of not taking time off just to do something for myself like relaxing or chilling, that’s very true. I rather be clearing and organising the house to create a relaxing atmosphere that actually relaxing in it.

However, when I have the morning time to myself and my God, the rest of the day for me is okay. The mornings kind of set the pace for the day and knowing myself, my days are so full and I will only manage popcorn moment prayers. So gaining this is such a big deal for me. It also means, I am moving away from blaming myself for the loss of my daughter. It means, going back to where it all started and taking guilt by its horns.

I pray you are all doing well. My prayer is that you would take whatever fear has brought into your life by the horns, not by your power but by His might. Even if it takes you years or 17 months. God’s time is the best but remember He is already patient with us , so lets not wait too long. Once he has given an okay, move forth in faith. You are never alone.

Happy new year!
Lots of love.
Mama Faith, Hope and Love

Emotions Grief & Loss Hope New Normal

A Prayer For Those Grieving During The Holiday Seasons.

December 25, 2019
no fear just hope

I know for many, this holiday season will be different, with several family members missing from the table. I know of friends who were looking forward to the 1st Christmas with their newborns but who are no longer here and now this holiday season becomes dreadful. Other friends who have lost grandparents, parents, siblings and even friends. This is also our 1st Christmas without Oma. In their absence, this is my prayer for all of us. I pray it blesses your heart, as it has mine as I felt the Holy Spirit strongly.

Let’s pray.

Aba father, the holidays are here and for some of my friends, the losses are becoming even more evident and heavy on our hearts.

I pray for the friend reading this, who is doing everything they can to keep their faith strong, to trust in you. But it seems as if they are losing the battle.

I pray that they will not have to put on a face this holiday season, trying to hold back tears and putting on a smile , pretending they are ok and that their world isn’t collapsing.

Father, I know many are dreading the holidays and there isn’t anything that can make them put on a ‘holiday spirit ‘ and the sound of Christmas carols doesn’t bring any cheer. In fact, they want the holidays to be over. But God you are even closer to the broken hearted, may you embrace them even more this season.

I pray that grief will not consume their hearts and that they may know, they are never alone.

Father Lord, I pray for hearts that are overwhelmed, burdened and crushing with weight too heavy to carry. May you overcome them with peace and joy. I know for many, they have called on you but still can’t feel you. They still feel lost, unanswered and abandoned. I pray that your spirit will confirm your presence to them. “..The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:18.

Lord, your children need you, draw closer to them, lift their spirits, take their grief and replace it with your joy in abundance. Give them hope to see them through this season, hope that will bring them to the season where you get to restore all that was taken away from them.

Reveal yourself to them and show them just a glimpse of your glory and promises. Reveal to them your goodness even when it doesn’t feel that you are good.

Lord, teach us to keep trusting in you and to walk in the confidence that you Lord are forever faithful. Show your children a glimpse of what you are working on behind the scenes not because they doubt you but to strengthen their faith. Fill our hearts with joy exceedingly.

Lord, in Isaiah 26:3, you promise to keep in perfect peace all who trust in you. Lord, I pray that we will not be consumed with the sadness that engulfs us. Forgive us for focusing so much on what we have lost and getting our eyes to miss on the numerous blessings in our lives ~ your son Jesus Christ. Lord, help us fix our eyes only on you ~ the author and finisher of our faith.

Lord, help your sons and daughters feel your love in ‘ real ways’ they can relate to.

Lord, you tell us to come boldly (Heb 4:6), to receive your mercy and grace to see us through tough times. Therefore, Lord I pray for more grace, mercy for your sons and daughters right now. May you open your doors of heaven and pour it out, let it rain Lord , let it rain father. Pour
it our Lord. We can’t do without any of it. So, soak us Lord. We look up to you Lord. Our only refuge and anchor for our souls.

Lord, you are faithful to take all our our burdens and you ask us to bring it all to you (1pet 5:7), even though, we have a habit of taking them back again. Lord help us give it all back to you in exchange of your peace, light yoke and calmness.

Lord, I know many have cried tears and groaned such that, they lack words to say to you. But, so thankful because you know our hearts. As your word says in Rom 8:26 …that the Holy Spirit will help us in our weakness by praying for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words, even when we don’t know what God wants us to pray for.

Lord, we are weak, and just like David said, we only have a broken heart to offer, I pray that our broken hearts will be acceptable you in all humility. And our groanings will be a sweet sound in your ears, because you delight in your children.

Lord, even when we don’t see any good in a certain season, we know you are good and nothing surprises you. You are always working for our good. You say in Isaiah 43: 18-19, that nothing compares to what you are going to do and that you are doing something new and you have already begun it. It is my prayer lord that we are able to see you in the moment. Let us not miss you walking in our midst like the disciples. Instead, let us feel you and know it is you and has been you all along, even when it doesn’t please us.

“…But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland”. Isaiah 43:18-19

Lord, we will never understand your ways, because your ways are not our ways, and we surely do not command the sun where it should rise or create the borders for the seas. But lord, help us hold steady fast to your promise.

We do not understand when loved ones have to go, I know you will instead make beauty with these ashes that are in form of our grief. Let your will be done in our lives. Help us see with your eyes Lord. We may never understand how death and sickness work for our good Lord, but we want to continue trusting in you, take our unbelief and use our lips to testify of your faithfulness.

Lord, would you create in us a new spirit and do something new in us. Take our bitter hearts. Take the old away and make us new all for your glory alone.
Forgive us for try to figure it all by ourselves, Lord we surrender wholeheartedly to you our king.

Lord, thank you for your mercies and faithfulness that are new every morning, extending to the ends of the seas. Lam 3:22-23.

Thank you that your love for us never ends and they begin afresh each morning. Thank you for waking us up each morning. I pray for eyes like yours, that we will get to view this world and see the beauty that you see even in the middle of the ugliness.

Lord, your word says that , …this sadness is temporary and that your joy will surely come.

This darknes that seems to overwhelm and engulf us will be consumed by the light that is surely coming in the morning. Thank you for your favour upon our lives. I pray that you see your sons and daughters through their individual nights which for some of them seems to be longer than others. Psalm 30:5For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning“.

Lord, during this holiday season, I pray that you will reveal yourself to us. Thank you for your son that was born in this humanity, He knows what pain is. Thank that He is indeed Emanuel ~God with us.

Help us embrace your son, the gift you have given us, that we may be reconciled to you. Thank you that because of the gift you sacrificed, we can get to enjoy many other gifts in this life. Help us focus on those this season.

Lord, help us carry and share your good news and hope to all around us. Help us say a Prayer For Those Grieving and tell them about Emmanuel being here with us and that we do have to wait for you anymore. The promise is here ~ Christ with us.

Thank you Lord.
We surrender to you and pray this in your mighty name. Amen.

Merry Christmas you all.
Lots of love.
Mama Faith, Hope and Love.

Emotions

At War With Mother Nature.

October 28, 2019
no fear just hope

There are so many stereotypes around breastfeeding – what is right, how it should be done, how long, exclusive feeders feeling better than formula feeders etc.

I have come to learn all through my pregnancies, that in the Netherlands, breastfeeding is advised and formula is not looked down upon. Around the 3rd trimester, the midwife will ask you a couple of times whether you choose to breastfeed or formula feed etc.

Many women choose formula for various reasons. I found this very odd, the answer in my head was always ” …but offcourse…what else, why do you even ask, aren’t we all supposed to be exclusively breastfeeding our babies?”.

So, I had IJ and exclusively breastfed until 6months, introduced solids but kept breastfeeding till she was one.

With Olivia, milk production started 5 days postpartum after the crazy most painful engorgement period. I always say, breast engorgement can be worse than labor. The midwife and gynaecologist opted to give me this medication to stop milk production so it would be less emotional for me as there was no baby to breastfeed but plenty of milk, even at just what would have been 24weeks gestation.

Anyway, so I refused medication and chose to do it the natural way because I somehow wanted to experience the pain . I kind of felt that, me going through that pain justified something – not sure what. I had lost my baby, so what crazy engorgement pain could compare to that loss. I drank a lot of sage tea, fresh lemon juice, cabbage leaves on the bra, even the traditional tying method. After one week, the engorgement was less and within 3 weeks milk production had stopped.

Fast forward to now, after I had the baby, she was born with an appetite. Day one and two was no problem. Come day 3, baby was screaming of hunger, I latch her, she ‘kind of drinks’ but falls asleep 10 minutes into it and we think, she had enough. Only for her to wake up 30 minutes later, screaming her lungs out. Midwife, suggested formula to see how she reacts to it. My heart shrunk. I couldn’t imagine that my baby was going to have formula while here I was full of milk.

That night, we didn’t sleep because well, she was hungry after each feeding no matter how I latched her.
That night, I decided it was time to try formula for the sake of the baby. I kind of felt that my body was failing me again. By this time – day 4, the engorgement had started, so I wasn’t in my right mood or senses anymore with the pain. The next morning, midwife telepathically came with formula as well.

She prepared about 30ml of it and gave to baby, who finished it in less than 5 minutes. I watched the whole time. I had mixed emotions – I was happy she was finally eating but sad that she wasn’t getting it from me, the way it’s supposed to be.

This impacted me in some way, that led to to me not taking care of the engorgement, I didn’t care anymore for two days. The breasts were so full and so hard like stone. Each weighed about 2kg. I was swollen from my armpits downwards.

I couldn’t carry anything. Any contact with anything was traumatic. At the same time, I had pelvic issues, so I couldn’t walk for a week. I literally had to be helped out of bed by both postpartum nurse and my husband. I was dealing with a lot of things at the same time and these weeks were very hard.

Am grateful for the intervention of the postpartum nurse who comes with you at home and helps you for a week,as she motivated me to start doing something about the situation. She told me on day 6 ” today you are going to express milk, don’t feel defeated because you can’t breastfeed your baby, you still can do it”. I didn’t even budge .

War With Mother Nature
War With Mother Nature

Pumping is inhuman but very necessary especially for mamas who have opted for breastfeeding but also have to spend long hours away from the babies. Pumping then comes by default. It’s lonely as you do it in the late nights as well, deserted conference rooms, it may distort your nipples or even cracks them causing one to pump bloody milk but hey, it’s all for the good of the baby .

Anyway, she knew where my pumping gear was, so she later brought it down, put both the electric and manual one on. I came into the room to find them on the table with her waiting. I started expressing and wasn’t motivated at all. By the end of the session, I had done about 800ml..

This motivated me to pump more, and tell my brain, it’s time to do this! The only luxury problem is that I was now overproducing. I later heard that it’s not advisable to express a lot before 6weeks because the body doesn’t have a feeding rythm. Anyway, I was pumping 4 times a day and proud of myself that even though baby was ‘lazy’ to feed directly, she was still getting my milk. I later reduced to 3 times a day.

Fast forward to 4weeks up until now, eczema showed up and we thought ” this is maybe the same level as what IJ had” which we managed and she somewhat outgrew it. So, we moisturised her a lot but by 6 weeks,no improvement. We were then given some ‘ strong Vaseline ‘ which didn’t help at all.

At 8 weeks, her body had flared up, all red, scratching herself any moment her scratch mittens had fallen off, she wasn’t sleeping at night because of discomfort and to top it off, she had an ear infection .

We were fed up of the situation and went to ER. Where the dermatologist and paediatrician finally prescribed 5 creams which included a steroid hormone cream and antibiotic.

After one week of use, we saw good improvement but offcourse use of steroid is limited to only a week or two maximum, because of its side effects. So we now had to maintain this improvement with the creams we had. It’s still a challenging task but it will pass. We are now trying a few new innovative solutions recommended and others gifted by friends.

Coming back to mother nature, 2 weeks ago, I decided because of all this, I was going to stop breastfeeding completely. This is because, I wanted to eliminate any allergies coming from my diet. We haven’t done allergies testing yet, but I have read a lot about how different foods have led to baby allergies, and since I didn’t want to go on a trial run of eliminating one item at a time while she was suffering, I decided to cut the whole supply. It took me a long time to decide this.

So this time, I wanted the shortcut. I decided I was going to go for the medication because each time that week I fell back to expressing again, so I didn’t want to be tempted again when the engorgement started because of the full milk.

I went to the pharmacy only to be told, I needed a prescription. Going to be doctor, I was told, the medication isn’t available anymore because of the I’ll side effects it had. They had to take it off the market .

I was frustrated, the moment I want the medication, it’s not available. I went home and expressed again. By this time, even my body was confused. It was so difficult to stay off expressing because of the pain when I didn’t.
It’s been 6 days now of not expressing and boy oh boy, it’s been tough. I have been sick the whole time because of headaches, high fevers , no appetite and complete weakness. I was afraid of lactation mastitis as the past days were so bad.

Today, looks hopefully, no more 2kg breasts but a kg.
We finally shifted from standard formula to the hypoallergenic one. We want to try out this and see how it goes. When all looks good, we’ll try to incorporate the 6months supply of breastmilk in the freezer to her weaning foods in the near future or look into donating to the preemies at the hospital. We’ll see. For now I just want my baby to not suffer. 

I told Eyup yesterday, ” here I am, stopping milk production while a friend of mine is struggling to stimulate milk production for her newborn . It feels so twisted, as I was the same person who was doing everything (pumping) to stimulate milk production just 3 months ago and now doing everything I can to stop it. I wish I could continue but I don’t want that the same thing that should be good for my baby could be the same thing hurting her.

This experience has totally changed my perspective on motherhood yet again as well as on breastfeeding. Who says exclusive breastfeeding mothers or ‘EBF’ kids are the best?? Not good for those who continue to look down on formula feeding mamas. It could be for so many reasons really. But people don’t even take time to realise this.

Some don’t produce any milk no matter how many lactation appointments or medication they take, others have preemies and milk takes time to get going because the baby isn’t stimulating alot since baby is confined to incubator.

My younger sister didn’t have milk with her first child and is now exclusively breastfeeding her newborn who feeds a lot and she has enough.

To all mothers, whether exclusively breastfeeding, formula feeding or those who have weaned off earlier, you are enough and whatever you are doing is important, keep going. You know best.

I have friends who weaned their babies at 2weeks because they couldn’t afford formula and their babies have turned out so strong. Then I ask myself why do we judge mothers who are offcourse doing everything in their powers, though limited in their resources, to love on their babies and care for them.

To all mothers, you are doing an amazing job just loving on your kiddos and being there for them 24/7, whether you are in good health or even in your weaknesses or sickness. Motherhood knows no boundaries even the toilet . Continue doing what you are doing because at the end of the day, all you do out of love for your kids is all that matters, the naysayers will keep giving opinions but you decide what’s best.

In other news, I go back to work this Friday, so this week is a little hard especially with sick kids and Oma Kenya herself but grateful that Oma Kenya is getting better and able to love on my babies and give them attention while I deal with myself.

Sorry, no much encouragement today just wanted to let this out and let all mothers know that you are all enough.

Much love.
Mama Faith Hope and Love.

Emotions Faith over Fear Family Life & Marriage

My siblings and their birth stories : How is I-J doing?

September 10, 2019
no fear just hope

I do not want this baby…..!” How many more days still? ” Mom, I am so happy with her” ” I am so happy she is here, she makes me so happy” , ” so happy you are here, we love you“.

These are some of the questions and statements from IJ the last months.
Most children get excited about them getting a new sibling, someone to care for, play and also tease in love. What happens when that desire gets crashed several times due to a miscarriage, stillbirth or other fertility issues?

When we found out we were pregnant with Olivia, we shared the news with IJ almost immediately. She was the first one to know, which means almost everyone knew from then onwards she was like a radio station.

We were excited and so was she. She started making plans; sorting her old toys and selecting those fit for the baby, she thought of names and was counting days.

So, when we shared the bad news to her again that she now had an angel sister, her dreams were shuttered. She sat there watching her angel sister’s pictures with sadness but also curious to know what really happened.

IJ cries easily but I have never seen so much sadness in the eyes of a six year old like I did last August. I have written about her reaction in an earlier post. She went all ‘David’ on us – lamenting how God gave and took away.

After going through this and the occasional outbursts of sadness from her, you can imagine the dilemma we were in when we found out we were pregnant three months after Olivia’s birth. I have always announced we are expecting at 12 weeks like most people.

However, the thought of this last pregnancy took a long time to ‘grow’ on me. I usually tell my younger sister even before my husband , so we share tips, then my mom and the rest of the family and friends.

So I shared the news with my sister immediately after finding out but for weeks didn’t share with my mom, IJ nor family. It’s like I was afraid to break their hearts again.

After some discussion with my husband, I realized I have been advocating for not living in fear and here I was being anxious. In those moments, I remembered the verse that I had written on my scripture blackboard hanging in the living room –
2 Corinthians 4:18 NIV – So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

I had to fix my eyes on Jesus. Even though I had faith , I was like Peter in – Matthew 14 : 25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?

My ‘eyes’ were fixated on past birth experience gone bad, loses, broken hearts and the things I had seen. I needed to fully trust with conviction, the one who finishes what He started in His on way and the one who works behind the scenes but still reveals His work to His children.

I needed to fully put my trust in the ‘unseen’ the ‘spiritual’ which is His promises. Luke 1:45 “Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!” is powerful scripture that has been guiding my heart against doubt ever since. I needed to walk in the confidence that, I fully believe that my God will fulfill his spoken promises to me. In His own way.

As much as it saddens me, I truly believe that through Olivia’s birth, God is fulfilling his promise in some way. It’s my prayer that He continues to reveal how my broken heart was a part of His plan from the very beginning.

I finally shared the news with my mom almost halfway through the pregnancy as well as with IJ. IJ was overjoyed and said ” I told you, you were having another baby!!” This is because, the previous week, she had noticed my bump ( not that I had one , it was just the pregnancy weight I had not fully lost which she kept on saying “mom, are you having a baby”. {Side note: She has started saying this again to me 9 weeks postpartum , am like “IJ, that’s just baby’s water still in my tummy”}.

After her 1st reaction, she exclaimed, ” I do not want this baby!! That got me so good. I was still filming her reaction from the announcement then I had to stop. I asked , “why don’t you want the baby?”
IJ : ” because God will take again, just like he did with Olivia, he gave then He took again”.

She said this and walked away from me.
My heart sunk and right there I realized, all along, I wasn’t doubting God’s mercy in seeing me through this pregnancy , I was afraid of my baby’s reaction and how I was going to reassure her especially when I don’t hold the future. So, I told her the truth of how I know it. I then followed her, held her hands and reassured her from the view of a daughter of the most high who holds the future.

siblings and their birth
Image by Nelly ~ I-J meeting her sister (siblings and their birth)

Me: ” ooh IJ, offcourse you want this baby, I know you are scared but remember what we say about fear?”
IJ : “…yes, he’s a liar”.
Me: ” yes, and fear wants to take away your joy of being a big sister again, God is merciful and gracious and will always be with mummy”.
IJ: ” what is gracious”
Me : ” being valued and shown favour”
IJ : “what is favour?”
Me : ” when God shows us goodness even when we don’t deserve it, so let’s continue to pray that God will make mummy’s body strong for this baby.”
IJ: ” but we also prayed last time mummy”
Me : ” yes, IJ and God answers in His way”

That conversation ended with laughter because she then changed the subject to something totally unrelated .
She has done this so often. One minute we are driving or having dinner, then she goes. ” If Olivia is in heaven and her body is here in the world, how did she go up to heaven”?

Then you start explaining about our spirits and earthly bodies, and just when you are into it and even getting emotional since it’s still hard, she changes the subject or says ” yeah, I know”. I guess kids have a small attention span and only take what they can digest and not our PHD explanations .

So, ever since that day, IJ has been counting days. She started from about 150 days, which seemed like forever. The final weeks were exciting for her since she knew her sister was coming right before her birthday and before summer break so she could share the news with her friends.

IJ has done better at expressing her feelings more than me. You might remember my post about feelings and how I wondered what those were. I was brought up in an environment where there’s no time to feel but act , move and carry on. She has her moments where sadness kicks in and she says how she wished her sister Olivia was here.

This sadness increased also after her best friend – her grandmother passed away this past April. The feeling just hits her, doesn’t matter what we were talking about or where we were. I promised myself, that in those moments, when she asks about Olivia or cries out of the blues, I will stop whatever I am doing, and listen to her, because, I think, this has been her way of grieving and coping with the loss.

A few weeks ago, we just came home and just opened the door when she starts crying. Only to ask her and she says ” am very sad that Oma (grandma) and Olivia are not here. It took her papa to calm her down because I was not in a position to be of comfort to her as she had just opened up a well of emotions. .

In the beginning, she was angry and asked alot of questions about dying, heaven, spirit, God’s way of working and so on. Now, one year later, her anger has grown and transitioned to pride. Even though, she has her moments like the rest of us, she talks of Olivia with pride, always includes her in family drawings. She even tells her younger sister about her. ” I am big sister IJ and you have another sister called Olivia, you are the baby and we love you”.

We are so thankful of the young girl she’s growing into, so responsible, full of faith and loving.

All through my pregnancy, after she knew, she treated me with extra kindness. Asking whether my “body ” was now better. ( Because before, we had talked of and prayed for my body after Olivia’s birth).

I believe in my heart strongly that IJ had to be the big sister in our birth stories. Just like her name – faith, she’s been a reminder for us to hold on to Christ our solid rock even when we cannot see the things once spoken of or promised . We just need to believe that the dark night will pass and the morning sun will rise again.

I shared this before, the week Olivia was born, IJ was attending the VBS (Vacation Bible School) and she would come home each evening with memory verses they had learned . In the middle of her questions, anger and grief, she danced away joyfully to the songs of praise they had learned.

With tears in my eyes watching her, I thought “what a timely word of encouragement she was to our grieving hearts”. As she danced away while giggling, I paused to be grateful for the great blessing such as family in my life and most specifically the enormous comfort my then almost 6 year old daughter brought and stills brings to us.

In that same moment, my heart broke for the many women and families who are grieving like myself but lack the sweet comfort and sweet craziness of their own healthy child.

With our family dynamic now, everything revolves around the new baby and almost simultaneously, our angel Olivia. We can’t talk of this baby and not mention Olivia and that’s just how it is. Therefore, this baby will grow up knowing that she’s a rainbow baby who came after a loss. Not to replace her sibling in anyway but she was loved in her own way, way in advance.

So now IJ is stuck between these two attention babies. With everyone visiting and talking about the new baby and with everyone honouring her sister Olivia. Where is she in all of this,? Forgotten? Not in any way, she will now always be the big sister to an angel sister and a rainbow sister.

I pray that in the midst of the numerous dirty diapers and unending laundry or dishes, I will pause , hold her hand and tell her that she is loved, always has been and is our gate keeper. I also pray that I will not take for granted her enormous strength at only the age of 7, but I want be keen and notice her emotions and feelings so that, I am constantly there for her.
Love you IJ and thank you for taking care of all of us.

Thank you all for the support.
Will introduce our rainbow baby next.

Lots of love.
Mama Faith, Hope and Love.

Emotions Faith over Fear Hope

Faith Over Fear.

June 19, 2019
no fear just hope

The last few weeks, I have pushed myself to finalize most of the things to do regarding work and now am finally on maternity leave.

It’s getting real as now, my agenda is all about me and getting ready to meet this little princess  and offcourse the usual turning my house upside down and scrubbing the walls .

I just realized, because I have been all over the place, my emotions have not had the chance to settle and now that am home, I am beginning to realise how emotional and what a milestone this time is for me.

With I-J, I had just graduated and immediately started my master degree 5days after she was born and with Olivia, I was mourning and not really on maternity leave. So, having four weeks to prepare before baby’s arrival and another 12 weeks to care for the baby is a blessing I cannot begin to grasp.

Last Tuesday, I went for my routine check up. The lead gynaecologist who did both of my cerclages and has been with me since that emergency last year, came out to call out my name from the waiting room.

Immediately she saw my face, you could see that, no matter how she tried with all the faces staring at the waiting room, she couldn’t hide her joy, I had not been scheduled with her for several weeks now because of her tight schedule.

I hurried to her, she embraced me and exclaimed, “ooh 35 weeks!!!” And I responded “yes!! We made it!”. 

I love having appointments with her because I don’t have to come in and explain my story each time. She knows my story too well as well as the technical aspects of my body. Each time I talk with her, I can see how my story has impacted her as well.

Being a doctor, they ought to stand behind or be guided by facts, statistics and research. So in the middle of the storm last year, when they couldn’t rely on research telling me ” sorry, we have to go back to the national association of doctors to discuss your case as it’s unique and read more research”, I was on the other side of research, I was relying on my faith and standing on hope as the only sure promise I had from my heavenly father.

So, each time they walked in to give me bad news, I assured them that my baby’s name is Hope and my father isn’t surprised with what’s going on.

This doctor has seen me crying in fear on the operation table that night when I had arrived with bulging membranes and she held my hand tightly and said ” I am going to do my best to save your baby and keep her in”. She’s the same one who took out that same emergent cerclage after Olivia tried to burst through it.

On that day, we were both numb, she was called in, she looked right at me and shook her head almost to say ” how did we get here”. This is after I had seen her in my ward room an hour earlier and all looked good and we were hopeful that we would reach 24 weeks.

She’s the same one that was scheduled to see us at our last postpartum check and told us to wait for at least 3 months before trying again and said ” when you get pregnant, we will do a preventive cerclage at 12 weeks, then we have more room to work with”.

So at 8 weeks pregnant, I booked at appointment to see her and you could see the expression in her face. We talked about the cerclage and other restrictions since I was a high risk now. We talked about how this pregnancy was different but we will not forget the past experience.

At 12.5 weeks, she held my hand again as I cried again on the operation table, this time with the hope that my baby had a chance of not only passing 24 weeks but reaching full term. Those next 12 weeks leading up to 24 weeks were the hardest emotionally for me.

So, when she reaches out to embrace me instead of the standard doctor-patient handshake, I understand where we have come from. The last appointment I had with her was at 24 weeks which was such a huge milestone.

So, last week at that appointment, she set the date for removing the cerclage ~ next week Tuesday at 37 weeks. She said, bring your bags as this baby might just follow the cerclage and be born since the cerclage is the only thing holding your cervix right now..

So yes, we might meet this baby next week or she might be strong willed like her big sister IJ and come past due date .
To be honest, I have actually been praying that she comes at 38weeks which is still considered full-term and some have found this shocking.

I remember, a few weeks ago, a friend was in her 32nd week of pregnancy and I said ” now the count has begun for you” and she became so defensive saying..” Noooo, no, still 8weeks to go”! Then I learned that we all have different stories and journeys. For her, a full term baby is born at 40weeks.

For me, I am coming from giving my everything and wishing there was something more I could do for Olivia to reach just 24 weeks so she could be given a chance, even if it meant NICU time. So any gestation after 24 weeks is bonus for me.

Faith Over Fear
Faith Over Fear – Image by Nelly

We cannot judge people because of the experience they have or not gone through. It’s like me telling Kipchoge the Kenyan marathon record holder “ooh, that was wonderful, finishing at 2 hours, 2 secs”. Off course he will not be happy since his aim was to make it under 2 hours. The same for the racer Lewis Hamilton, every second counts. So it is with mamas who have never had preemies, all they know is full-term babies.

This journey keeps moulding and teaching me to be considerate of other people’s journeys and to continue sharing my story as my story might just become someone else’s survival guide.

I told my husband that am not sure whether my emotions are ready for birthing and how this time round it will be very different. I rely on faith over fear this time as my baby is called Love. What a constant reminder of what a friend wrote to me “that my heart is ready to love again” (~ “..1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear...”.
More on that next week. For now, gotta pack that bag and iron the last bit of clothes I rewashed .

Thank you all for walking this journey with me.


Lots of love from,
Mama Faith, Hope and Love. 

Emotions Faith over Fear

Mixed Feelings: Doing It Again In Complete Faith & Hope.

April 1, 2019
no fear just hope

The last 4 weeks leading up to this week have been emotionally hard on me. One being, I just passed a huge milestone for the baby am carrying ~24 weeks.

Olivia was born last August at 23.2 weeks and didn’t make it. All what the doctors kept on saying more than 100 times was ” if you can only get to 24 weeks, we will then consider the baby” or ” we just need to get you to 24 weeks”.

So many mixed emotions as in my mind, I should be nursing Olivia right now yet am carrying her sister. This is because, the unexpected feelings of grief always surprise you when you least expect them.

I am beyond grateful for this baby but to be honest, it’s just now that I am beginning to realise that I am actually pregnant and hopefully I can start enjoying it. It’s not like I have been living in fear, but am still a high risk mother and alot has happened since that +ve test. I will share more later.

Losing Olivia has made become more aware of the reality of motherhood grief. This has made me, take this pregnancy in more faith and not just going blindly that everything will be okay. I don’t walk on cloud nine, that it’s all roses but take this new journey.

Second thing that has been hard on me is that, a dear friend whom we’ve been supporting each other in prayer isn’t sure if she’s going through a threatened miscarriage and has to wait for a while before a confirmation test is done. For me, this is the longest time in waiting where as a mother, you don’t know what to think.

Do you trust your maternal instincts and pray believing that the flatters in your belly is that of your baby. Or, do you brace yourself and prepare your heart for whatever comes.
My heart goes out to all women going through uncertainty and not sure what their bodies are going through. I pray for peace during this time.

The third emotional thing is that, another friend has just given birth to a healthy baby boy after 8 years of fertility treatments and now this baby was conceived naturally. She’s writing her story to encourage other women, which I will share on her behalf with you in due time.

Today is April fools right? I remember about 4 years ago, I posted a picture of me with a fake bump on April 1st. I didn’t say I was pregnant but the whole caption wasn’t clear unless you clicked on the picture. However, most of us never really notice photo captions and that’s what happened with me, friends assumed I was pregnant.

4 years today after posting that picture and with everything that I have gone through with Olivia last year, I now realize how most women feel when they see ” pregnancy announcement pranks”. When most of them have to gather the courage to say ” congratulations” in the midst of their grief only for them to hear ” no, sorry, it’s April fools prank” . I strongly believe that, lying about being pregnant should not be taken lightly or as a joke especially when 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriages.

I just wanted to share with you what has been cooking the last 24.5 weeks as you have been a source of encouragement for me. I know that in sharing my pregnancy with you, that you will receive this as your testimony as well. I am only just starting to consciously be aware and be present in this pregnancy.

Mixed Feelings
Mixed Feelings

All till now, I have been keeping up with hospital appointments, surgery and following several restrictions until your mind is only occupied with those activities and you forget to be and live in the moment and not live in fear of what ifs’. With all this, I also just told my mom the other day, so don’t feel left out if I you are just finding out .

With the fear and mixed emotions try to cripple back in unannounced, we are taking the leap of faith into that path again. Just like the name of this page, fear might come, but I will not let it engulf, cripple me or cloud my journey of hope and faith.

I will try and dip myself into this pregnancy and embrace this child in my womb. I want to appreciate each kick, movement and flatters and not let the constant trips to the toilet to check and confirm that the pain is just from the stomach bug and not uterus cramps.

I want to fully indulge myself in faith and hope but also not disputing the fact that, this is a miracle which can and never will be taken for granted.

I am constantly telling myself, ” this pregnancy is different” ” this is a new journey” ” this baby isn’t and will never replace my gorgeous Olivia” and as much as am grateful and joyous, am still right in the middle of that ugly grief. It never really goes away.

I am a different person since I had Olivia and I have no more assumptions of pregnancy. However, there’s always a glimmer of hope. I have decided to put fear where it belongs ~ right at the feet of my father and right at the centre of the nails he took for me and said ” it is finished”!. This doesn’t get rid of fear but it just good to know and walk in the confidence that it can never define me or this pregnancy.

Going forward, I am appreciating this life and choosing Faith (Imani), Hope (Amali) and Love (Surprise 😉 to guide me as they are all actually my children names.

Lot’s of love.
Nelly.

Emotions Grief & Loss Hope New Normal

A love Letter To You My Angel On Your Due Date.

December 10, 2018
A love Letter

Hello Love,


This is a love letter to you, my Angel, on your due date. Now you already know how your mama would have referred to you. This is the same way I refer to your papa and your big sister I-J. Sometimes, I call out “Love,” and both your papa and sister come answering, then I have to say to one of them, “no, not you” ;).

Oooh, where do I start?

My heart is still so fresh with the events that shook our lives the days leading up to your demise. I still remember the overwhelming sadness that filled and pierced into my spirit. Since then, I have had to remind myself repeatedly that it is an unfortunate reality and not a dream.

I have always been numb to emotions, but since your passing, I have tried to allow myself to feel, and for the first time in my life, I have let my emotion guard down. This week has been especially hard with today being your due date, the holidays knocking, and me starting work full-time from this week.

I want to tell you that I prayed for you, and even though you had to go, we still love you. It is a bittersweet feeling that your going was a way to save your mama’s life. You are now in the arms of our father and know no pain. He loves you so much, and you are His masterpiece. All in all, it has been 16weeks now, and all of us are really just trying to find the new normal without you in it. The holidays are here, and everything we had pictured with you included has to be different now.

Papa was inspired by how life is short and that we need to do what we want to do right now and not tomorrow. So he has put off his job for one year and is back to school ~programming stuff; he has made IJ interested too. I’m not sure if you would be part of the coding gang, too, but I am sure he counted on it.

I-J is doing great and really adores you, she is always telling her friends about you, and none of her drawings ever misses you being in them. She always draws you like an angel or just your footprints. In the beginning, she was so upset when we broke the news to her that her little sister wasn’t coming home to her.

She still misses you. When she talks, you can see the sadness in her eyes, but she doesn’t dwell on it. Instead, she shows your pictures off to guests and talks about you with great pride.


After your birth and passing on the 6th, we spent some time with you in the hospital and made lovely pictures of us as a family~ I will always cherish these moments. On Tuesday the 7th, we left the hospital on my birthday and left you behind for a few days just until Friday when we would come to say our final goodbyes.


I remember going back to the maternity wardrooms, and memories of how everyone fought for you to stay in my womb a little longer became so vivid. I didn’t know how I would react going back to where it all happened and seeing you again. Papa and I spent some time with you; I said a small prayer when it was just you and I. I told you for the second time how sorry I was.

Seeing you again reminded me of the despair that had already hit my heart. Even in the despair, I had some peace knowing that you went to heaven so peacefully even though my body was under a storm. Instead of going home with you, we left with your blankets and had to leave you behind, this time forever.

We gave the hospital permission to give you a final sendoff with the other angels who never went home with their parents. We recently received a letter with the location we can visit, but we still have not done that. For us, your presence in our hearts is much stronger than the physical location.

Losing you strike me, I miss you, and I wish I had the opportunity to whisper in your ear again and tell you a secret like I always do with your sister. Only this time, I wish you would smile back after hearing the secret~ that “mummy loves you.” Your sister always responds, “Mom! that’s not a secret” :).


My love, there is so much more that I wanted to whisper and tell you, but I couldn’t find the words as my world shook.
My dear Olivia Amali Ibis, I want you to know that you are loved, you will know no pain, Christ’s pure love surrounds you. I miss and think about you each day.

I imagine the nights I would have put you to bed, and you would have negotiated for more bedtime stories like your sister still does ;). Sometimes, my mind goes through a tug of war where I have many ‘what ifs.’ I am sorry that it was out of my control to keep you here; since we trust in the one who knows it all, we don’t have to pull out our hair.

We can trust in His faithful promises and walk in the confident trust that He has already given us all we need for this life ~ His son.
I know God has greater plans for you as an angel and for us as a family, and we continue being his stewards until the day we meet again. Thank you for teaching me to value what is important. Please remind me to say more yes to fun and adventure with your papa and sister and enjoy life.

A love Letter
A love Letter To You My Angel On Your Due Date

Thank you for showing me what courage and vulnerability should look like. Thank you for the incredible memories that we were able to take with you, be it when you were in my tummy or the day you were born, and we got to spend some time with you.

These memories will last forever, and though I am sad for losing you, I am thankful that you were mine and will always be. I am thankful that your life, though small, has made an impact on my life. I pray that your story will continue to impact many, and our lives will be used by God to bring hope to those who hear your story ~our story.

I won’t hide the fact that our lives seem to be empty in the sadness and tears, and we miss your addition to making us a family of four. However, we thank God for His new mercies and grace that has helped us focus on life itself as a gift and what you have made us become.

I know we have all become different people since your birth, especially me. A part of me died the day you passed, but I pray that I will one day sing; it is well with my soul.

I pray that one day, I will tell you that everything is okay and that we have found our new normal. I know your papa and IJ have better than I. I guess it is legit that as your mama, I still feel this way. I carried you in my womb, and you were snatched away from my body without warning.

My body is empty without you, but my heart is full of your love. I know time will heal my heart, but nothing will ever take you out of your mama’s heart. That’s the special bond between a mom and her kids, both angels or living.
Some days are deficient, and I suffer from within.

Sometimes when it is overwhelming, it comes out in petty tensions among us as a family. However, we are still learning to accommodate our new selves and always open up about our emotions~ I am still the culprit here.

In the hard times and good days, we are incredibly grateful for friends and family both near and far who have made these last weeks, especially November, a bit easier through texts, words of affirmation, encouragement, and prayers.
Even in the sadness, I want to assure you that you were a gift to us, and you mattered.

You are precious, and we will miss seeing you growing up. We were ecstatic when we found out that we were expecting you, and we were all looking forward to officially meeting you when the time was right.

Thank you for the lessons your birth/passing has taught me. I am also thankful for the life lessons that you have taught me. I see life differently now and am learning each day to prioritize what needs to be prioritized and not focus on petty issues.

Though I have changed, I pray I have become or still in the process of becoming a better person, wife to papa, mama to your big sister, and a daughter of the highest King using my God-given talents and being Christ-like.

You have been the check meter that helps me continue looking up to God. In the moments I am low or feel like I need assurance from man, I know it’s my call to look up to God.

I don’t have to tell you again how loved you are and that you are God’s masterpiece. I am sure you know that already and are experiencing it better than I can tell you. You were a gift to us, and now God had to take you back to Himself, and we will find the new normal in that.

God has a plan for us, and this perfect plan will be revealed when we meet again and at His appointed time.
I miss you love.

May you rest in peace and know that you will always have a special place in our hearts.

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD” (1 Samuel 27-28).

Lots of love.
Mama.