As a single lady, one area that I’m sure a lot of us experience challenges is sexual intimacy. The clamor for sex is sickening. The enemy dangles it in your face like you can’t do without it. You can’t damage your life before marriage. You have to step into it whole ~Hebrews 13:4. When you crave for something the most, it never comes your way. You don’t need to pleasure yourself in the bid to while away time i.e. masturbate. You need to pour yourself into an activity that brings self-worth, pride, and fulfillment.
Sometimes I feel left out? But then am I really? Life is in stages and everyone goes through them at different times Eccl 3:1-11. I am blessed with singleness, and I need to enjoy it and accomplish the unaccomplished goals. I noticed that when I start being idle the temptations arise. Therefore, don’t mark time, be involved, and bless lives.
Another area is purpose. I think sometimes we need to ask “Who am I? What are my strong attributes? Do I believe in myself?”. Here are some things I know about me.
I am bold, courageous, friendly, funny, I save well, I am brilliant, I have good ideas, I love to see things change, I love fries, chocolate, I have a knack for good things. Most of all, I’m loved by the King of kings John 3:16
What then should define me? What God says or the compliments I have from people? The reason I ask these questions is that as a single lady, there are times I feel alone or maybe something’s wrong somewhere. So then I start to search for where those thoughts are coming from and question my motives or thought process ~Romans 12:2, Phil 4:8.
Here are more examples of those questions. Do I think that when I don’t have a particular interest in a type of man, I’m not beautiful or attractive? Am I a people pleaser than a God pleaser? Do I always seek reaffirmation from people always? Do I feel unworthy because I’m feeling not love-able? What baggage do I carry that hinders me from being free to be loved?
I honestly dread a bad testimony about me from people I have interacted with. The fear of them knowing my flaws makes me feel unworthy, unlovable and could make it difficult when actually someone might care.
I know some of you might be like me with all these thoughts. I just want to let you know that you are not alone. I find my strength daily in God’s word and here are a few of those I love are Ps 139:7-18, Phil5:6-7, Rom 8:28;35-39, Jer29:11, Eccl3:1-11, Jos1:7-9.
These verses encourage all the time knowing that He has a plan and being single is part of that, so I take my time to enjoy it to the fullest.
To all my single ladies out there, your best days are ahead of you. Keep your head high and wait in purity.
Love,
Seyi.
My name is Seyi Alalade. I’m from Nigeria and yoruba by tribe. I’m the last of a huge family of 8. I’m a scientist by profession specializing in the biopharmaceutical industry. I’ve been in the Netherlands for 7 years and lived in 6 different cities. I enjoy traveling, singing, dancing, hosting people and enjoying movies. Most of all, Jesus is my friend!
As a single mother of four I wanted to invite you into my journey to shed some light on some of the challenges I have faced as a single mother, and to encourage us as I write from a place of strength but also to make everyone aware of how they may have wrongfully judged single parents who are just trying to make ends meet in a clean way.
My story is long but I want to share in bits the journey of raising children single-handedly especially in a community that regards single mums as lesser beings.
When the world gives you lemons word has it that you should make lemonade out of it and well the process of making lemonade for a single mom may be next to impossible. Facing the world around me sometimes can be so depressing as I can’t control what society thinks of me. I can’t have male friends and peace in the same basket.
My job as a designer for both male and female attires has made me work on projects for couples and delivered good results because I am passionate about what I do. However, in many instances, I have later lost clients the moment they realized that I am a single mom.
Work goes perfectly well and even during fitting you see the husbands openly appreciating my work but the next thing I hear is they are no longer interested and it is usually the women (wives) calling or texting to cancel. It is like they start feeling insecure and threatened. I feel like it is also how society perceives single mothers, it’s like if you succeed or are doing well and have no husband, people assume you are probably being helped by a certain man and he is probably married.
The society does not categories us as victors or people who can stand on their own. It is like we need man to be our anchor. On many occasions I have had to ask God where does that leave me? because to me, He is my only refuge, He has picked me up from a messy miry clay and set my feet upon a rock and if my work and results is seen as an opportunity to break marriages, my heart turns to Him for assurance that I can still hold my head high and use my gift to fend for my children.
On one instance, I remember someone commented on a friends photo how his shirt was was nicely done and my friend who had seen the post , knowing my work, tagged me. For me, seeing my work being loved and appreciated was something really motivating especially coming from the humble beginings where I was struggling to fully accept and walk in the abundance that I am gifted.
So I immediately connected with the guy and ended up having a business date. After the appointment for fitting and deciding designs, fabric, and all that stuff, I made him the first shirt and he loved it so much that he started placing orders of 4 shirts each month. He seemed to be a busy guy, so every time I was done, he just requested I post/deliver the shirts wherever he was.
I did this faithfully until his wife called me one time. To my surprise, she had been discussing me with a relative of mine with whom they were friends and their plan was to attack me and they actually did this, saying all manner of things and calling me names.
I have seen this a lot in my circle of single mothers in businesses that involve them be of service to men whether married or not. It is very difficult to convince other people that one can be single at an age like mine and still be a virtuous woman. That you can have male friends in your circle as a single mom and still maintain respect.
The wives harshly judge and put me in a box labeled “ husband snatcher’ just because I am single. I can not blame those who have been hurt because of single business women who instead of offering professional services, they instead went ahead and made advances on the client’s husbands.
However, it is wrong to judge and talk ill about single mothers who are struggling and working hard to get clean business deals so they can make a living. In most cases, even when it was the only project at hand, I decided to save my name and I chose myself. I always choose and love myself. God has been faithful to always come through for me and my children in such moments when I had to let a project go.
Jeremiah 147:3 is clear that he heals the broken-hearted and binds their wounds. This has always been my encouragement word from the bible. No matter how much people hurt me out there, no matter what they say about me, there is that person who heals my broken heart. I pray that my heart and those of any other person going through this will be strongly rooted in Christ, so we can only believe His voice of truth and not easily be broken but what society says or judges.
My faith and knowing my identity in Christ has made me let those clients go in peace without fighting back, even if it meant seeing my children’s school fees walk out in my eyes. It is always interesting that after I have gone at lengths to refer them to other designers, they always end up coming back to me out of disappointments.
I thank God because it is clear that what He brings my way, no matter what society thinks, remains my portion of His providence in my life. He continues to look out for me in the midst of the noises and misjudgments. Therefore, I will not be discouraged by what someone else thinks of me. I will not give up on my talent for mere talk and noise made to distract me from walking my journey and using my talent to bless others.
In the middle of all these, through Christ’s strength and grace, I have also learned to come home with my head lifted up no matter what stigma comes with being single. As single parents especially mothers, we still have a long way to go. As God fights the noises for us, let us learn to mind our own business, seek His wisdom, discernment and clarity on what assignments to take and those to pass. I have learned to be quick in listening rather than responding in anger. If I have to talk then I must be mindful of what I would say so it doesn’t hurt another person.
I have had to ask for God’s ‘green light’ when I sensed that a certain project would face objection, He has always come through for me, sometimes I do not even need to turn them down, they just all of a sudden give an excuse that something came up ~ it is just God’s way of clearing the path for me. As He sys in His word Isaiah 45:2 ‘.I will go before you And make the crooked places straight; I will break in pieces the gates of bronze And cut the bars of iron.’’
I just want to tell the married women and those who have fallen into this, I would like to just say to you my fellow women, single moms also deserve respect. Some of us are single by circumstances, be it death, divorce, separation, estranged husband, parenting outside of wed-lock, by choice or whatever the case may be.
In the beginning of my single parent journey, this bothered me a lot because I was dealing with a lot of other loads of baggage. However, today am more stronger than ever with my head lifted high because am a virtuous woman and I know who God says I am. We are not virtuous because of our actions. God knows I have had my own share of mistakes and falling short. However, God has made us virtuous because of the Holly Spirit living in our hearts, nudging us to show grace, love deeper, forgive graciously , accept forgiveness without shame or condemnation because we are not perfect but we push harder every single day making our lives worthy of the sacrifice that He gave for us. This is how we get our badges of virtuous women.
I daily seek God to have a clean virtuous badge, that He can see me worthy and call me ‘good and faithful servant’.
I lean on His promises and HIs voice of truth. So, to you mama who is just starting this journey and all your lady friends do not want to hung out with you when they are with their husbands or have cut you out of those previous house gatherings and brunches, know that it gets better and it might be a great time for you to start thanking God for them revealing their character as friends, because a friend would not do that. Learn to put your trust in God, He who started the good work in you (yes, even the heart ache that does not look good) will see it to completion. Hold on, He is there with you every step of the way.
To every single mom out there, your greatest inspiration on earth is your child/children, be the best for them, be positive for them, for every child is a plan of God and every heart break is a sweet music.
Remember, at every cock crow at dawn, please shake the bitterness off and get out there and do what you do best in everything you do especially, raising your children to be the best versions of themselves, as your kids are cheerleading for you even when it doesn’t feel like it. You are everything they have.
You may be single moms today but we all aspire to raise the best future wives and husbands in our children and no one is helping you out, the stigma is unbearable, the society scandalizes you but it’s all about us, how we deal with these lemons, becauseto be honest, our integrity is alwaysat stake.
We cannot stoop low to their level of ignorance /misinformation/ insecurity and mis-judging, instead we rise above that. Let us remember that we are special in God’s eyes and he has our backs. Open wide your ears to listen and not to fight back in hurtful words, all the obstacles in your path are just corner stones to build you up to greatness. Your greatest achievement is raising a great person. Never ever give up. Never ever be bitter, never ever fight back. God has your back. Just be a virtuous woman and Much love.
My prayer for those women blessed to be in relationships is, for them to look up to God upon whom our identity is founded upon. Your identity is not built on mortal beings but on the one who has called you to be like Him and to love others as you love yourself. In doing this, you will find assurance when fearful.
Much love,
Eva Oguna.
Eva Oguna is a single mother of 3 boys and one girl. She loves singing and is passionate about training other single women to be economically stable.
We conquer condemnation when we follow what God’s word says about us. It is the voice of truth. It says, you are free, chosen, forgiven, called and are a masterpiece. Romans 8:1 ” Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus “.
How is that even possible when are full of sin? Its because, we have the righteousness of Christ backing us up when we stand before the father. Just like the woman caught in adultery was told by Jesus ” I don’t condemn you, leave your life of sin”, we have also not been condemned.
You have been forgiven, so so don’t condemn no one and not even yourself. Remember, the old is gone and the new has come. Walk in that confidence and experience God’s grace fully.
#Recap We have seen that we need to let go of perfectionism and instead we can strive for excellence and high standards.
Remember that you are enough, you’ve got what it takes and you are God’s workmanship created for all good works.
Christ came to make is perfect by taking our sins and imperfections. We went ahead and dug deeper to see the root of perfectionism. Mine came from the physical and emotional torture (abuse) from high school and being brought up in an environment where punishments were the order of the day. It made one grow up to assume that violence =good results. We should not spare the rod, but lets find our ways to discipline our children without humiliating them.
behavior and experiences influence on parenting
Let’s remember that our personalities and our up bringing definitely influences how we relate to our children and also triggerstheir behaviour. The only way of punishment I knew was corporal punishment and spanking.
It was humiliating and brought shame, fear of criticism and disappointing others or failing. Knowing this, why do I automatically want to do it to my children , to get their attention? I have done it twice and after the last one, I don’t think I will do it again.
God’s grace is sufficient for me. All I have to do is 1st forgive myself and all those who punished me and didn’t relate the consequences or punishment with the misbehaviour, which makes one shut down and feel like its about them failing and not having made a bad decision.
Going forward, I pray we all find disciplinary actions that are full of empathy. Forgive yourself if you chose the ‘wrong ‘ way. We all know when we did that. That high yelling we did..etc.
Please share your views on what has worked for your family. My husband was raised in a culture where everything is brought to the table and openly discussed. I on the other hand, never had dialogue with an adult and violence was used to get our attention but also, assumed to equate good behaviour.
Where Does Your Perfectionism Stem From ? {shame, fear of failing, making mistakes and disappointing people, not meeting people’s expectations……}
In the 1st video, I talked about perfectionism and how it is unhealthy because , it is only Christ who came for the imperfect us , to make us perfect. If He found us perfect, where would that leave His son?.
We saw how perfectionism is unattainable , it makes you feel you have it all figured out but in the end , what we get is an exhausted person and unhealthy destructive self talk. We are instead called to live a life worthy of His sacrifice and it may look like having high standards for doing stuff but not perfectionism, our word for that session was, 2Cor 12:9 His grace is sufficient for you, his power is made perfect in weakness.
Today, I figured, it wasn’t fair just to brush off perfectionism without looking deeper and seeing where it stems from.
This might be a longer continuation of last episode but its important.
I mentioned, I will try to share most things and emotions that I have worked through so you can meet me at a place of strength but this one, is bigger than me, I have worked through the most important part and thus feel ready and wise to share this.
If you suffer from perfectionism, try to look deeper and see where is comes from.
Healing from Shame
But before we go to that.
Have you ever thought that you are enough? That you’ve got what it takes? and its not in terms of achievements, because that would mean, being satisfied with even mediocre work, saying “hey I don’t need to do anything” but its more than this. It is about your feeling of belonging, worth and value.
For me, it began when I started high school. I started to learn that the students with good grades were valued more. They were certainly treated differently by teachers. Therefore, in the four years of high school, the shame, fear of failing, making mistakes and disappointing people, not meeting people’s expectations begun in my life.
I have found myself saying yes to many things because I did not want others to criticize my under performance. Which means, I hate confrontations, if something does not go against my principles, I will let you win the discussion or argument.
Unmasking God’s Grace part 2: Healing from SHAME:
Please take a look for yourself what shame means. “shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self; withdrawal motivations; and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness.”
But many of us will say, it is more than just a feeling because you live it. You are in the front seat of it, so it cant be a feeling.
It took me being part of some therapy and writing a biography about my life for me to finally see it.
I remember, I once broke down at the office in front of my colleagues, and my boss mentionef that it may be seen as a sign of weakness. Coming from my culture, yes it is seen as weakness but knowing what I know now, I did not cry for weakness.
I broke down, because I had worked hard so much to produce ‘perfect’ results which wasn’t seen by someone who made a mistake and didn’t even care. I broke down as I felt sorry for that individual for not being able to see their fault and because it was like I had failed.
Before motherhood, my striving for perfectionism was a counter effect of coping against shame, judgement and blame. I wanted to prove that I can do better. Even though, those I was trying to prove myself to, were no where near my life. Its the continuous struggle to belong , feel noticed, to be good enough. I was trying to earn approval from external standards made by man.
After marriage, I did it because , I wanted to be the perfect wife and after motherhood, I did not want to be blamed for unruly kids, untidy house, untidy kids. For me, it reflected to me as having failed and not that my actions fell short. You feel like you have failed, just like how I was brought up, being a good kid meant helping out, saying yes, didn’t talk back, didn’t question authority and so on.
I was in a spiral and it took me losing my daughter 2 years ago and almost losing my life, to finally try and let go of all unhealthy expectations. Being hospitalized meant I wasn’t home to control how things were being done, or what conditioner my husband was using on I-J’s hair. Life happened and it did not take me lifting my finger but only God’s grace.
So, have you ever told your self that you are enough?
Remember, you’ve Got What It Takes. Our scripture for today is,
Ephesians 2:10 “10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them”.
God Bless you, Nelly.
Below is some words, I have written about in the book, the rest, you will have to see in the book 😉
…Over the years, discussions have emerged on alumni pages on how most students have gone on to emotionally suffer from the mental torture if not physical torture that they experienced in high school. If I try hard, my justification for these actions would be,maybe they assumed that bringing up students in a very strict environment and asserting too much pressure on them caused them to excel in their studies.
Do not get me wrong; our high school scored really well on national level. The school has produced high professionals in top professions. On the other hand, it has also led to rebels, students who always found themselves on the wrong side of the law because they were guilty of petty mistakes yet tortured for it and not corrected or made to understand the nature of the mistake.
For example, those found walking on the school pavements instead of running to class were punished by kneeling on gravel in the scorching sun for a several hours, getting whipped on their behinds over and over or digging a trench on a rough terrain.
The bell would ring again, and it was assembly time. Those of us on the wrong side of the law would not know what mode of punishment awaited us. Could it be because of the chatting we were doing in class even if it meant asking questions to a classmate, or was it because I was wearing my socks to the ankle and not pulled up to the knee as it was supposed to be?
Assembly time was like facing the judge, where the accusers, the class or dormitory prefects, would call out your names and you would match forward; it was always a walk of shame with all teachers and whole school present. Most of the time, you would be belittled depending on which part of the country one came from, how well off your parents were or were not.
I remember how some of my classmates were belittled on how they would never amount anything because of their accents but have gone to become powerful attorneys in the country. In school, you were shamed for the things you did and not corrected for the mistakes. Therefore, no lesson was learned except not repeating the action again for the fear of being ridiculed. It only made you feel like a failure, doomed for nothing and not you just having made a bad decision.
This over-assertion of power on innocent students made me always be on guard, constantly checking myself and wanting to prove myself. I wanted my actions to be louder and to be seen. I do not even know why.
All I knew is that I wanted to deflect from the feeling of being shamed, and the only way of coping was to get attention by doing the opposite of what was asked. Being favoured or worthy meant pleasing students in power or teachers or even pretending so that you are seen as good and accepted. I wanted my own terms, and that landed me the title of arrogant and a position at the ‘able and unwilling’ group of students.
This meant that we were smart, capable, but not willing to put any effort in learning. Thinking of it now more than 15years later, I think this was sheer abuse of the highest order.
These are the same teachers given the mandate to bring us up and train us to be leaders of tomorrow, but here they were, shaming us and belittling us. When you did not learn the same method that was proposed or forced upon, you were seen as not trying enough. Forgetting that we all learn at different paces and pursuing different methods, one method does not fit all in any education system……..to be continued.
