” I do not want this baby…..!” How many more days still? ” Mom, I am so happy with her” ” I am so happy she is here, she makes me so happy” , ” so happy you are here, we love you“.
These are some of the questions and statements from IJ the last months.
Most children get excited about them getting a new sibling, someone to care for, play and also tease in love. What happens when that desire gets crashed several times due to a miscarriage, stillbirth or other fertility issues?
When we found out we were pregnant with Olivia, we shared the news with IJ almost immediately. She was the first one to know, which means almost everyone knew from then onwards she was like a radio station.
We were excited and so was she. She started making plans; sorting her old toys and selecting those fit for the baby, she thought of names and was counting days.
So, when we shared the bad news to her again that she now had an angel sister, her dreams were shuttered. She sat there watching her angel sister’s pictures with sadness but also curious to know what really happened.
IJ cries easily but I have never seen so much sadness in the eyes of a six year old like I did last August. I have written about her reaction in an earlier post. She went all ‘David’ on us – lamenting how God gave and took away.
After going through this and the occasional outbursts of sadness from her, you can imagine the dilemma we were in when we found out we were pregnant three months after Olivia’s birth. I have always announced we are expecting at 12 weeks like most people.
However, the thought of this last pregnancy took a long time to ‘grow’ on me. I usually tell my younger sister even before my husband , so we share tips, then my mom and the rest of the family and friends.
So I shared the news with my sister immediately after finding out but for weeks didn’t share with my mom, IJ nor family. It’s like I was afraid to break their hearts again.
After some discussion with my husband, I realized I have been advocating for not living in fear and here I was being anxious. In those moments, I remembered the verse that I had written on my scripture blackboard hanging in the living room –
2 Corinthians 4:18 NIV – So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
I had to fix my eyes on Jesus. Even though I had faith , I was like Peter in – Matthew 14 : 25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
29 “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
My ‘eyes’ were fixated on past birth experience gone bad, loses, broken hearts and the things I had seen. I needed to fully trust with conviction, the one who finishes what He started in His on way and the one who works behind the scenes but still reveals His work to His children.
I needed to fully put my trust in the ‘unseen’ the ‘spiritual’ which is His promises. Luke 1:45 “Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!” is powerful scripture that has been guiding my heart against doubt ever since. I needed to walk in the confidence that, I fully believe that my God will fulfill his spoken promises to me. In His own way.
As much as it saddens me, I truly believe that through Olivia’s birth, God is fulfilling his promise in some way. It’s my prayer that He continues to reveal how my broken heart was a part of His plan from the very beginning.
I finally shared the news with my mom almost halfway through the pregnancy as well as with IJ. IJ was overjoyed and said ” I told you, you were having another baby!!” This is because, the previous week, she had noticed my bump ( not that I had one , it was just the pregnancy weight I had not fully lost which she kept on saying “mom, are you having a baby”. {Side note: She has started saying this again to me 9 weeks postpartum , am like “IJ, that’s just baby’s water still in my tummy”}.
After her 1st reaction, she exclaimed, ” I do not want this baby!! That got me so good. I was still filming her reaction from the announcement then I had to stop. I asked , “why don’t you want the baby?”
IJ : ” because God will take again, just like he did with Olivia, he gave then He took again”.
She said this and walked away from me.
My heart sunk and right there I realized, all along, I wasn’t doubting God’s mercy in seeing me through this pregnancy , I was afraid of my baby’s reaction and how I was going to reassure her especially when I don’t hold the future. So, I told her the truth of how I know it. I then followed her, held her hands and reassured her from the view of a daughter of the most high who holds the future.
Me: ” ooh IJ, offcourse you want this baby, I know you are scared but remember what we say about fear?”
IJ : “…yes, he’s a liar”.
Me: ” yes, and fear wants to take away your joy of being a big sister again, God is merciful and gracious and will always be with mummy”.
IJ: ” what is gracious”
Me : ” being valued and shown favour”
IJ : “what is favour?”
Me : ” when God shows us goodness even when we don’t deserve it, so let’s continue to pray that God will make mummy’s body strong for this baby.”
IJ: ” but we also prayed last time mummy”
Me : ” yes, IJ and God answers in His way”
That conversation ended with laughter because she then changed the subject to something totally unrelated .
She has done this so often. One minute we are driving or having dinner, then she goes. ” If Olivia is in heaven and her body is here in the world, how did she go up to heaven”?
Then you start explaining about our spirits and earthly bodies, and just when you are into it and even getting emotional since it’s still hard, she changes the subject or says ” yeah, I know”. I guess kids have a small attention span and only take what they can digest and not our PHD explanations .
So, ever since that day, IJ has been counting days. She started from about 150 days, which seemed like forever. The final weeks were exciting for her since she knew her sister was coming right before her birthday and before summer break so she could share the news with her friends.
IJ has done better at expressing her feelings more than me. You might remember my post about feelings and how I wondered what those were. I was brought up in an environment where there’s no time to feel but act , move and carry on. She has her moments where sadness kicks in and she says how she wished her sister Olivia was here.
This sadness increased also after her best friend – her grandmother passed away this past April. The feeling just hits her, doesn’t matter what we were talking about or where we were. I promised myself, that in those moments, when she asks about Olivia or cries out of the blues, I will stop whatever I am doing, and listen to her, because, I think, this has been her way of grieving and coping with the loss.
A few weeks ago, we just came home and just opened the door when she starts crying. Only to ask her and she says ” am very sad that Oma (grandma) and Olivia are not here. It took her papa to calm her down because I was not in a position to be of comfort to her as she had just opened up a well of emotions. .
In the beginning, she was angry and asked alot of questions about dying, heaven, spirit, God’s way of working and so on. Now, one year later, her anger has grown and transitioned to pride. Even though, she has her moments like the rest of us, she talks of Olivia with pride, always includes her in family drawings. She even tells her younger sister about her. ” I am big sister IJ and you have another sister called Olivia, you are the baby and we love you”.
We are so thankful of the young girl she’s growing into, so responsible, full of faith and loving.
All through my pregnancy, after she knew, she treated me with extra kindness. Asking whether my “body ” was now better. ( Because before, we had talked of and prayed for my body after Olivia’s birth).
I believe in my heart strongly that IJ had to be the big sister in our birth stories. Just like her name – faith, she’s been a reminder for us to hold on to Christ our solid rock even when we cannot see the things once spoken of or promised . We just need to believe that the dark night will pass and the morning sun will rise again.
I shared this before, the week Olivia was born, IJ was attending the VBS (Vacation Bible School) and she would come home each evening with memory verses they had learned . In the middle of her questions, anger and grief, she danced away joyfully to the songs of praise they had learned.
With tears in my eyes watching her, I thought “what a timely word of encouragement she was to our grieving hearts”. As she danced away while giggling, I paused to be grateful for the great blessing such as family in my life and most specifically the enormous comfort my then almost 6 year old daughter brought and stills brings to us.
In that same moment, my heart broke for the many women and families who are grieving like myself but lack the sweet comfort and sweet craziness of their own healthy child.
With our family dynamic now, everything revolves around the new baby and almost simultaneously, our angel Olivia. We can’t talk of this baby and not mention Olivia and that’s just how it is. Therefore, this baby will grow up knowing that she’s a rainbow baby who came after a loss. Not to replace her sibling in anyway but she was loved in her own way, way in advance.
So now IJ is stuck between these two attention babies. With everyone visiting and talking about the new baby and with everyone honouring her sister Olivia. Where is she in all of this,? Forgotten? Not in any way, she will now always be the big sister to an angel sister and a rainbow sister.
I pray that in the midst of the numerous dirty diapers and unending laundry or dishes, I will pause , hold her hand and tell her that she is loved, always has been and is our gate keeper. I also pray that I will not take for granted her enormous strength at only the age of 7, but I want be keen and notice her emotions and feelings so that, I am constantly there for her.
Love you IJ and thank you for taking care of all of us.
Thank you all for the support.
Will introduce our rainbow baby next.
Lots of love.
Mama Faith, Hope and Love.
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