Motherhood | No Fear, Just Hope

Motherhood

SORRY FOR BEING JUDGMENTAL.

October 14, 2020

I looked at her and judged her. It was not the first time I was judging a fellow mom or woman whom I did not even know.

This past Sunday, I was driving to the supermarket and at the stop-lights, I saw this pregnant woman with her cute bump. I smiled until I saw the cigarette in her hands, then my smile quickly faded. I thought to myself “how could she?”.

I continued on and as I tried to find a parking spot, my eyes locked with this African lady at the entrance of the supermarket. My first impression was, “gorgeous lady with beautiful hair”.I am always fascinated by African hairstyles when I see one, especially here in Maastricht where we have limited hairstylist options.

I walked to the entrance and just before I smiled and nodded my head, she raised her other hand to smoke. It was obvious how quickly my smile faded again. I thought to myself again “Why is she doing that?”. It wasn’t the first time I was seeing a woman smoke, but I think it’s the thought of seeing an African smoke that got to me.

There are so many instances I could mention. One time, I was delivering food to one of the single mothers our church supports, and each time I came in, the kids were either eating plain french fries or candy. She on the other hand was smoking, the house was awful and at that time, she was expecting another child. I thought to myself, if I was the one, I would at least use that little money to cook healthy inexpensive meals.

Why do we do this really? Judge people from our high chairs. The judging continues among mothers or women raising kids. It is like we are in a contest for the best and perfect mom in the world. I do not know where perfect moms exist but I do know that loving moms very much present.

Every mother believes they are doing the best they can for their families and children. If you ask them, they will also tell you that their kids are the best and the most gorgeous. Let’s honest, as outsiders, we are often the ones who see others through the filters of our own standards and that’s when we see their faults and where they fall short.

For example, when I was expecting my eldest daughter, the midwife asked me several times whether I was going to breastfeed. I found it shocking that choosing not to breastfeed was even an option.

Later that year, a friend had a baby and she struggled to breastfeed as she did not have milk, even though she wanted to do it. Another friend had less milk production but the baby had a tied lip so the milk dried up. My younger sister was the same, she did not have milk with her eldest son and tried many things like lactation cookies but nothing worked. With her second born, she had more than plenty and even had to freeze some.

We also hear of mothers who do not wish to breastfeed. One friend of mine also chose not to breastfeed and requested for the medicine to stop the milk production. I could not imagine it!. I thought ” how does a mother with milk refuse to breastfeed her child”?

Fast forward 3 years later when my youngest had the worst case of eczema and I battled with the decision of whether to stop breastfeeding or continue. I was not sure whether it was my milk that she was reacting to and I did not want to see her suffer.

So when I finally made the decision to stop, I wanted a quick fix and I could not handle expressing the milk and pouring it away, so I went to the doctor for the medicine, only to be told that they stopped giving it a few years back. I was crushed!

I now was left with the traditional way of stopping milk production which was not for the faint-hearted. It brought back painful memories of when I was producing so much milk after I had given birth to my angel baby. At that time, I had the milk but no baby to feed it to. But now, I had both the milk and the baby but did not know if my milk was hurting her.

Later on, when the dermatologist found out I had stopped breastfeeding, he was disappointed. So you see, I was the same one who thought I would always breastfeed my kids until the milk ran out on its own but here I was stopping just before six months and was even considering medication.

This is the same thing I judged most mothers for opting for. Producing breast milk is not a given when you have a baby, it is not automatic like we have often imagined and we should not take it for granted. Nowadays I tell pregnant mothers those am close to, “ Please take care of yourself, breastfeed as much, and as long you can or feel comfortable to do and if you do not want to do it, do not beat yourself about it”.

BEING JUDGMENTAL – Picture by Kelli-mcclintock.

In Dare to Lead, Brené Brown said “I know my life is better when I work from the assumption that everyone is doing the best they can.” When we all believe that each person is doing the best they can, we will choose to be kind and patient with them.

We need to stop judging parents who choose to formula feed their children. We may never know whether they struggled from one lactation class to the other and the numerous lactation cookies they ate like my sister. Bottom line is, we were not there when they were struggling, so who are we to judge.

When my daughter had eczema and cried all night, we had to co-sleep with her for some time so she felt that warmth and was not alone. Before this, I had a list of do’s and do not and co-sleeping was one of the practices I raised my eyebrows for. Nowadays, I say ” make sure baby is safe and no extra blankets and pillows on the bed and you are good to go”.

The same candy I saw the single mother stuff her kids with was the same lollipop my youngest was sucking on at 15 months after her sister had made her taste it and was now was rubbing it in her face refusing to give her. I had vowed not to give her candy until she was in preschool but here I was shouting “ give it to her’’! because, I was making dinner and did not have the time to console a 15-month-old baby who had just tasted candy for the first time and realized this is something we had been keeping from her.

When I had my eldest daughter, I was a busy full-time student and worked 2 jobs but I still vowed to make her healthy home cooked meals. I did this for a year until she could eat with us. When I saw people buying the ready meal jars, I always wondered why they didn’t create time and make food for their kids.

Yesterday during my lunch break, I decided to go get diapers. When I reached the shop, I see ready made meals from this brand I know is good and they have several items on a massive discount. What did I do? I took 20 meals and threw in some exotic fruit jars as well. I walked back to the office proud but also mesmerized by my transformation and how I had changed. What happened to my ‘healthy home made meals’?

I thought loudly. I think the last time I made her own baby food was 6 months ago. Now she either eats with us or I get the baby food the same ones, I could not bring myself to buy whenever we are having french fries or pizza ourselves for dinner.

We all know that not all children are the same, and none is born to the same kind of mother. Each mother has her own sets of skills and character. We have those who are patient, good listeners but we also know those who get angry quickly and those who are overwhelmed and grumpy.

What we miss and fail to know is that the mother who just snapped at her child at the playground or supermarket is usually the calmest mother around. However, on that said day, she lost it due to being up all night with a sick child or because she worrying where the next meal will come from.

I remember when Amirah had extreme eczema and she was up all night scratching until I started putting colored bed sheets on her bed instead of white ones because the white became all red when you picked her up in the morning. For several nights she cried and I also cried with her.

I remember the night when I found myself talking to myself and also shouting at her “ please sleep!” “stop crying, am tired” as if she could understand me. My shouting at her or when I complain about some petty thing that my kids did, does not in any way mean that I do not love my children or that I am not grateful for them.

The same goes for all other women, we are just overstretched, overwhelmed but still very grateful mothers in need of a break. Give us that break and we will be the same ones running home having missed those little rascals.

As a full-time working away from home mom, I need to be gracious to the stay at home mom who was home all day and her home is untidy and kids unkempt. I love to clean and can clean even in my sleep. When I only had one child, I had trouble understanding people with unkempt houses, I thought to myself “do they see the mess”?

For me, cleaning my house came naturally and it was something that had to be done. Fast forward years later, I have a younger daughter who feels like she is in a Montessori setting everywhere she is. She loves picking different items, objects, and toys and dropping them anywhere in the house as she goes around the space. So picking after her becomes a challenging task.

Now my motto is, it can be unkempt with things scattered so long as floors are not sticky. For those staying at home or those at work but with older children, please do not judge those of us who work full-time, away from our kids, or have to leave work early on days the daycare calls us.

We love our kids dearly as well and mummy guilt is already playing the mind game with us. The other areas where we women tend to judge other mothers is regarding discipline and those who choose not to discipline and say ” it is ok, they are just children and will outgrow this behavior”.

Let us also not judge those mothers that choose to breastfeed their toddlers especially in public or have four year old walking with pacifiers in their mouths on the streets as they talk. We do know where they are coming from and who are we to judge them by only having a small preview of that little moment in their life.

In the world now of social media and screen times, we are quick to judge parents who allow lots of screen time to their kids. During schools days, I do not allow TV (cartoon time) in the morning, unless the kids woke up too early. However, on some days, I am running late and I just needed 10 minutes to get ready.

So, what do I do is, I put TV on and tell my eldest to watch the youngest while I got ready and she distracts her. If you walked in, you would wonder “ why are kids watching TV instead of heading to school?’’. However, that is the perfect example of all us, we only have a small window into people’s lives, yet we judge them in full measure.

Let us cut some slack the new mom at the office, who has to leave early each day or miss several days of work because of sick kids while we cover for her. If we only put ourselves in her feet, we would find out that each day after she drops the kids off at daycare, she comes to the office dreading each phone calls he receives, thinking it is the daycare calling her to pick up her kids.

Motherhood is tough and as women and mothers, we need to support each other and not seek recognition for the things we do better than other mothers.

In what ways have you found yourself judging other people? Please share.

Be kind to one another.

Nelly.

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Motherhood

ENCOURAGEMENT FOR MOMS | TO YOU MAMA, YOU WERE LOVED IN ADVANCE.

June 10, 2020

ENCOURAGEMENT FOR MOMS

To the mama coming home to an empty closet that was once full of baby clothes, you are loved and thought of IN ADVANCE. God sees the tears you’ve cried out as you emptied your angel’s nursery. To the mama who hasn’t entered her angel’s baby room or her own bedroom since the passing of her baby or husband, you are not abnormal.

You are in pain that is beyond this world’s understanding and God is and will give you rest and comfort that will bring you joy inconceivable. To the mama who’s walking with her shoulders low, with a load to heavy that you’ve been carrying for so long, know that, you were loved IN ADVANCE. To you mama who’s too exhausted to come out of the emotional drain you fell into, and everybody is saying” get over it”, you are loved and seen.

To the ‘mama’ who feels lonely, abandoned, unseen, ashamed, unworthy and unheard, to YOU, please know today and forever, you can walk in the confidence of at least knowing that you were loved, seen, known and heard, way IN ADVANCE before your existence and there’s a plan in place in God’s storyline because he knows your heart. To the mama overwhelmed with her kids schedules and undone laundry.

To you who sacrifices yourself but your kids are too young to appreciate or thank you for your efforts ~ you are enough and loved IN ADVANCE. To the mama feeling she’s not enough because she’s too overwhelmed and hasn’t managed to serve her kids the Martha Stewart diners but only managed cereal on certain days~ you are appreciated and doing an amazing job because you love your children. To the mama crying herself to sleep because of loneliness, because of estranged children or waiting womb, you were loved and seen IN ADVANCE.

To the mama with the empty cradle, nest , God fore saw your yearning heart and see’s the numerous attempts at fertility to no avail. He sees your heart falling in despair but still sees, loves, knows and hears you. To the mama falling in to debt, struggling to make ends meet and wondering where the next meal will come from, God saw this IN ADVANCE and wants to give you rest.God has heard the wordless groaning of your heart. Calling for breakthrough in your home’s and finances.

To the mama who doesn’t ‘feel’ beautiful because of the standards set by this world, may you know that your identity is in Him? He chooses you and calls you His own masterpiece and that’s what matters. Lean on the things unseen because those are eternal. IN ADVANCE, God knew about your broken heart and heartache.

He is not surprised by the fear that engulfs your mustard faith and causes you to be wary wondering where He is when you most need him. IN ADVANCE, God knew the loss, despair, and pain that has befallen you. He knows your broken heart and how hard it is for you to love again. As hard as it is to understand, your broken heart is a part of His storyline but in His storyline, mourning is temporary and joy in abundance is your portion.

To you Mama

To the mama who hasn’t drawn her curtains the whole week or left her house for a long time and her head has been buried in her pillow, soaked in her tears, God sees, hears and knows what it is to be lonely and rejected. But, He calls you His beloved and chooses you. To the mama who feels like she’s always the last one on people’s hearts or minds and lists, God chooses you 1st. If it was only you, He would still die for you alone.

To you mama, serving people in the open and also behind the scenes and feeling overwhelmed, God is your reward. He has the whole storyline in mind and has already seen how the story ends. So nothing is ever a miss or last choice. Everything fits in His perfect plan and doesn’t take him by surprise.

To you mama suffering in silence, I say ” Just be held” and ” let go” by letting down all your anxiety, worries and stress at His feet because God has seen it all, the struggles to make everything work, your hard work, you being taken for granted, you being the talk of town and ashamed because of the infertility, failed marriage, ‘misbehaving’ kids or failed job.

Just as He created a solution to save mankind beforehand, by providing his son, way IN ADVANCE to be a sacrificial Victor, He is working behind the scenes to bring you victory and healing.

God is all powerful and he’s not surprised by any of life seasons or events that come our way. He knows us and knew us before we were created, God prepared somethings for us IN ADVANCE for us to walk into or choose to follow. God has something in mind for you, he has good works for you that he has prepared IN ADVANCE for you to participate in.

He has already prepared good works for us to do (like caring for your little ones) so that we can walk into the rewards he has prepared for us IN ADVANCE from the foundations of the world. Accepting his rest is accepting his work. So rest in the assurance that you were thought of, loved

IN ADVANCE and nothing you do or come short of achieving will separate you from his ‘IN ADVANCE’ love.

Click here to watch the video on youtube

God bless,

Nelly.

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Faith over Fear Family Life & Marriage Motherhood Shame

ASSURANCE WHEN FEARFUL ~ AN ENCOURAGEMENT FOR SINGLE MOTHERS

June 10, 2020

As a single mother of four I wanted to invite you into my journey to shed some light on some of the challenges I have faced as a single mother, and to encourage us as I write from a place of strength but also to make everyone aware of how they may have wrongfully judged single parents who are just trying to make ends meet in a clean way.

My story is long but I want to share in bits the journey of raising children single-handedly especially in a community that regards single mums as lesser beings.

When the world gives you lemons word has it that you should make lemonade out of it and well the process of making lemonade for a single mom may be next to impossible. Facing the world around me sometimes can be so depressing as I can’t control what society thinks of me. I can’t have male friends and peace in the same basket.

My job as a designer for both male and female attires has made me work on projects for couples and delivered good results because I am passionate about what I do. However, in many instances, I have later lost clients the moment they realized that I am a single mom.

Work goes perfectly well and even during fitting you see the husbands openly appreciating my work but the next thing I hear is they are no longer interested and it is usually the women (wives) calling or texting to cancel. It is like they start feeling insecure and threatened. I feel like it is also how society perceives single mothers, it’s like if you succeed or are doing well and have no husband, people assume you are probably being helped by a certain man and he is probably married.

The society does not categories us as victors or people who can stand on their own. It is like we need man to be our anchor. On many occasions I have had to ask God where does that leave me? because to me, He is my only refuge, He has picked me up from a messy miry clay and set my feet upon a rock and if my work and results is seen as an opportunity to break marriages, my heart turns to Him for assurance that I can still hold my head high and use my gift to fend for my children.

On one instance, I remember someone commented on a friends photo how his shirt was was nicely done and my friend who had seen the post , knowing my work, tagged me. For me, seeing my work being loved and appreciated was something really motivating especially coming from the humble beginings where I was struggling to fully accept and walk in the abundance that I am gifted.

So I immediately connected with the guy and ended up having a business date. After the appointment for fitting and deciding designs, fabric, and all that stuff, I made him the first shirt and he loved it so much that he started placing orders of 4 shirts each month. He seemed to be a busy guy, so every time I was done, he just requested I post/deliver the shirts wherever he was.

I did this faithfully until his wife called me one time. To my surprise, she had been discussing me with a relative of mine with whom they were friends and their plan was to attack me and they actually did this, saying all manner of things and calling me names.

I have seen this a lot in my circle of single mothers in businesses that involve them be of service to men whether married or not. It is very difficult to convince other people that one can be single at an age like mine and still be a virtuous woman. That you can have male friends in your circle as a single mom and still maintain respect.

The wives harshly judge and put me in a box labeled “ husband snatcher’ just because I am single. I can not blame those who have been hurt because of single business women who instead of offering professional services, they instead went ahead and made advances on the client’s husbands.

However, it is wrong to judge and talk ill about single mothers who are struggling and working hard to get clean business deals so they can make a living. In most cases, even when it was the only project at hand, I decided to save my name and I chose myself. I always choose and love myself. God has been faithful to always come through for me and my children in such moments when I had to let a project go.

Jeremiah 147:3 is clear that he heals the broken-hearted and binds their wounds. This has always been my encouragement word from the bible. No matter how much people hurt me out there, no matter what they say about me, there is that person who heals my broken heart. I pray that my heart and those of any other person going through this will be strongly rooted in Christ, so we can only believe His voice of truth and not easily be broken but what society says or judges.

My faith and knowing my identity in Christ has made me let those clients go in peace without fighting back, even if it meant seeing my children’s school fees walk out in my eyes. It is always interesting that after I have gone at lengths to refer them to other designers, they always end up coming back to me out of disappointments.

I thank God because it is clear that what He brings my way, no matter what society thinks, remains my portion of His providence in my life. He continues to look out for me in the midst of the noises and misjudgments. Therefore, I will not be discouraged by what someone else thinks of me. I will not give up on my talent for mere talk and noise made to distract me from walking my journey and using my talent to bless others.

In the middle of all these, through Christ’s strength and grace, I have also learned to come home with my head lifted up no matter what stigma comes with being single. As single parents especially mothers, we still have a long way to go. As God fights the noises for us, let us learn to mind our own business, seek His wisdom, discernment and clarity on what assignments to take and those to pass. I have learned to be quick in listening rather than responding in anger. If I have to talk then I must be mindful of what I would say so it doesn’t hurt another person.

I have had to ask for God’s ‘green light’ when I sensed that a certain project would face objection, He has always come through for me, sometimes I do not even need to turn them down, they just all of a sudden give an excuse that something came up ~ it is just God’s way of clearing the path for me. As He sys in His word Isaiah 45:2 ‘.I will go before you And make the crooked places straight; I will break in pieces the gates of bronze And cut the bars of iron.’’

I just want to tell the married women and those who have fallen into this, I would like to just say to you my fellow women, single moms also deserve respect. Some of us are single by circumstances, be it death, divorce, separation, estranged husband, parenting outside of wed-lock, by choice or whatever the case may be.

In the beginning of my single parent journey, this bothered me a lot because I was dealing with a lot of other loads of baggage. However, today am more stronger than ever with my head lifted high because am a virtuous woman and I know who God says I am. We are not virtuous because of our actions. God knows I have had my own share of mistakes and falling short. However, God has made us virtuous because of the Holly Spirit living in our hearts, nudging us to show grace, love deeper, forgive graciously , accept forgiveness without shame or condemnation because we are not perfect but we push harder every single day making our lives worthy of the sacrifice that He gave for us. This is how we get our badges of virtuous women.

I daily seek God to have a clean virtuous badge, that He can see me worthy and call me ‘good and faithful servant’.

I lean on His promises and HIs voice of truth. So, to you mama who is just starting this journey and all your lady friends do not want to hung out with you when they are with their husbands or have cut you out of those previous house gatherings and brunches, know that it gets better and it might be a great time for you to start thanking God for them revealing their character as friends, because a friend would not do that. Learn to put your trust in God, He who started the good work in you (yes, even the heart ache that does not look good) will see it to completion. Hold on, He is there with you every step of the way.

To every single mom out there, your greatest inspiration on earth is your child/children, be the best for them, be positive for them, for every child is a plan of God and every heart break is a sweet music.

Remember, at every cock crow at dawn, please shake the bitterness off and get out there and do what you do best in everything you do especially, raising your children to be the best versions of themselves, as your kids are cheerleading for you even when it doesn’t feel like it. You are everything they have.

You may be single moms today but we all aspire to raise the best future wives and husbands in our children and no one is helping you out, the stigma is unbearable, the society scandalizes you but it’s all about us, how we deal with these lemons, becauseto be honest, our integrity is alwaysat stake.

We cannot stoop low to their level of ignorance /misinformation/ insecurity and mis-judging, instead we rise above that. Let us remember that we are special in God’s eyes and he has our backs. Open wide your ears to listen and not to fight back in hurtful words, all the obstacles in your path are just corner stones to build you up to greatness. Your greatest achievement is raising a great person. Never ever give up. Never ever be bitter, never ever fight back. God has your back. Just be a virtuous woman and Much love.

My prayer for those women blessed to be in relationships is, for them to look up to God upon whom our identity is founded upon. Your identity is not built on mortal beings but on the one who has called you to be like Him and to love others as you love yourself. In doing this, you will find assurance when fearful.

Much love,

Eva Oguna.

ASSURANCE WHEN FEARFUL — Eva Oguna is a single mother of 3 boys and one girl. She loves singing and is passionate about training other single women to be economically stable.

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Emotions Motherhood Shame

EPI 5: HOW TO EXPERIENCE GOD’S GRACE FULLY ~FORGIVE YOURSELF!

May 22, 2020

EXPERIENCE GOD’S GRACE FULLY

We conquer condemnation when we follow what God’s word says about us. It is the voice of truth. It says, you are free, chosen, forgiven, called and are a masterpiece. Romans 8:1 ” Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus “.

How is that even possible when are full of sin? Its because, we have the righteousness of Christ backing us up when we stand before the father. Just like the woman caught in adultery was told by Jesus ” I don’t condemn you, leave your life of sin”, we have also not been condemned.

You have been forgiven, so so don’t condemn no one and not even yourself. Remember, the old is gone and the new has come. Walk in that confidence and experience God’s grace fully.

Click here to watch the video on youtube

Be blessed,

Nelly.

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Emotions Motherhood Shame

Episode 3 : behavior and experiences influence on parenting.

May 20, 2020

Unmasking Gods’ grace.

#Recap We have seen that we need to let go of perfectionism and instead we can strive for excellence and high standards.

Remember that you are enough, you’ve got what it takes and you are God’s workmanship created for all good works.

Christ came to make is perfect by taking our sins and imperfections. We went ahead and dug deeper to see the root of perfectionism. Mine came from the physical and emotional torture (abuse) from high school and being brought up in an environment where punishments were the order of the day. It made one grow up to assume that violence =good results. We should not spare the rod, but lets find our ways to discipline our children without humiliating them.

behavior and experiences influence on parenting

Let’s remember that our personalities and our up bringing definitely influences how we relate to our children and also triggerstheir behaviour. The only way of punishment I knew was corporal punishment and spanking.

It was humiliating and brought shame, fear of criticism and disappointing others or failing. Knowing this, why do I automatically want to do it to my children , to get their attention? I have done it twice and after the last one, I don’t think I will do it again.

God’s grace is sufficient for me. All I have to do is 1st forgive myself and all those who punished me and didn’t relate the consequences or punishment with the misbehaviour, which makes one shut down and feel like its about them failing and not having made a bad decision.

Going forward, I pray we all find disciplinary actions that are full of empathy. Forgive yourself if you chose the ‘wrong ‘ way. We all know when we did that. That high yelling we did..etc.

Please share your views on what has worked for your family. My husband was raised in a culture where everything is brought to the table and openly discussed. I on the other hand, never had dialogue with an adult and violence was used to get our attention but also, assumed to equate good behaviour.

Let’s help each other.
God bless
Nelly.
#Shame #doesspankinghelp #TheAdultOrTheChild #IsSpankingAbuse Or #Violence #WhatDoYouDo. I still do not understand how kids are sent to their rooms as punishment, same way one might be surprised why I have spanked my child a few times.

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Family Life & Marriage Motherhood

Play, Rest and Appreciate | Taking it easy on yourself.

May 4, 2020

My husband is teaching me how to play and rest. It’s not the best class to be in but I am doing my best.

“Dear God, please pray for mummy, that she will finish working in the kitchen and she can go and rest in bed”. This was part of I-J’s prayer a few weeks ago. I strongly believe that God speaks through people (children)around us. Her previous prayers have been ” help mummy finish work so she can play with me..”. This is because, I always keep on saying ” am almost done/ am coming, you start, I will join you/ ok, 5 minutes I will be there“.

Her prayer was timely because, that same week and more so the last 12 years , my husband’s repeated words to me have always been ” try to rest and do things for you”. “Learn to finally start saying yes to you and no to others and other things “.

I took his advice and planned some dinners out with girlfriends before the lock down. I remember coming back from one of them after four hours and he was like ” you were in that restaurant for 4 hours, did they not ask you to leave?!”. I said, “yes, we were there talking and didn’t stop laughing the whole time, looks like I need many of these to catch up”

About 8 weeks ago just before schools and daycares were closed, I took the last Friday of the carnaval break off. Plan was to go for a day trip somewhere, to just escape the uptight routines and enjoy our company.

However, my husband decided this momma deserves to have her time. Or let’s put it this way “let’s force her have time for herself” . So he texts me while I was still at work ” how about I take the kids with me for a sleep over at Opa so you can rest? but promise me that you will do nothing else other than focus on you, otherwise my mission here would have failed ” I was speechless.

He picked me up, with some take away ready so I didn’t have to prepare dinner that day, and after dropping me home, they took their over night bags and left.

After dinner, I was tempted to turn the house upside down especially now that I had the perfect time and nobody to distract me. However, I remembered what my husband said and I took myself to the couch, surrounded by the “weekly mess”, I controlled the urge to start sorting and clearing things , because once I started, I would not have stopped until I was done with everything.

I sent out emails, read some bit, watched a movie and even indulged in some unhealthy snacks without the tiny puppy eyes watching and asking “mama, what’s that”?. Its like they always know when you are eating something .

So, I have a confession to make, I don’t play and when I do, am constantly checking what needs to be done, how the paint needs to be cleaned off afterwards and that dinner I should get started on.

This past Saturday, like all Saturdays, I had spent the whole day, cleaning, laundry, meal prepping, updating kids wardrobes (changing the smaller clothes for current sizes- they outgrow their clothes too quick). After the last chore, about 6 pm, I finally took a shower and joined everyone downstairs. The 1st thing, I-J did was quickly ask ” are you done with everything or you still need to do something ? ” I responded, “no, am done”. She ran to me, hugged me tight and said “finally “!

For me, loving on them means, making sure, they have fitting and fresh clothes on their backs, nutritious meals in their tummies and a clean, comfortable house they can chill in and call home.

My love language is acts of service and giving. When it comes to giving and serving to show my love or care, I know no boundary. That’s why, when I spend the whole weekend planning and preparing my home for my King and princesses, and it means everything to me. I am then surprised when my husband stops me and asks “are you ok”? Just when am scrubbing the kitchen counter.

I would then respond ” yes, am okay, why, you ok”?. In my mind, am actually thinking, ” cant you see I am busy?” All of a sudden, I snap out of my mother goose bubble and realise, I had been ignoring the same people whom I claim to be showing love by doing and serving, while their love language is quality time, words of affirmation and physical touch and not really acts of service.

While I was busy running around the house doing stuff and ‘stepping on toes’ read (nagging about the socks next to the laundry basket and toys not picked up), my clan just wanted a reassurance once in a while that I really notice them even on that cleaning day.

Truth is, when I am in my weekend mama mode, I do not like to be disturbed especially when am deep in the scrubbing, I have my music very loud, once in a while I enter the room to complain about a sock I found or toy, then go back again.

I am learning, now whenever I am in my weekend modus, I make it my goal to ‘notice them’ , I will walk to my husband and ambush him with a tight hug, tell my daughter something lovely that’s music to her ears and then head back to my bubble.

Play, Rest and Appreciate – Family Image by Nelly

I am learning that, when I serve out of love, and would appreciate the same, those around me may not be able to do that, since their love language may be different. Therefore, when my husband wants to go out for a walk on Saturday morning as a way to spend quality time with his love, I need to respect it and take it.

Instead of thinking like I have thought a few times already ” what is that walk gonna do to me, I would have use that time to iron that bag full of laundry or better, walking is not leisure to me, I walked miles and miles in the scorching sun to school”.

Forgetting that, each time we came back from those walks, even though I am not the one with physical touch or quality time love language, I would be the one reaching out to hold his hand because of how we talked and connected. I would appreciate this time because our weekly lives are roller coaster lives. I then thank him for being intentional about such things that are vital in our relationship.

I show my quality time by spending it on cooking those long prep meals instead of sitting in the garden together. My mistake is, I have always seen it as ‘waste of time’. I was very wrong about that for sure. For a long time, I would relate ” if you love me, do it like me”.

2 years ago, when I was mourning my daughter, I wanted to go back to work a week after being discharged from the hospital. My friends had to literally force themselves to come and offer me help. Because, when they asked for permission to help like ” what help do you need? I would respond with “we are okay “.

They knew better and literally planned out meals for us. Some showed up to clean and so on. I don’t judge those who ‘rest’ in the chaos, I just still don’t get it, but with my husband’s training, I will soon be the master of resting in the chaos.

The past 8 weeks of schools being out have been tough for everyone. I can’t even begin to imagine what families are going through out here. My husband has been working from home with the kids, I still go to work and try to come back earlier. But most of the times, it means, coming home to kids who are happy and satisfied and mama has to fill in the ‘nurturing gap’.

I immediately come in and before I am even at the door, my mind is racing to the 100 things I need to do. I walk in and of course the kids want to also play with mama. However, this mama, has got no time for that. At that moment, all is going in my head, is why I am the one ‘who does everything’ around here.

I forget to put myself in my husband’s shoes to even ask how he managed with the kids, was everything ok? All am thinking is ” why didn’t the kids eat any fruit/ you could have easily taken out the laundry / did those dishes when the little one was napping “.

The last 8 weeks have made me realize that, my children can do just well and also thrive even better with their papa. Mama doesn’t need to be there controlling and affirming on everything. Ooh, and I am definitely not the one doing everything, not even close.

It all starts with us mamas, we do not delegate or ask for help because, we feel like, when someone else does it, it wont be to our standards. So,what happens is , help is not offered because, since it will not be appreciated, there is no point of offering it. I remember I have come back home from some trips, and walked in to a neat home. My husband would say ” we tried to tidy up, but I know it’s not how you would do it”

If we want to stop ‘hating’ or resenting our husband’s or spouse’s behaviour, we need to shine light on the things they do so well and to those they do out of love and support for us. Or else, we would only see ourselves as the ‘saviours’ and that’s overwhelming for anyone.

All I know is that, I will still be the mom that plays or relaxes but her mind is spinning planning out the whole week or that food I need to defrost and my husband will still be the one that is all in when he plays or takes time to rest. He will be the one that pushes the coffee table and makes space to sit on the floor with his daughters or have both of them hanging on or pulling on his leg or back.

I would instead be the one who pulls a chair while they are on the floor, because I want to make it easy for me to head out to what I was previously doing. I don’t want to get ‘trapped’ or get too comfortable ‘playing ‘.

Growing up, we played outside with other kids, I don’t have memories of playing with adults – there was no time for this, they were busy fending for us kids. The last 2 years, I am more intentional in squeezing time to say more yesses to my kids and husband but also surprising them in taking the initiative to suggest play or quality time activities.

These are all my confessions, I have learned to smile now when I walk in and see my clan, the face of my happy yet exhausted husband from the day with the kids and still keeping up with his work. I smile now and remind myself to appreciate him for making life in quarantine and even before quarantine beautiful and childlike for the kids.

To be honest, the dishes in the sink do not bother him at all, so he will go ahead and make great 3 course dinners for us like he always does when he gets a chance and feed the kids but pile the dishes there and maybe forget to run the dish washer because to him, his whole attention is totally on being with the kids and giving us a great dinner.

I on the other hand, I make it my responsibility to make the usual quick and pocket friendly healthy meals that keep the family going. On those rare occasions, I will be ‘playing’ with the kids, mostly because I-J had asked 100 times, and while at it, 50% of my mind would already have planned the following days dinner, laid out their clothes and already figured out how that finger paint stain would come out of the dress she’s wearing, all this while playing with her.

I also don’t take time off for myself, which is something my husband has made me aware of several times. Between the 2 of us, he is the ‘rest master’. The house would be in chaos , in my eyes with no order but he would out of the blues say “I am going for a nap” my ‘OK’ response would instead in my heart read (how could you possibly go and peacefully nap right now!, did you see me resting all this while?).

I dont know what rest is, especially when things need to be done, I would rather finish everything until I am limping, then sit down. Instead of take breaks , reflect and come back even stronger. So, I would get mad at my husband because he went to rest. Its going to take some time but I am learning.

These days, I relax on the couch and everyone is asking whether I am ok. They are just not used to seeing me do this. I sit when I am feeding the baby, for along time, I ate lunch in the weekends while ironing or cleaning the kitchen.

It has taken being angry at my husband to become more intentional about taking time for myself. Its difficult but I am learning more about self care. When you google the word (s) ‘self care’, there’s a lot of activities revolving around the physical, spiritual, personal, psychological and professional life that one can do to take care promote a good self care.

I need to take care of myself. I grew up in a an environment where taking time to rest was seen as laziness. In high school at a boarding school, when we walked to class after a break time, instead of running , we were punished for wasting time. Time to ‘rest’ was at bed time. That’s the same thing I saw in my mom growing up. She never took a day off for herself, it was only at public holidays but even those were spent on the farm harvesting or planting.

So, when I don’t take time to sit back, anyone sitting back and relaxing or chilling around me, is not on my good side and is attacked. It has taken a lot and seen a lot of tension but I am doing better, knowing that I cant do it all alone. We are all in partnerships and the sooner we realize that help has been offered and is available to us, the better it will be for our relationships to flourish.

Instead of waiting to criticize how the onions were not cut in Julienne style for dinner, let’s appreciate that we can walk in and sit right at the table to eat nutritious meals, prepared out of love.

I have to accept that, even though my husband is teaching me how to rest in the chaos and mess, I can’t change the fact that, I am the mama who doesn’t fill guilty about not wanting to savour the moment when the sink is overflowing with dishes or floors that are crying for a scrub. I of course find my balance, and definitely have come to realise that having some order and less chaos ,sparks joy in me.

In the meantime, I will try and accept help and take moments to tell my husband, that he is doing an amazing job with the girls, and I appreciate all he does for us, because the difference is, when he does it, he is usually all in, savouring the moment and that’s what matters. I don’t think I would be sane if it was me working from home with the kids.

Are you asking for and accepting help/ saying yes to yourself more/ intentionally seeking and finding gratitude in the little things/ commending your partners for everything they do/ giving yourself permission to feel and freeing yourself from the mama guilt/ loving on your partners by showing them attention, connecting with them and trusting them?

Please do, and feel free to share your thoughts.

Mama Faith, Hope & Love.

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