loss | No Fear, Just Hope

A LETTER TO MY RAINBOW BABY ON YOUR 1ST BIRTHDAY.

July 10, 2020

There are so many opinions surrounding why children born after a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss are reffered to as ~ Rainbows. Many mothers have lost 1st borns and then gone to lose the next baby(s). So for them, how do they refer to the baby that follows if and when they are blessed with one? For many others , it has brought encouragement and made parents open up and share their grief and loss stories and the babies that followed. A rainbow term for their baby offers peace, hope and a promise that is here or is to come. For some, they do not want to refer to their babies as rainbows because to them, it only means that their angel baby therefore becomes the storm, and for them, they are not the storm but came during a storm.

For me, Amirah, came at a time when everything around me was dark just like how the storm clouds rage in darkness. I introduced her in a previous post as our rainbow miracle, just like what the rainbow symbolized in the bible. To me, she was a true symbol of God’s faithfulness which He gives and continues to show, as He promises to take care of us and protect us during and after the storm. The storm might end but there will surely be stormy clouds hovering around ready to discourage us. However, we must not lose hope because the promise keeper is a good father and blesses like one. To me, she’s my rainbow miracle and here is a letter I wrote for her 1st birthday.

Letter to my baby

Oooh, where do I start! The 1st time I introduced you, I spent more time talking about your angel sister Olivia. However, today is your day and I promised myself that I will only talk about you . But I am torn, how can my my heart be sad yet grateful at the same time. It is amazing and still mind-blowing how sadness, grief and abundant gratitude can be in one basket. I am now convinced that what is required is a balance of each so that joy can be felt.

Its your 1st birthday and I look at you in your papa’s arms and your proud big sister next to you helping you blow out the candle. My mind immediately strays and thinks about your angel sister Olivia and how she would be next to you as well. I then feel the emptiness and her absence is very evident. For a moment, I wanted something that I could not have but within moments , I quickly was back present in the moment and your smile made me count my blessings.

I do not know if you would have been here if Olivia were to be here now. What I know is that you are here now, not to ever replace her but to tell my heart that it can love again and for sure you are doing a great job in this. Amirah, I would like to say how sorry I am for the times I was looking for your angel sister in your eyes. Going forward, though the storm clouds may hover around my heart and make me feel the despair, I promise that I will not let it overwhelm me. One thing the experience with your sister Olivia taught me is that yes, the despair and sadness will ways exist but I can not push them away to the point of them being nonexistent . All I can do is cultivate a lifestyle of gratitude, as the rest I may never understand and that’s ok.

I have come a long way but for sure I am a better student now in this class that teaches how to grieve and love at the same time. The lessons are far from over and haven’t been easy either, because losing your sister has changed me forever. Even if you would have come many years after Olivia, I would still grieve her loss and love you at the same time. It is just a contrast we will have to live with and take it as a beautiful journey. You are here and my heart is full of love for you. Loving you has opened a new self in me. I am able to express my positive emotions more openly and I am even saying many yes(s) to you and your sister more and more. I love you my Pendo.

When we found out we were expecting you, we especially, I had not had the time to digest everything that had happened with your sister Olivia and how her arrival almost cost my life. So the 40 weeks of you in my stomach were filled with worry, fear, and anxiety but in the midst of them all, hope endured. During that time, I was grieving but fully grateful for the miracle of carrying you. When you were born and were handed to me, I held you tightly but could not stop crying for about 10 minutes or so.

With your big sister, Imani-Jane (Faith-God is gracious), she came out and I immediately was in prayer mode, I was praying and saying ‘Thank you Lord’’X 100 ;). With your angel sister Olivia Amali (Hope), I had battled everything to keep her and now in the final battle arena, I felt like I had lost everything including myself. So when she came rushing out, I just sobbed silently with tears pouring down my face and made no sound until much later when I broke down. Now with you, it was like a tear-packed worship service with no words except those plainly written in my heart to God. I have heard of those who are filled with Holy Spirit and start laughing uncontrollably, in your case I was crying but because of shock and deep hurt.

In those early weeks and months, I had also just discovered that I too have emotions and I am allowed to feel them, understand them and express them as raw and polished as they come. So, time and time again, after your birth I would shut down, open my suitcase of raw emotions so I could get a glimpse of how they looked on that specific day or season. I would allow myself to feel them and express them later on or immediately. To be honest, I might have taken too long inside the suitcase on many occasions which led to me not welcoming you fully and I apologize for this. It’s like I was afraid, I don’t even know why and this led to me not introduce your arrival to loved ones for a long time. In my heart, I wanted to welcome you fully 1st to myself and only then show you to everyone. Your papa had to take this introduction role in the 1st months.

All went well in the 1st few weeks but all broke loose again when you were diagnosed with extreme eczema. To be honest, those months have gone to be very traumatizing for us. Seeing you scratch and ache in pain and with nothing we could do, broke our hearts and still do when eczema re-surfaces time and time again. Each time you cry now, it’s like something is triggered in my brain and I freeze. I want that pain you are feeling to freeze as well. Being in a dark place emotionally coupled with sleep deprivation made me vulnerable to many things in a negative way and I am sorry it did not bring out the best in me. Growing up, I had no time to feel any emotions. Therefore, I put up walls so heavy and thick to protect my mind and heart. Previously, I absolutely would never put myself in a position of vulnerability, I was always fully on guard.

One thing I recently realized when I told a colleague that you were almost one was that I was so focused on making you comfortable and taking care of eczema that I most of the time missed watching you grow. When we spent time together, I was always alert just so you don’t scratch. I never really let go and it’s something I am learning seeing how you are growing now and how thankful the eczema is getting better. We still have a long way to go but definitely, further away from where we have come from, and for that, I am deeply grateful. Amirah, I will say this, you are a very strong girl and I know you get this from your mama and Oma-Kenya.

My princess Amirah, when you were born, I said many blessings over you and one was because of your middle name Godelieve (God’s love) which is your late sweet Oma’s name. Like I declared that day, may you not just be a beautiful princess with your beauty, but may you heal hearts and love selflessly. May you live to your Oma’s legacy and may God’s love just like your name, shine through you to other people so that they may see Christ in you as the living hope of glory and this may cause them to glorify God.

I was crying up to here, but now am smiling silly when I think about how intentional we are with the names we have given both your sisters and yourself and how God seals them with His mark like a prayer. My love, you now obviously know that I have loved other children before you and you came at a time when my heart had been crushed and I was sure to my ‘standards’, that there wasn’t any chance I was able to have any love left to love again.

After your big sister, I loved your angel sister very much but did not get a chance to bring her home and my heart was in pain. But, I was very wrong about my heart’s love capacity. Despite our rough start and my fear of loving you, my heart was fully capable and also ready to love you. I loved you before you were put in my arms and the crying when you were born, was all my fears melting away and my heart receiving you wholeheartedly. You are my rainbow miracle and beautiful addition to the Ibis family.

Amirah, you are a courageous girl and such a delight. You have filled our hearts with so much joy and cheer, we had no idea we were living in deficit. Your big sister keeps saying ‘’ I can’t believe she is here/ I am so happy she is here with me/ she makes me so happy’’. Each time she says this, I always feel a lump in my throat and happy tearful eyes. I won’t even talk about how you make your papa feel, I see it in his eyes and it makes me love him even more. I already warned him that you are mine because he already has I-J ;).

We have passed through fire as a family but having you and your sister is the bond that has kept us strong and given us hope. I only started saying ‘I love you’ 12 years ago when I met your papa but in the last one year, I have said so many ‘I love you’s to you and your sister that compensates for those many years I didn’t express it. Thank you for teaching us the basics like letting go of petty things in order to enjoy the present beauty life brings.

Amirah Godelieve Zahara Ibis, you know to me you are ‘ Pendo’ and ‘Mama’ because you gonna love like a Mama. May you grow up to know that you are loved deeply and beyond measure, just like you have loved us and continue to do. You are a gift to us and a reminder from our heavy father that our broken hearts were very much capable of loving again. God brought you into our lives to heal our broken hearts at His beautiful time.

Happy 1st birthday Amirah. May you continue bouncing God’s love around the room and the world.

Love mama.

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Emotions

At War With Mother Nature.

October 28, 2019

There are so many stereotypes around breastfeeding – what is right, how it should be done, how long, exclusive feeders feeling better than formula feeders etc.

I have come to learn all through my pregnancies, that in the Netherlands, breastfeeding is advised and formula is not looked down upon. Around the 3rd trimester, the midwife will ask you a couple of times whether you choose to breastfeed or formula feed etc.

Many women choose formula for various reasons. I found this very odd, the answer in my head was always ” …but offcourse…what else, why do you even ask, aren’t we all supposed to be exclusively breastfeeding our babies?”.

So, I had IJ and exclusively breastfed until 6months, introduced solids but kept breastfeeding till she was one.

With Olivia, milk production started 5 days postpartum after the crazy most painful engorgement period. I always say, breast engorgement can be worse than labor. The midwife and gynaecologist opted to give me this medication to stop milk production so it would be less emotional for me as there was no baby to breastfeed but plenty of milk, even at just what would have been 24weeks gestation.

Anyway, so I refused medication and chose to do it the natural way because I somehow wanted to experience the pain . I kind of felt that, me going through that pain justified something – not sure what. I had lost my baby, so what crazy engorgement pain could compare to that loss. I drank a lot of sage tea, fresh lemon juice, cabbage leaves on the bra, even the traditional tying method. After one week, the engorgement was less and within 3 weeks milk production had stopped.

Fast forward to now, after I had the baby, she was born with an appetite. Day one and two was no problem. Come day 3, baby was screaming of hunger, I latch her, she ‘kind of drinks’ but falls asleep 10 minutes into it and we think, she had enough. Only for her to wake up 30 minutes later, screaming her lungs out. Midwife, suggested formula to see how she reacts to it. My heart shrunk. I couldn’t imagine that my baby was going to have formula while here I was full of milk.

That night, we didn’t sleep because well, she was hungry after each feeding no matter how I latched her.
That night, I decided it was time to try formula for the sake of the baby. I kind of felt that my body was failing me again. By this time – day 4, the engorgement had started, so I wasn’t in my right mood or senses anymore with the pain. The next morning, midwife telepathically came with formula as well.

She prepared about 30ml of it and gave to baby, who finished it in less than 5 minutes. I watched the whole time. I had mixed emotions – I was happy she was finally eating but sad that she wasn’t getting it from me, the way it’s supposed to be.

This impacted me in some way, that led to to me not taking care of the engorgement, I didn’t care anymore for two days. The breasts were so full and so hard like stone. Each weighed about 2kg. I was swollen from my armpits downwards.

I couldn’t carry anything. Any contact with anything was traumatic. At the same time, I had pelvic issues, so I couldn’t walk for a week. I literally had to be helped out of bed by both postpartum nurse and my husband. I was dealing with a lot of things at the same time and these weeks were very hard.

Am grateful for the intervention of the postpartum nurse who comes with you at home and helps you for a week,as she motivated me to start doing something about the situation. She told me on day 6 ” today you are going to express milk, don’t feel defeated because you can’t breastfeed your baby, you still can do it”. I didn’t even budge .

Pumping is inhuman but very necessary especially for mamas who have opted for breastfeeding but also have to spend long hours away from the babies. Pumping then comes by default. It’s lonely as you do it in the late nights as well, deserted conference rooms, it may distort your nipples or even cracks them causing one to pump bloody milk but hey, it’s all for the good of the baby .

Anyway, she knew where my pumping gear was, so she later brought it down, put both the electric and manual one on. I came into the room to find them on the table with her waiting. I started expressing and wasn’t motivated at all. By the end of the session, I had done about 800ml..

This motivated me to pump more, and tell my brain, it’s time to do this! The only luxury problem is that I was now overproducing. I later heard that it’s not advisable to express a lot before 6weeks because the body doesn’t have a feeding rythm. Anyway, I was pumping 4 times a day and proud of myself that even though baby was ‘lazy’ to feed directly, she was still getting my milk. I later reduced to 3 times a day.

Fast forward to 4weeks up until now, eczema showed up and we thought ” this is maybe the same level as what IJ had” which we managed and she somewhat outgrew it. So, we moisturised her a lot but by 6 weeks,no improvement. We were then given some ‘ strong Vaseline ‘ which didn’t help at all.

At 8 weeks, her body had flared up, all red, scratching herself any moment her scratch mittens had fallen off, she wasn’t sleeping at night because of discomfort and to top it off, she had an ear infection .

We were fed up of the situation and went to ER. Where the dermatologist and paediatrician finally prescribed 5 creams which included a steroid hormone cream and antibiotic.

After one week of use, we saw good improvement but offcourse use of steroid is limited to only a week or two maximum, because of its side effects. So we now had to maintain this improvement with the creams we had. It’s still a challenging task but it will pass. We are now trying a few new innovative solutions recommended and others gifted by friends.

Coming back to mother nature, 2 weeks ago, I decided because of all this, I was going to stop breastfeeding completely. This is because, I wanted to eliminate any allergies coming from my diet. We haven’t done allergies testing yet, but I have read a lot about how different foods have led to baby allergies, and since I didn’t want to go on a trial run of eliminating one item at a time while she was suffering, I decided to cut the whole supply. It took me a long time to decide this.

So this time, I wanted the shortcut. I decided I was going to go for the medication because each time that week I fell back to expressing again, so I didn’t want to be tempted again when the engorgement started because of the full milk.

I went to the pharmacy only to be told, I needed a prescription. Going to be doctor, I was told, the medication isn’t available anymore because of the I’ll side effects it had. They had to take it off the market .

I was frustrated, the moment I want the medication, it’s not available. I went home and expressed again. By this time, even my body was confused. It was so difficult to stay off expressing because of the pain when I didn’t.
It’s been 6 days now of not expressing and boy oh boy, it’s been tough. I have been sick the whole time because of headaches, high fevers , no appetite and complete weakness. I was afraid of lactation mastitis as the past days were so bad.

Today, looks hopefully, no more 2kg breasts but a kg.
We finally shifted from standard formula to the hypoallergenic one. We want to try out this and see how it goes. When all looks good, we’ll try to incorporate the 6months supply of breastmilk in the freezer to her weaning foods in the near future or look into donating to the preemies at the hospital. We’ll see. For now I just want my baby to not suffer.

I told Eyup yesterday, ” here I am, stopping milk production while a friend of mine is struggling to stimulate milk production for her newborn . It feels so twisted, as I was the same person who was doing everything (pumping) to stimulate milk production just 3 months ago and now doing everything I can to stop it. I wish I could continue but I don’t want that the same thing that should be good for my baby could be the same thing hurting her.

This experience has totally changed my perspective on motherhood yet again as well as on breastfeeding. Who says exclusive breastfeeding mothers or ‘EBF’ kids are the best?? Not good for those who continue to look down on formula feeding mamas. It could be for so many reasons really. But people don’t even take time to realise this.

Some don’t produce any milk no matter how many lactation appointments or medication they take, others have preemies and milk takes time to get going because the baby isn’t stimulating alot since baby is confined to incubator.

My younger sister didn’t have milk with her first child and is now exclusively breastfeeding her newborn who feeds a lot and she has enough.

To all mothers, whether exclusively breastfeeding, formula feeding or those who have weaned off earlier, you are enough and whatever you are doing is important, keep going. You know best.

I have friends who weaned their babies at 2weeks because they couldn’t afford formula and their babies have turned out so strong. Then I ask myself why do we judge mothers who are offcourse doing everything in their powers, though limited in their resources, to love on their babies and care for them.

To all mothers, you are doing an amazing job just loving on your kiddos and being there for them 24/7, whether you are in good health or even in your weaknesses or sickness. Motherhood knows no boundaries even the toilet . Continue doing what you are doing because at the end of the day, all you do out of love for your kids is all that matters, the naysayers will keep giving opinions but you decide what’s best.

In other news, I go back to work this Friday, so this week is a little hard especially with sick kids and Oma Kenya herself but grateful that Oma Kenya is getting better and able to love on my babies and give them attention while I deal with myself.

Sorry, no much encouragement today just wanted to let this out and let all mothers know that you are all enough.

Much love.
Mama Faith Hope and Love.

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Emotions Grief & Loss Hope

The day God saved my life but called my Princess home.

November 10, 2018

#TRIGGERWARNING: Pre-term Labor and sensitive details.

Cont….

I broke down at church Sunday morning during prayer time. I was sad for a moment but I prayed that God would surround me with his Love, at that moment , I felt an overwhelming presence of the Holy Spirit around me. It was so strong that I could not stop the tears. The next reaction was me running outside to the toilet and screaming there. Not that I couldn’t do this in the sanctuary, but I felt this was just my moment and so I obeyed.

I didn’t see it coming but this month has been really hard on me, as its supposed to be the beginning of my maternity leave and Olivia’s due date is drawing near.

AUGUST 6TH: I woke up thankful for another day with my baby still inside me and was ready for the new day. There were no major chaos in the morning apart from little blood clots here and there but nothing to worry about. I mean, I came from ‘gushing ‘ active bleeding the previous day’s, so seeing only clots was a sign that no more active bleeding was taking place and it was just my body getting rid of old blood.

My birthday was the next day and some friends were coming to visit that afternoon and also to bring me some delicious carrot cake to ‘celebrate ‘ even though I was still in the hospital and it might have felt ‘wrong’ to celebrate.

That afternoon, a few minutes after our friends walked in and we exchanged pleasantries, I felt the urge to pee and this time, I felt that my body was giving me signs that things were not right. Instead of peeing, a huge clot the size of my palm fell in the toilet and I again screamed for my husband , who came rushing from the room to the toilet.

We pressed the ‘emergency bell’ and the nurse came rushing in as well. Deep in my heart, I was trying to calm myself that this was not active blood but just old blood. A few days prior to this day, the ‘placenta specialist’ had seen that a part of the placenta had separated from the main part and was to come out either earlier or during delivery. So, when that clot came, I was re-assuring myself that everything was going to be okay and that this was the ‘outlier’ placenta coming out.

The nurse did an ultrasound and Olivia was still as active as before, the nurse said that, if any bleeding starts or more clots came, I should call them. I went back to the bed and continued chatting with our friends. Within minutes, I realized that my body was giving me signs again that something awful was about to happen but I pushed that thought away and continued chatting ~ though struggling.

After about 5minutes, I decided to request for a heat pad for my lower back pain, this did not help. I felt the urge to pee again and a bigger clot followed, I re-assured myself that my body was ‘cleaning’ out the unwanted parts and leaving everything clean for Olivia. {Did you ever wonder how your scar heals itself and new skin forms? Our bodies have the power to self heal and that’s how the body gives us signs and warnings when things are not right}.

I returned to bed and this time, I could barely hold any conversation and ‘kicked my friends out’ (“ I am sorry but you have to leeeeeeeave”).

I have told this part to some before, I know that every woman experiences labour pain differently. For some its a one on the pain scale and for others its a ten, but for all of them, the pain falls in the ‘child birth labour pain scale’. The pain I felt in those minutes, were out of this world.!! I know I can take physical pain but this was beyond me and quite abnormal. My husband said later that, I was almost tearing the steel bed down.

Have you ever witnessed a dam when the water is being released? the amount of pressure from the water gushing out is immense. This is the same feeling I felt, but for me, the opening was closed tightly. So one part of my body ~the uterus was shut with a cerclage which was closing my cervix tight and keeping Olivia from being born early.

While the other part of my body was responding to mother nature’s call to give birth. My body could not hold off the labor anymore and there was nothing that could be done from preventing my body from going into labour mode. Except, the cerclage that was till in place! The cerclage was doing the job it was intended to do and was damn good at it, except this time, my life was depended on it.

What followed, was tug of war, where my body was ready to bring Olivia out, but the cerclage was holding tight like the dam closure creating an uproar in my uterus which would have taken my life if everything that followed took even just more seconds. My body had rejected the cerclage and was fighting it as a foreign body and this is what the doctors had been referring to, ‘me as a ticking time bomb’ with my life in danger, leave alone Olivia’s.

If there was no cerclage holding my cervix, Olivia would have come literally ‘gushing out’ of me from the pressure released inside of me, but now the cerclage was causing this abnormal and outrageous pain.
I was in so much pain and was screaming that I just wanted to be free of the pain. Which at that time did not cross my mind that freeing me of this pain, meant Olivia being born earlier. There was nothing about her that was causing her to be born earlier but just my body failing me too soon.

All along since my admission, the doctors, had been hoping that I could reach viability , which is 24 weeks, the baseline which is when they would intervene. That Monday, we were 23 weeks and 1day and the doctors were planning to do the steroid shots the coming Friday, to prepare her lungs for delivery incase pre-term labor still came.

So, we were right in between the viability gestation. So close yet so far, which is so traumatizing and I kept asking myself “who decides such standards , especially when life is at stake?~ most agonizing decisions in medicine (article).

For me, I did not really read deep into the statistics of what the success rates of micro preemies meant, all I wanted was my baby here with me. I read stories of 22 weaker babies graduating from the NICU and other preemies now healthy teens with healthy lives. I was just desperate that we could get to 24 weeks and that’s why we had shifted our weekly goals to daily goals ~ we just had to reach Friday the 10th.

Through all the groaning and excruciating pain, all I remember is Eyup’s gentle hand holding onto mine and his voice softly calming me and reminding me to breathe. However, the pain was beyond any breathing rhythm and I continued to groan right through his calm assurance. Despite all this , he did not stop assuring me that all will be ok.

Back to the bed, the nurse was trying to wrap the ‘contraction monitor belt’ around me to check how far they were. At this time, my husband ‘snapped ‘ at her and said that at this moment, she can see that this was not necessary and I needed the doctor right away.
I was then wheeled to the examination room. My husband was trying to recall that one minute rush to the examination room. He was so fast that he doesn’t remember the details. In the examination room, I couldn’t even get myself to sit on the chair. I managed to sit and within minutes, four doctors rushed rushed in the room.

I will not forget the look of one of the doctors, the same one who had just done the last ultrasound where everything was okay. its like she was saying to me ‘’ am so sorry, how did we even get here”.

I have always refused those ‘intimate’ gyn checks even when I was pregnant with IJ. I only unconsciously allowed it during the delivery and I remember it took me a long time to even undress in front of my husband. However, during this stay at the hospital, I became a master and all decency was thrown out of the window, all for my baby to survive.

Anyway, in the examination chair, there were about four doctors staring at me and checking what was happening. During this time, the pain had subsided and one of the doctors sitting right in front of my wide legs said “ I am going to have to break ‘the water” and puff, water came gushing out like the dam that was finally free.

Within minutes of doing that, she then said “ I can see her head, your beautiful daughter is born”. This sentence made us confused , was she alive ? why is she not crying? why did the doctor say your beautiful daughter is born?.The doctor then asked if we wanted to hold her and my husband’s reaction was NO!! which he later realized was him responding in shock.

The doctors turned to me and I gladly accepted and took her with open arms. This is the best decision I ever made for both of us at that moment. I have heard many women share with us of how they never had that precious opportunity of holding their baby angel.

The doctors left the room and I held on to my baby tightly , not wanting to let go of her. What followed was Eyup holding Olivia and letting out a loud cry, more like a groan, never seen him in so much pain.

Olivia was absolutely beautiful. Born with her hands on her chin looking so peaceful and her long legs crossed. I held my gorgeous daughter and sobbed with tears running down my cheeks some more.

I counted her feet and we were amazed and marveled at her long fingers, at how her nails were already long and I stared right back at her face and whispered “am so sorry child that my body was no longer safe for you to stay in’’. My heart broke as I was holding her, I then realized that I will never know how her voice sounds, she’ll never play with her sister IJ, or I’ll never have the joy of watching her wrestling with her papa. We wanted a second child and for a long time, we were ecstatic that is was happening and now it was being crashed right in-front of us.

No parents should go through the whole birth process and not get rewarded with hearing their baby cry. At this time, I also realized that she was in the best place, a place where she will never know pain and she will know that she was loved dearly.

At that moment, sadness filled our hearts as she was no longer crying in our arms and we just had to hold on to her, love on her and let her name ~ Hope’ come alive in our lives.

The doctors came in and the confusion continued, how did this ‘big’ baby pass through the cerclage that’s was so tightly closing my cervix?
The doctor checked me and realized that, the reaction that almost took my life, was due to the pressure that ripped the cerclage (wired suture) from one size and tore my cervix and she came ‘flying’ from that ruptured side , even though the rest of it was still in tact.

The doctor took the cerclage out and advised that I needed to go to another surgery to check the damage caused as she couldn’t determine that fully in that room. I was prepped for surgery and Olivia was cleaned and placed in a small ice bath and she could stay in the room with us.

This time, in the cold and bright operating room, I was put completely under, I just remember seeing my feet flying on opposite directions and realized how fit they were apparently only under anesthesia ;)~ again all decency lost.
During surgery, which took quite long, my husband was waiting for me again not knowing the extent of the damage and whether I was coming out soon.

Thankfully, I was released to him even before my feet ‘woke’ up. We spent the night at the hospital with Olivia in our room looking like a princess who was just swimming in water.
I have read of parents who had the privilege of having their angel baby with them, either in a refrigerated cot or ice bath and I was grateful for this moment.

God saved my life – Grief Image by Nelly.

The nurse came in every few hours to change the ice as this made her skin look beautiful. That night, I laid in bed still in shock, stuck to a catheter and watched Eyup go over the ice bath a couple of times and just stood there staring at Olivia and sometimes holding her. The ice bath was clear, so I could see her from my bed and I will never forget how peaceful my princess looked still with her legs crossed.

I guess she was going to be lady like her big sister IJ. We loved on her, prayed together but it hurt knowing that this was also our goodbye moment , such strange moment of hello~goodbye.

As much a sadness still fills our hearts and whether the joy of our second daughter that we will never get to experience, there was no time, fear was part of the chaos that have changed our lives.

There was no time, I felt afraid. I felt the presence of God so strong the entire 1.5 weeks I was in the hospital up until that fateful Monday when my life was at stake and my princess was instead called home.
My body gave a chance for a beautiful girl to grow in it but she could not survive ‘mother nature’s ‘ call of labor and was born sleeping ~ she passed as soon as the excruciating pains and the war in my uterus begun.

On Tuesday 7th, messages came from every where. For those who knew, did not know how to say “ Happy birthday’’ but still , it couldn’t be hidden as it was indeed my birthday. At one time, someone said all the 3 wishes at once to me ~ “congratulations on the birth of your daughter , my condolences and happy birthday”. She said that even though Olivia had passed, she was still born to us and we were her parents.

Later that day, the “Make a Memory’ foundation came in to make beautiful picture memories of Olivia and us. We brought a few drawings from her big sister and made it a special time. During the photo session, we become again vulnerable to each other, Something am still learning. We are so thankful for the privilege of something so basic as pictures, but for us this was our intimate memorial for Olivia ~ just a princess with her mama and papa.

We had some carrot cake later in the day with some friends and colleagues who had come to visit. All this time (about 1 week, I had only been texting with my mom and she was still in shock as to what had happened. Eyup had been keeping her posted since I was rushed to the hospital and the surgeries etc, but she still wasn’t sure on the chronological order of the events and chaos. So me calling her a week later, helped put things in perspective like she confirmed.

I think I have mentioned this before, I know I am a woman of faith, but my mom is on another level. I have never seen her troubled ~ she is the one you call when in stormy sea and she tells you ‘’ He Knows , why are you worried?”.
However, this was the first time I was hearing her saying that she hadn’t slept well that week and her heart had been troubled, but hearing from me about what happened, really made her thankful.

I was shocked! My mom then said “ Nelly, we have to change our hearts to that of thanksgiving”. She continued to say “my heart is sad for the granddaughter I was looking forward to seeing end November but I am thanking God for your life.

Do you see how prophetic it is that she was born on the 6th, and your life was literally at stake but you survived all that and God let you have your birthday the next day day after the dark stormy day”? At this time, I was literally speechless and tears were rolling down my cheeks. I knew that the God we serve is all powerful, all knowing like mama likes saying. I put the phone down and gave Christ my heart and confessed of all negative bitterness which had put me in control of my heart.

I may be sad, but sadness doesn’t dwell in my heart because , where there spirit of God is, there is freedom and joy which passes all my understanding. I know that God continues to give me peace that gets me through the days as His mercies are new each morning. He is mourning and rejoicing with us all.

God is love and He brings life in our bones. I pray that you and I will one day sing “it is well with my soul’” what victory and testimony that would be.

Love always,
Nelly.

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Grief & Loss

Re-living My Loss Trauma ~ What really happened?

November 9, 2018

Holiday in 3….2…..1 Not!

I decided to take my mind back to those terror filled days.

Friday 27th July was my last day at work. I finalized my tasks and managed to hand over my work to my colleagues until when I would resume.

At the end of the day, Eyup and I-J picked me up from work and the excitement to the three week holiday couldn’t be hidden. Our first stop was the supermarket for a final grocery shopping, as we had organized a backyard boutique event for Angaza the next day in our garden and I still needed to make delicious Samosas.

After having dinner and after making the samosa fillings , I decided to take a break while the samosa fillings cooled off. During this time, I felt an urge to pee, went to the toilet and let’s just say that, that toilet visit was the beginning of what shook our world. Instead of just peeing, drops of blood filled the toilet seat and I could feel my baby literally falling out of me. The last thing a pregnant woman wants to see is blood.

Some back information :

* At the 20 weeks anatomy scan, I was found to have a shortened cervix and IC as well as Placenta Previa. (read more about IC and Placenta Previa on my previous post).
* Before that scan, I was running 3-6km almost every weekday and sometimes a 10km in the weekend.
* I stopped running after that 20week scan because when you have IC, apparently, gravity is your number one enemy. #guiltfeelings.

So the bleeding and bulging membranes was about 2weeks after the anatomy scan.

In the toilet, I immediately screamed for Eyup at the same time talked to God (ok more like yelling at him…) I kept on repeating ‘’This can not happen God, ooh God, but you got this God’’.

There’s something about the speed of how a husband rushes to his wife screaming his name in terror. I think from the living room , he sensed the terror in my voice and literally came ‘flying’. The next thing I-J comes following him and right then my mama bear instincts came in and I ask Eyup to distract her not to see the white tiles in the toilet which were now red. So, he manages to send her upstairs and after looking for the midwives number for a minute (which felt like an eternity) we call the midwife who thank God was at our house in less than 6minutes.

At this time, I had managed to drag myself with my knees together in fear of baby falling out and went to the couch. The midwife examined me and saw that the membranes had moved up a little and asked that we go immediately to the hospital which she had also called and informed them that we might be going and they should get ready.

I was admitted on that night and that was the beginning of both major rollercoasters and victories we have ever encountered. The gyn- surgeon was called and they gave us the options below.

1. ‘Wait and see’ Approach ~ they do nothing on my cervix apart from ‘wait and see and hope’ that it resumes back and baby stays intact until full term. (There are many success stories from this)
2. Place the cerclage and close my cervix . (..Since this was going to be an emergency cerclage and not a preventive one which is usually done at 11-14weeks, there is a lot that could go wrong.
1. My body could reject it and I would still go into pre-term labour.
2. I could get an infection and my life would be in danger, leave alone the baby’s.
3. General complications that could go on as this was surgery like any other. which has risk of complications.
4. Complications on the baby due to the anesthesia at that time of Olivia’s gestation.
5. Choice to go on with the pregnancy (In other words terminate).

All this time they were talking, I was praying and begging God to save my baby’s life and guide our next decision.

With all these options on the table, they left the room and gave us time to decide. We could not believe that our daughter’s life was at stake and our decision that night would play a big part in what could happen next. We decided to go for the cerclage as this was in one way giving her chance of survival. I again silently prayed and asked God to fight for us with this song in my mind. (Michael Farren ~ Fighting for us).

You never close Your eyes
You’ve never been surprised
Whatever war may rise
You’re fighting for us
You move with holy rage
In all Your miraculous ways
We simply stand here amazed
‘Cause You’re fighting for us, fighting for us!

[Chorus 2]
You won’t hold back when it comes to Your children
You fiercely defend us ’til we stand delivered
You’re fighting for us, always fighting for us
You don’t back down facing armies of thousands
You speak one word and they scatter around us
You’re fighting for us, always fighting for us!

I was asked not to eat anything to prepare for the surgery next day~ Saturday. That Saturday evening, I was rolled into the OR ready for surgery. Since I work in the medical devices industry, the same innovative devices and equipments I talk about at my work each day were going to be used on me, I found that interesting and somehow cool . God has blessed me with good health that ever since I was born in the hospital 33 years ago, I never went back again until I had our 1st daughter IJ.

Before, the surgery, the surgeon approached me and told me ‘’ I can’t promise you that I will be able to close the cervix as the membranes were pretty ruptured and I might not have any ‘tissue’ to suture on but I will try’’. Just then, when they wee going through the control checks and someone said ‘’lights!!, its as like I was in a movie with the bright light on my face. I closed my eyes and invited God in the OR and asked him to take charge and to provide ‘space for the suture to be placed’.

During the operation, being on local anesthesia one other doctor kept me occupied, we talked about Kenya , our faith and I talked about what “Hope’’ means for us. I then realized it has been a few minutes and I ask the doctor if the surgeon found tissue for the suture of which she responds ‘’ yes, she did, she’s almost done and is closing up!’’.

Immediately , I start sobbing and thanking God in my heart for this victory and for me, the hope that we would meet Olivia when the time was right was so alive at that time. I then start envisioning the next goals ~ 24 weeks, 30 weeks, new born baby Olivia as I can now see them as a reality because of the successful surgery.

The surgeon approaches me again and says ‘’It was really complicated but I managed to find space and some tissue to hold the cervix and I closed it very well, the suture is pretty tight but we will need to keep you here as the next days are crucial” . I held her hand tightly, looked her in the face and thanked her from the bottom of my heart. I was then rolled into the recovery room for my for my lower body to wear off the anesthesia.

Prior to the surgery, we had been told that it usually take about 45 minutes. However, since my case was ‘complicated’ as they kept on saying, it took about an hour and half and another hour for my legs to ‘wake up’ . The look my husband had when he came to meet me at the recovery room was one I will not forget.

That’s when I realized that all this time, I was in surgery and recovery, Eyup was waiting not knowing what was going on. I was only allowed to go back to my room or he allowed to see me once my legs woke and I could pee on my own. #whatALuxuryToPeeOnYourOwn. #NotForGranted.

I can only imagine what it must have felt for my husband to wait back in the room for me not knowing what was happening , why it had taken long and whether I was going to make it back. That night, we were again hopeful that we had given our daughter a chance and we could be excited of the day we would finally hold her in our arms (on her due date) and bring her home. Eyup took me to the room and before he went home, the Doctors came and repeated why it was crucial for me to stay put at the hospital.

Rollercoaster and victories going forward :

* So as mentioned above, Friday was admission and surgery done on Saturday

* Sunday 29th July~ started continued on antibiotics and indomethacin ( ‘keeps the uterus calm’). The catheter was also removed. Thank God for normal peeing privilege .

* Monday night 30th July ~ Am trying to fall asleep when about four doctors who look worried come rushing to my bedside. They say how concerned they are about the high infection parameters in my blood and say that I was literally a ticking time bomb and my life was in danger.

I immediately called Eyup an since it was about 10pm, he had to call his parents who live about twenty minutes away just across the border. His dad came in no time and picked IJ. So thankful for the support from family and friends. When Eyup arrived, I share the news with him, then we prayed and held our hands for long (just like the day we 1st met (Story for another day 😉 and spoke encouragement and hope into the situation .

* In those moments of uncertainity , I went to bed in prayer and gave my body to God. I was reminded of Ps 112: 1 & 7. Praise the Lord. Blessed are those who fear the Lord, who find great delight in his commands.They will have no fear of bad news;their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.

* Tuesday 31st July~ Blood parameters are stable. My family surprises me with Belgian fries and goulash for dinner. (I boycotted hospital dinner that day .

* Wednesday 1st August~ Started the day hopeful, I had just finished praying for my neighbor and gotten back to my bed when I started bleeding. Our world is shaken again.

* The doctors can not tell where the blood is coming from. The doctors say they can not decide anything now but if bleeding continues, they would have to remove the cerclage and that could mean going into labour but less chances for them to do anything for Olivia as she wasn’t viable (24weeks)for their hospital yet.

* Thursday 2nd August~ thankful for new day and new victories. Then, I start experiencing uncomfortable pushing and pulling of my uterus but no active bleeding.

* Friday 3rd August~ Thursday night leading to Friday was not pleasant. I had painful cramps and the ‘famous Dutch’ paracetamol helped a bit. I was then added some Indomethacin to control the uterus and ‘keep it clam’.

* Saturday 4th August~ I vomitted for the second time in my 33 years and that was the beginning of what I called “ BLEEDING DAY!.
* – That day, our pastor and some church leaders came to visit and when they asked what to pray for , I said “let us pray for fever” sounds harsh right?

* – For me, having fever, would enable the doctors decide. All this time, they had been telling me “ we do not know what to do now, we are going to meet tomorrow with more specialists and research , then we will come back to you” or “ we are giving you the indomethacin because you have no fever, but if you would have fever, we would have to stop it right away as the combination of fever and blood infection parameters will be ugly’’.

* That is why I asked God for fever and for the 1st time in my life again, I had fever that night and all the nurses came running to my room after Eyup noticed that I was shivering. I knew God would reveal himself and answer that prayer but when it actually happened, I experienced His heart. We kept on talking about it and even laughed . The doctors finally had the reason to stop the Indocid.

* Sunday 5th August~ Infection parameters were stable , no bleeding just small clots here and there. Since, the hospital is near our church location, I had some friends visit me. We were laughing so hard until we had to close the doors. I had a headache from all the laughter and my jaws were literally hurting . This was one of the best days in the hospital and I will end here.

In all the chaos from that day and till Sunday, everyone, including the doctors , were astonished that Olivia was perfect and continued to survive and move like nothing was wrong around her. No man made theories or explanations, because while the conditions around her continued to worsen, she was active like always and continued to beat the odds.

Love Always.
Nelly.

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