Finding the ‘new’ normal while I wait ~ for healing’
Losing a baby at any gestation whether through miscarriage or stillbirth is a life-changing experience. The pain is unbearable and though it settles down, the sadness really doesn’t disappear. There is something about grief and sadness, one moment you are totally fine and then one petty thing makes your heartache and you feel like nothing will ever cure your sadness.
Such losses because of their intimate nature, cause the couple to mourn alone, and mostly it’s the women who go through the silent grieving moments and this is never talked about in public. This is even harder for those who miscarry even before they get to announce to the family that they were expecting.
How do they come to terms with sharing the devastating news especially when they just found out they are expecting it. Or for some, how do they find the courage to come back and tell people that they are no longer expecting just days after breaking the great news. For mamas like me, who meet friends and you try to explain the flat’ tummy but empty arms and empty cradle. Where do we start from?
How do we start a new normal? Especially when mother nature hits you hard. Waking up at night not because the newborn needs a diaper change but because you are hurting from the breast engorgement and you need a new ice pack and milk pad to stop the leakage. You have all the signs of a new mom but the physical pain you are going through does not make it worthwhile. You feel that it would be worth it if there was a baby next to you then all the pain you were going through would be justified.
To add more emotional pain, you come to terms with the fact that you will never get to nurse that baby, that you will wake up at night the first weeks postpartum not because they woke you up but because of your body hurting. I have had to come to terms with the fact that I will not experience any season of ‘’firsts’’ with Olivia Amali.
Never will watch her tag with daddy or tell her to eat her veggies. I always knew she would be a better eater than her older sister IJ but I guess we will never know and this is a hard reality I like most mamas will have to face.
Did you know that the hardest place to be is between what you have seen God do and what you are waiting for him to do? We are encouraged in His word to cling to his ‘unseen yet eternal promises’ 2 Cor 4;16-18
16 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” Just like the sun is absent in the night, His promises are revealed at the appointed time.
We only need to hold on to the hope that darkness which is the sadness and the pain, no matter how they seem to be winning, they can not extinguish the power of the light. John 1:5 “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” Where His presence is, there is light and His light breaks every yoke of fear and sadness.
We as His children ought to walk right into that freedom with the confidence that He is the God that moves all mountains in our lives and calls to existence promises that were unseen and did not exist before.
I would like to encourage you, that in the stormy days and cloudy days, you have never doubted the existence of the sun. Instead, we run the race and fix our eyes on Jesus trusting that the stars we see at night are a glimpse of what is coming in the morning ~ his joy and sunshine. So what do we hold on when darkness and sadness creeps in? we ought to cling to :
* Scripture : which is Gods’s truth and we can remind ourselves of His promises and what He said.
* Prayer; This is where we pour out the raw emotions to Christi and let him take control.’’Father, this is beyond me, take control of my emotions an give me with joy where there is hurt and sadness.
* Community : Find your tribe and allow yourself to soak in the love and care from those around you.
Friends who will sit with you in silence, pray with you, take walks with you and even confront you as the Spirit leads to asking how you are really feeling and also be ready to listen to your response if any. We are so grateful for our community both here and far. We have friends visiting from way out of town just to pray and talk for an hour and then have to travel back again.
What we need to cling to is His promises in His word and when sadness hits you, wait for God. Call out to Him …”God/ but you promised!!”
You Promised ~ Corey Voss
Everything is temporary
God, You’re never ending
Though it seems You sometimes hide
You rise in perfect time
Bread of heaven, Living Water
God of our salvation
Like a shepherd, You will lead us
To the other side
You are who You say You are
You are who You say You are
In this moment and forever, You will surely be
Everything You’ve ever promised
You promised
In this moment and forever, all sufficiency
Is who You are, it’s who You are
You promised
Through the valley to the mountain
Everywhere we go
Still, the clamor, fill the quiet
Peace be still, my soul
Peace be still, my soul!
The week Olivia was born, IJ was attending the VBS (Vacation Bible School) and she would come home each evening with memory verses they had learned. She danced away joyfully to the songs of praise they had learned. With tears in my eyes watching her, I thought “what a timely word of encouragement were they to our grieving hearts”.
As she danced away while giggling, I paused to be grateful for the great blessing such as family in my life and most specifically the enormous comfort my almost 6year old daughter brought and stills brings to us. In that same moment, my heart broke for the many women and families who are grieving like myself but lack the sweet comfort and sweet craziness of their own healthy child.
You might be reading this and wondering how do you grieve with a friend who has lost a baby. These are some of the support we have received and would like to share :
* Time and space to grieve
* Give them your time and presence ~ I loved when friends just showed up without appointments and said ‘’ Shall I sit with you?”
* Show up in whatever way you can ~ ring their bell, send something or card by post, a message and remember that your love , prayers and support are the most important.
* I remember, i had moments i was so numb and did not want to speak on the phone but appreciated messages or emails from friends who mentioned “Take your time to respond”
* Don’t stress to do anything big~ just be present in their pain and ask questions in wisdom 
;).
* Apart from sending cards, you can note down the monthly anniversary to send an encouraging message , remember the holiday season too ~ Christmas or mothers and fathers days. This is because , just like any child, milestones matter whether they are in heaven or here with us.
* Food- we have been so blessed by the ‘meal train organized by our local church. So, yes, send them a meal or if you are out of town you can organize a takeaway delivery from a restaurant.
* For some families, medical bills could be leading them to a financially stressful time. So, small financial gifts go along way.
* Child care for the other children. I remember, the first weeks postpartum, I couldn’t give IJ the attention she deserved, and having friends drop by to pick her up and bringing her back after she had had dinner was a huge blessing.
* Help at home like cleaning and laundry. I am a control freak in cleaning my house and I want to do it alone. However, in the last weeks, I had to allow myself to be helped in the house especially because the body needs to heal.
* Gifts to keep to help remember the baby. Does not have to be a major. I remember we got simple yet powerful gifts from friends. It could range from handmade items, tea, picture frame, flowers, prayer cards, plants, or even personalized jewelry.
* Books to encourage, journals and music. I have received music CDs and several links to encouraging songs in the past weeks.
* Offer to go for walks with them or something they love to do.
I would like to hear what else you could add to the list 
Love always,
Nelly.
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