My conversation with KC; I decided to step out of my own grief bubble and listen to the hearts of other grieving or waiting mamas who have reached out to me and I to them. I invite you all to be encouraged through the encouragement KC shared as she responds to Mama AB’s call above and thereafter, a conversation between KC and I.
Mama AB : ” After losing my twins, I am struggling through this terrible heartbreak and loss. I hoped that I could hold my baby in my arms one day. My husband has told me that he doesn’t want to have one and is over the stress and the wasted years of trying. I don’t know how to live on this earth without trying again- without having a baby. I am at such a loss, I don’t know what to do“.
HOW WOULD DO YOU RESPOND TO THIS?
KC to Mama AB “My husband said the same thing to me after our twins passed. One lived 5 days and the other lived 16 months. He said he didn’t want to go through disappointment of trying and failing or succeeding and losing them again. He also said more than that, he didn’t know if he could watch me go through that again.
I was devastated and felt betrayed, by him, my body, God, and I could not give up the desire to be a mother. And I knew in my heart he wanted to be a father just as badly. He felt helpless. He watched me go into premature labor, he saw my face when my water broke, he tried to console me during the c section because I was in shock and was shaking uncontrollably.
He left me and went with our boys an hour away to the nearest NICU, he wiped my tears when he came in my room with pictures of them for three days until I was released, and he said I’m sorry a million times when our first child passed less than 24 hours after I first touched him.
He worked to support us for almost two years while we were in and out of hospitals and was 1300 miles away working when the hospice nurse called him to come home because our son wouldn’t live through the night and he came home and held our son while he passed that night. That was 10 yrs ago, and his heart changed with time.
We had a really hard time communicating at first, but the more we communicated, began depending on each other emotionally and accepted the fact that a mother and a father grieve differently, we stopped expecting the other to feel the same way we did.
We began to accept each emotion and reaction as what it was and tried to be understanding and patient with each other. It was terribly hard and it took a lot of work. We have depended on each other through the deaths of two children, 9 miscarriages and I am currently 28+5 weeks pregnant.
I’m telling you these things, because everyone needs time to heal and you and your husband will feel completely different from the other. You are a mother, who was “robbed” of a pregnancy and now you can’t think of anything but succeeding in a task that you feel you failed in.
And he wants to protect you from the pain and guilt while also protecting himself. Like I said it is hard on you individually but it is even harder for the two of you as a couple. I hope this helps, and I hope I’m not totally off base, I’m just telling you what I’ve learned the past ten yrs being in a similar situation “.
My conversation with KC.
Nelly :I am so sorry you had to go through all that. There are so many young couples going through what you and your husband went through. What would be your encouragement to them?
KC: “Our first loss came just 8 weeks after the twins were born and it terrified me to see that positive test. We had just buried one of our sons the other had already had one heart surgery and fought everyday for every breathe he took. My husband was 1400 miles away working to provide for us and I was trying to recover from a c section, the loss of a child and watching my surviving child fight for his life.
It was 1 yr after Laine passed away, that we had the conversation I spoke of in the my comment. He never wanted to want anything that would cause me the pain that the past 2 1/2 years had brought us both. Those words devastated me. I wanted the opportunity to prove to him and to myself that I could have a healthy pregnancy and provide us with a child. I felt like a failure. I fought the guilt and shame with every breathe I took.
I knew God had chosen me to be their mother. I knew that no one could’ve been a better mother to my sons. But, there was always that question in the very back of my mind, why did my water break? What could I have done differently? If I had paid closer attention to the signs of early labor… Maybe if I hadn’t gone shopping the day before…
I had so many questions. It was at that point that I knew we had to stop living as individuals who lost the same things and come together through raw communication. I had to show him that I needed him, and that it was okay for him to need me.
We needed to heal together. Up to this point we were clinging to each other but neither of us were healing. I was obsessed with becoming pregnant and he was terrified and neither of us knew how the other felt. We didn’t talk about it. We pushed our pain and devastation aside and we were existing, surviving, needing each other but never saying it.
Each miscarriage brought forth different emotions for me, it wasn’t until the last 3 that my husbands faith was truly tested. He didn’t refuse to try to conceive, and he expressed a sincere desire to be a father again, but he was heart broken and shaken.
After 10 yrs of trying to conceive, announcing pregnancies, praying for good reports from the doctors and being disappointed and heart broken time after time, he was physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted. It was in that short period of time when he was at his lowest point that I realized my faith had to pull both of us through that difficult time.
I leaned on the promise that God will fulfill our hearts most sincere desires. I prayed that God’s perfect will be done in our lives. We saw numerous endocrinologists, had every test run and several surgeries only to be told we should be able to become pregnant but there was no explanation for the early losses we were experiencing.
They offered solutions such as IVF and IUI procedures, which came with a very expensive price tag. I was sure that it was not God’s will that we accumulate debt to force something that God could do in the blink of an eye. I prayed that God’s will be done in our lives. I put all my hurt and disappointment in his hands and determined that I would not be discouraged by anything in this world, even a miscarriage.
I had done all to stand, and I would stand. I would not be moved. If it was God’s will, it would be perfect and there would be no fear or worry. Each time I had a positive pregnancy test that soon ended in miscarriage I would say, well we know it’s possible to get pregnant without intervention, there are millions of couples who can’t do that.
I knew that one day Gods perfect will for our lives would be that we have another child. My current due date is 5-6-2019, the twins due date was 5-6-2009. The scheduled date for my c section 04-08-2019 is the same day twin A (Laine) came home from NICU exactly 10 years ago.
Unaware of these dates until I was going through clothes and memories of Laine’s for Levi, I opened a notebook I kept with a detailed day to day record of Laine’s meds, intake and output. In that notebook I found the dates that brought me to tears. It was as if my first pregnancy I had mourned for 10 yrs had been restored to me.
Nelly : Wow KC, what a journey. I love the part you mentioned that you had to show him that you needed him and him as well. I am really learning that part still. I am learning to be vulnerable around my husband. I believe God was blessing me with an inner peace to survive the storm and to reveal his peaceful nature.
Nelly: I can’t begin to imagine what you have gone through but can only thank God that He gave you this journey and enabled you to live it no matter how painful it has been.
What a testimony your story is.
Thank you for your faith. I pray for joy in abundance and that couples will bee encouraged through your insights. Thank you for inviting us into your grief and journey. God bless you.“
I hope this encouraged someone today. Let’s learn to lean on our partners or families, so we can heal together.
Lot’s of love.
Nelly.