I am not a crier in real-life sad events but I am the same one that will get emotional over those emotional/happy endings in movies whether it’s from Disney or an action thriller. I can count the number of times I have actually cried (never did) and I mean the real outburst crying with loud noises ~ more like wailing this is excluding those outbursts that happen during prayer. Growing up, whenever we would get punished either by the teacher or parents the sentence that you heard repeatedly was “ stop crying now or I will give you a reason to cry.”
With such warnings as a child, you found yourself coping, enduring pain, and not showing any sign of weakness from canes and all other forms of punishment. It was more like a mental game, like the days you would ‘suck it up’ and not show any sign of feeling pain, the punisher would sense that you are in some way rude and implying that you are tougher than them ~ lack of respect.
I was never once given permission to feel my emotions or told to cry it out. Since then, when things shook my world, I found myself unconsciously suppressing my feelings/emotions. To me this was perfectly ok as I ended up successfully dealing with those issues. I would occasionally find myself silently sobbing with eyes filled in tears streaming down my cheeks.
You would have to look me in the eyes to see the pain and sometimes catch my mouth gasping for breath in the middle of the sobbing. I am more of a silent sobber. The first time I sobbed was when my dad passed 13 years ago, I only had tears streaming down my cheeks. The same for when my brother and sister passed on four and three years ago respectively, I sobbed dearly.
As you can see, I grieve in my heart and this explains why the only ‘flaw’ according to my husband is I don’t talk, that I keep ‘sad’ feelings to myself and don’t open up my ‘sad’ emotions. I have no problem in inviting you to my happy place but my sad place is only for me and am not sure if its healthy or not.To be honest, this is so embedded in me that it happens unconsciously.
My ship could be sinking but with confidence, I will tell you that everything is ok. This is because I want to save my ship my own way. I think the way I was brought up, made me suppress my weakness or vulnerability and that’s why I think I have never wailed as this is ‘undressing’ my heart right in front of others.
In August, I was admitted in the hospital for 12 days and each of those days, I sobbed in prayer on my bed and in the shower. Even in the shower where I was alone, I never wailed. I only sobbed in pain with tears streaming down my cheeks but found myself praying loudly. So when I say I cried ‘wailed’ this is huge.
This is especially because I come from a culture where if someone dies and he/she doesn’t come from a huge family or the clan wants to show how loved the person is, the community actually hires ‘wailers/mourners’. These are people who will be paid to cry at the funeral. They will put on quite a show and start willing even before entering the home. I notice that am slowly opening up and getting a front seat to what my emotions are and how they change. I am a totally different person now.
A few minutes after Olivia was born and we held her in our arms, my husband burst out and wailed. This was the first time I heard him wail or saw so much hurt in him and this made me really sad. You see, when it comes to feeling the pain of others, I could get a crown for it.
When my turn came to hold Olivia, I only had tears rolling down my cheeks uncontrollably and my lips trembling ~ I did not make any sound that day or on any of the other days that followed. The day I was discharged, we picked up IJ from a friend’s house and broke the news to her.
Even before we were finished talking, she burst out in tears and agony wailing, now we were all on the couch crying. Her next reaction reminded me of David and why he was God’s best friend. I-J started lamenting to God how he gave and now He has taken again. We told IJ it was OKAY TO CRY out loud as she felt and if she feels sad, she should show it.
The next days, I began thinking deeply about that night and about David and how he was so honest with God. He invited God in his chaotic emotions, his agony, anger, joy and his general feelings. I began asking God to take the lead of my emotions. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean sobbing silently or wailing loudly is better than the other. Each of us mourns/grieve or shows sadness differently. It is not something we wake up and decide, “ooh today am going to sob or wail”.
Back to my wailing and praying milestone. I love to pray, both loudly or silently but to be honest, since the prayer my husband and I did at the hospital when I was discharged (5 weeks ago), I haven’t actually ‘officially’ prayed. I have done the usual ‘ 123/ popcorn/ flash/ arrow prayers’ which made me kind of catch up with God.
Where I just start talking to him randomly then stop and not give Him time to respond. Nothing wrong with such talks, I do this so often even on my bike, as prayer is any communicating with God but effective communication is when you allow both parties to respond to the conversation. So the other night, (Sunday night) as I lay in my bed trying so hard to fall asleep.
I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me that the next day (Monday) was the day I get to ’real pray’ and re-start the prayer journey and not the usual sporadic ‘popcorn’ prayers I have done for the last 5 weeks since Olivia’s birth. The ‘popcorn’ prayers will continue to supplement the ‘real’ praying’ and in no way substitute it.
I usually have such strong convictions and confirmations with things I need to do or decisions I need to take and I always know I have His Spirit and grace to back me up and it’s in no way my might to do the things He has nudged me. So when I woke up yesterday and kissed my clan off to school and work, I knew the time had come to fall on my face.
I locked the doors, turned my phone on silent, put on some worship songs, knelt on my floor, waited on God, and invited the Holy Spirit to come like a rushing wind and fill my house with His presence just like in the day of Pentecost. Within moments, I was wailing and bawling my eyes out, I cried so loud I could hear myself out because of the pain in my heart, and then I prayed. I felt like I was right inside God’s heart that is so full of love and it was a beautiful moment.
The wailing was separate and in no way connected to prayer as I have always wailed in prayer severally. This was me being vulnerable, inviting God to the front seat of my emotions and then praying afterwards. I felt so energetic afterwards that I made dinner for my clan ~ I had not cooked in forever thanks to the ‘meal-train’ from our church.
I will share what I cried and also prayed about when the time is right but for now, I am glad I got to ‘wail’. I do not know if I will wail again or if this was a one-time experience but for now, I cherish the wailing.
Love always
Nelly.
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