My husband is teaching me how to play and rest. It’s not the best class to be in but I am doing my best.
“Dear God, please pray for mummy, that she will finish working in the kitchen and she can go and rest in bed”. This was part of I-J’s prayer a few weeks ago. I strongly believe that God speaks through people (children)around us. Her previous prayers have been ” help mummy finish work so she can play with me..”. This is because, I always keep on saying ” am almost done/ am coming, you start, I will join you/ ok, 5 minutes I will be there“.
Her prayer was timely because, that same week and more so the last 12 years , my husband’s repeated words to me have always been ” try to rest and do things for you”. “Learn to finally start saying yes to you and no to others and other things “.
I took his advice and planned some dinners out with girlfriends before the lock down. I remember coming back from one of them after four hours and he was like ” you were in that restaurant for 4 hours, did they not ask you to leave?!”. I said, “yes, we were there talking and didn’t stop laughing the whole time, looks like I need many of these to catch up”
About 8 weeks ago just before schools and daycares were closed, I took the last Friday of the carnaval break off. Plan was to go for a day trip somewhere, to just escape the uptight routines and enjoy our company.
However, my husband decided this momma deserves to have her time. Or let’s put it this way “let’s force her have time for herself” . So he texts me while I was still at work ” how about I take the kids with me for a sleep over at Opa so you can rest? but promise me that you will do nothing else other than focus on you, otherwise my mission here would have failed ” I was speechless.
He picked me up, with some take away ready so I didn’t have to prepare dinner that day, and after dropping me home, they took their over night bags and left.
After dinner, I was tempted to turn the house upside down especially now that I had the perfect time and nobody to distract me. However, I remembered what my husband said and I took myself to the couch, surrounded by the “weekly mess”, I controlled the urge to start sorting and clearing things , because once I started, I would not have stopped until I was done with everything.
I sent out emails, read some bit, watched a movie and even indulged in some unhealthy snacks without the tiny puppy eyes watching and asking “mama, what’s that”?. Its like they always know when you are eating something .
So, I have a confession to make, I don’t play and when I do, am constantly checking what needs to be done, how the paint needs to be cleaned off afterwards and that dinner I should get started on.
This past Saturday, like all Saturdays, I had spent the whole day, cleaning, laundry, meal prepping, updating kids wardrobes (changing the smaller clothes for current sizes- they outgrow their clothes too quick). After the last chore, about 6 pm, I finally took a shower and joined everyone downstairs. The 1st thing, I-J did was quickly ask ” are you done with everything or you still need to do something ? ” I responded, “no, am done”. She ran to me, hugged me tight and said “finally “!
For me, loving on them means, making sure, they have fitting and fresh clothes on their backs, nutritious meals in their tummies and a clean, comfortable house they can chill in and call home.
My love language is acts of service and giving. When it comes to giving and serving to show my love or care, I know no boundary. That’s why, when I spend the whole weekend planning and preparing my home for my King and princesses, and it means everything to me. I am then surprised when my husband stops me and asks “are you ok”? Just when am scrubbing the kitchen counter.
I would then respond ” yes, am okay, why, you ok”?. In my mind, am actually thinking, ” cant you see I am busy?” All of a sudden, I snap out of my mother goose bubble and realise, I had been ignoring the same people whom I claim to be showing love by doing and serving, while their love language is quality time, words of affirmation and physical touch and not really acts of service.
While I was busy running around the house doing stuff and ‘stepping on toes’ read (nagging about the socks next to the laundry basket and toys not picked up), my clan just wanted a reassurance once in a while that I really notice them even on that cleaning day.
Truth is, when I am in my weekend mama mode, I do not like to be disturbed especially when am deep in the scrubbing, I have my music very loud, once in a while I enter the room to complain about a sock I found or toy, then go back again.
I am learning, now whenever I am in my weekend modus, I make it my goal to ‘notice them’ , I will walk to my husband and ambush him with a tight hug, tell my daughter something lovely that’s music to her ears and then head back to my bubble.
I am learning that, when I serve out of love, and would appreciate the same, those around me may not be able to do that, since their love language may be different. Therefore, when my husband wants to go out for a walk on Saturday morning as a way to spend quality time with his love, I need to respect it and take it.
Instead of thinking like I have thought a few times already ” what is that walk gonna do to me, I would have use that time to iron that bag full of laundry or better, walking is not leisure to me, I walked miles and miles in the scorching sun to school”.
Forgetting that, each time we came back from those walks, even though I am not the one with physical touch or quality time love language, I would be the one reaching out to hold his hand because of how we talked and connected. I would appreciate this time because our weekly lives are roller coaster lives. I then thank him for being intentional about such things that are vital in our relationship.
I show my quality time by spending it on cooking those long prep meals instead of sitting in the garden together. My mistake is, I have always seen it as ‘waste of time’. I was very wrong about that for sure. For a long time, I would relate ” if you love me, do it like me”.
2 years ago, when I was mourning my daughter, I wanted to go back to work a week after being discharged from the hospital. My friends had to literally force themselves to come and offer me help. Because, when they asked for permission to help like ” what help do you need? I would respond with “we are okay “.
They knew better and literally planned out meals for us. Some showed up to clean and so on. I don’t judge those who ‘rest’ in the chaos, I just still don’t get it, but with my husband’s training, I will soon be the master of resting in the chaos.
The past 8 weeks of schools being out have been tough for everyone. I can’t even begin to imagine what families are going through out here. My husband has been working from home with the kids, I still go to work and try to come back earlier. But most of the times, it means, coming home to kids who are happy and satisfied and mama has to fill in the ‘nurturing gap’.
I immediately come in and before I am even at the door, my mind is racing to the 100 things I need to do. I walk in and of course the kids want to also play with mama. However, this mama, has got no time for that. At that moment, all is going in my head, is why I am the one ‘who does everything’ around here.
I forget to put myself in my husband’s shoes to even ask how he managed with the kids, was everything ok? All am thinking is ” why didn’t the kids eat any fruit/ you could have easily taken out the laundry / did those dishes when the little one was napping “.
The last 8 weeks have made me realize that, my children can do just well and also thrive even better with their papa. Mama doesn’t need to be there controlling and affirming on everything. Ooh, and I am definitely not the one doing everything, not even close.
It all starts with us mamas, we do not delegate or ask for help because, we feel like, when someone else does it, it wont be to our standards. So,what happens is , help is not offered because, since it will not be appreciated, there is no point of offering it. I remember I have come back home from some trips, and walked in to a neat home. My husband would say ” we tried to tidy up, but I know it’s not how you would do it”
If we want to stop ‘hating’ or resenting our husband’s or spouse’s behaviour, we need to shine light on the things they do so well and to those they do out of love and support for us. Or else, we would only see ourselves as the ‘saviours’ and that’s overwhelming for anyone.
All I know is that, I will still be the mom that plays or relaxes but her mind is spinning planning out the whole week or that food I need to defrost and my husband will still be the one that is all in when he plays or takes time to rest. He will be the one that pushes the coffee table and makes space to sit on the floor with his daughters or have both of them hanging on or pulling on his leg or back.
I would instead be the one who pulls a chair while they are on the floor, because I want to make it easy for me to head out to what I was previously doing. I don’t want to get ‘trapped’ or get too comfortable ‘playing ‘.
Growing up, we played outside with other kids, I don’t have memories of playing with adults – there was no time for this, they were busy fending for us kids. The last 2 years, I am more intentional in squeezing time to say more yesses to my kids and husband but also surprising them in taking the initiative to suggest play or quality time activities.
These are all my confessions, I have learned to smile now when I walk in and see my clan, the face of my happy yet exhausted husband from the day with the kids and still keeping up with his work. I smile now and remind myself to appreciate him for making life in quarantine and even before quarantine beautiful and childlike for the kids.
To be honest, the dishes in the sink do not bother him at all, so he will go ahead and make great 3 course dinners for us like he always does when he gets a chance and feed the kids but pile the dishes there and maybe forget to run the dish washer because to him, his whole attention is totally on being with the kids and giving us a great dinner.
I on the other hand, I make it my responsibility to make the usual quick and pocket friendly healthy meals that keep the family going. On those rare occasions, I will be ‘playing’ with the kids, mostly because I-J had asked 100 times, and while at it, 50% of my mind would already have planned the following days dinner, laid out their clothes and already figured out how that finger paint stain would come out of the dress she’s wearing, all this while playing with her.
I also don’t take time off for myself, which is something my husband has made me aware of several times. Between the 2 of us, he is the ‘rest master’. The house would be in chaos , in my eyes with no order but he would out of the blues say “I am going for a nap” my ‘OK’ response would instead in my heart read (how could you possibly go and peacefully nap right now!, did you see me resting all this while?).
I dont know what rest is, especially when things need to be done, I would rather finish everything until I am limping, then sit down. Instead of take breaks , reflect and come back even stronger. So, I would get mad at my husband because he went to rest. Its going to take some time but I am learning.
These days, I relax on the couch and everyone is asking whether I am ok. They are just not used to seeing me do this. I sit when I am feeding the baby, for along time, I ate lunch in the weekends while ironing or cleaning the kitchen.
It has taken being angry at my husband to become more intentional about taking time for myself. Its difficult but I am learning more about self care. When you google the word (s) ‘self care’, there’s a lot of activities revolving around the physical, spiritual, personal, psychological and professional life that one can do to take care promote a good self care.
I need to take care of myself. I grew up in a an environment where taking time to rest was seen as laziness. In high school at a boarding school, when we walked to class after a break time, instead of running , we were punished for wasting time. Time to ‘rest’ was at bed time. That’s the same thing I saw in my mom growing up. She never took a day off for herself, it was only at public holidays but even those were spent on the farm harvesting or planting.
So, when I don’t take time to sit back, anyone sitting back and relaxing or chilling around me, is not on my good side and is attacked. It has taken a lot and seen a lot of tension but I am doing better, knowing that I cant do it all alone. We are all in partnerships and the sooner we realize that help has been offered and is available to us, the better it will be for our relationships to flourish.
Instead of waiting to criticize how the onions were not cut in Julienne style for dinner, let’s appreciate that we can walk in and sit right at the table to eat nutritious meals, prepared out of love.
I have to accept that, even though my husband is teaching me how to rest in the chaos and mess, I can’t change the fact that, I am the mama who doesn’t fill guilty about not wanting to savour the moment when the sink is overflowing with dishes or floors that are crying for a scrub. I of course find my balance, and definitely have come to realise that having some order and less chaos ,sparks joy in me.
In the meantime, I will try and accept help and take moments to tell my husband, that he is doing an amazing job with the girls, and I appreciate all he does for us, because the difference is, when he does it, he is usually all in, savouring the moment and that’s what matters. I don’t think I would be sane if it was me working from home with the kids.
Are you asking for and accepting help/ saying yes to yourself more/ intentionally seeking and finding gratitude in the little things/ commending your partners for everything they do/ giving yourself permission to feel and freeing yourself from the mama guilt/ loving on your partners by showing them attention, connecting with them and trusting them?
Please do, and feel free to share your thoughts.
Mama Faith, Hope & Love.
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