Many times we face hardships and not even our closest support system can pull us through. You will have people around you who will motivate you , while others discourage you.
Bottom line is, even with the support, they can not force you to do the things you purpose to do or achieve them. It will require you pushing yourself outside your comfort zone.
Just like the law of attraction, surround yourself with people who at least motivate you and have a positive outlook towards life.
Trust and believe in yourself. Its greater than everything else around you.
Remember the prayer I prayed ” Thank God for being patient with me”.
In the valley, He was patient me and when it was time to get back and open my curtains, the Holly Spirit whisphered “its time child” and by His grace, I listened to His nudging and picked up my comfortable mat because it was time.
God is indeed patient with us. We have moments when we might have ‘ slagged’ in pursuing our purpose because of life’s struggles but He is always waiting with arms wide open. So , when you feel it’s time to step right back up, know that you are never alone. Your purpose is still where you left it at. You can pray ” show me my purpose Lord” no wrong in that but I feel we should praying ” Lord, where can I start from or continue from? I feel like you are leading me to this, should I go ahead?”.
My spiritual life equals my physical life. So how do I practice healthy habits or seek healthy habits that will change my life. I go back to my healthy morning habits that will help me face my trauma and see me though this weight loss journey and finally being able to get back on track with God and my physical situation. I am a brand new me and I have finally opened the curtain and with God’s grace , I am not going back to that valley no more. We need to ‘wake up’ from our slumber as humanity is thirsty for our gifts and our presence.
We should also not be comparing our lives with others, some of us have been called to hospitality to smile at people and hug them, others have been called to the screens with microphones, to speak up in boldness without shame, and more so others behind the screen or any public scene. Whether staying at home and pouring your love to those tiny ones or in the corridors of the corporate world, shining Jesus’s love and kingdom principles in an environment that is thirsty for it. I pray we all discover what is that thing, we have been called to do.
Why does God keep waking you up each morning? We can’t pour out from an empty heart. On the other hand, we can’t keep ‘hiding’ and soaking up, we need a channeling out ~ a system that operates in balance of flowing in and out. That’s why we are here.
We ought to be both a Mary and a Martha in kingdom work. Wisdom is realising when you have been in one of the season’s for too long and doing the necessary. Have you been soaking up too long and feel like God is nudging you to get back out there?, or have you been leaking out and pouring out for so long and feel like you are no longer speaking from the vine but more so adding your own words?
Thank God in His mercies and grace for being patient with us. But in His patience, there is still a gentle nudge and whisper calling out His sons and daughters to take up their positions and be His hands and feet in this world. Lean in , and take up space with the confidence that you are not doing it alone and in your own might.
He has your back. “It’s time child” He whispers. The sign – Jesus Christ) prophesied long ago is here now, we don’t need to look for it.
Kingdom life is more so like a GPS system, where we are intertwined with the Holly Spirit, keen in our spiritual ears , not missing his cues and signs. So how do we follow God’s plan and his will for our lives. Do we know why we wake up in the morning and what God’s-designed destiny is for our lives? He says ” I know the plans I have for you…” He has already revealed Himself to you, His power has been made perfect in you.
We ought to move from “show me the way” to more specific prayers like ” God, how do you want me to go about this, is this plan that I have in line with your will?”. Once you hear from God, it is then ok to go back to God and ask Him for a confirmation, which He is always faithful to give. He will use a random person to prophecy, or declare a word to you. He will even use nature or kids to confirm His word to you.
Note, it’s only after seeking His will, are we to ask for a confirmation and not going about asking for signs here and there before we have even sat at His feet to consult if this was even the way he wants us to go. This way, it will be no longer a CONFIRMATION’, but you going in it, in your own way. Back to purpose, being attentive in the Spirit and the GPS system. Once you know your purpose, you start ‘moving/acting in faith’ . It is only while moving that your GPS is able to recalibrate and select the right way. You can’t select the right way while being still.
So, it is with our purpose and all kingdom work God has called us to do. He says in 2Peter 1:3 ” By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence.” Meaning, all have been made available for us way in advance before our calling. All we need to do is start moving, taking our position and in moving, when we feel like we need some guidance and affirmation to check whether the road we took was really the one meant to, we can keep asking for direction.
We need to ask direction in wisdom too. When you select a route on the GPS, it usually says, “keep going straight for 30km or so”. I have never heard any GPS, repeating at each KM “yes, go straight, yes, keep going, yes, go on straight. No, it gives the clear instruction at the beginning and then usually a few Kms later, it will say briefly ” continue straight”. It is the same with our walk with Christ, He has promised to walk with us and said He will never forsake us.
So when God endorses your plan and you feel it deep in your bones and spirit that He has confirmed it, you start moving and have the confidence that He is with you and that He has already provided a way . God is indeed patient with us. We have moments when we might have ‘ slagged’ in pursuing our purpose because of life’s struggles but He is always waiting with arms wide open. So , when you feel it’s time to step right back up, know that you are never alone.
Your purpose is still where you left it at. You can pray ” show me my purpose Lord” no wrong in that but I feel we should praying ” Lord, where can I start from or continue from? I feel like you are leading me to this, should I go ahead?”. We need to ‘wake up’ from our slumber as humanity is thirsty for our gifts and our presence.
We should also not be comparing our lives with others, some of us have been called to hospitality to smile at people and hug them, others have been called to the screens with microphones, to speak up in boldness without shame, and more so others behind the screen or any public scene. Whether staying at home and pouring your love to those tiny ones or in the corridors of the corporate world, shining Jesus’s love and kingdom principles in an environment that is thirsty for it.
I pray we all discover what is that thing, we have been called to do. Why does God keep waking you up each morning? We can’t pour out from an empty heart. On the other hand, we can’t keep ‘hiding’ and soaking up, we need a channeling out ~ a system that operates in balance of flowing in and out. That’s why we are here.
We ought to be both a Mary and a Martha in kingdom work. Wisdom is realising when you have been in one of the season’s for too long and doing the necessary. Have you been soaking up too long and feel like God is nudging you to get back out there?, or have you been leaking out and pouring out for so long and feel like you are no longer speaking from the vine but more so adding your own words? T
hank God in His mercies and grace for being patient with us. But in His patience, there is still a gentle nudge and whisper calling out His sons and daughters to take up their positions and be His hands and feet in this world. Lean in , and take up space with the confidence that you are not doing it alone and in your own might.
He has your back. “It’s time child” He whispers. The sign – Jesus Christ) prophesied long ago is here now, we don’t need to look for it.
Our tongues speak volumes into people’s live. often times these words are not as beautiful and building as we would have them in the 1st place.
We need to ask for God’s help in taming our tongues so we have self control over it, and then we can be a people with tongues that build instead of tearing down.
Truth is, we can never take those words back once they are out. The Lord is willing to help us guard our lips and tongues.
So before heading out to those platforms, please check your sounds d system and make sure it’s in tune with the Holly Spirit. We can start afresh because God is ready to forgive for all the tearing downs we have done so far.
Let’s start building, speaking life and let’s watch our words because it has power of life and death.
In Matthew 11, Jesus said, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
So why do we still hunger for contorl? What is the way forward in letting it go? How do we unmask God’s grace and let ourselves soak in His unending grace?
It is not that we do not trust Him but could it be we are hiding some other weaknessses by striving to be perfect in others as we keep upgrading checklists from checklists as a sign of accomplsiment and fullfillment.
There’s definitely something about letting go, not trying so hard to control everything ourselves and relying on God who will bring good things to pass.
Depending On God
How about, before we blame ourselves for failures because of checklists did not go as planned, we surrender to the one who can clothe us in perfection and take control of our lives.
We only need to be still, get out of our own ways. We do not have to be perfect moms, wives. Our spouses and children already knows how great of a mom and wife you are, you do not need to break your leg to prove it.
We have seen that we are enough and theres nothing that we can do to deserve Gods’ love or mercy.
Lets place all of your worries, frustrations, and limiting patterns in God’s capable hands.
I know for many, this holiday season will be different, with several family members missing from the table. I know of friends who were looking forward to the 1st Christmas with their newborns but who are no longer here and now this holiday season becomes dreadful. Other friends who have lost grandparents, parents, siblings and even friends. This is also our 1st Christmas without Oma. In their absence, this is my prayer for all of us. I pray it blesses your heart, as it has mine as I felt the Holy Spirit strongly.
Let’s pray.
Aba father, the holidays are here and for some of my friends, the losses are becoming even more evident and heavy on our hearts.
I pray for the friend reading this, who is doing everything they can to keep their faith strong, to trust in you. But it seems as if they are losing the battle.
I pray that they will not have to put on a face this holiday season, trying to hold back tears and putting on a smile , pretending they are ok and that their world isn’t collapsing.
Father, I know many are dreading the holidays and there isn’t anything that can make them put on a ‘holiday spirit ‘ and the sound of Christmas carols doesn’t bring any cheer. In fact, they want the holidays to be over. But God you are even closer to the broken hearted, may you embrace them even more this season.
I pray that grief will not consume their hearts and that they may know, they are never alone.
Father Lord, I pray for hearts that are overwhelmed, burdened and crushing with weight too heavy to carry. May you overcome them with peace and joy. I know for many, they have called on you but still can’t feel you. They still feel lost, unanswered and abandoned. I pray that your spirit will confirm your presence to them. “..The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:18.
Lord, your children need you, draw closer to them, lift their spirits, take their grief and replace it with your joy in abundance. Give them hope to see them through this season, hope that will bring them to the season where you get to restore all that was taken away from them.
Reveal yourself to them and show them just a glimpse of your glory and promises. Reveal to them your goodness even when it doesn’t feel that you are good.
Lord, teach us to keep trusting in you and to walk in the confidence that you Lord are forever faithful. Show your children a glimpse of what you are working on behind the scenes not because they doubt you but to strengthen their faith. Fill our hearts with joy exceedingly.
Lord, in Isaiah 26:3, you promise to keep in perfect peace all who trust in you. Lord, I pray that we will not be consumed with the sadness that engulfs us. Forgive us for focusing so much on what we have lost and getting our eyes to miss on the numerous blessings in our lives ~ your son Jesus Christ. Lord, help us fix our eyes only on you ~ the author and finisher of our faith.
Lord, help your sons and daughters feel your love in ‘ real ways’ they can relate to.
Lord, you tell us to come boldly (Heb 4:6), to receive your mercy and grace to see us through tough times. Therefore, Lord I pray for more grace, mercy for your sons and daughters right now. May you open your doors of heaven and pour it out, let it rain Lord , let it rain father. Pour it our Lord. We can’t do without any of it. So, soak us Lord. We look up to you Lord. Our only refuge and anchor for our souls.
Lord, you are faithful to take all our our burdens and you ask us to bring it all to you (1pet 5:7), even though, we have a habit of taking them back again. Lord help us give it all back to you in exchange of your peace, light yoke and calmness.
Lord, I know many have cried tears and groaned such that, they lack words to say to you. But, so thankful because you know our hearts. As your word says in Rom 8:26 …that the Holy Spirit will help us in our weakness by praying for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words, even when we don’t know what God wants us to pray for.
Lord, we are weak, and just like David said, we only have a broken heart to offer, I pray that our broken hearts will be acceptable you in all humility. And our groanings will be a sweet sound in your ears, because you delight in your children.
Lord, even when we don’t see any good in a certain season, we know you are good and nothing surprises you. You are always working for our good. You say in Isaiah 43: 18-19, that nothing compares to what you are going to do and that you are doing something new and you have already begun it. It is my prayer lord that we are able to see you in the moment. Let us not miss you walking in our midst like the disciples. Instead, let us feel you and know it is you and has been you all along, even when it doesn’t please us.
“…But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland”. Isaiah 43:18-19
Lord, we will never understand your ways, because your ways are not our ways, and we surely do not command the sun where it should rise or create the borders for the seas. But lord, help us hold steady fast to your promise.
We do not understand when loved ones have to go, I know you will instead make beauty with these ashes that are in form of our grief. Let your will be done in our lives. Help us see with your eyes Lord. We may never understand how death and sickness work for our good Lord, but we want to continue trusting in you, take our unbelief and use our lips to testify of your faithfulness.
Lord, would you create in us a new spirit and do something new in us. Take our bitter hearts. Take the old away and make us new all for your glory alone. Forgive us for try to figure it all by ourselves, Lord we surrender wholeheartedly to you our king.
Lord, thank you for your mercies and faithfulness that are new every morning, extending to the ends of the seas. Lam 3:22-23.
Thank you that your love for us never ends and they begin afresh each morning. Thank you for waking us up each morning. I pray for eyes like yours, that we will get to view this world and see the beauty that you see even in the middle of the ugliness.
Lord, your word says that , …this sadness is temporary and that your joy will surely come.
This darknes that seems to overwhelm and engulf us will be consumed by the light that is surely coming in the morning. Thank you for your favour upon our lives. I pray that you see your sons and daughters through their individual nights which for some of them seems to be longer than others. Psalm 30:5 “For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning“.
Lord, during this holiday season, I pray that you will reveal yourself to us. Thank you for your son that was born in this humanity, He knows what pain is. Thank that He is indeed Emanuel ~God with us.
Help us embrace your son, the gift you have given us, that we may be reconciled to you. Thank you that because of the gift you sacrificed, we can get to enjoy many other gifts in this life. Help us focus on those this season.
Lord, help us carry and share your good news and hope to all around us. Help us say a Prayer For Those Grieving and tell them about Emmanuel being here with us and that we do have to wait for you anymore. The promise is here ~ Christ with us.
Thank you Lord. We surrender to you and pray this in your mighty name. Amen.
Merry Christmas you all. Lots of love. Mama Faith, Hope and Love.
Another due date has just passed and Olivia would have been one this week. I have so many things to write about, but I realized I have not introduced our rainbow miracle. I also don’t want to keep addressing her by the name – ‘baby’ in my posts .
Here is Amirah Godelieve Zahara Ibis. I call her ‘ Pendo’ and ‘Mama’, because she’s gonna love like a Mama . She’s double her birth weight now and just started tasting carrots this week.
I have written about how we intentionally name our babies in an old post. But in summary, it’s entails fun , prayer and testimony of what God has seen us through that season in our lives.
It’s always amazing to see how God reveals the real meaning of our children’s names so early on. We usually name at the beginning of the second trimester. Then, we later see how our babies get to live up to their names.
For IJ (Imani-Jane , it was a time of faith and grace in our lives. Jane is also my mom’s name, so it fit so perfectly. It’s a blessing to see her grow into this beautiful woman of faith at just the age of seven.
With our second born, Olivia Amali, we wanted IJ to be part of the naming. So, I-J and papa chose Olivia – symbol of peace and rest. Amali is hope in Swahili. I don’t think there are any other names that would have been perfect for our angel baby Olivia. The storm we went through, peace and hope were our only anchor. With fear never being part of the story. Hence the name of this page.
I just realized this post was to introduce Princess Amirah , but there’s no introducing her without talking about her sisters. That doesn’t take the focus off her, it’s just how it is.
She will grow up knowing she has an angel sister who came before her. She will grow up knowing that she is here as a gift from our father to mend our hearts and prove to us that our broken hearts can really love again.
Welcome Rainbow Baby
* Amirah means princess. * Godelieve ( God’s love) is my mother in law who passed away this past Easter season. We had given the name already before my mom in law passed away and every time we visited her in the hospital, I wanted to tell her the baby’s name.
Especially on the day we could see she knew she was leaving us. But then again, I wanted her to be alive to meet her other love. So, I didn’t tell her, so she can be alive to witness it, but she didn’t make it . Am sure, she knew.
1cor 13:13, “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
Why the name LOVE?.
***Our hearts had been broken and we were not sure we would love again, but God’s love has a way of healing broken hearts in His time.
*** Also, my mother in law left a legacy worth looking up to. She lived her life so selflessly, continuously giving herself to the service and care of children from struggling families. She cared for more than 900 babies all of whom called her Mama. You can imagine what a love story her send off was like.
So what a perfect name to give to our daughter. It’s our prayer that Amirah will not just be a beautiful princess, but with her beauty, may she heal hearts, love selflessly. If she can live her life even just 50% of how her Oma Godelieve lived hers, we will be very proud parents. May God’s love just like her name, shine through her to other people that they may see Christ in her the living hope of glory and this may cause them to glorify God.
***Zahara means to shine and flower. May her life bring light and brightness to her generation and other generations. May she be a delight wherever she goes. May God use her to bring beauty where there is ashes.
Thank you all for the support all through. Lots of love Mama Faith, Hope and Love.
Heading to work this morning and grateful for the fact that Oma Kenya is here to take over.
Daycare would have been the default thing but am terrified to think of how they would have managed with baby’s skin sensitivity. Daycare is perfect when your child is healthy and can be taken care of in general like the other children, not when unwell and have to be given extra attention – no manpower for this.
So as I transition back to work, I had various emotions which made me realize the various emotions and struggles around us. I therefore, just wanted to encourage us this morning to run into our father’s arms because He’s got our back.
IN YOUR FATHER’S ARM:
Am letting go and running with arms stretched out to my father’s arms. You’ve tried to take control of everything in your life, even those beyond your ‘ glory /grace grade’ yet nothing has fallen into place. Know that there’s nothing that can compare to the peace of just being and being held in your father’s arms.
You’ve been mistreated by the very people you trusted , teach your heart to trust again and run into your father’s safe arms, where there’s no condemnation but grace.
You’ve been crushed by the world, gone through the world back and forth looking for the one you can trust, but found no one. Come home and rest in your father’s arms where you can share all your worries without shame.
You do not know how to approach or communicate in intimacy with your father anymore because of how you left things, know that you can come back into the heart of worship and inhabit in His presence. All He’s looking for is a broken and contrite heart. You have the permission to sit at His feet as He whispers to you the secrets of His Kingdom- telling you of how you belong. It doesn’t matter how you left things. What matters is, you are HERE NOW.
Image by Nelly.
In Your Father’s Arm
You have searched the ends of the world for approval from man but it was never satisfying. But He’s saying ” COME JUST THE WAY YOU ARE”. He loves you the same. You are thirsty for attention but He says thirst after Him and you’ll know thirst no more because He’s the fountain that never runs dry.
You have compared yourself with others and what they have and felt that your kids, spouse, job and all other “stuff” we accumulate doesn’t measure up to the standards of this world. Hence you marked yourself as NOT ENOUGH. Instead, He says ” YOU ARE ENOUGH”. If it was just you alone in this world, He would still die for you.
You have hidden your identity in “stuff” or people because of the approval they offer. He says “come to me, I have created you in my own image, making you a pure MASTERPIECE.
You run around worrying about the things you can’t change and about tomorrow. He says, ” I got this, just trust me”. Assuring you that He’ll never leave you.
You walk around with shoulders low because you carry burdens too heavy for you, you keep fighting, never stopping. He says ” child, don’t fight battles that have already been won. Just be and surrender into your father’s arms. I am waiting for you to relieve you of the heavy lifting. Take my yoke, it’s easier and cast your burden unto me”.
You yearn to belong and be seen, hence surrounded by thousands of ‘friends’ yet so alone and lonely. He says ” come find your clan in me”.
You thought you had arrived but just realized, you have been hurt, broken hearted and still lost. Come to your father’s arms where you will feel loved and teach your heart that it can surely love again.
You’ve been hopeless, not sure about tomorrow but He says “… Because He lives, you can surely face tomorrow..” and that your tomorrow is secure in Him.
You are starting out and trying to figure Him again. He says you only need a mustard seed of a faith to get His heart excited. He’s ready to move that mountain, giant and cloud for you. He says you will never see them again as He strives to give you freedom indeed and make you a victor.
You struggle with sleepless nights, worrying, full of anxiety, loneliness, shame , un-won battles, prescription from prescription but no solution. He urges you to reach out for His arms, as there you will find His peace which surpasses all human understanding.
You feel unappreciated, unrecognised and unworthy, but He says, that you are His child , He rejoices in you and enjoys your presence , you just need to invite Him and let Him be King because He came for the least like you.
You say ” but what about my past?” And He says “He loves you anyway and has wiped your sins, as far as the east is from the west”. So, come without shame and find healing for your heart.
You point to your weaknesses and shortcomings like Moses did… Insisting “… But I can’t….do this or that like other people because of this and that.,..” He says ” you can do all things through Him as He gives you strength, and you are strong even when you feel weak”.
You feel left out and uninvited, He says He is throwing you a banquet for your own and inviting you to the party where He’s King. (M.Lunders).
So, as you go forth and take position in this world in whatever capacity He has placed you, please be reminded that you don’t have to do it alone. He’s there for you ready with His arms wide open.
Please run to Him, with a childlike faith with no care in the world. Knowing that you are loved and adored even in your weaknesses, so just be yourself because you are unique.
Today marks exactly 6 months since I gave birth to my angel and she went to be with our Heavenly Father.
Two weeks ago, I met I-J’s former class teacher who had not known about Olivia. In our conversation about the usual daily life issues, she found out about Olivia and was saddened. She then mentioned that she also had a baby girl 16 years ago who never made it home from the hospital. She recalled it as one of the most traumatizing and sad times in her life which she has never fully recovered from~16 years down the road.
This made me realise once again that when we begin to open up, be vulnerable and invite others into our struggles or fears, it opens up more opportunities for others to continue finding strength and reassure them that they are never alone. For some, you talking about your experience makes them open up as well.
Talking to her and the many other women I have talked with, I realized that so many women have lost children, others later than others but some even before they got the chance to tell the world about their baby’s existence. The individual experience for these different women changes them differently and completely.
You never really go back to the person you were before such experiences. The only positive response is walking in faith and hope having the full confidence that even in such times, the sun will rise again.
Since I started opening up about my hope journey, I have realized that not talking about my Olivia, hurts more than when I invite people to her story. In the beginning, I know that I held back my feelings because I needed the courage and strength to put myself through the same terror filled emotions again when the grieving process started.
No Matter how thankful I am of this being my journey and my story with Olivia, I will never understand what happened but am grateful for the clarity I have now, even though I am not YET at the place where I can say “…it is well with my soul..”.
I look back and remember some moments during my day even before the complications started and then I get goosebumps because I realize how God was preparing my heart for what was go happen last August ~ {post for another day}. This puts into perspective the immense peace I had during those 2 weeks of admission and uncertainties as doctors did not know what to do.
I would tell them “ our father knows, and we have no fear just hope like our daughter’s name “. Till today, my case is being discussed at the monthly meetings of high level/risk doctors as being unique. My journey makes me continue being in awe of the miracle of giving birth and never taking that gift for granted.
There is something about grief and sadness, one moment you are totally fine and then one petty thing makes your heart ache and you feel like nothing will ever cure your sadness. Some days in the beginning were really difficult and there was tension even between my love and I but grateful for wisdom to just take some space to escape for a moment to our individual hobbies or just quiet time.
Most times, we took the time just to enjoy each other’s company as well us being entertained by our dear I-J and being the best parents we can for her. As we move forward, we have come to respect each other’s emotions but also cherish our time together. IJ also now talks freely about Olivia and sometimes we even make family jokes of all of us including Olivia. Her story is now beautiful from IJ’s perspective and no more bitterness.
We held back on setting up Olivia’s send-off service for when we were ready to go through those emotions again. I had most things planned out on how I envisioned it and also got some support from our church.
However, time passed and I realized if I waited for the perfect date for that, it would take months or maybe years. What we or more so I wanted, was just a moment to mark a physical closure. A time of thanksgiving for life, for the time we shared with Olivia and finally surrendering her to our heavenly fathers who started her story and graced us to be her parents.
Image by Nelly
So, finally this past Thursday on the 31st of January , we finally felt it was time for this closure and let our beautiful butterfly fly away and Rest Peacefully. We released her to God so our hearts can find complete healing. Though spontaneous, it was a perfect evening. We had dinner with our pastor’s family and afterwards, invited God to take over our emotions as He continues guiding us through this healing journey.
It was a beautiful time in prayer and complete surrender to God and we were grateful for God’s presence honoring our invitation. Thankful for the support we have received and still receive from our church family and friends both near and far.
Just want to encourage anyone seeking closure in any circumstance , to take time that feels right to them and know that when the time to step forward in faith comes, you will sense that feeling of peace surrounding you.
Know that our father delights in hearing your prayers and everything going on with your emotions. Invite Him no matter how ugly those feelings are and He will meet you at your point of need.
This is a love letter to you, my Angel, on your due date. Now you already know how your mama would have referred to you. This is the same way I refer to your papa and your big sister I-J. Sometimes, I call out “Love,” and both your papa and sister come answering, then I have to say to one of them, “no, not you” ;).
Oooh, where do I start?
My heart is still so fresh with the events that shook our lives the days leading up to your demise. I still remember the overwhelming sadness that filled and pierced into my spirit. Since then, I have had to remind myself repeatedly that it is an unfortunate reality and not a dream.
I have always been numb to emotions, but since your passing, I have tried to allow myself to feel, and for the first time in my life, I have let my emotion guard down. This week has been especially hard with today being your due date, the holidays knocking, and me starting work full-time from this week.
I want to tell you that I prayed for you, and even though you had to go, we still love you. It is a bittersweet feeling that your going was a way to save your mama’s life. You are now in the arms of our father and know no pain. He loves you so much, and you are His masterpiece. All in all, it has been 16weeks now, and all of us are really just trying to find the new normal without you in it. The holidays are here, and everything we had pictured with you included has to be different now.
Papa was inspired by how life is short and that we need to do what we want to do right now and not tomorrow. So he has put off his job for one year and is back to school ~programming stuff; he has made IJ interested too. I’m not sure if you would be part of the coding gang, too, but I am sure he counted on it.
I-J is doing great and really adores you, she is always telling her friends about you, and none of her drawings ever misses you being in them. She always draws you like an angel or just your footprints. In the beginning, she was so upset when we broke the news to her that her little sister wasn’t coming home to her.
She still misses you. When she talks, you can see the sadness in her eyes, but she doesn’t dwell on it. Instead, she shows your pictures off to guests and talks about you with great pride.
After your birth and passing on the 6th, we spent some time with you in the hospital and made lovely pictures of us as a family~ I will always cherish these moments. On Tuesday the 7th, we left the hospital on my birthday and left you behind for a few days just until Friday when we would come to say our final goodbyes.
I remember going back to the maternity wardrooms, and memories of how everyone fought for you to stay in my womb a little longer became so vivid. I didn’t know how I would react going back to where it all happened and seeing you again. Papa and I spent some time with you; I said a small prayer when it was just you and I. I told you for the second time how sorry I was.
Seeing you again reminded me of the despair that had already hit my heart. Even in the despair, I had some peace knowing that you went to heaven so peacefully even though my body was under a storm. Instead of going home with you, we left with your blankets and had to leave you behind, this time forever.
We gave the hospital permission to give you a final sendoff with the other angels who never went home with their parents. We recently received a letter with the location we can visit, but we still have not done that. For us, your presence in our hearts is much stronger than the physical location.
Losing you strike me, I miss you, and I wish I had the opportunity to whisper in your ear again and tell you a secret like I always do with your sister. Only this time, I wish you would smile back after hearing the secret~ that “mummy loves you.” Your sister always responds, “Mom! that’s not a secret” :).
My love, there is so much more that I wanted to whisper and tell you, but I couldn’t find the words as my world shook. My dear Olivia Amali Ibis, I want you to know that you are loved, you will know no pain, Christ’s pure love surrounds you. I miss and think about you each day.
I imagine the nights I would have put you to bed, and you would have negotiated for more bedtime stories like your sister still does ;). Sometimes, my mind goes through a tug of war where I have many ‘what ifs.’ I am sorry that it was out of my control to keep you here; since we trust in the one who knows it all, we don’t have to pull out our hair.
We can trust in His faithful promises and walk in the confident trust that He has already given us all we need for this life ~ His son. I know God has greater plans for you as an angel and for us as a family, and we continue being his stewards until the day we meet again. Thank you for teaching me to value what is important. Please remind me to say more yes to fun and adventure with your papa and sister and enjoy life.
A love Letter To You My Angel On Your Due Date
Thank you for showing me what courage and vulnerability should look like. Thank you for the incredible memories that we were able to take with you, be it when you were in my tummy or the day you were born, and we got to spend some time with you.
These memories will last forever, and though I am sad for losing you, I am thankful that you were mine and will always be. I am thankful that your life, though small, has made an impact on my life. I pray that your story will continue to impact many, and our lives will be used by God to bring hope to those who hear your story ~our story.
I won’t hide the fact that our lives seem to be empty in the sadness and tears, and we miss your addition to making us a family of four. However, we thank God for His new mercies and grace that has helped us focus on life itself as a gift and what you have made us become.
I know we have all become different people since your birth, especially me. A part of me died the day you passed, but I pray that I will one day sing; it is well with my soul.
I pray that one day, I will tell you that everything is okay and that we have found our new normal. I know your papa and IJ have better than I. I guess it is legit that as your mama, I still feel this way. I carried you in my womb, and you were snatched away from my body without warning.
My body is empty without you, but my heart is full of your love. I know time will heal my heart, but nothing will ever take you out of your mama’s heart. That’s the special bond between a mom and her kids, both angels or living. Some days are deficient, and I suffer from within.
Sometimes when it is overwhelming, it comes out in petty tensions among us as a family. However, we are still learning to accommodate our new selves and always open up about our emotions~ I am still the culprit here.
In the hard times and good days, we are incredibly grateful for friends and family both near and far who have made these last weeks, especially November, a bit easier through texts, words of affirmation, encouragement, and prayers. Even in the sadness, I want to assure you that you were a gift to us, and you mattered.
You are precious, and we will miss seeing you growing up. We were ecstatic when we found out that we were expecting you, and we were all looking forward to officially meeting you when the time was right.
Thank you for the lessons your birth/passing has taught me. I am also thankful for the life lessons that you have taught me. I see life differently now and am learning each day to prioritize what needs to be prioritized and not focus on petty issues.
Though I have changed, I pray I have become or still in the process of becoming a better person, wife to papa, mama to your big sister, and a daughter of the highest King using my God-given talents and being Christ-like.
You have been the check meter that helps me continue looking up to God. In the moments I am low or feel like I need assurance from man, I know it’s my call to look up to God.
I don’t have to tell you again how loved you are and that you are God’s masterpiece. I am sure you know that already and are experiencing it better than I can tell you. You were a gift to us, and now God had to take you back to Himself, and we will find the new normal in that.
God has a plan for us, and this perfect plan will be revealed when we meet again and at His appointed time. I miss you love.
May you rest in peace and know that you will always have a special place in our hearts.
“I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD” (1 Samuel 27-28).
