I know for many, this holiday season will be different, with several family members missing from the table. I know of friends who were looking forward to the 1st Christmas with their newborns but who are no longer here and now this holiday season becomes dreadful. Other friends who have lost grandparents, parents, siblings and even friends. This is also our 1st Christmas without Oma. In their absence, this is my prayer for all of us. I pray it blesses your heart, as it has mine as I felt the Holy Spirit strongly.
Let’s pray.
Aba father, the holidays are here and for some of my friends, the losses are becoming even more evident and heavy on our hearts.
I pray for the friend reading this, who is doing everything they can to keep their faith strong, to trust in you. But it seems as if they are losing the battle.
I pray that they will not have to put on a face this holiday season, trying to hold back tears and putting on a smile , pretending they are ok and that their world isn’t collapsing.
Father, I know many are dreading the holidays and there isn’t anything that can make them put on a ‘holiday spirit ‘ and the sound of Christmas carols doesn’t bring any cheer. In fact, they want the holidays to be over. But God you are even closer to the broken hearted, may you embrace them even more this season.
I pray that grief will not consume their hearts and that they may know, they are never alone.
Father Lord, I pray for hearts that are overwhelmed, burdened and crushing with weight too heavy to carry. May you overcome them with peace and joy. I know for many, they have called on you but still can’t feel you. They still feel lost, unanswered and abandoned. I pray that your spirit will confirm your presence to them. “..The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:18.
Lord, your children need you, draw closer to them, lift their spirits, take their grief and replace it with your joy in abundance. Give them hope to see them through this season, hope that will bring them to the season where you get to restore all that was taken away from them.
Reveal yourself to them and show them just a glimpse of your glory and promises. Reveal to them your goodness even when it doesn’t feel that you are good.
Lord, teach us to keep trusting in you and to walk in the confidence that you Lord are forever faithful. Show your children a glimpse of what you are working on behind the scenes not because they doubt you but to strengthen their faith. Fill our hearts with joy exceedingly.
Lord, in Isaiah 26:3, you promise to keep in perfect peace all who trust in you. Lord, I pray that we will not be consumed with the sadness that engulfs us. Forgive us for focusing so much on what we have lost and getting our eyes to miss on the numerous blessings in our lives ~ your son Jesus Christ. Lord, help us fix our eyes only on you ~ the author and finisher of our faith.
Lord, help your sons and daughters feel your love in ‘ real ways’ they can relate to.
Lord, you tell us to come boldly (Heb 4:6), to receive your mercy and grace to see us through tough times. Therefore, Lord I pray for more grace, mercy for your sons and daughters right now. May you open your doors of heaven and pour it out, let it rain Lord , let it rain father. Pour it our Lord. We can’t do without any of it. So, soak us Lord. We look up to you Lord. Our only refuge and anchor for our souls.
Lord, you are faithful to take all our our burdens and you ask us to bring it all to you (1pet 5:7), even though, we have a habit of taking them back again. Lord help us give it all back to you in exchange of your peace, light yoke and calmness.
Lord, I know many have cried tears and groaned such that, they lack words to say to you. But, so thankful because you know our hearts. As your word says in Rom 8:26 …that the Holy Spirit will help us in our weakness by praying for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words, even when we don’t know what God wants us to pray for.
Lord, we are weak, and just like David said, we only have a broken heart to offer, I pray that our broken hearts will be acceptable you in all humility. And our groanings will be a sweet sound in your ears, because you delight in your children.
Lord, even when we don’t see any good in a certain season, we know you are good and nothing surprises you. You are always working for our good. You say in Isaiah 43: 18-19, that nothing compares to what you are going to do and that you are doing something new and you have already begun it. It is my prayer lord that we are able to see you in the moment. Let us not miss you walking in our midst like the disciples. Instead, let us feel you and know it is you and has been you all along, even when it doesn’t please us.
“…But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland”. Isaiah 43:18-19
Lord, we will never understand your ways, because your ways are not our ways, and we surely do not command the sun where it should rise or create the borders for the seas. But lord, help us hold steady fast to your promise.
We do not understand when loved ones have to go, I know you will instead make beauty with these ashes that are in form of our grief. Let your will be done in our lives. Help us see with your eyes Lord. We may never understand how death and sickness work for our good Lord, but we want to continue trusting in you, take our unbelief and use our lips to testify of your faithfulness.
Lord, would you create in us a new spirit and do something new in us. Take our bitter hearts. Take the old away and make us new all for your glory alone. Forgive us for try to figure it all by ourselves, Lord we surrender wholeheartedly to you our king.
Lord, thank you for your mercies and faithfulness that are new every morning, extending to the ends of the seas. Lam 3:22-23.
Thank you that your love for us never ends and they begin afresh each morning. Thank you for waking us up each morning. I pray for eyes like yours, that we will get to view this world and see the beauty that you see even in the middle of the ugliness.
Lord, your word says that , …this sadness is temporary and that your joy will surely come.
This darknes that seems to overwhelm and engulf us will be consumed by the light that is surely coming in the morning. Thank you for your favour upon our lives. I pray that you see your sons and daughters through their individual nights which for some of them seems to be longer than others. Psalm 30:5 “For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning“.
Lord, during this holiday season, I pray that you will reveal yourself to us. Thank you for your son that was born in this humanity, He knows what pain is. Thank that He is indeed Emanuel ~God with us.
Help us embrace your son, the gift you have given us, that we may be reconciled to you. Thank you that because of the gift you sacrificed, we can get to enjoy many other gifts in this life. Help us focus on those this season.
Lord, help us carry and share your good news and hope to all around us. Help us say a Prayer For Those Grieving and tell them about Emmanuel being here with us and that we do have to wait for you anymore. The promise is here ~ Christ with us.
Thank you Lord. We surrender to you and pray this in your mighty name. Amen.
Merry Christmas you all. Lots of love. Mama Faith, Hope and Love.
“…When the day of ‘mothers day’ comes to an end, you are still a mother, and you are still a child. Belonging with all your heart to your mother, or your child that is no longer seen by others and missed endlessly by you.
Let us remember those mothers and children that could not celebrate mothers day. Because today and tomorrow and the day after they are still a mother, still a child of the one person their heart aches for.
Dear Mother, dear Child, you are not forgotten. ❤”. ~ Kaat Swartebroeckx.
This is a love letter to you, my Angel, on your due date. Now you already know how your mama would have referred to you. This is the same way I refer to your papa and your big sister I-J. Sometimes, I call out “Love,” and both your papa and sister come answering, then I have to say to one of them, “no, not you” ;).
Oooh, where do I start?
My heart is still so fresh with the events that shook our lives the days leading up to your demise. I still remember the overwhelming sadness that filled and pierced into my spirit. Since then, I have had to remind myself repeatedly that it is an unfortunate reality and not a dream.
I have always been numb to emotions, but since your passing, I have tried to allow myself to feel, and for the first time in my life, I have let my emotion guard down. This week has been especially hard with today being your due date, the holidays knocking, and me starting work full-time from this week.
I want to tell you that I prayed for you, and even though you had to go, we still love you. It is a bittersweet feeling that your going was a way to save your mama’s life. You are now in the arms of our father and know no pain. He loves you so much, and you are His masterpiece. All in all, it has been 16weeks now, and all of us are really just trying to find the new normal without you in it. The holidays are here, and everything we had pictured with you included has to be different now.
Papa was inspired by how life is short and that we need to do what we want to do right now and not tomorrow. So he has put off his job for one year and is back to school ~programming stuff; he has made IJ interested too. I’m not sure if you would be part of the coding gang, too, but I am sure he counted on it.
I-J is doing great and really adores you, she is always telling her friends about you, and none of her drawings ever misses you being in them. She always draws you like an angel or just your footprints. In the beginning, she was so upset when we broke the news to her that her little sister wasn’t coming home to her.
She still misses you. When she talks, you can see the sadness in her eyes, but she doesn’t dwell on it. Instead, she shows your pictures off to guests and talks about you with great pride.
After your birth and passing on the 6th, we spent some time with you in the hospital and made lovely pictures of us as a family~ I will always cherish these moments. On Tuesday the 7th, we left the hospital on my birthday and left you behind for a few days just until Friday when we would come to say our final goodbyes.
I remember going back to the maternity wardrooms, and memories of how everyone fought for you to stay in my womb a little longer became so vivid. I didn’t know how I would react going back to where it all happened and seeing you again. Papa and I spent some time with you; I said a small prayer when it was just you and I. I told you for the second time how sorry I was.
Seeing you again reminded me of the despair that had already hit my heart. Even in the despair, I had some peace knowing that you went to heaven so peacefully even though my body was under a storm. Instead of going home with you, we left with your blankets and had to leave you behind, this time forever.
We gave the hospital permission to give you a final sendoff with the other angels who never went home with their parents. We recently received a letter with the location we can visit, but we still have not done that. For us, your presence in our hearts is much stronger than the physical location.
Losing you strike me, I miss you, and I wish I had the opportunity to whisper in your ear again and tell you a secret like I always do with your sister. Only this time, I wish you would smile back after hearing the secret~ that “mummy loves you.” Your sister always responds, “Mom! that’s not a secret” :).
My love, there is so much more that I wanted to whisper and tell you, but I couldn’t find the words as my world shook. My dear Olivia Amali Ibis, I want you to know that you are loved, you will know no pain, Christ’s pure love surrounds you. I miss and think about you each day.
I imagine the nights I would have put you to bed, and you would have negotiated for more bedtime stories like your sister still does ;). Sometimes, my mind goes through a tug of war where I have many ‘what ifs.’ I am sorry that it was out of my control to keep you here; since we trust in the one who knows it all, we don’t have to pull out our hair.
We can trust in His faithful promises and walk in the confident trust that He has already given us all we need for this life ~ His son. I know God has greater plans for you as an angel and for us as a family, and we continue being his stewards until the day we meet again. Thank you for teaching me to value what is important. Please remind me to say more yes to fun and adventure with your papa and sister and enjoy life.
A love Letter To You My Angel On Your Due Date
Thank you for showing me what courage and vulnerability should look like. Thank you for the incredible memories that we were able to take with you, be it when you were in my tummy or the day you were born, and we got to spend some time with you.
These memories will last forever, and though I am sad for losing you, I am thankful that you were mine and will always be. I am thankful that your life, though small, has made an impact on my life. I pray that your story will continue to impact many, and our lives will be used by God to bring hope to those who hear your story ~our story.
I won’t hide the fact that our lives seem to be empty in the sadness and tears, and we miss your addition to making us a family of four. However, we thank God for His new mercies and grace that has helped us focus on life itself as a gift and what you have made us become.
I know we have all become different people since your birth, especially me. A part of me died the day you passed, but I pray that I will one day sing; it is well with my soul.
I pray that one day, I will tell you that everything is okay and that we have found our new normal. I know your papa and IJ have better than I. I guess it is legit that as your mama, I still feel this way. I carried you in my womb, and you were snatched away from my body without warning.
My body is empty without you, but my heart is full of your love. I know time will heal my heart, but nothing will ever take you out of your mama’s heart. That’s the special bond between a mom and her kids, both angels or living. Some days are deficient, and I suffer from within.
Sometimes when it is overwhelming, it comes out in petty tensions among us as a family. However, we are still learning to accommodate our new selves and always open up about our emotions~ I am still the culprit here.
In the hard times and good days, we are incredibly grateful for friends and family both near and far who have made these last weeks, especially November, a bit easier through texts, words of affirmation, encouragement, and prayers. Even in the sadness, I want to assure you that you were a gift to us, and you mattered.
You are precious, and we will miss seeing you growing up. We were ecstatic when we found out that we were expecting you, and we were all looking forward to officially meeting you when the time was right.
Thank you for the lessons your birth/passing has taught me. I am also thankful for the life lessons that you have taught me. I see life differently now and am learning each day to prioritize what needs to be prioritized and not focus on petty issues.
Though I have changed, I pray I have become or still in the process of becoming a better person, wife to papa, mama to your big sister, and a daughter of the highest King using my God-given talents and being Christ-like.
You have been the check meter that helps me continue looking up to God. In the moments I am low or feel like I need assurance from man, I know it’s my call to look up to God.
I don’t have to tell you again how loved you are and that you are God’s masterpiece. I am sure you know that already and are experiencing it better than I can tell you. You were a gift to us, and now God had to take you back to Himself, and we will find the new normal in that.
God has a plan for us, and this perfect plan will be revealed when we meet again and at His appointed time. I miss you love.
May you rest in peace and know that you will always have a special place in our hearts.
“I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD” (1 Samuel 27-28).
I broke down at church Sunday morning during prayer time. I was sad for a moment but I prayed that God would surround me with his Love, at that moment , I felt an overwhelming presence of the Holy Spirit around me. It was so strong that I could not stop the tears. The next reaction was me running outside to the toilet and screaming there. Not that I couldn’t do this in the sanctuary, but I felt this was just my moment and so I obeyed.
I didn’t see it coming but this month has been really hard on me, as its supposed to be the beginning of my maternity leave and Olivia’s due date is drawing near.
AUGUST 6TH: I woke up thankful for another day with my baby still inside me and was ready for the new day. There were no major chaos in the morning apart from little blood clots here and there but nothing to worry about. I mean, I came from ‘gushing ‘ active bleeding the previous day’s, so seeing only clots was a sign that no more active bleeding was taking place and it was just my body getting rid of old blood.
My birthday was the next day and some friends were coming to visit that afternoon and also to bring me some delicious carrot cake to ‘celebrate ‘ even though I was still in the hospital and it might have felt ‘wrong’ to celebrate.
That afternoon, a few minutes after our friends walked in and we exchanged pleasantries, I felt the urge to pee and this time, I felt that my body was giving me signs that things were not right. Instead of peeing, a huge clot the size of my palm fell in the toilet and I again screamed for my husband , who came rushing from the room to the toilet.
We pressed the ‘emergency bell’ and the nurse came rushing in as well. Deep in my heart, I was trying to calm myself that this was not active blood but just old blood. A few days prior to this day, the ‘placenta specialist’ had seen that a part of the placenta had separated from the main part and was to come out either earlier or during delivery. So, when that clot came, I was re-assuring myself that everything was going to be okay and that this was the ‘outlier’ placenta coming out.
The nurse did an ultrasound and Olivia was still as active as before, the nurse said that, if any bleeding starts or more clots came, I should call them. I went back to the bed and continued chatting with our friends. Within minutes, I realized that my body was giving me signs again that something awful was about to happen but I pushed that thought away and continued chatting ~ though struggling.
After about 5minutes, I decided to request for a heat pad for my lower back pain, this did not help. I felt the urge to pee again and a bigger clot followed, I re-assured myself that my body was ‘cleaning’ out the unwanted parts and leaving everything clean for Olivia. {Did you ever wonder how your scar heals itself and new skin forms? Our bodies have the power to self heal and that’s how the body gives us signs and warnings when things are not right}.
I returned to bed and this time, I could barely hold any conversation and ‘kicked my friends out’ (“ I am sorry but you have to leeeeeeeave”).
I have told this part to some before, I know that every woman experiences labour pain differently. For some its a one on the pain scale and for others its a ten, but for all of them, the pain falls in the ‘child birth labour pain scale’. The pain I felt in those minutes, were out of this world.!! I know I can take physical pain but this was beyond me and quite abnormal. My husband said later that, I was almost tearing the steel bed down.
Have you ever witnessed a dam when the water is being released? the amount of pressure from the water gushing out is immense. This is the same feeling I felt, but for me, the opening was closed tightly. So one part of my body ~the uterus was shut with a cerclage which was closing my cervix tight and keeping Olivia from being born early.
While the other part of my body was responding to mother nature’s call to give birth. My body could not hold off the labor anymore and there was nothing that could be done from preventing my body from going into labour mode. Except, the cerclage that was till in place! The cerclage was doing the job it was intended to do and was damn good at it, except this time, my life was depended on it.
What followed, was tug of war, where my body was ready to bring Olivia out, but the cerclage was holding tight like the dam closure creating an uproar in my uterus which would have taken my life if everything that followed took even just more seconds. My body had rejected the cerclage and was fighting it as a foreign body and this is what the doctors had been referring to, ‘me as a ticking time bomb’ with my life in danger, leave alone Olivia’s.
If there was no cerclage holding my cervix, Olivia would have come literally ‘gushing out’ of me from the pressure released inside of me, but now the cerclage was causing this abnormal and outrageous pain. I was in so much pain and was screaming that I just wanted to be free of the pain. Which at that time did not cross my mind that freeing me of this pain, meant Olivia being born earlier. There was nothing about her that was causing her to be born earlier but just my body failing me too soon.
All along since my admission, the doctors, had been hoping that I could reach viability , which is 24 weeks, the baseline which is when they would intervene. That Monday, we were 23 weeks and 1day and the doctors were planning to do the steroid shots the coming Friday, to prepare her lungs for delivery incase pre-term labor still came.
So, we were right in between the viability gestation. So close yet so far, which is so traumatizing and I kept asking myself “who decides such standards , especially when life is at stake?~ most agonizing decisions in medicine (article).
For me, I did not really read deep into the statistics of what the success rates of micro preemies meant, all I wanted was my baby here with me. I read stories of 22 weaker babies graduating from the NICU and other preemies now healthy teens with healthy lives. I was just desperate that we could get to 24 weeks and that’s why we had shifted our weekly goals to daily goals ~ we just had to reach Friday the 10th.
Through all the groaning and excruciating pain, all I remember is Eyup’s gentle hand holding onto mine and his voice softly calming me and reminding me to breathe. However, the pain was beyond any breathing rhythm and I continued to groan right through his calm assurance. Despite all this , he did not stop assuring me that all will be ok.
Back to the bed, the nurse was trying to wrap the ‘contraction monitor belt’ around me to check how far they were. At this time, my husband ‘snapped ‘ at her and said that at this moment, she can see that this was not necessary and I needed the doctor right away. I was then wheeled to the examination room. My husband was trying to recall that one minute rush to the examination room. He was so fast that he doesn’t remember the details. In the examination room, I couldn’t even get myself to sit on the chair. I managed to sit and within minutes, four doctors rushed rushed in the room.
I will not forget the look of one of the doctors, the same one who had just done the last ultrasound where everything was okay. its like she was saying to me ‘’ am so sorry, how did we even get here”.
I have always refused those ‘intimate’ gyn checks even when I was pregnant with IJ. I only unconsciously allowed it during the delivery and I remember it took me a long time to even undress in front of my husband. However, during this stay at the hospital, I became a master and all decency was thrown out of the window, all for my baby to survive.
Anyway, in the examination chair, there were about four doctors staring at me and checking what was happening. During this time, the pain had subsided and one of the doctors sitting right in front of my wide legs said “ I am going to have to break ‘the water” and puff, water came gushing out like the dam that was finally free.
Within minutes of doing that, she then said “ I can see her head, your beautiful daughter is born”. This sentence made us confused , was she alive ? why is she not crying? why did the doctor say your beautiful daughter is born?.The doctor then asked if we wanted to hold her and my husband’s reaction was NO!! which he later realized was him responding in shock.
The doctors turned to me and I gladly accepted and took her with open arms. This is the best decision I ever made for both of us at that moment. I have heard many women share with us of how they never had that precious opportunity of holding their baby angel.
The doctors left the room and I held on to my baby tightly , not wanting to let go of her. What followed was Eyup holding Olivia and letting out a loud cry, more like a groan, never seen him in so much pain.
Olivia was absolutely beautiful. Born with her hands on her chin looking so peaceful and her long legs crossed. I held my gorgeous daughter and sobbed with tears running down my cheeks some more.
I counted her feet and we were amazed and marveled at her long fingers, at how her nails were already long and I stared right back at her face and whispered “am so sorry child that my body was no longer safe for you to stay in’’. My heart broke as I was holding her, I then realized that I will never know how her voice sounds, she’ll never play with her sister IJ, or I’ll never have the joy of watching her wrestling with her papa. We wanted a second child and for a long time, we were ecstatic that is was happening and now it was being crashed right in-front of us.
No parents should go through the whole birth process and not get rewarded with hearing their baby cry. At this time, I also realized that she was in the best place, a place where she will never know pain and she will know that she was loved dearly.
At that moment, sadness filled our hearts as she was no longer crying in our arms and we just had to hold on to her, love on her and let her name ~ Hope’ come alive in our lives.
The doctors came in and the confusion continued, how did this ‘big’ baby pass through the cerclage that’s was so tightly closing my cervix? The doctor checked me and realized that, the reaction that almost took my life, was due to the pressure that ripped the cerclage (wired suture) from one size and tore my cervix and she came ‘flying’ from that ruptured side , even though the rest of it was still in tact.
The doctor took the cerclage out and advised that I needed to go to another surgery to check the damage caused as she couldn’t determine that fully in that room. I was prepped for surgery and Olivia was cleaned and placed in a small ice bath and she could stay in the room with us.
This time, in the cold and bright operating room, I was put completely under, I just remember seeing my feet flying on opposite directions and realized how fit they were apparently only under anesthesia ;)~ again all decency lost. During surgery, which took quite long, my husband was waiting for me again not knowing the extent of the damage and whether I was coming out soon.
Thankfully, I was released to him even before my feet ‘woke’ up. We spent the night at the hospital with Olivia in our room looking like a princess who was just swimming in water. I have read of parents who had the privilege of having their angel baby with them, either in a refrigerated cot or ice bath and I was grateful for this moment.
God saved my life – Grief Image by Nelly.
The nurse came in every few hours to change the ice as this made her skin look beautiful. That night, I laid in bed still in shock, stuck to a catheter and watched Eyup go over the ice bath a couple of times and just stood there staring at Olivia and sometimes holding her. The ice bath was clear, so I could see her from my bed and I will never forget how peaceful my princess looked still with her legs crossed.
I guess she was going to be lady like her big sister IJ. We loved on her, prayed together but it hurt knowing that this was also our goodbye moment , such strange moment of hello~goodbye.
As much a sadness still fills our hearts and whether the joy of our second daughter that we will never get to experience, there was no time, fear was part of the chaos that have changed our lives.
There was no time, I felt afraid. I felt the presence of God so strong the entire 1.5 weeks I was in the hospital up until that fateful Monday when my life was at stake and my princess was instead called home. My body gave a chance for a beautiful girl to grow in it but she could not survive ‘mother nature’s ‘ call of labor and was born sleeping ~ she passed as soon as the excruciating pains and the war in my uterus begun.
On Tuesday 7th, messages came from every where. For those who knew, did not know how to say “ Happy birthday’’ but still , it couldn’t be hidden as it was indeed my birthday. At one time, someone said all the 3 wishes at once to me ~ “congratulations on the birth of your daughter , my condolences and happy birthday”. She said that even though Olivia had passed, she was still born to us and we were her parents.
Later that day, the “Make a Memory’ foundation came in to make beautiful picture memories of Olivia and us. We brought a few drawings from her big sister and made it a special time. During the photo session, we become again vulnerable to each other, Something am still learning. We are so thankful for the privilege of something so basic as pictures, but for us this was our intimate memorial for Olivia ~ just a princess with her mama and papa.
We had some carrot cake later in the day with some friends and colleagues who had come to visit. All this time (about 1 week, I had only been texting with my mom and she was still in shock as to what had happened. Eyup had been keeping her posted since I was rushed to the hospital and the surgeries etc, but she still wasn’t sure on the chronological order of the events and chaos. So me calling her a week later, helped put things in perspective like she confirmed.
I think I have mentioned this before, I know I am a woman of faith, but my mom is on another level. I have never seen her troubled ~ she is the one you call when in stormy sea and she tells you ‘’ He Knows , why are you worried?”. However, this was the first time I was hearing her saying that she hadn’t slept well that week and her heart had been troubled, but hearing from me about what happened, really made her thankful.
I was shocked! My mom then said “ Nelly, we have to change our hearts to that of thanksgiving”. She continued to say “my heart is sad for the granddaughter I was looking forward to seeing end November but I am thanking God for your life.
Do you see how prophetic it is that she was born on the 6th, and your life was literally at stake but you survived all that and God let you have your birthday the next day day after the dark stormy day”? At this time, I was literally speechless and tears were rolling down my cheeks. I knew that the God we serve is all powerful, all knowing like mama likes saying. I put the phone down and gave Christ my heart and confessed of all negative bitterness which had put me in control of my heart.
I may be sad, but sadness doesn’t dwell in my heart because , where there spirit of God is, there is freedom and joy which passes all my understanding. I know that God continues to give me peace that gets me through the days as His mercies are new each morning. He is mourning and rejoicing with us all.
God is love and He brings life in our bones. I pray that you and I will one day sing “it is well with my soul’” what victory and testimony that would be.
I decided to take my mind back to those terror filled days.
Friday 27th July was my last day at work. I finalized my tasks and managed to hand over my work to my colleagues until when I would resume.
At the end of the day, Eyup and I-J picked me up from work and the excitement to the three week holiday couldn’t be hidden. Our first stop was the supermarket for a final grocery shopping, as we had organized a backyard boutique event for Angaza the next day in our garden and I still needed to make delicious Samosas.
After having dinner and after making the samosa fillings , I decided to take a break while the samosa fillings cooled off. During this time, I felt an urge to pee, went to the toilet and let’s just say that, that toilet visit was the beginning of what shook our world. Instead of just peeing, drops of blood filled the toilet seat and I could feel my baby literally falling out of me. The last thing a pregnant woman wants to see is blood.
Some back information :
* At the 20 weeks anatomy scan, I was found to have a shortened cervix and IC as well as Placenta Previa. (read more about IC and Placenta Previa on my previous post). * Before that scan, I was running 3-6km almost every weekday and sometimes a 10km in the weekend. * I stopped running after that 20week scan because when you have IC, apparently, gravity is your number one enemy. #guiltfeelings.
So the bleeding and bulging membranes was about 2weeks after the anatomy scan.
In the toilet, I immediately screamed for Eyup at the same time talked to God (ok more like yelling at him…) I kept on repeating ‘’This can not happen God, ooh God, but you got this God’’.
There’s something about the speed of how a husband rushes to his wife screaming his name in terror. I think from the living room , he sensed the terror in my voice and literally came ‘flying’. The next thing I-J comes following him and right then my mama bear instincts came in and I ask Eyup to distract her not to see the white tiles in the toilet which were now red. So, he manages to send her upstairs and after looking for the midwives number for a minute (which felt like an eternity) we call the midwife who thank God was at our house in less than 6minutes.
At this time, I had managed to drag myself with my knees together in fear of baby falling out and went to the couch. The midwife examined me and saw that the membranes had moved up a little and asked that we go immediately to the hospital which she had also called and informed them that we might be going and they should get ready.
I was admitted on that night and that was the beginning of both major rollercoasters and victories we have ever encountered. The gyn- surgeon was called and they gave us the options below.
1. ‘Wait and see’ Approach ~ they do nothing on my cervix apart from ‘wait and see and hope’ that it resumes back and baby stays intact until full term. (There are many success stories from this) 2. Place the cerclage and close my cervix . (..Since this was going to be an emergency cerclage and not a preventive one which is usually done at 11-14weeks, there is a lot that could go wrong. 1. My body could reject it and I would still go into pre-term labour. 2. I could get an infection and my life would be in danger, leave alone the baby’s. 3. General complications that could go on as this was surgery like any other. which has risk of complications. 4. Complications on the baby due to the anesthesia at that time of Olivia’s gestation. 5. Choice to go on with the pregnancy (In other words terminate).
All this time they were talking, I was praying and begging God to save my baby’s life and guide our next decision.
With all these options on the table, they left the room and gave us time to decide. We could not believe that our daughter’s life was at stake and our decision that night would play a big part in what could happen next. We decided to go for the cerclage as this was in one way giving her chance of survival. I again silently prayed and asked God to fight for us with this song in my mind. (Michael Farren ~ Fighting for us).
You never close Your eyes You’ve never been surprised Whatever war may rise You’re fighting for us You move with holy rage In all Your miraculous ways We simply stand here amazed ‘Cause You’re fighting for us, fighting for us!
[Chorus 2] You won’t hold back when it comes to Your children You fiercely defend us ’til we stand delivered You’re fighting for us, always fighting for us You don’t back down facing armies of thousands You speak one word and they scatter around us You’re fighting for us, always fighting for us!
I was asked not to eat anything to prepare for the surgery next day~ Saturday. That Saturday evening, I was rolled into the OR ready for surgery. Since I work in the medical devices industry, the same innovative devices and equipments I talk about at my work each day were going to be used on me, I found that interesting and somehow cool . God has blessed me with good health that ever since I was born in the hospital 33 years ago, I never went back again until I had our 1st daughter IJ.
Before, the surgery, the surgeon approached me and told me ‘’ I can’t promise you that I will be able to close the cervix as the membranes were pretty ruptured and I might not have any ‘tissue’ to suture on but I will try’’. Just then, when they wee going through the control checks and someone said ‘’lights!!, its as like I was in a movie with the bright light on my face. I closed my eyes and invited God in the OR and asked him to take charge and to provide ‘space for the suture to be placed’.
During the operation, being on local anesthesia one other doctor kept me occupied, we talked about Kenya , our faith and I talked about what “Hope’’ means for us. I then realized it has been a few minutes and I ask the doctor if the surgeon found tissue for the suture of which she responds ‘’ yes, she did, she’s almost done and is closing up!’’.
Immediately , I start sobbing and thanking God in my heart for this victory and for me, the hope that we would meet Olivia when the time was right was so alive at that time. I then start envisioning the next goals ~ 24 weeks, 30 weeks, new born baby Olivia as I can now see them as a reality because of the successful surgery.
The surgeon approaches me again and says ‘’It was really complicated but I managed to find space and some tissue to hold the cervix and I closed it very well, the suture is pretty tight but we will need to keep you here as the next days are crucial” . I held her hand tightly, looked her in the face and thanked her from the bottom of my heart. I was then rolled into the recovery room for my for my lower body to wear off the anesthesia.
Prior to the surgery, we had been told that it usually take about 45 minutes. However, since my case was ‘complicated’ as they kept on saying, it took about an hour and half and another hour for my legs to ‘wake up’ . The look my husband had when he came to meet me at the recovery room was one I will not forget.
That’s when I realized that all this time, I was in surgery and recovery, Eyup was waiting not knowing what was going on. I was only allowed to go back to my room or he allowed to see me once my legs woke and I could pee on my own. #whatALuxuryToPeeOnYourOwn. #NotForGranted.
I can only imagine what it must have felt for my husband to wait back in the room for me not knowing what was happening , why it had taken long and whether I was going to make it back. That night, we were again hopeful that we had given our daughter a chance and we could be excited of the day we would finally hold her in our arms (on her due date) and bring her home. Eyup took me to the room and before he went home, the Doctors came and repeated why it was crucial for me to stay put at the hospital.
Rollercoaster and victories going forward :
* So as mentioned above, Friday was admission and surgery done on Saturday
* Sunday 29th July~ started continued on antibiotics and indomethacin ( ‘keeps the uterus calm’). The catheter was also removed. Thank God for normal peeing privilege .
* Monday night 30th July ~ Am trying to fall asleep when about four doctors who look worried come rushing to my bedside. They say how concerned they are about the high infection parameters in my blood and say that I was literally a ticking time bomb and my life was in danger.
I immediately called Eyup an since it was about 10pm, he had to call his parents who live about twenty minutes away just across the border. His dad came in no time and picked IJ. So thankful for the support from family and friends. When Eyup arrived, I share the news with him, then we prayed and held our hands for long (just like the day we 1st met (Story for another day 😉 and spoke encouragement and hope into the situation .
Re-living My Loss – Image by Nelly.
* In those moments of uncertainity , I went to bed in prayer and gave my body to God. I was reminded of Ps 112: 1 & 7. Praise the Lord. Blessed are those who fear the Lord, who find great delight in his commands.They will have no fear of bad news;their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
* Tuesday 31st July~ Blood parameters are stable. My family surprises me with Belgian fries and goulash for dinner. (I boycotted hospital dinner that day .
* Wednesday 1st August~ Started the day hopeful, I had just finished praying for my neighbor and gotten back to my bed when I started bleeding. Our world is shaken again.
* The doctors can not tell where the blood is coming from. The doctors say they can not decide anything now but if bleeding continues, they would have to remove the cerclage and that could mean going into labour but less chances for them to do anything for Olivia as she wasn’t viable (24weeks)for their hospital yet.
* Thursday 2nd August~ thankful for new day and new victories. Then, I start experiencing uncomfortable pushing and pulling of my uterus but no active bleeding.
* Friday 3rd August~ Thursday night leading to Friday was not pleasant. I had painful cramps and the ‘famous Dutch’ paracetamol helped a bit. I was then added some Indomethacin to control the uterus and ‘keep it clam’.
* Saturday 4th August~ I vomitted for the second time in my 33 years and that was the beginning of what I called “ BLEEDING DAY!. * – That day, our pastor and some church leaders came to visit and when they asked what to pray for , I said “let us pray for fever” sounds harsh right?
* – For me, having fever, would enable the doctors decide. All this time, they had been telling me “ we do not know what to do now, we are going to meet tomorrow with more specialists and research , then we will come back to you” or “ we are giving you the indomethacin because you have no fever, but if you would have fever, we would have to stop it right away as the combination of fever and blood infection parameters will be ugly’’.
* That is why I asked God for fever and for the 1st time in my life again, I had fever that night and all the nurses came running to my room after Eyup noticed that I was shivering. I knew God would reveal himself and answer that prayer but when it actually happened, I experienced His heart. We kept on talking about it and even laughed . The doctors finally had the reason to stop the Indocid.
* Sunday 5th August~ Infection parameters were stable , no bleeding just small clots here and there. Since, the hospital is near our church location, I had some friends visit me. We were laughing so hard until we had to close the doors. I had a headache from all the laughter and my jaws were literally hurting . This was one of the best days in the hospital and I will end here.
In all the chaos from that day and till Sunday, everyone, including the doctors , were astonished that Olivia was perfect and continued to survive and move like nothing was wrong around her. No man made theories or explanations, because while the conditions around her continued to worsen, she was active like always and continued to beat the odds.
It has been 10 weeks since I gave birth to Olivia Amali and no matter how hard it has been and continues to be, I am so thankful that being able to write down my story. This helps me dig deep down my heart and my emotions to find the words and courage to highlight every step of the journey and have everything to remind me what it really felt or feels like.
This is my way of coming to terms with what happened and a way of letting the pain in my heart come out through words that can in someway encourage someone else. I am not looking for sympathy but if you meet me, a big bear hug will be lovely ;). Also, just like my girlfriend shared with me, do not be afraid to share pregnancy news with me or talk baby stories with me :). I have learned that through my pain I am opening up a platform that allows other mamas to talk about their feelings and experience.
I realize that, the more I talk about Olivia Amali, my spirit is lightened as I feel proud talking about her.I remember writing down prayers and my fears when I could not find words to explain what life felt during those challenging weeks. I remember one day being alone with Olivia in my arms after the photo session with the ‘make a memory foundation’.
I reached for my phone and took a selfie with Olivia as I couldn’t seem to describe how I was feeling at that particular time and taking a picture was the only way I could look back at my face and see what it was screaming for in silence. I haven’t had the courage to look at that picture since the day we left the hospital, it’s going to be so hard to look at it but am thankful for it.
In that photo, I know I look dumb but am definitely present and sitting right in the middle of my messy emotions. I can not explain how I got the courage to take that selfie, or the posts I continue to write. I know the strength wasn’t my own to be able to document my life in the darkest storm but am so thankful.
There are so many women who have suffered losses in one way or another and it is a difficult thing to talk about. I know some people, they would not want to remember such pain and such un-welcomed memory but I do. I want to go through emotionally what I went through as everything happened so fast during my admission at the hospital.
It felt like I was just going through the motions to survive and keep my baby ‘’baking’. By going through my emotions, I also remind myself of how great our God is. Giving birth to Olivia, not being able to hear her cry, and coming to terms that she might not make it made me hurt more and broke my heart. However, it is something beautiful that birthed a miracle in itself.
I have definitely become a different person. I have begun to embrace the fact that this is my journey, my story and as painful and heartbreaking it has been, it has also allowed me to really cherish and appreciate each moment and not take the miracle of giving birth for granted. Olivia Amali has renewed my wonder for life.
No matter how the cycles of pregnancy ( from conception to delivery) are assumed to be so basic, they are also extraordinary and are literally a matter of life and death. There are a beautiful miracle and brutal reality of how humans enter the world and we all have beautiful yet delicate mysterious birth stories. The pregnancy cycle leading up to delivery is one mystery and miracle the human mind can try to intervene but still can’t fully understand.
Sometimes, it doesn’t matter whether one is healthy or not, each pregnancy to delivering a healthy baby is a miracle. As much I want to validate Olivia Amali’s life with a greater reason by honoring her, her life, and building a community that would ensure that her life would never be forgotten. I also want to make sense of the pain, the loss, and the longing I feel. I am sharing my story for something so much bigger than me, bigger than Olivia.
I long that this will bring hope and joy to those who are hurting. To build a community for those who feel alone and to be a source of everyday help amidst the confusing and terror-filled walk of grief. I have received some very insensitive remarks about what happened that made the experience seem so light.
So sometimes, I start writing down my journey and story in frustration just to open up about how painful the experience was and paint a picture just for everyone to understand what I really went through. The truth is, one can never grasp as I am still struggling to understand what I went through myself.
Instead of trying to make everybody understand, I now take those remarks as the Holy Spirit nudging me to reach out to the Lord and rest in His goodness, with a confident trust that He did not- and will not leave me alone. Letting me know that He is the only one who is bigger than my story, He is the one who can grasp it more than anyone and He is the God who knows what it is to lose a child and to be silently grieving.
There are so many families hurting because of the loss of a child and the more we dig into our griefs and terror filled stories, the more ways we see God revealing His joy and hope to others. I therefore, choose to walk down this road of grief and sit in the messy emotions not knowing how He is going to use my story or other women’s stories in the long run but for now, I will rattle through my words until I find the right way to express them.
I will be present and share each time I get a chance, and I pray that God will use our words and let them reach the intended people. I want families and mamas to hear our story and realize that the terror in their current situation is only for a season. I pray that families will choose to be ‘present ‘ in their dark days and encourage them to be hopeful while not ‘hiding the pain’ and that it’s okay to keep their grief silent only for themselves.
No more silence
I also pray that as they open up and grieve and move from ‘silent grief’ to ‘public grief’, they will find a community or platform where they can openly acknowledge and freely talk about it.It is really true that when a baby dies, the pain is no longer the family’s but becomes a community pain.
I now get words of comfort from random parents during school drop off, lovely elderly neighbors I haven’t spoken to (more like waved at):) in a long time and many others. My family is grateful for all the love and support we have received and happy that we can grieve her not only silently in our home but openly in the community.
My heart aches for the unspoken griefs that other families carry, the fears and pain too deep for them to speak loudly of, the unfulfilled dreams and silent shames. Marriages quietly suffering due to the traumas that have shaken couples, abuses, unmet potential, children losses, broken hearts and the fear of never being enough.
No one actually brings such grief in the public. Couples mourn in the silence of early miscarriages and all the above. As much as no one brings such griefs up, let us strive and live in kindness knowing that for many out there, these struggles exist daily to them even when we do not see it openly. I want to remind those of us in grief to mourn in hope by intentionally choosing to ‘sit /being present in the grief’. it doesn’t mean sitting in the grief forever but for a season as God leads our hearts to healing season.
Let us, therefore, feel the freedom to mourn but with hope – hope which is beyond this world. Thessalonians 4;13. “Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope”. One thing to remember is that no matter how messy they are, our emotions are still valid.
However, there is a healthy way of grieving one where you do not let the grief soak you to the point of it being used by the enemy to destroy you. As Christians, we grieve knowing that we have the assurance of the resurrection in Christ Jesus. Let us not glorify the ashes but allow His praise to be always on our lips.
I want to continue sharing what and how our journey towards healing looks like to encourage others that we do not have to do this alone. God is never surprised with everything that happens in our lives. He is faithful, He is all powerful and He has not forgotten about us. He is still God , good and there is nothing that can take us away from His love.
Let us embrace the purpose of suffering and pain as it’s through them we can experience God’s comfort. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”1 Corinthians 1:3-4.
I pray that one day, I will share of what it feels like to be on the other side of these grieving season and stand in awe of how we survived the terror that shook or world. With confident trust and faith, I know that by God ’s grace, this will be a reality and we will abound in joy and happiness.
For now, we continue in this journey, accepting that this is how our story with Olivia Amali was meant to be and we have to continue to be grateful for that. In the meantime, we continue to open up and share experiences that are most often stuffed away, let us continue to raise awareness and break the silence of the ‘silent griefs’ while helping others cope.
I wish for kindness – kindness for everyone whose pain remains unseen and unspoken as everyone we meet is always fighting a battle we know nothing about.
