As a single mother of four I wanted to invite you into my journey to shed some light on some of the challenges I have faced as a single mother, and to encourage us as I write from a place of strength but also to make everyone aware of how they may have wrongfully judged single parents who are just trying to make ends meet in a clean way.
My story is long but I want to share in bits the journey of raising children single-handedly especially in a community that regards single mums as lesser beings.
When the world gives you lemons word has it that you should make lemonade out of it and well the process of making lemonade for a single mom may be next to impossible. Facing the world around me sometimes can be so depressing as I can’t control what society thinks of me. I can’t have male friends and peace in the same basket.
My job as a designer for both male and female attires has made me work on projects for couples and delivered good results because I am passionate about what I do. However, in many instances, I have later lost clients the moment they realized that I am a single mom.
Work goes perfectly well and even during fitting you see the husbands openly appreciating my work but the next thing I hear is they are no longer interested and it is usually the women (wives) calling or texting to cancel. It is like they start feeling insecure and threatened. I feel like it is also how society perceives single mothers, it’s like if you succeed or are doing well and have no husband, people assume you are probably being helped by a certain man and he is probably married.
The society does not categories us as victors or people who can stand on their own. It is like we need man to be our anchor. On many occasions I have had to ask God where does that leave me? because to me, He is my only refuge, He has picked me up from a messy miry clay and set my feet upon a rock and if my work and results is seen as an opportunity to break marriages, my heart turns to Him for assurance that I can still hold my head high and use my gift to fend for my children.
On one instance, I remember someone commented on a friends photo how his shirt was was nicely done and my friend who had seen the post , knowing my work, tagged me. For me, seeing my work being loved and appreciated was something really motivating especially coming from the humble beginings where I was struggling to fully accept and walk in the abundance that I am gifted.
So I immediately connected with the guy and ended up having a business date. After the appointment for fitting and deciding designs, fabric, and all that stuff, I made him the first shirt and he loved it so much that he started placing orders of 4 shirts each month. He seemed to be a busy guy, so every time I was done, he just requested I post/deliver the shirts wherever he was.
I did this faithfully until his wife called me one time. To my surprise, she had been discussing me with a relative of mine with whom they were friends and their plan was to attack me and they actually did this, saying all manner of things and calling me names.
I have seen this a lot in my circle of single mothers in businesses that involve them be of service to men whether married or not. It is very difficult to convince other people that one can be single at an age like mine and still be a virtuous woman. That you can have male friends in your circle as a single mom and still maintain respect.
The wives harshly judge and put me in a box labeled “ husband snatcher’ just because I am single. I can not blame those who have been hurt because of single business women who instead of offering professional services, they instead went ahead and made advances on the client’s husbands.
However, it is wrong to judge and talk ill about single mothers who are struggling and working hard to get clean business deals so they can make a living. In most cases, even when it was the only project at hand, I decided to save my name and I chose myself. I always choose and love myself. God has been faithful to always come through for me and my children in such moments when I had to let a project go.
Jeremiah 147:3 is clear that he heals the broken-hearted and binds their wounds. This has always been my encouragement word from the bible. No matter how much people hurt me out there, no matter what they say about me, there is that person who heals my broken heart. I pray that my heart and those of any other person going through this will be strongly rooted in Christ, so we can only believe His voice of truth and not easily be broken but what society says or judges.
My faith and knowing my identity in Christ has made me let those clients go in peace without fighting back, even if it meant seeing my children’s school fees walk out in my eyes. It is always interesting that after I have gone at lengths to refer them to other designers, they always end up coming back to me out of disappointments.
I thank God because it is clear that what He brings my way, no matter what society thinks, remains my portion of His providence in my life. He continues to look out for me in the midst of the noises and misjudgments. Therefore, I will not be discouraged by what someone else thinks of me. I will not give up on my talent for mere talk and noise made to distract me from walking my journey and using my talent to bless others.
In the middle of all these, through Christ’s strength and grace, I have also learned to come home with my head lifted up no matter what stigma comes with being single. As single parents especially mothers, we still have a long way to go. As God fights the noises for us, let us learn to mind our own business, seek His wisdom, discernment and clarity on what assignments to take and those to pass. I have learned to be quick in listening rather than responding in anger. If I have to talk then I must be mindful of what I would say so it doesn’t hurt another person.
I have had to ask for God’s ‘green light’ when I sensed that a certain project would face objection, He has always come through for me, sometimes I do not even need to turn them down, they just all of a sudden give an excuse that something came up ~ it is just God’s way of clearing the path for me. As He sys in His word Isaiah 45:2 ‘.I will go before you And make the crooked places straight; I will break in pieces the gates of bronze And cut the bars of iron.’’
I just want to tell the married women and those who have fallen into this, I would like to just say to you my fellow women, single moms also deserve respect. Some of us are single by circumstances, be it death, divorce, separation, estranged husband, parenting outside of wed-lock, by choice or whatever the case may be.
In the beginning of my single parent journey, this bothered me a lot because I was dealing with a lot of other loads of baggage. However, today am more stronger than ever with my head lifted high because am a virtuous woman and I know who God says I am. We are not virtuous because of our actions. God knows I have had my own share of mistakes and falling short. However, God has made us virtuous because of the Holly Spirit living in our hearts, nudging us to show grace, love deeper, forgive graciously , accept forgiveness without shame or condemnation because we are not perfect but we push harder every single day making our lives worthy of the sacrifice that He gave for us. This is how we get our badges of virtuous women.
I daily seek God to have a clean virtuous badge, that He can see me worthy and call me ‘good and faithful servant’.
I lean on His promises and HIs voice of truth. So, to you mama who is just starting this journey and all your lady friends do not want to hung out with you when they are with their husbands or have cut you out of those previous house gatherings and brunches, know that it gets better and it might be a great time for you to start thanking God for them revealing their character as friends, because a friend would not do that. Learn to put your trust in God, He who started the good work in you (yes, even the heart ache that does not look good) will see it to completion. Hold on, He is there with you every step of the way.
To every single mom out there, your greatest inspiration on earth is your child/children, be the best for them, be positive for them, for every child is a plan of God and every heart break is a sweet music.
Remember, at every cock crow at dawn, please shake the bitterness off and get out there and do what you do best in everything you do especially, raising your children to be the best versions of themselves, as your kids are cheerleading for you even when it doesn’t feel like it. You are everything they have.
You may be single moms today but we all aspire to raise the best future wives and husbands in our children and no one is helping you out, the stigma is unbearable, the society scandalizes you but it’s all about us, how we deal with these lemons, becauseto be honest, our integrity is alwaysat stake.
We cannot stoop low to their level of ignorance /misinformation/ insecurity and mis-judging, instead we rise above that. Let us remember that we are special in God’s eyes and he has our backs. Open wide your ears to listen and not to fight back in hurtful words, all the obstacles in your path are just corner stones to build you up to greatness. Your greatest achievement is raising a great person. Never ever give up. Never ever be bitter, never ever fight back. God has your back. Just be a virtuous woman and Much love.
My prayer for those women blessed to be in relationships is, for them to look up to God upon whom our identity is founded upon. Your identity is not built on mortal beings but on the one who has called you to be like Him and to love others as you love yourself. In doing this, you will find assurance when fearful.
Much love,
Eva Oguna.
