Family Life & Marriage | No Fear, Just Hope

JOURNEY TO MOTHERHOOD – MY MIRACLE

December 10, 2020

Every woman has a desire to be a mother one day. It is a feeling that makes any woman feel complete. Delayed conception can come with pressure from friends, which may lead to depression and stigma. Sometimes God has his own time of uplifting our fallen spirits and filling our joy cup with an abundance of blessings. This is my journey of motherhood, entailing trials, perseverance, and most importantly hope.

Journey to Motherhood — Noella and her husband

When I got married in 2010, I knew, just like any other couple, that we shall live happily after, have the number of babies we desired, and enjoy a good life with them! What I didn’t know is that everyone has a different and unique story based on their personalities. I was no exception.

First, I experienced my monthly periods at age 16, and for a teenager like me back then, they had not been regular. My cycle could go up to 60 days, and that was enough for a celebration because forward to the red days could be the last thing a teenager could look forward to.

At some point, I started developing facial hair, which I didn’t care much about. However, I tried hard to dismiss it, but it went on until I got married and was ready to conceive.

My journey dates back to 2011, and during this time, I was not keen on counting my safe days. This is because I didn’t know the right cycle to use. My periods were already irregular, therefore placing me at a position of conceiving anytime within the long cycles. This, for sure, I knew, wouldn’t be easy. After six months in marriage and trying so hard to conceive without success, I felt that it was time to seek medical help.

I booked my first appointment with a gynecologist, and later I would be diagnosed with the polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), a hormonal disorder that causes enlarged ovaries with small cysts on the outer edges. Even though its cause is not well understood, it may involve a combination of genetic and environmental factors. Treatments can help, but it can’t be cured. Symptoms include menstrual irregularity, excess hair growth, acne, and obesity. – a case example would be a lady who is struggling with weight acne and similar problems.

I had never heard of such a condition in my life, but through the Internet, I started researching it. I got so much information, and for the first time, I began understanding some of the things that were happening to me. I fully understood the irregular periods, the facial hair, and the excessive weight gain since I wasn’t scared by fitness exercises. I dedicated my time to do so much research on the condition as if I was preparing for an exam on the topic. The doctor assured me that with the disease, I would conceive with little medical assistance.

For a start, I was put on clomiphene (fertility tablets) to help me ovulate and consequently conceive. I did four cycles but did not see any positive results. Oooh, and each time the periods would delay, I would buy pregnancy kits, anxiously, and excitedly waiting for those two lines. I had to rehearse a small skit of how I would tell my husband the good news. However, luck was never on my side.

After four failed cycles, I felt that the gynecologist was not giving me any hope, and I became impatient. Therefore, I decided that it was time to try my luck with another gynecologist. Since I had been in the marriage for a considerable amount of time, my family and close friends were anxiously waiting on that day; I would give them the good news – that I was pregnant. As a matter of fact, some were bold enough to share their proposals on when I should have babies. There is another lot that talked in low tones behind my back. They never miss in society.

The stigma in delaying children is real, and many people (including the learned ones) still believe in some myths regarding this complicated issue. The most common one is that a person who has problems bearing children must have done so many abortions, causing severe destructions to her uterus, huh! In African culture, especially in my community, the whole village expects to see a newly married wife with a booming tummy just days after the union. To them, getting pregnant is so typical, and there should be no difficulty.

So, here I am in my second year of marriage, trying to conceive silently because, with the stigma around this issue, it wasn’t safe to tell anyone that I was expecting. Sharing my problem with people around me was so risky since they wouldn’t offer any solution. Often, they would just judge. This was my greatest fear.

While walking this journey, I realized that there is nothing that can make a woman feels more alone or stressed out and depressed than trying to conceive. Thankfully throughout this journey, I had a very supportive husband who walked with me through the entire journey. Despite all that, I could still ask myself if he would finish the journey because I didn’t know the time. I feared he might succumb to the pressure, which had begun to build.

One day I decided to open up to a friend who would later refer me to a fertility specialist. When the friend gave me the doctor’s card, I felt a relief in my heart since I knew I would consult not only a gynecologist but also a fertility doctor! I quickly booked my appointment and visited the clinic, but he, like the other one, put me on three cycles of fertility treatment, which were not successful. You can imagine the disappointment. But I was not anywhere near giving up. I remembered the Swahili say, ‘Mtafutaji hachoki, akichoka ashapata,’ which loosely translates to a person searching for something cannot afford to give up until he/she finds whatever they are looking for.

This kept me going. The doctor then recommended more tests because, at this point, he was almost convinced that there could be other conditions. According to him, he had treated PCOS patients successfully within one to three cycles. The tests suggested were for both my husband and me. I was to do an HSG test (to check if the fallopian tubes were okay), and my husband was to do a semen analysis test. I went ahead and did the test and confirmed that my tubes were fine. The problem came on the side of my husband. The truth is that we then stayed for two good years without seeing a gynecologist since he didn’t have the guts to do the test. When he felt the time was running out and no miracle was happening yet, he finally composed himself and did the test, and he was fine.

Four years had just clocked in, and I was still on the journey. We had started being anxious and feeling pressure within ourselves too. The honeymoon was long over now, and we felt we needed some babies to be around. Our gynecologist later suggested that it was time to try intrauterine insemination (IUI).

IUI is a fertility treatment where sperms are placed directly in a woman’s uterus in a stimulated and monitored cycle to assist in conception. We tried two IUIs in a natural cycle and two in artificial cycles, which both failed. At this point, the doctor suggested we try In-vitro fertilization (IVF). IVF is a fertilization process where an egg is fused with sperm outside the body, in vitro. The process involves monitoring and stimulating a woman’s ovulatory process, removing an ovum or ova from the woman’s ovaries, and letting the sperm fertilize them in liquid in the laboratory to form an embryo transferred to the woman’s womb after three or so days.

Since IVF is not cheap and no insurance company pays for such, we had to look for money even as we gathered more information. We had gotten ourselves to a point where we were willing to spend anything we had to get what we could get for free- a baby. So in 2016, we were ready and did the first IVF. Unfortunately, it also failed. Stress started checking in and almost slipped into depression. The physical, emotional, and financial strain was too much. I cried and stayed in bed for two weeks, praying, questioning, and blaming God. However, I regained peace within myself and moved on. When this first IVF process failed, I was advised to try another cycle with donor eggs. I didn’t listen to this request. I finally told my husband that I was done trying and shifted my mind to adoption.

For almost a year, we never talked about the issue of getting babies. Later in 2017, my husband started convincing me that we give IVF another try. I wasn’t ready for any of this, but he remained persistent and succeeded in convincing me.

In November 2017, I started treatment at a different IVF clinic; I prayed and fasted about it with my payer partners. The process went on successfully, but after egg harvesting, my body reacted so badly. I was hyper-stimulated, and the embryos could not be transferred. So the doctor suggested that I give my body some time to heal and be ready to receive the embryos. The embryos were then preserved. I remember how we used to joke with my husband about our ‘‘babies in the fridge’’ to refer to our cryopreserved embryos. The transfer was to be done in February 2018. I talked to the doctor if we could move the transfer to July 2018 since I had an assignment away from home.

From January to June 2018, I was away from home and focused on healthy eating, exercising, praying, and trusting God, and for the first time, I experienced regular periods. This was a true power of healthy living, which is a therapy on its own. When I came back home, I did detox to prepare my body for the scheduled assignment. Having been away from my husband for six months (a long period of a dry spell), we were so much on ‘‘catching up’’. My scheduled appointment was on 4th July 2018, which was the second day of my cycle. The day came, and there was no red dot. I was so shocked and still didn’t believe I could be pregnant. Thoughts started running in my mind; maybe it was the weather change, or I was haunted by the demons of hormonal imbalance. Another one week of waiting came and passed, and nothing showed. I became worried because the IVF process requires a patient to start medication on a new cycle.

Therefore, I opted to take the test, just for the sake, and later consult the doctor for the way forward. The results came positive, and shock was all over my body. I trusted God that the results were as real as they appeared and did not take another test.

As a believer, I grabbed the blessing and possessed it. When my husband came, I told him the good news, as obviously, he refused to believe. But I later confirmed to him, and he became so happy. We cried tears of joy and immediately booked an appointment with my gynecologist. As much as we believed the test was positive, we feared that it could be a chemical pregnancy.

When I did my first scan at around eight weeks, the heartbeat could not be felt, and so the doctor asked me to come back after twelve weeks for the same. That is the longest four weeks I have had in my life. It was a mixed reaction all over – feeling good that I conceived for the first time and getting so anxious about the results.

When the day came, I was the first person at the clinic, trying to remain as composed as I could. The sonographer did the scan and could feel the baby’s heartbeat. I got so emotional and cried on that bed until she got concerned; tears of joy were freely flowing. It was the best feeling in a long time. Nothing can describe the magic of that faint fluttering you feel when your baby moves and kicks inside your belly.

It was time to thank God for this huge miracle. Even though I was aware God could do such a miracle, I didn’t just think it could be in me. Yes, He did it at his right time! I conceived naturally, and to this date, I have never gone back to the doctor for my pending IVF test. My embryos (our babies in the fridge) are still intact.

In March 2019, we were blessed with a baby boy, Jesse (gift) Amaya (a miracle in my husband’s dialect). He is a constant reminder that God exists, and he is a faithful God. Nothing is more fulfilling than I have than being a mother. I hope my motherhood journey encourages you. And that was my miraculous Journey to Motherhood.

Noella.

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Faith over Fear Family Life & Marriage Motherhood Shame

ASSURANCE WHEN FEARFUL ~ AN ENCOURAGEMENT FOR SINGLE MOTHERS

June 10, 2020

As a single mother of four I wanted to invite you into my journey to shed some light on some of the challenges I have faced as a single mother, and to encourage us as I write from a place of strength but also to make everyone aware of how they may have wrongfully judged single parents who are just trying to make ends meet in a clean way.

My story is long but I want to share in bits the journey of raising children single-handedly especially in a community that regards single mums as lesser beings.

When the world gives you lemons word has it that you should make lemonade out of it and well the process of making lemonade for a single mom may be next to impossible. Facing the world around me sometimes can be so depressing as I can’t control what society thinks of me. I can’t have male friends and peace in the same basket.

My job as a designer for both male and female attires has made me work on projects for couples and delivered good results because I am passionate about what I do. However, in many instances, I have later lost clients the moment they realized that I am a single mom.

Work goes perfectly well and even during fitting you see the husbands openly appreciating my work but the next thing I hear is they are no longer interested and it is usually the women (wives) calling or texting to cancel. It is like they start feeling insecure and threatened. I feel like it is also how society perceives single mothers, it’s like if you succeed or are doing well and have no husband, people assume you are probably being helped by a certain man and he is probably married.

The society does not categories us as victors or people who can stand on their own. It is like we need man to be our anchor. On many occasions I have had to ask God where does that leave me? because to me, He is my only refuge, He has picked me up from a messy miry clay and set my feet upon a rock and if my work and results is seen as an opportunity to break marriages, my heart turns to Him for assurance that I can still hold my head high and use my gift to fend for my children.

On one instance, I remember someone commented on a friends photo how his shirt was was nicely done and my friend who had seen the post , knowing my work, tagged me. For me, seeing my work being loved and appreciated was something really motivating especially coming from the humble beginings where I was struggling to fully accept and walk in the abundance that I am gifted.

So I immediately connected with the guy and ended up having a business date. After the appointment for fitting and deciding designs, fabric, and all that stuff, I made him the first shirt and he loved it so much that he started placing orders of 4 shirts each month. He seemed to be a busy guy, so every time I was done, he just requested I post/deliver the shirts wherever he was.

I did this faithfully until his wife called me one time. To my surprise, she had been discussing me with a relative of mine with whom they were friends and their plan was to attack me and they actually did this, saying all manner of things and calling me names.

I have seen this a lot in my circle of single mothers in businesses that involve them be of service to men whether married or not. It is very difficult to convince other people that one can be single at an age like mine and still be a virtuous woman. That you can have male friends in your circle as a single mom and still maintain respect.

The wives harshly judge and put me in a box labeled “ husband snatcher’ just because I am single. I can not blame those who have been hurt because of single business women who instead of offering professional services, they instead went ahead and made advances on the client’s husbands.

However, it is wrong to judge and talk ill about single mothers who are struggling and working hard to get clean business deals so they can make a living. In most cases, even when it was the only project at hand, I decided to save my name and I chose myself. I always choose and love myself. God has been faithful to always come through for me and my children in such moments when I had to let a project go.

Jeremiah 147:3 is clear that he heals the broken-hearted and binds their wounds. This has always been my encouragement word from the bible. No matter how much people hurt me out there, no matter what they say about me, there is that person who heals my broken heart. I pray that my heart and those of any other person going through this will be strongly rooted in Christ, so we can only believe His voice of truth and not easily be broken but what society says or judges.

My faith and knowing my identity in Christ has made me let those clients go in peace without fighting back, even if it meant seeing my children’s school fees walk out in my eyes. It is always interesting that after I have gone at lengths to refer them to other designers, they always end up coming back to me out of disappointments.

I thank God because it is clear that what He brings my way, no matter what society thinks, remains my portion of His providence in my life. He continues to look out for me in the midst of the noises and misjudgments. Therefore, I will not be discouraged by what someone else thinks of me. I will not give up on my talent for mere talk and noise made to distract me from walking my journey and using my talent to bless others.

In the middle of all these, through Christ’s strength and grace, I have also learned to come home with my head lifted up no matter what stigma comes with being single. As single parents especially mothers, we still have a long way to go. As God fights the noises for us, let us learn to mind our own business, seek His wisdom, discernment and clarity on what assignments to take and those to pass. I have learned to be quick in listening rather than responding in anger. If I have to talk then I must be mindful of what I would say so it doesn’t hurt another person.

I have had to ask for God’s ‘green light’ when I sensed that a certain project would face objection, He has always come through for me, sometimes I do not even need to turn them down, they just all of a sudden give an excuse that something came up ~ it is just God’s way of clearing the path for me. As He sys in His word Isaiah 45:2 ‘.I will go before you And make the crooked places straight; I will break in pieces the gates of bronze And cut the bars of iron.’’

I just want to tell the married women and those who have fallen into this, I would like to just say to you my fellow women, single moms also deserve respect. Some of us are single by circumstances, be it death, divorce, separation, estranged husband, parenting outside of wed-lock, by choice or whatever the case may be.

In the beginning of my single parent journey, this bothered me a lot because I was dealing with a lot of other loads of baggage. However, today am more stronger than ever with my head lifted high because am a virtuous woman and I know who God says I am. We are not virtuous because of our actions. God knows I have had my own share of mistakes and falling short. However, God has made us virtuous because of the Holly Spirit living in our hearts, nudging us to show grace, love deeper, forgive graciously , accept forgiveness without shame or condemnation because we are not perfect but we push harder every single day making our lives worthy of the sacrifice that He gave for us. This is how we get our badges of virtuous women.

I daily seek God to have a clean virtuous badge, that He can see me worthy and call me ‘good and faithful servant’.

I lean on His promises and HIs voice of truth. So, to you mama who is just starting this journey and all your lady friends do not want to hung out with you when they are with their husbands or have cut you out of those previous house gatherings and brunches, know that it gets better and it might be a great time for you to start thanking God for them revealing their character as friends, because a friend would not do that. Learn to put your trust in God, He who started the good work in you (yes, even the heart ache that does not look good) will see it to completion. Hold on, He is there with you every step of the way.

To every single mom out there, your greatest inspiration on earth is your child/children, be the best for them, be positive for them, for every child is a plan of God and every heart break is a sweet music.

Remember, at every cock crow at dawn, please shake the bitterness off and get out there and do what you do best in everything you do especially, raising your children to be the best versions of themselves, as your kids are cheerleading for you even when it doesn’t feel like it. You are everything they have.

You may be single moms today but we all aspire to raise the best future wives and husbands in our children and no one is helping you out, the stigma is unbearable, the society scandalizes you but it’s all about us, how we deal with these lemons, becauseto be honest, our integrity is alwaysat stake.

We cannot stoop low to their level of ignorance /misinformation/ insecurity and mis-judging, instead we rise above that. Let us remember that we are special in God’s eyes and he has our backs. Open wide your ears to listen and not to fight back in hurtful words, all the obstacles in your path are just corner stones to build you up to greatness. Your greatest achievement is raising a great person. Never ever give up. Never ever be bitter, never ever fight back. God has your back. Just be a virtuous woman and Much love.

My prayer for those women blessed to be in relationships is, for them to look up to God upon whom our identity is founded upon. Your identity is not built on mortal beings but on the one who has called you to be like Him and to love others as you love yourself. In doing this, you will find assurance when fearful.

Much love,

Eva Oguna.

ASSURANCE WHEN FEARFUL — Eva Oguna is a single mother of 3 boys and one girl. She loves singing and is passionate about training other single women to be economically stable.

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Family Life & Marriage Motherhood

Play, Rest and Appreciate | Taking it easy on yourself.

May 4, 2020

My husband is teaching me how to play and rest. It’s not the best class to be in but I am doing my best.

“Dear God, please pray for mummy, that she will finish working in the kitchen and she can go and rest in bed”. This was part of I-J’s prayer a few weeks ago. I strongly believe that God speaks through people (children)around us. Her previous prayers have been ” help mummy finish work so she can play with me..”. This is because, I always keep on saying ” am almost done/ am coming, you start, I will join you/ ok, 5 minutes I will be there“.

Her prayer was timely because, that same week and more so the last 12 years , my husband’s repeated words to me have always been ” try to rest and do things for you”. “Learn to finally start saying yes to you and no to others and other things “.

I took his advice and planned some dinners out with girlfriends before the lock down. I remember coming back from one of them after four hours and he was like ” you were in that restaurant for 4 hours, did they not ask you to leave?!”. I said, “yes, we were there talking and didn’t stop laughing the whole time, looks like I need many of these to catch up”

About 8 weeks ago just before schools and daycares were closed, I took the last Friday of the carnaval break off. Plan was to go for a day trip somewhere, to just escape the uptight routines and enjoy our company.

However, my husband decided this momma deserves to have her time. Or let’s put it this way “let’s force her have time for herself” . So he texts me while I was still at work ” how about I take the kids with me for a sleep over at Opa so you can rest? but promise me that you will do nothing else other than focus on you, otherwise my mission here would have failed ” I was speechless.

He picked me up, with some take away ready so I didn’t have to prepare dinner that day, and after dropping me home, they took their over night bags and left.

After dinner, I was tempted to turn the house upside down especially now that I had the perfect time and nobody to distract me. However, I remembered what my husband said and I took myself to the couch, surrounded by the “weekly mess”, I controlled the urge to start sorting and clearing things , because once I started, I would not have stopped until I was done with everything.

I sent out emails, read some bit, watched a movie and even indulged in some unhealthy snacks without the tiny puppy eyes watching and asking “mama, what’s that”?. Its like they always know when you are eating something .

So, I have a confession to make, I don’t play and when I do, am constantly checking what needs to be done, how the paint needs to be cleaned off afterwards and that dinner I should get started on.

This past Saturday, like all Saturdays, I had spent the whole day, cleaning, laundry, meal prepping, updating kids wardrobes (changing the smaller clothes for current sizes- they outgrow their clothes too quick). After the last chore, about 6 pm, I finally took a shower and joined everyone downstairs. The 1st thing, I-J did was quickly ask ” are you done with everything or you still need to do something ? ” I responded, “no, am done”. She ran to me, hugged me tight and said “finally “!

For me, loving on them means, making sure, they have fitting and fresh clothes on their backs, nutritious meals in their tummies and a clean, comfortable house they can chill in and call home.

My love language is acts of service and giving. When it comes to giving and serving to show my love or care, I know no boundary. That’s why, when I spend the whole weekend planning and preparing my home for my King and princesses, and it means everything to me. I am then surprised when my husband stops me and asks “are you ok”? Just when am scrubbing the kitchen counter.

I would then respond ” yes, am okay, why, you ok”?. In my mind, am actually thinking, ” cant you see I am busy?” All of a sudden, I snap out of my mother goose bubble and realise, I had been ignoring the same people whom I claim to be showing love by doing and serving, while their love language is quality time, words of affirmation and physical touch and not really acts of service.

While I was busy running around the house doing stuff and ‘stepping on toes’ read (nagging about the socks next to the laundry basket and toys not picked up), my clan just wanted a reassurance once in a while that I really notice them even on that cleaning day.

Truth is, when I am in my weekend mama mode, I do not like to be disturbed especially when am deep in the scrubbing, I have my music very loud, once in a while I enter the room to complain about a sock I found or toy, then go back again.

I am learning, now whenever I am in my weekend modus, I make it my goal to ‘notice them’ , I will walk to my husband and ambush him with a tight hug, tell my daughter something lovely that’s music to her ears and then head back to my bubble.

Play, Rest and Appreciate – Family Image by Nelly

I am learning that, when I serve out of love, and would appreciate the same, those around me may not be able to do that, since their love language may be different. Therefore, when my husband wants to go out for a walk on Saturday morning as a way to spend quality time with his love, I need to respect it and take it.

Instead of thinking like I have thought a few times already ” what is that walk gonna do to me, I would have use that time to iron that bag full of laundry or better, walking is not leisure to me, I walked miles and miles in the scorching sun to school”.

Forgetting that, each time we came back from those walks, even though I am not the one with physical touch or quality time love language, I would be the one reaching out to hold his hand because of how we talked and connected. I would appreciate this time because our weekly lives are roller coaster lives. I then thank him for being intentional about such things that are vital in our relationship.

I show my quality time by spending it on cooking those long prep meals instead of sitting in the garden together. My mistake is, I have always seen it as ‘waste of time’. I was very wrong about that for sure. For a long time, I would relate ” if you love me, do it like me”.

2 years ago, when I was mourning my daughter, I wanted to go back to work a week after being discharged from the hospital. My friends had to literally force themselves to come and offer me help. Because, when they asked for permission to help like ” what help do you need? I would respond with “we are okay “.

They knew better and literally planned out meals for us. Some showed up to clean and so on. I don’t judge those who ‘rest’ in the chaos, I just still don’t get it, but with my husband’s training, I will soon be the master of resting in the chaos.

The past 8 weeks of schools being out have been tough for everyone. I can’t even begin to imagine what families are going through out here. My husband has been working from home with the kids, I still go to work and try to come back earlier. But most of the times, it means, coming home to kids who are happy and satisfied and mama has to fill in the ‘nurturing gap’.

I immediately come in and before I am even at the door, my mind is racing to the 100 things I need to do. I walk in and of course the kids want to also play with mama. However, this mama, has got no time for that. At that moment, all is going in my head, is why I am the one ‘who does everything’ around here.

I forget to put myself in my husband’s shoes to even ask how he managed with the kids, was everything ok? All am thinking is ” why didn’t the kids eat any fruit/ you could have easily taken out the laundry / did those dishes when the little one was napping “.

The last 8 weeks have made me realize that, my children can do just well and also thrive even better with their papa. Mama doesn’t need to be there controlling and affirming on everything. Ooh, and I am definitely not the one doing everything, not even close.

It all starts with us mamas, we do not delegate or ask for help because, we feel like, when someone else does it, it wont be to our standards. So,what happens is , help is not offered because, since it will not be appreciated, there is no point of offering it. I remember I have come back home from some trips, and walked in to a neat home. My husband would say ” we tried to tidy up, but I know it’s not how you would do it”

If we want to stop ‘hating’ or resenting our husband’s or spouse’s behaviour, we need to shine light on the things they do so well and to those they do out of love and support for us. Or else, we would only see ourselves as the ‘saviours’ and that’s overwhelming for anyone.

All I know is that, I will still be the mom that plays or relaxes but her mind is spinning planning out the whole week or that food I need to defrost and my husband will still be the one that is all in when he plays or takes time to rest. He will be the one that pushes the coffee table and makes space to sit on the floor with his daughters or have both of them hanging on or pulling on his leg or back.

I would instead be the one who pulls a chair while they are on the floor, because I want to make it easy for me to head out to what I was previously doing. I don’t want to get ‘trapped’ or get too comfortable ‘playing ‘.

Growing up, we played outside with other kids, I don’t have memories of playing with adults – there was no time for this, they were busy fending for us kids. The last 2 years, I am more intentional in squeezing time to say more yesses to my kids and husband but also surprising them in taking the initiative to suggest play or quality time activities.

These are all my confessions, I have learned to smile now when I walk in and see my clan, the face of my happy yet exhausted husband from the day with the kids and still keeping up with his work. I smile now and remind myself to appreciate him for making life in quarantine and even before quarantine beautiful and childlike for the kids.

To be honest, the dishes in the sink do not bother him at all, so he will go ahead and make great 3 course dinners for us like he always does when he gets a chance and feed the kids but pile the dishes there and maybe forget to run the dish washer because to him, his whole attention is totally on being with the kids and giving us a great dinner.

I on the other hand, I make it my responsibility to make the usual quick and pocket friendly healthy meals that keep the family going. On those rare occasions, I will be ‘playing’ with the kids, mostly because I-J had asked 100 times, and while at it, 50% of my mind would already have planned the following days dinner, laid out their clothes and already figured out how that finger paint stain would come out of the dress she’s wearing, all this while playing with her.

I also don’t take time off for myself, which is something my husband has made me aware of several times. Between the 2 of us, he is the ‘rest master’. The house would be in chaos , in my eyes with no order but he would out of the blues say “I am going for a nap” my ‘OK’ response would instead in my heart read (how could you possibly go and peacefully nap right now!, did you see me resting all this while?).

I dont know what rest is, especially when things need to be done, I would rather finish everything until I am limping, then sit down. Instead of take breaks , reflect and come back even stronger. So, I would get mad at my husband because he went to rest. Its going to take some time but I am learning.

These days, I relax on the couch and everyone is asking whether I am ok. They are just not used to seeing me do this. I sit when I am feeding the baby, for along time, I ate lunch in the weekends while ironing or cleaning the kitchen.

It has taken being angry at my husband to become more intentional about taking time for myself. Its difficult but I am learning more about self care. When you google the word (s) ‘self care’, there’s a lot of activities revolving around the physical, spiritual, personal, psychological and professional life that one can do to take care promote a good self care.

I need to take care of myself. I grew up in a an environment where taking time to rest was seen as laziness. In high school at a boarding school, when we walked to class after a break time, instead of running , we were punished for wasting time. Time to ‘rest’ was at bed time. That’s the same thing I saw in my mom growing up. She never took a day off for herself, it was only at public holidays but even those were spent on the farm harvesting or planting.

So, when I don’t take time to sit back, anyone sitting back and relaxing or chilling around me, is not on my good side and is attacked. It has taken a lot and seen a lot of tension but I am doing better, knowing that I cant do it all alone. We are all in partnerships and the sooner we realize that help has been offered and is available to us, the better it will be for our relationships to flourish.

Instead of waiting to criticize how the onions were not cut in Julienne style for dinner, let’s appreciate that we can walk in and sit right at the table to eat nutritious meals, prepared out of love.

I have to accept that, even though my husband is teaching me how to rest in the chaos and mess, I can’t change the fact that, I am the mama who doesn’t fill guilty about not wanting to savour the moment when the sink is overflowing with dishes or floors that are crying for a scrub. I of course find my balance, and definitely have come to realise that having some order and less chaos ,sparks joy in me.

In the meantime, I will try and accept help and take moments to tell my husband, that he is doing an amazing job with the girls, and I appreciate all he does for us, because the difference is, when he does it, he is usually all in, savouring the moment and that’s what matters. I don’t think I would be sane if it was me working from home with the kids.

Are you asking for and accepting help/ saying yes to yourself more/ intentionally seeking and finding gratitude in the little things/ commending your partners for everything they do/ giving yourself permission to feel and freeing yourself from the mama guilt/ loving on your partners by showing them attention, connecting with them and trusting them?

Please do, and feel free to share your thoughts.

Mama Faith, Hope & Love.

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Family Life & Marriage Hope

Not Alone! You Are The One He Leaves The 99 To Come Find.

April 9, 2020

“Hello Opa (Grand-pa), I am so so sad that you have to spend Easter alone this year. In the past, we have spent Easter together with all the family members as well as Oma. This year, we can not come because of Corona and the borders are closed. I have made this card for you to show that I am thinking of you. Lots of love Imani -Jane. Kisses’’

This week marks one year since the passing of Oma. She died last year in April just before her birthday. Easter has always been one of the many times we would all join at the house . The younger grand and great grand kids would be playing and running barefoot in the garden with chocolate melted all over their faces. The mothers would be worried about the sugar rush later on when we would get back home, but Oma did not let that bother her. She would insist, let the kids have fun!.

At the end of the day, usually at night, Opa and Oma would give all the young kids bags of Easter presents with more chocolate and eggs . The only ‘disagreement’ I have witnessed my parents in law having with their grown kids is that ‘they cared/ loved too much’. They always go the extra mile and there is nothing wrong with this. This year, there in no Oma to love too much on her babies and her memory will live in the hearts of her children, grand and great kids as well as extended kids forever.

When I-J, read to me what she had written, I felt saddened and wanted to be there for her and Opa as well. I wanted to cal him and just hear him speak for hours ~ he can easily do this. Problem is, my dutch is not that fluent for a deep conversation like this one would entail. I was so proud of I-J for thinking of this and doing it with the help of her dad posting the letter.

It made me ponder and think about the many people who are now more lonely and alone because of quarantine and forced isolation. In NL, its common for grandparents to have a granny day where the grandkids visit and spend the day or the grandparents pick the kids from school, spend time with them until evening when they drop them off home or parents pick them up, ~ this is not happening anymore.

Last week, some friends posted a selfie they had made through the window during the weekly grocery drop off and visit to their elderly parents. This made me smile that people are finding creative ways to still have contact , just not physical. Not being able to see your parents or grand kids for weeks and then having the opportunity to see them even just through the window, I bet would be the greatest feeling ever.

On the negative side, on the news this week, it was mentioned that domestic violence has increased the last 4 weeks since the lock down both in Belgium and The Netherlands. Children are calling helplines because of all kinds of abuse and the calls from partners in violent relationships has also gone up. Mostly, such cases in children are usually discovered during growth check ups at the health centers at least for children younger than 4years, where children are physically checked to see whether they are growing well.

I-J and her grandparents. (Late grandmother. )

However, since the pandemic all these check up have been transferred to calls. The doctor called me last week to check on how Amirah was doing and of course she had to believe all I said about her development. She was not there to check her body, skin or even weigh her to confirm everything. From my voice and questions, she had to believe all was ok. This is not the case in most homes, as children are left to starve or eat very unhealthy food not because of lack of money but because the parents do not care or they are under the influence of drugs and making food is the last thing on their list.

At the same time, I am reminded of the children of most struggling families in Kenya and other countries, where the family can not afford more than one meal. The children therefore the kids rely on well wishers who pay for lunch at the schools so the kids can have at least one warm meal. All this is not possible right now with schools closed and the parents out of jobs, it is a sad state.

The lockdown in most countries might be #flatteningTheCurve but is causing a lot of other mental challnges. Those who were in isolation depressed, are now more deeper in the valley because no one can come and camp at their door until they open up. Everyone is trying to survive and take care of themselves. This weekend, and going forward , as we remember what God’s beloved son did for humanity, let us take on His example and love beyond our bubble or four walls. Let us love deeper , listen keenly, give generously, forgive graciously.

Philippians 2:3-4
“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”

Lastly, I would like to encourage those going through dark times, anxiety , depression, addictions , fear and every bondage that ties you up. I pray you get the strength to proactively find or get access to meaningful connections around you or from an online group. The devil is a liar and will try to victimize you and tell you stories and scenarios where you failed so you can feed on self pity. However, I want to encourage us to reach out to someone for connection. We are stronger together and when we all arise to help each other, great things happen. Each one of us has been given unique sets of gifts that we are to put on service for Gods kingdom work. It is not of us to keep un – used. I may not be available for visits but if you send me a prayer request or just a simple ” Nelly, I am struggling”, I will reach out to you and we will pray together.

Romans 12:5
“So we, being many, are one body in Christ, and individually members of one another.”

1 Corinthians 12:12
“For as the body is one and has many members, but all the members of that one body, being many are one body, so also is Christ.”

1 Corinthians 12:26
“And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it.”

Most importantly, after seeking ‘felllowship’, let us turn back from all fear and trust God by calling out to him as our father ~ He does hear us and wants to have a deeper connection with us. By letting fear rule, we are trying to be in control and thus fighting a battle that was already won thousands of years ago.

God knows we can not do it on our own and is therefore, waiting for an invitation. Will you invite him to walk with you? Would you let Him in? Remember, He is the one who was abandoned in darkness to die for you. He rose again in victory and chooses to leave the 99 to come and find you. Ooh, in the moments of my valley season, anxiety, pain, confusion and ‘doubt’, I want to be found by Him, don’t you?

“…God of salvation
You chased down my heart
Through all of my failure and pride
On a hill You created
The light of the world
Abandoned in darkness to die
And as You speak
A hundred billion failures disappear
Where You lost Your life so I could find it here
If You left the grave behind You so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You’ve done
Every part designed in a work of art called love
If You gladly chose surrender so will I
I can see Your heart
Eight billion different ways
Every precious one
A child You died to save
If You gave Your life to love them so will I
Like You would again a hundred billion times
But what measure could amount to Your desire
You’re the One who never leaves the one behind….” #SoWillI.

Matthew 11:28
“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

John 15:15
No longer do I call you servants, for the servant doesn’t know what his lord does. But I have called you friends, for everything that I heard from my Father, I have made known to you.

Psalm 139:7-10
“Where can I go from Your Spirit?Or where can I flee from Your presence?If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me.”

Let us wash our faces and celebrate the one who lost His life so you and I could find it.

Lots of love,
Mama Faith, Hope and Love.

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Emotions Faith over Fear Family Life & Marriage

My siblings and their birth stories : How is I-J doing?

September 10, 2019

” I do not want this baby…..!” How many more days still? ” Mom, I am so happy with her” ” I am so happy she is here, she makes me so happy” , ” so happy you are here, we love you“.

These are some of the questions and statements from IJ the last months.
Most children get excited about them getting a new sibling, someone to care for, play and also tease in love. What happens when that desire gets crashed several times due to a miscarriage, stillbirth or other fertility issues?

When we found out we were pregnant with Olivia, we shared the news with IJ almost immediately. She was the first one to know, which means almost everyone knew from then onwards she was like a radio station.

We were excited and so was she. She started making plans; sorting her old toys and selecting those fit for the baby, she thought of names and was counting days.

So, when we shared the bad news to her again that she now had an angel sister, her dreams were shuttered. She sat there watching her angel sister’s pictures with sadness but also curious to know what really happened.

IJ cries easily but I have never seen so much sadness in the eyes of a six year old like I did last August. I have written about her reaction in an earlier post. She went all ‘David’ on us – lamenting how God gave and took away.

After going through this and the occasional outbursts of sadness from her, you can imagine the dilemma we were in when we found out we were pregnant three months after Olivia’s birth. I have always announced we are expecting at 12 weeks like most people.

However, the thought of this last pregnancy took a long time to ‘grow’ on me. I usually tell my younger sister even before my husband , so we share tips, then my mom and the rest of the family and friends.

So I shared the news with my sister immediately after finding out but for weeks didn’t share with my mom, IJ nor family. It’s like I was afraid to break their hearts again.

After some discussion with my husband, I realized I have been advocating for not living in fear and here I was being anxious. In those moments, I remembered the verse that I had written on my scripture blackboard hanging in the living room –
2 Corinthians 4:18 NIV – So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

I had to fix my eyes on Jesus. Even though I had faith , I was like Peter in – Matthew 14 : 25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

My ‘eyes’ were fixated on past birth experience gone bad, loses, broken hearts and the things I had seen. I needed to fully trust with conviction, the one who finishes what He started in His on way and the one who works behind the scenes but still reveals His work to His children.

I needed to fully put my trust in the ‘unseen’ the ‘spiritual’ which is His promises. Luke 1:45 “Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!” is powerful scripture that has been guiding my heart against doubt ever since. I needed to walk in the confidence that, I fully believe that my God will fulfill his spoken promises to me. In His own way.

As much as it saddens me, I truly believe that through Olivia’s birth, God is fulfilling his promise in some way. It’s my prayer that He continues to reveal how my broken heart was a part of His plan from the very beginning.

I finally shared the news with my mom almost halfway through the pregnancy as well as with IJ. IJ was overjoyed and said ” I told you, you were having another baby!!” This is because, the previous week, she had noticed my bump ( not that I had one , it was just the pregnancy weight I had not fully lost which she kept on saying “mom, are you having a baby”. {Side note: She has started saying this again to me 9 weeks postpartum , am like “IJ, that’s just baby’s water still in my tummy”}.

After her 1st reaction, she exclaimed, ” I do not want this baby!! That got me so good. I was still filming her reaction from the announcement then I had to stop. I asked , “why don’t you want the baby?”
IJ : ” because God will take again, just like he did with Olivia, he gave then He took again”.

She said this and walked away from me.
My heart sunk and right there I realized, all along, I wasn’t doubting God’s mercy in seeing me through this pregnancy , I was afraid of my baby’s reaction and how I was going to reassure her especially when I don’t hold the future. So, I told her the truth of how I know it. I then followed her, held her hands and reassured her from the view of a daughter of the most high who holds the future.

Image by Nelly ~ I-J meeting her sister (siblings and their birth)

Me: ” ooh IJ, offcourse you want this baby, I know you are scared but remember what we say about fear?”
IJ : “…yes, he’s a liar”.
Me: ” yes, and fear wants to take away your joy of being a big sister again, God is merciful and gracious and will always be with mummy”.
IJ: ” what is gracious”
Me : ” being valued and shown favour”
IJ : “what is favour?”
Me : ” when God shows us goodness even when we don’t deserve it, so let’s continue to pray that God will make mummy’s body strong for this baby.”
IJ: ” but we also prayed last time mummy”
Me : ” yes, IJ and God answers in His way”

That conversation ended with laughter because she then changed the subject to something totally unrelated .
She has done this so often. One minute we are driving or having dinner, then she goes. ” If Olivia is in heaven and her body is here in the world, how did she go up to heaven”?

Then you start explaining about our spirits and earthly bodies, and just when you are into it and even getting emotional since it’s still hard, she changes the subject or says ” yeah, I know”. I guess kids have a small attention span and only take what they can digest and not our PHD explanations .

So, ever since that day, IJ has been counting days. She started from about 150 days, which seemed like forever. The final weeks were exciting for her since she knew her sister was coming right before her birthday and before summer break so she could share the news with her friends.

IJ has done better at expressing her feelings more than me. You might remember my post about feelings and how I wondered what those were. I was brought up in an environment where there’s no time to feel but act , move and carry on. She has her moments where sadness kicks in and she says how she wished her sister Olivia was here.

This sadness increased also after her best friend – her grandmother passed away this past April. The feeling just hits her, doesn’t matter what we were talking about or where we were. I promised myself, that in those moments, when she asks about Olivia or cries out of the blues, I will stop whatever I am doing, and listen to her, because, I think, this has been her way of grieving and coping with the loss.

A few weeks ago, we just came home and just opened the door when she starts crying. Only to ask her and she says ” am very sad that Oma (grandma) and Olivia are not here. It took her papa to calm her down because I was not in a position to be of comfort to her as she had just opened up a well of emotions. .

In the beginning, she was angry and asked alot of questions about dying, heaven, spirit, God’s way of working and so on. Now, one year later, her anger has grown and transitioned to pride. Even though, she has her moments like the rest of us, she talks of Olivia with pride, always includes her in family drawings. She even tells her younger sister about her. ” I am big sister IJ and you have another sister called Olivia, you are the baby and we love you”.

We are so thankful of the young girl she’s growing into, so responsible, full of faith and loving.

All through my pregnancy, after she knew, she treated me with extra kindness. Asking whether my “body ” was now better. ( Because before, we had talked of and prayed for my body after Olivia’s birth).

I believe in my heart strongly that IJ had to be the big sister in our birth stories. Just like her name – faith, she’s been a reminder for us to hold on to Christ our solid rock even when we cannot see the things once spoken of or promised . We just need to believe that the dark night will pass and the morning sun will rise again.

I shared this before, the week Olivia was born, IJ was attending the VBS (Vacation Bible School) and she would come home each evening with memory verses they had learned . In the middle of her questions, anger and grief, she danced away joyfully to the songs of praise they had learned.

With tears in my eyes watching her, I thought “what a timely word of encouragement she was to our grieving hearts”. As she danced away while giggling, I paused to be grateful for the great blessing such as family in my life and most specifically the enormous comfort my then almost 6 year old daughter brought and stills brings to us.

In that same moment, my heart broke for the many women and families who are grieving like myself but lack the sweet comfort and sweet craziness of their own healthy child.

With our family dynamic now, everything revolves around the new baby and almost simultaneously, our angel Olivia. We can’t talk of this baby and not mention Olivia and that’s just how it is. Therefore, this baby will grow up knowing that she’s a rainbow baby who came after a loss. Not to replace her sibling in anyway but she was loved in her own way, way in advance.

So now IJ is stuck between these two attention babies. With everyone visiting and talking about the new baby and with everyone honouring her sister Olivia. Where is she in all of this,? Forgotten? Not in any way, she will now always be the big sister to an angel sister and a rainbow sister.

I pray that in the midst of the numerous dirty diapers and unending laundry or dishes, I will pause , hold her hand and tell her that she is loved, always has been and is our gate keeper. I also pray that I will not take for granted her enormous strength at only the age of 7, but I want be keen and notice her emotions and feelings so that, I am constantly there for her.
Love you IJ and thank you for taking care of all of us.

Thank you all for the support.
Will introduce our rainbow baby next.

Lots of love.
Mama Faith, Hope and Love.

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