To the mama coming home to an empty closet that was once full of baby clothes, you are loved and thought of IN ADVANCE. God sees the tears you’ve cried out as you emptied your angel’s nursery.
To the mama who hasn’t entered her angel’s baby room or her own bedroom since the passing of her baby or husband, you are not abnormal. You are in pain that is beyond this world’s understanding and God is and will give you rest and comfort that will bring you joy inconceivable.
To the mama who’s walking with her shoulders low, with a load to heavy that you’ve been carrying for so long, know that, you were loved IN ADVANCE.
To you mama who’s too exhausted to come out of the emotional drain you fell into, and everybody is saying” get over it”, you are loved and seen.
To the ‘mama’ who feels lonely, abandoned, unseen, ashamed, unworthy and unheard, to YOU, please know today and forever, you can walk in the confidence of at least knowing that you were loved, seen, known and heard, way IN ADVANCE before your existence and there’s a plan in place in God’s storyline because he knows your heart.
To the mama overwhelmed with her kids schedules and undone laundry. To you who sacrifices yourself but your kids are too young to appreciate or thank you for your efforts ~ you are enough and loved IN ADVANCE.
To the mama feeling she’s not enough because she’s too overwhelmed and hasn’t managed to serve her kids the Martha Stewart diners but only managed cereal on certain days~ you are appreciated and doing an amazing job because you love your children.
God has seen – Image by Nelly
To the mama crying herself to sleep because of loneliness, because of estranged children or waiting womb, you were loved and seen IN ADVANCE.
To the mama with the empty cradle, nest , God fore saw your yearning heart and see’s the numerous attempts at fertility to no avail. He sees your heart falling in despair but still sees, loves, knows and hears you.
To the mama falling in to debt, struggling to make ends meet and wondering where the next meal will come from, God saw this IN ADVANCE and wants to give you rest.God has heard the wordless groaning of your heart. Calling for breakthrough in your home’s and finances.
To the mama who doesn’t ‘feel’ beautiful because of the standards set by this world, may you know that your identity is in Him. He chooses you and calls you His own masterpiece and that’s what matters. Lean on the things unseen because those are eternal.
IN ADVANCE, God knew about your broken heart and heartache. He is not surprised of the fear that engulfs your mustard faith and causes you to be weary wondering where He is when you most need him.
IN ADVANCE, God knew the loss, despair and pain that has befallen you. He knows your broken heart and how hard it is for you to love again. As hard as it is to understand, your broken heart is a part of His storyline but in His storyline, mourning is temporary and joy in abundance is your portion.
To the mama who hasn’t drawn her curtains the whole week or left her house for a long time and her head has been burried in her pillow, soaked in her tears, God sees, hears and knows what it is to be lonely and rejected. But, He calls you His beloved and chooses you.
To the mama who feels like she’s always the last one on people’s hearts or minds and lists, God chooses you 1st. If it was only you, He would still die for you alone. To you mama, serving people in the open and also behind the scenes and feeling overwhelmed, God is your reward.
He has the whole storyline in mind and has already seen how the story ends. So nothing is ever a miss or last choice. Everything fits in His perfect plan and doesn’t take him by surprise.
To you mama suffering in silence, I say ” Just be held” and ” let go” by letting down all your anxiety, worries and stress at His feet because God has seen it all, the struggles to make everything work, your hard work, you being taken for granted, you being the talk of town and ashamed because of the infertility, failed marriage, ‘misbehaving’ kids or failed job.
Just as He created a solution to save mankind before hand, by providing his son, way IN ADVANCE to be a sacrificial Victor, He is working behind the scenes to bring you victory and healing.
To you mama, rest in His love. Lots of love. Mama Faith Hope and Love.
To the ‘mama’ who feels lonely, abandoned, unseen, ashamed, unworthy and unheard. Please know today and forever, you can walk in the confidence of at least knowing that you were loved, seen, known and heard, way IN ADVANCE before your existence and there’s a plan in place in God’s story line because he knows your heart.
To the mama who doesn’t know whether to add her angel baby when asked whether she has kids or not or how many kids. To the mama overwhelmed with her kids schedules and undone laundry. To you who sacrifices yourself but your kids are too young to appreciate or thank you for your efforts ~ you are enough and loved IN ADVANCE……TO BE CONTINUED.
In Advance:
These last weeks, we’ve been going through a series of sermons at church, around the preposition ~IN. To see various ways we can participate in God’s work by being IN him.
So, being October when we reflect and empathize with those who have suffered child loss, I wanted to encourage someone through this message because I related so much to it and it blessed my aching heart, that immediately I heard it, I knew I wanted God to use me to write something along those lines.
God is all powerful and he’s not surprised by any of life seasons or events that come our way. He knows us and knew us before we were created, God prepared somethings for us IN ADVANCE for us to walk into or choose to follow.
A question to ask would be “Do you know why you are in the season you are in at this very moment. ? Yes, even your heartbreak.
Our pastor used the example of the Marvel movies, how there are so many of them but all of them are connected with regards to the story line in the comic universe. You don’t really have to watch all of them to understand the story.
On the other hand, It’s ironic that even while we get to watch such movies, and commend the directors or writers of how good of a plan they had about the content, because the storyline fits so well, we still fail to see how God also had a plan when creating this universe and us. We see things happening as accidents. We forget that, He has been working IN ADVANCE , to set things into motion.
God’s word is much more than those movies, full of various authors but with an incorporated and intertwined storyline. He had a plan and knew the direction our lives was going to be taking all along.
Our best example is Jesus Christ, in John 17:24 he says “…..because you loved me before the creation of the world”. Colossians 1:26~ the mystery that was hidden for ages has now been revealed to us his children , and the glorious riches of this mystery, which is = Christ IN YOU, the hope of glory. That means, there’s been hope all along to get us to victory even when it doesn’t seem so.
*In John 17:24, Jesus knew He was loved IN ADVANCE. From the very beginning and it’s a part of his identity and nothing can take that away from him. Whether the world rejected him, persecuted him, didn’t see him as worthy, he knew he was the beloved. All other things didn’t matter to him.
I hope we find out how loved and thought of we are and go with that, letting that knowledge guide our lives and all seasons we are in. May that knowledge of our identity, remind us, in the moments society doesn’t count you as a mother when you are a mother to many angel babies that no one knew of.
Loved In Advance
IN ADVANCE, God knew he wanted to create the world, he had a plan to do that, it wasn’t a last thought. He wanted to create a people who would know him and be in communication with him. That means you and I. He also knew, that human nature would cause us to disconnect from him. So IN ADVANCE, he sent Jesus to be the sacrificial lamb (read Victor) to be the one to reconnect us back to God without judgement.
In Jesus, we have new mercies,(Eph 2:4,5, 2cor 8:9) which he has prepared IN ADVANCE for us. God went ahead to create a solution to a problem he had fore seen.
His final request is asking us whether we choose to ENTER IN, in his rest accepting that we can’t do it all alone. The challenges and standards set by the world may cause us to disconnect and bring disbelief or anxiety in His promises. Even this, He had foreseen, what matters now is, do we choose to ENTER IN by obeying and believing that where we are and the seasons we are in, fitted into his storyline way before we were formed and that you are enough and thought of.
I pray that we would let down all weight that burdens us and choose to ENTER IN to what God has prepared IN ADVANCE for us.
****For we are God’s masterpiece. God’s whole plan from the beginning, after seeing that what he created was good, was for us to be connected through Christ to return to that point before humanity disconnected from him and all everything was still good.
You are the daughter of the most high King. Know that, the Sovereign one who created the universe also created you in His image and is mindful of you.
God has something in mind for you, he has good works for you that he has prepared IN ADVANCE for you to participate in. He has already prepared good works for us to do (like serving and caring for your little ones) so that we can walk into the rewards he has prepared for us IN ADVANCE from the foundations of the world.
Accepting his rest is to accept his work. He loves you and has a good plan for your life. No matter how often this has been said, it is true, because He really has been and always has a purpose for your life. So rest in the assurance that you were thought of , loved IN ADVANCE and nothing you do or come short of achieving will ever separate you from his ‘IN ADVANCE’ love.
Olivia’s passing was tragic and traumatizing and it changed me and how I view or even live my life completely. Joan Didion notes, “When we mourn our losses we also mourn, for better or for worse, ourselves. As we were. As we are no longer. As we will one day not be at all.”
Before this experience, I can vouch how I would always be the one taking the initiative of checking in on friends and family by either calling, texting or inviting them to dinner etc. However after August 6th, I literally went undercover, and those who knew knew.
I ‘hid’ myself from everyone as I wanted to process this alone and finally give myself some attention. I mean, that’s how I was brought up – bundle up feelings and deal with them yourself and not telling anyone how you really are feeling or rather doing.
My husband always emphasizes how I need to stop for once and at least think about myself, as am always pouring out and never saying no – always jumping at every opportunity to be there for people. Well, one can not pour from an empty cup.
Without realising or with the intention to, I had reached that empty point. I guess I took his advice and became ‘selfish’. Which I shouldn’t continue to apologize for as it was justified – I was struggling even with vital tasks like eating, sleeping or even loving on my family.
I longed for time to either rewind so that the doctors could figure out something that could save Olivia. I longed to fast forward time so that the unbearable sadness would be endurable.
Nevertheless, I am so grateful for friends and family both near and far who continued to check on me and those who took the role of ‘stalking’ and wrote simple messages like ‘ am praying for you’ and so on.
Anyway, today marks Olivia’s 1st heavenly birthday and it also signifies that I have survived one year without her and we as a family have also grown in how we talk about her ~with less anger and sadness but with so much pride and gratitude that she gets to be part of our lives. We took a family trip out of town just to get away and have a change of scenery. Am sitting here on the balcony at 4am wondering what to write but the coming morning makes me realize what to think about.
It doesn’t always stay like this, as we occasionally have those moments of re-emerging sadness or where IJ starts to cry out of the blues only for us to ask her what’s wrong and she says ” I wish that Olivia and Oma were alive , I miss them, why did they have to die”. It doesn’t matter how hopeful, full of faith or happy I woke up that day, but such statements from her, paralyze me.
How does a 6 year old, bear such grief already at her age. I will write about how IJ has dealt with all this till now at a different post, but all in all , she has done really well. Actually better than me in how she channels her emotions. She came from anger (even refusing the last pregnancy to now pride of being a big sister to 2 other siblings. She gets to include Olivia in all drawings she makes).
One may think, why is Nelly still talking about grief? Is she not over it yet? Like please!!! Enough already, we are also grieving!! Yes! You are right, but the experience is part of me and what has made me today. Though I write about my grief, am thankful that I am not engulfed by it and that I live in the light and no longer in the darkness I was this time last year.
Anniversaries and Birthdays – Image by Nelly.
So how does grief look like one year later at the Ibis house?
Grief is painful and ugly and there will be days when you really wonder how and whether you are going to survive it. But one thing I have learned this past year is, if we open up and allow our hearts to feel every nitty gritty details of the grief while opening up to receive love from those around, progress will be evident, healing will come and hopefully one day we can say ” it is well with our souls”.
It is important to create time and space to let the reality of death sink in our hearts and be reminded about our loved ones. We should not avoid the departed from our lives, like the world does. Where people think it’s ‘spooky’ to talk about them. I know for sure that talking about Olivia and adding her to conversations has really helped in my healing journey. The downside of avoiding bringing up the departed in our lives or conversatios, is that, the grief process and journey is messed up with since you are removing the constant out of the equation.
I also learned that we need our clans and tribes during these times. Friends who continuously checking in, visiting from far away, offering to support at home with cleaning and meal preparations etc. I remember talking about how our church family, friends and family have been a great source of support for us and they continue to be one year later.
The support is always so timely. It doesn’t mean forcing yourself to be with people, as grief is mostly a lonely journey but it just means that you will not feel alone in all these moments of grief.
Another thing, grief is exhausting and as life goes on, with having to go back to work or caring for the family etc. Life can still be confusing and you will find yourself always tired. Joan Didion puts it like this “..Grief is different. Grief has no distance. Grief comes in waves, paroxysms, sudden apprehensions that weaken the knees and blind the eyes and obliterate the dailiness of life.”
This is when you realise grief needs time and space. That’s why I am so grateful for the months I was able to stay home from work and just be! With no expectations other than just to get better to rejoin the ‘normal community’.
Finally, even in moments of darkness at night, we are promised of the coming morning/sunrise. With one challenge we face, there are still a ten thousand reasons to bless the Lord.
Therefore, I have learned to fully hold dear life’s joys. Through grief, I have learned not to take life’s mercies for granted and to cherish all moments shared with loved ones both near and far.
Last year on this day, I lost my baby, almost lost my life but came out victorious – with a fullfiled testimony of celebrating my birthday the next day, I am thankful for life and have come to realize that we humans like drama and complaining about petty issues. Which thankfully, my experience has made me outgrow all this.
To me, I will shamelessly put it this way, I absolutely do not care about those time wasting issues- we all know them. You will not find me chasing after meaningless things. I will no longer try to please people by saying yes to everything or fit in other people’s expectations. What I want more than anything, is to pray that my life is and I live aligns with God’s will and purpose.
Everything else falls short and life is too short focusing on them. Don’t get me wrong, pleasing people guided by our own selfish agenda is different from being called and led by the Holly Spirit to serve those we are called to. For this, I will continue to seek God’s guidance in leading me to have a balance in being both a Mary and a Martha. Where I can still soak in His presence and faithfully ‘leak’ by serving as his disciple in the areas He has called me.
To you who is dreading a loss anniversary, know that you are able to finally live above your grief and it not engulfing you the unhealthy way.
Know that, years later, you will still talk about grief, but in a different way and from a place of hope and peace. Know that, grief will always linger on and though it may drag you to that solitary place of darkness at the time when the loss happened, know that this will only be for a moment and you will see the morning again. Psalms 30: 5b “…weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning..”
Wishing you all a nice day. We are headed to celebrate Olivia as a family today.
The last few weeks, I have pushed myself to finalize most of the things to do regarding work and now am finally on maternity leave.
It’s getting real as now, my agenda is all about me and getting ready to meet this little princess and offcourse the usual turning my house upside down and scrubbing the walls .
I just realized, because I have been all over the place, my emotions have not had the chance to settle and now that am home, I am beginning to realise how emotional and what a milestone this time is for me.
With I-J, I had just graduated and immediately started my master degree 5days after she was born and with Olivia, I was mourning and not really on maternity leave. So, having four weeks to prepare before baby’s arrival and another 12 weeks to care for the baby is a blessing I cannot begin to grasp.
Last Tuesday, I went for my routine check up. The lead gynaecologist who did both of my cerclages and has been with me since that emergency last year, came out to call out my name from the waiting room.
Immediately she saw my face, you could see that, no matter how she tried with all the faces staring at the waiting room, she couldn’t hide her joy, I had not been scheduled with her for several weeks now because of her tight schedule.
I hurried to her, she embraced me and exclaimed, “ooh 35 weeks!!!” And I responded “yes!! We made it!”.
I love having appointments with her because I don’t have to come in and explain my story each time. She knows my story too well as well as the technical aspects of my body. Each time I talk with her, I can see how my story has impacted her as well.
Being a doctor, they ought to stand behind or be guided by facts, statistics and research. So in the middle of the storm last year, when they couldn’t rely on research telling me ” sorry, we have to go back to the national association of doctors to discuss your case as it’s unique and read more research”, I was on the other side of research, I was relying on my faith and standing on hope as the only sure promise I had from my heavenly father.
So, each time they walked in to give me bad news, I assured them that my baby’s name is Hope and my father isn’t surprised with what’s going on.
This doctor has seen me crying in fear on the operation table that night when I had arrived with bulging membranes and she held my hand tightly and said ” I am going to do my best to save your baby and keep her in”. She’s the same one who took out that same emergent cerclage after Olivia tried to burst through it.
On that day, we were both numb, she was called in, she looked right at me and shook her head almost to say ” how did we get here”. This is after I had seen her in my ward room an hour earlier and all looked good and we were hopeful that we would reach 24 weeks.
She’s the same one that was scheduled to see us at our last postpartum check and told us to wait for at least 3 months before trying again and said ” when you get pregnant, we will do a preventive cerclage at 12 weeks, then we have more room to work with”.
So at 8 weeks pregnant, I booked at appointment to see her and you could see the expression in her face. We talked about the cerclage and other restrictions since I was a high risk now. We talked about how this pregnancy was different but we will not forget the past experience.
At 12.5 weeks, she held my hand again as I cried again on the operation table, this time with the hope that my baby had a chance of not only passing 24 weeks but reaching full term. Those next 12 weeks leading up to 24 weeks were the hardest emotionally for me.
So, when she reaches out to embrace me instead of the standard doctor-patient handshake, I understand where we have come from. The last appointment I had with her was at 24 weeks which was such a huge milestone.
So, last week at that appointment, she set the date for removing the cerclage ~ next week Tuesday at 37 weeks. She said, bring your bags as this baby might just follow the cerclage and be born since the cerclage is the only thing holding your cervix right now..
So yes, we might meet this baby next week or she might be strong willed like her big sister IJ and come past due date . To be honest, I have actually been praying that she comes at 38weeks which is still considered full-term and some have found this shocking.
I remember, a few weeks ago, a friend was in her 32nd week of pregnancy and I said ” now the count has begun for you” and she became so defensive saying..” Noooo, no, still 8weeks to go”! Then I learned that we all have different stories and journeys. For her, a full term baby is born at 40weeks.
For me, I am coming from giving my everything and wishing there was something more I could do for Olivia to reach just 24 weeks so she could be given a chance, even if it meant NICU time. So any gestation after 24 weeks is bonus for me.
Faith Over Fear – Image by Nelly
We cannot judge people because of the experience they have or not gone through. It’s like me telling Kipchoge the Kenyan marathon record holder “ooh, that was wonderful, finishing at 2 hours, 2 secs”. Off course he will not be happy since his aim was to make it under 2 hours. The same for the racer Lewis Hamilton, every second counts. So it is with mamas who have never had preemies, all they know is full-term babies.
This journey keeps moulding and teaching me to be considerate of other people’s journeys and to continue sharing my story as my story might just become someone else’s survival guide.
I told my husband that am not sure whether my emotions are ready for birthing and how this time round it will be very different. I rely on faith over fear this time as my baby is called Love. What a constant reminder of what a friend wrote to me “that my heart is ready to love again” (~ “..1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear...”. More on that next week. For now, gotta pack that bag and iron the last bit of clothes I rewashed .
“God’s plan is to make known his secret to his people, this rich and glorious secret which he has for all peoples. And the secret is that Christ is in you, which means that you will share in the glory of God.Colossians 1:27 GNB OR, “For God wanted them to know that the riches and glory of Christ are for you Gentiles, too. And this is the secret: Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing his glory”.Colossians 1:27 NLT.
I didn’t plan to post anything today except a merry Christmas wish.
Well, its 4pm on Christmas day and I am laying on my couch with ‘clutter’ all around me. If you know me, you know I hate clutter and messy . My plan was to clear all this yesterday after our intimate Christmas Eve family dinner which is my hubby’s tradition. He prepares for us a 3 course lux meal#justChicken, not the usual beans we eat January to January .
Christ In Us
Anyway, am laying here and this verse which has been on my mind keeps coming back to me, so I decided to find it and read it again and from it, this is the encouragement I received and I hope it blesses you~from one former Gentile to another. Ooh so thankful for God’s grace.
In Colossians 1:27, simple points out that the secret is that Christ is already in me and you. That’s not all, with him in us, He is moving in to our hearts with all the hope of all the mysteries of all glorious things that are yet to come.
How will He do that? His word says that , He will accomplish the work he started in us. Meaning that, He is perfecting us till He returns for us and at that time, the full revelation of all that seems mysterious, will be revealed to us.
We are therefore still a work of art in His hands. Even though, we are His masterpiece, the work continues. The artist always continues perfecting their art until they are ready to showcase it~that’s how Christ is working on us.
Therefore, “Christ in you, the hope of glory” is a call of expectation. It’s a call, calling us to rise up from the comfort zones and urging us to look forward to the promise we have been assured of being perfect.
That hope of glory is what will fulfill all God’s promise of restoring us to Him. As Romans 8:19-24 puts it. ….”For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are. Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse.
But with eager hope, the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay. For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.
And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it…”
1Peter 5:10 “In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.”
Do you see how much we have received, with Christ in our hearts?
He is the one that was promised, the one we have waited for , for so long and the same one who is here now in our hearts giving us , through His Holly Spirit a glimpse of the glorious glory that is about to come. {..Rom 8:23…”.And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory”,….}
Therefore, I want to continue walking in this confidence, and I hope you do too.
Let’s walk in the knowing that Christ is perfecting us and when the time comes and having been conformed to His image, we will get to gaze the real glimpse of His face.
What a glorious day that would be! Hallelujah!!
Rejoice, the hope of glory is here and we nolonger have to wait for Him. The same Spirit that raised Him from the dead, lives in you!
Receive Him. Freely He comes knocking on your heart~please, let’s let Him in as He longs to go about this life with us. We don’t have to do it alone.
So, no matter how you are celebrating today, in low spirits , lonely or surrounded by family, let’s remember the big picture is that we have an assurance of the big inheritance and we are nolonger waiting for the one that was promised, He’s here now, let Him come in and give you that hope of glory that is full of life, riches beyond what our physical eyes can fathom.
This is a love letter to you, my Angel, on your due date. Now you already know how your mama would have referred to you. This is the same way I refer to your papa and your big sister I-J. Sometimes, I call out “Love,” and both your papa and sister come answering, then I have to say to one of them, “no, not you” ;).
Oooh, where do I start?
My heart is still so fresh with the events that shook our lives the days leading up to your demise. I still remember the overwhelming sadness that filled and pierced into my spirit. Since then, I have had to remind myself repeatedly that it is an unfortunate reality and not a dream.
I have always been numb to emotions, but since your passing, I have tried to allow myself to feel, and for the first time in my life, I have let my emotion guard down. This week has been especially hard with today being your due date, the holidays knocking, and me starting work full-time from this week.
I want to tell you that I prayed for you, and even though you had to go, we still love you. It is a bittersweet feeling that your going was a way to save your mama’s life. You are now in the arms of our father and know no pain. He loves you so much, and you are His masterpiece. All in all, it has been 16weeks now, and all of us are really just trying to find the new normal without you in it. The holidays are here, and everything we had pictured with you included has to be different now.
Papa was inspired by how life is short and that we need to do what we want to do right now and not tomorrow. So he has put off his job for one year and is back to school ~programming stuff; he has made IJ interested too. I’m not sure if you would be part of the coding gang, too, but I am sure he counted on it.
I-J is doing great and really adores you, she is always telling her friends about you, and none of her drawings ever misses you being in them. She always draws you like an angel or just your footprints. In the beginning, she was so upset when we broke the news to her that her little sister wasn’t coming home to her.
She still misses you. When she talks, you can see the sadness in her eyes, but she doesn’t dwell on it. Instead, she shows your pictures off to guests and talks about you with great pride.
After your birth and passing on the 6th, we spent some time with you in the hospital and made lovely pictures of us as a family~ I will always cherish these moments. On Tuesday the 7th, we left the hospital on my birthday and left you behind for a few days just until Friday when we would come to say our final goodbyes.
I remember going back to the maternity wardrooms, and memories of how everyone fought for you to stay in my womb a little longer became so vivid. I didn’t know how I would react going back to where it all happened and seeing you again. Papa and I spent some time with you; I said a small prayer when it was just you and I. I told you for the second time how sorry I was.
Seeing you again reminded me of the despair that had already hit my heart. Even in the despair, I had some peace knowing that you went to heaven so peacefully even though my body was under a storm. Instead of going home with you, we left with your blankets and had to leave you behind, this time forever.
We gave the hospital permission to give you a final sendoff with the other angels who never went home with their parents. We recently received a letter with the location we can visit, but we still have not done that. For us, your presence in our hearts is much stronger than the physical location.
Losing you strike me, I miss you, and I wish I had the opportunity to whisper in your ear again and tell you a secret like I always do with your sister. Only this time, I wish you would smile back after hearing the secret~ that “mummy loves you.” Your sister always responds, “Mom! that’s not a secret” :).
My love, there is so much more that I wanted to whisper and tell you, but I couldn’t find the words as my world shook. My dear Olivia Amali Ibis, I want you to know that you are loved, you will know no pain, Christ’s pure love surrounds you. I miss and think about you each day.
I imagine the nights I would have put you to bed, and you would have negotiated for more bedtime stories like your sister still does ;). Sometimes, my mind goes through a tug of war where I have many ‘what ifs.’ I am sorry that it was out of my control to keep you here; since we trust in the one who knows it all, we don’t have to pull out our hair.
We can trust in His faithful promises and walk in the confident trust that He has already given us all we need for this life ~ His son. I know God has greater plans for you as an angel and for us as a family, and we continue being his stewards until the day we meet again. Thank you for teaching me to value what is important. Please remind me to say more yes to fun and adventure with your papa and sister and enjoy life.
A love Letter To You My Angel On Your Due Date
Thank you for showing me what courage and vulnerability should look like. Thank you for the incredible memories that we were able to take with you, be it when you were in my tummy or the day you were born, and we got to spend some time with you.
These memories will last forever, and though I am sad for losing you, I am thankful that you were mine and will always be. I am thankful that your life, though small, has made an impact on my life. I pray that your story will continue to impact many, and our lives will be used by God to bring hope to those who hear your story ~our story.
I won’t hide the fact that our lives seem to be empty in the sadness and tears, and we miss your addition to making us a family of four. However, we thank God for His new mercies and grace that has helped us focus on life itself as a gift and what you have made us become.
I know we have all become different people since your birth, especially me. A part of me died the day you passed, but I pray that I will one day sing; it is well with my soul.
I pray that one day, I will tell you that everything is okay and that we have found our new normal. I know your papa and IJ have better than I. I guess it is legit that as your mama, I still feel this way. I carried you in my womb, and you were snatched away from my body without warning.
My body is empty without you, but my heart is full of your love. I know time will heal my heart, but nothing will ever take you out of your mama’s heart. That’s the special bond between a mom and her kids, both angels or living. Some days are deficient, and I suffer from within.
Sometimes when it is overwhelming, it comes out in petty tensions among us as a family. However, we are still learning to accommodate our new selves and always open up about our emotions~ I am still the culprit here.
In the hard times and good days, we are incredibly grateful for friends and family both near and far who have made these last weeks, especially November, a bit easier through texts, words of affirmation, encouragement, and prayers. Even in the sadness, I want to assure you that you were a gift to us, and you mattered.
You are precious, and we will miss seeing you growing up. We were ecstatic when we found out that we were expecting you, and we were all looking forward to officially meeting you when the time was right.
Thank you for the lessons your birth/passing has taught me. I am also thankful for the life lessons that you have taught me. I see life differently now and am learning each day to prioritize what needs to be prioritized and not focus on petty issues.
Though I have changed, I pray I have become or still in the process of becoming a better person, wife to papa, mama to your big sister, and a daughter of the highest King using my God-given talents and being Christ-like.
You have been the check meter that helps me continue looking up to God. In the moments I am low or feel like I need assurance from man, I know it’s my call to look up to God.
I don’t have to tell you again how loved you are and that you are God’s masterpiece. I am sure you know that already and are experiencing it better than I can tell you. You were a gift to us, and now God had to take you back to Himself, and we will find the new normal in that.
God has a plan for us, and this perfect plan will be revealed when we meet again and at His appointed time. I miss you love.
May you rest in peace and know that you will always have a special place in our hearts.
“I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD” (1 Samuel 27-28).
I broke down at church Sunday morning during prayer time. I was sad for a moment but I prayed that God would surround me with his Love, at that moment , I felt an overwhelming presence of the Holy Spirit around me. It was so strong that I could not stop the tears. The next reaction was me running outside to the toilet and screaming there. Not that I couldn’t do this in the sanctuary, but I felt this was just my moment and so I obeyed.
I didn’t see it coming but this month has been really hard on me, as its supposed to be the beginning of my maternity leave and Olivia’s due date is drawing near.
AUGUST 6TH: I woke up thankful for another day with my baby still inside me and was ready for the new day. There were no major chaos in the morning apart from little blood clots here and there but nothing to worry about. I mean, I came from ‘gushing ‘ active bleeding the previous day’s, so seeing only clots was a sign that no more active bleeding was taking place and it was just my body getting rid of old blood.
My birthday was the next day and some friends were coming to visit that afternoon and also to bring me some delicious carrot cake to ‘celebrate ‘ even though I was still in the hospital and it might have felt ‘wrong’ to celebrate.
That afternoon, a few minutes after our friends walked in and we exchanged pleasantries, I felt the urge to pee and this time, I felt that my body was giving me signs that things were not right. Instead of peeing, a huge clot the size of my palm fell in the toilet and I again screamed for my husband , who came rushing from the room to the toilet.
We pressed the ‘emergency bell’ and the nurse came rushing in as well. Deep in my heart, I was trying to calm myself that this was not active blood but just old blood. A few days prior to this day, the ‘placenta specialist’ had seen that a part of the placenta had separated from the main part and was to come out either earlier or during delivery. So, when that clot came, I was re-assuring myself that everything was going to be okay and that this was the ‘outlier’ placenta coming out.
The nurse did an ultrasound and Olivia was still as active as before, the nurse said that, if any bleeding starts or more clots came, I should call them. I went back to the bed and continued chatting with our friends. Within minutes, I realized that my body was giving me signs again that something awful was about to happen but I pushed that thought away and continued chatting ~ though struggling.
After about 5minutes, I decided to request for a heat pad for my lower back pain, this did not help. I felt the urge to pee again and a bigger clot followed, I re-assured myself that my body was ‘cleaning’ out the unwanted parts and leaving everything clean for Olivia. {Did you ever wonder how your scar heals itself and new skin forms? Our bodies have the power to self heal and that’s how the body gives us signs and warnings when things are not right}.
I returned to bed and this time, I could barely hold any conversation and ‘kicked my friends out’ (“ I am sorry but you have to leeeeeeeave”).
I have told this part to some before, I know that every woman experiences labour pain differently. For some its a one on the pain scale and for others its a ten, but for all of them, the pain falls in the ‘child birth labour pain scale’. The pain I felt in those minutes, were out of this world.!! I know I can take physical pain but this was beyond me and quite abnormal. My husband said later that, I was almost tearing the steel bed down.
Have you ever witnessed a dam when the water is being released? the amount of pressure from the water gushing out is immense. This is the same feeling I felt, but for me, the opening was closed tightly. So one part of my body ~the uterus was shut with a cerclage which was closing my cervix tight and keeping Olivia from being born early.
While the other part of my body was responding to mother nature’s call to give birth. My body could not hold off the labor anymore and there was nothing that could be done from preventing my body from going into labour mode. Except, the cerclage that was till in place! The cerclage was doing the job it was intended to do and was damn good at it, except this time, my life was depended on it.
What followed, was tug of war, where my body was ready to bring Olivia out, but the cerclage was holding tight like the dam closure creating an uproar in my uterus which would have taken my life if everything that followed took even just more seconds. My body had rejected the cerclage and was fighting it as a foreign body and this is what the doctors had been referring to, ‘me as a ticking time bomb’ with my life in danger, leave alone Olivia’s.
If there was no cerclage holding my cervix, Olivia would have come literally ‘gushing out’ of me from the pressure released inside of me, but now the cerclage was causing this abnormal and outrageous pain. I was in so much pain and was screaming that I just wanted to be free of the pain. Which at that time did not cross my mind that freeing me of this pain, meant Olivia being born earlier. There was nothing about her that was causing her to be born earlier but just my body failing me too soon.
All along since my admission, the doctors, had been hoping that I could reach viability , which is 24 weeks, the baseline which is when they would intervene. That Monday, we were 23 weeks and 1day and the doctors were planning to do the steroid shots the coming Friday, to prepare her lungs for delivery incase pre-term labor still came.
So, we were right in between the viability gestation. So close yet so far, which is so traumatizing and I kept asking myself “who decides such standards , especially when life is at stake?~ most agonizing decisions in medicine (article).
For me, I did not really read deep into the statistics of what the success rates of micro preemies meant, all I wanted was my baby here with me. I read stories of 22 weaker babies graduating from the NICU and other preemies now healthy teens with healthy lives. I was just desperate that we could get to 24 weeks and that’s why we had shifted our weekly goals to daily goals ~ we just had to reach Friday the 10th.
Through all the groaning and excruciating pain, all I remember is Eyup’s gentle hand holding onto mine and his voice softly calming me and reminding me to breathe. However, the pain was beyond any breathing rhythm and I continued to groan right through his calm assurance. Despite all this , he did not stop assuring me that all will be ok.
Back to the bed, the nurse was trying to wrap the ‘contraction monitor belt’ around me to check how far they were. At this time, my husband ‘snapped ‘ at her and said that at this moment, she can see that this was not necessary and I needed the doctor right away. I was then wheeled to the examination room. My husband was trying to recall that one minute rush to the examination room. He was so fast that he doesn’t remember the details. In the examination room, I couldn’t even get myself to sit on the chair. I managed to sit and within minutes, four doctors rushed rushed in the room.
I will not forget the look of one of the doctors, the same one who had just done the last ultrasound where everything was okay. its like she was saying to me ‘’ am so sorry, how did we even get here”.
I have always refused those ‘intimate’ gyn checks even when I was pregnant with IJ. I only unconsciously allowed it during the delivery and I remember it took me a long time to even undress in front of my husband. However, during this stay at the hospital, I became a master and all decency was thrown out of the window, all for my baby to survive.
Anyway, in the examination chair, there were about four doctors staring at me and checking what was happening. During this time, the pain had subsided and one of the doctors sitting right in front of my wide legs said “ I am going to have to break ‘the water” and puff, water came gushing out like the dam that was finally free.
Within minutes of doing that, she then said “ I can see her head, your beautiful daughter is born”. This sentence made us confused , was she alive ? why is she not crying? why did the doctor say your beautiful daughter is born?.The doctor then asked if we wanted to hold her and my husband’s reaction was NO!! which he later realized was him responding in shock.
The doctors turned to me and I gladly accepted and took her with open arms. This is the best decision I ever made for both of us at that moment. I have heard many women share with us of how they never had that precious opportunity of holding their baby angel.
The doctors left the room and I held on to my baby tightly , not wanting to let go of her. What followed was Eyup holding Olivia and letting out a loud cry, more like a groan, never seen him in so much pain.
Olivia was absolutely beautiful. Born with her hands on her chin looking so peaceful and her long legs crossed. I held my gorgeous daughter and sobbed with tears running down my cheeks some more.
I counted her feet and we were amazed and marveled at her long fingers, at how her nails were already long and I stared right back at her face and whispered “am so sorry child that my body was no longer safe for you to stay in’’. My heart broke as I was holding her, I then realized that I will never know how her voice sounds, she’ll never play with her sister IJ, or I’ll never have the joy of watching her wrestling with her papa. We wanted a second child and for a long time, we were ecstatic that is was happening and now it was being crashed right in-front of us.
No parents should go through the whole birth process and not get rewarded with hearing their baby cry. At this time, I also realized that she was in the best place, a place where she will never know pain and she will know that she was loved dearly.
At that moment, sadness filled our hearts as she was no longer crying in our arms and we just had to hold on to her, love on her and let her name ~ Hope’ come alive in our lives.
The doctors came in and the confusion continued, how did this ‘big’ baby pass through the cerclage that’s was so tightly closing my cervix? The doctor checked me and realized that, the reaction that almost took my life, was due to the pressure that ripped the cerclage (wired suture) from one size and tore my cervix and she came ‘flying’ from that ruptured side , even though the rest of it was still in tact.
The doctor took the cerclage out and advised that I needed to go to another surgery to check the damage caused as she couldn’t determine that fully in that room. I was prepped for surgery and Olivia was cleaned and placed in a small ice bath and she could stay in the room with us.
This time, in the cold and bright operating room, I was put completely under, I just remember seeing my feet flying on opposite directions and realized how fit they were apparently only under anesthesia ;)~ again all decency lost. During surgery, which took quite long, my husband was waiting for me again not knowing the extent of the damage and whether I was coming out soon.
Thankfully, I was released to him even before my feet ‘woke’ up. We spent the night at the hospital with Olivia in our room looking like a princess who was just swimming in water. I have read of parents who had the privilege of having their angel baby with them, either in a refrigerated cot or ice bath and I was grateful for this moment.
God saved my life – Grief Image by Nelly.
The nurse came in every few hours to change the ice as this made her skin look beautiful. That night, I laid in bed still in shock, stuck to a catheter and watched Eyup go over the ice bath a couple of times and just stood there staring at Olivia and sometimes holding her. The ice bath was clear, so I could see her from my bed and I will never forget how peaceful my princess looked still with her legs crossed.
I guess she was going to be lady like her big sister IJ. We loved on her, prayed together but it hurt knowing that this was also our goodbye moment , such strange moment of hello~goodbye.
As much a sadness still fills our hearts and whether the joy of our second daughter that we will never get to experience, there was no time, fear was part of the chaos that have changed our lives.
There was no time, I felt afraid. I felt the presence of God so strong the entire 1.5 weeks I was in the hospital up until that fateful Monday when my life was at stake and my princess was instead called home. My body gave a chance for a beautiful girl to grow in it but she could not survive ‘mother nature’s ‘ call of labor and was born sleeping ~ she passed as soon as the excruciating pains and the war in my uterus begun.
On Tuesday 7th, messages came from every where. For those who knew, did not know how to say “ Happy birthday’’ but still , it couldn’t be hidden as it was indeed my birthday. At one time, someone said all the 3 wishes at once to me ~ “congratulations on the birth of your daughter , my condolences and happy birthday”. She said that even though Olivia had passed, she was still born to us and we were her parents.
Later that day, the “Make a Memory’ foundation came in to make beautiful picture memories of Olivia and us. We brought a few drawings from her big sister and made it a special time. During the photo session, we become again vulnerable to each other, Something am still learning. We are so thankful for the privilege of something so basic as pictures, but for us this was our intimate memorial for Olivia ~ just a princess with her mama and papa.
We had some carrot cake later in the day with some friends and colleagues who had come to visit. All this time (about 1 week, I had only been texting with my mom and she was still in shock as to what had happened. Eyup had been keeping her posted since I was rushed to the hospital and the surgeries etc, but she still wasn’t sure on the chronological order of the events and chaos. So me calling her a week later, helped put things in perspective like she confirmed.
I think I have mentioned this before, I know I am a woman of faith, but my mom is on another level. I have never seen her troubled ~ she is the one you call when in stormy sea and she tells you ‘’ He Knows , why are you worried?”. However, this was the first time I was hearing her saying that she hadn’t slept well that week and her heart had been troubled, but hearing from me about what happened, really made her thankful.
I was shocked! My mom then said “ Nelly, we have to change our hearts to that of thanksgiving”. She continued to say “my heart is sad for the granddaughter I was looking forward to seeing end November but I am thanking God for your life.
Do you see how prophetic it is that she was born on the 6th, and your life was literally at stake but you survived all that and God let you have your birthday the next day day after the dark stormy day”? At this time, I was literally speechless and tears were rolling down my cheeks. I knew that the God we serve is all powerful, all knowing like mama likes saying. I put the phone down and gave Christ my heart and confessed of all negative bitterness which had put me in control of my heart.
I may be sad, but sadness doesn’t dwell in my heart because , where there spirit of God is, there is freedom and joy which passes all my understanding. I know that God continues to give me peace that gets me through the days as His mercies are new each morning. He is mourning and rejoicing with us all.
God is love and He brings life in our bones. I pray that you and I will one day sing “it is well with my soul’” what victory and testimony that would be.
I can’t believe that it has been exactly 12 weeks of me being home. I left work 12 weeks ago for what seemed to be a 3 week summer holiday only for me to end up being admitted on that same day and that is how I started my summer holiday in the hospital.
At 8.30 am today, I will be sitting in my office and trying to fit right back in the corporate business environment. I am not sure how the day will go or how my emotions will be when I get to work on the same thing I worked on just before I left work 12 weeks ago. I am not the same person I was 12weeks ago, because 12 weeks ago, I was sitting in that same office and feeling my baby move.
The last projects I worked on were with my hands rubbing my bump and my baby inside me. So going back in a way feels weird . I have clients who knew I was expectant so I am already thinking of the conversations that will come up when they ask, “ when are you due?” or “ how is the baby” ~I can not blame them.
The ones who have not seen me in a while will think that I am currently pregnant. This happened with one of my neighbors, who asked me this weekend “ are you pregnant “? I was numb!!!! . How do I respond to that? Maybe I should have said ‘’ooh, I was pregnant 12 weeks ago but not anymore, what you see is just my body trying to go back to pre-pregnancy stage which is not easy’’.
There is a great transition that happens to a woman’s body when pregnant. I have friends who will go back to wearing their skinny jeans a week after delivering . as for me, when I am pregnant , even my teeth gain weight . It took a long time and hard work for me to go back to my normal weight after IJ was born . With Olivia, by 12 weeks, I was already showing and puffed despite my eating healthy and jogging everyday.
Anyway, so you can imagine going through my closet this week trying to see what will fit me and asking myself whether I should just wear my comfy maternity clothes as those are really comfortable . I work in sales and when you hear sales person, you picture sharp business skirts and pant suits . I am afraid that won’t cut it this time around as I do not fit in any those suits and I do not want anything tight on my tummy at this time. So I have been looking for skits with elastic bands and business like but still comfy dresses .
For those who took time before going back to work after a loss. I am sure you went through a state of being concerned about everything . I don’t want t say state of worry’ but you tend to think about everything that will happen during your transition to your previous rhythm. Will there be silent awkward moments with your colleagues? how do you respond to insensitive questions and so on.
Before all this happened, my usual routine is 8/8.30 pm is bed time and 5 am waking up time. However, my rhythm for the last 12 weeks has been all over the place. In the beginning I could not sleep well, so I stayed up late and got up late which made me even more tired.
Usually, every weekday after my morning devotion, I take my quiet time to the streets of Maastricht and jog ~ I have only resumed jogging 3 times in the last 2 weeks. This was my way of getting back my energy and trying to avoid thrombosis after all those inactive during bed rest at the hospital and at home. At the hospital, they gave me shots for this.
The reason for my post this morning is gratitude. I am thankful for the last 12 weeks at home and being surrounded by such a strong social support system. The 1st time, we went to talk to the ‘loss counselor’ a month after Olivia was born, the counselor. said, “ I feel that you have a very strong social support system, but I am here if you ever need me”.
This is true because, for the last 12 weeks, I have had friends who have visited from near and far, warm meals cooked and delivered to us, playdates and babysitting for IJ, my house cleaned, friends dropping by just to pray and leave, friends who ‘dragged ‘ me outside for long nice walks when they knew I needed it but would say know if they asked politely.
So they took the liberty to just invite me because I will not turn it down:). I have had tea dates, movie nights and so many great moments to celebrate friendship but also just be myself around them.
If it was up to me, I would have gone back to work maybe 2 weeks after Olivia was born as I felt there was no reason for me to stay home. Those who have talked to me know that I really struggled with this the last 12 weeks. My husband says that I never stop to rest,which is true. Even when I need to rest, I always find things to fill up my day with.
I guess I have a problem with JUST BEING. Even though I have struggled to just be’ in the last 12 weeks, I have also enjoyed moments of ‘just surrendering’ to God’s will and letting down my control guard ~ just like this song from Casting crowns.
And when you’re tired of fighting Chained by your control There’s freedom in surrender Lay it down and let it go
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held Just be held, just be held
Lift your hands, lift your eyes In the storm is where you’ll find Me And where you are, I’ll hold your heart I’ll hold your heart Come to Me, find your rest In the arms of the God who wont let go
The corporate / company doctor said during the ‘control appointment’ “take as much time as you need to heal and be fit and I will see you in a few weeks so we can plan your going back to work”. I was so shocked. I even called my mom “ mom, I feel guilty staying at home and not being at work but the Dr. did not help, she said “take as much time as you need”.
My mom works as an account and payroll officer in a company and was also shocked. she said, “you mean you can start home until you fully recover and feel fit to go back to work and your work will be waiting for you “? She works with both contract employees and those who only get paid when work is done. I for one had a temporary contract that was almost expiring when all this happened. So you can see why she was shocked but also grateful that I work in a society where this is possible.
Talking to other women who were forced to go back to work as early as 2 weeks after their loss due to financial burden made me realize how privileged I am to be able to work in a society where ‘occupational health ‘ is seen as a priority be it for employees with a temporary or permanent contact.
I have read stories and also talked with friends in other parts of the world, where sick leaves are unheard of especially when one has worked in a company for a short time. So women are forced to go back to work immediately after delivery or else they will lose their jobs. This is because they might have lost their baby before viability so the insurance companies won’t cover maternity leave.
We are all go through different situations but all I know is, for those in areas where sick leaves are limited , lose their jobs if they do not report to work because they did not save enough hours or for those who are still struggling and find themselves forced to get back to work before they recover because of financial burdens, I know for one that speaking out always helps.
You can reach out to your extended family for support as you recover, I know families who have taken up disability covers as it’s available for them, you can reach out to your friends and church family for support as you heal.
I also know for some women being home all this time can drive them crazy so they rather be at work and feel like they are doing something beneficial. I guess a balance has to be made between taking time to heal and recover well enough so as to be a functional employee and going back to work when time is right.
For me, I was just trying to evade my emotions and wanted to ‘hide’ at work. I am grateful that with the help of the corporate control doctor’, friends, and my husband, I was able to really be in the moment and take time off. I do not take for granted that my company gave me the space to grieve and heal.
Sparrow and Delft Blue pot.
Encouragement:
One friend of mine made this little sparrow and sent it to me while another friend visited me from far with this ‘Delt blue tea pot. Both pieces are unique in their own and their stories powerful in a spiritual way.
1. The Sparrow :
In the bible, there are many instances where we are reminded of why we should not say we are afraid, actually it is said to be more than 365 times. That means, we have one reminder for each day. In Matthew 10 : vs 28-31 is key this morning. ~ because if His eyes are on the Sparrow, how about us valuable humans made in His own image.
28 Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. 29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Jesus reminds us that we should not have fear even for death because we have eternal life in him. In Romans, we are told that nothing in this world or in heaven can separate us from His love. Remember “The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?” (Psalm 27:1-2)
Luke 12 :22-32
Do Not Worry Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn, yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
“Consider how the wildflowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith!
And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. “Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.
You have been given the power to claim the kingdom, so let no fear nor worry take that away form you.
2. The Delft Blue teapot
The Delft blue teapot paints this picture of God as the potter molding us into vessels he wants us to be and perfect for his kingdom work. (Delft Blue is the world-famous earthenware that has been produced in the city of Delft since the 17th century) The way He has created you and where he has positioned you, even in your messy circumstances, you are to be His hands and feet to bring glory in his name.
God has created us wonderfully
Psalms 139: 13 -15 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the eart
“Hath not the potter power over the clay, of the same lump to make one vessel unto honour, and another unto di)shonour?” Rom. 9:21
Gen. 2:7 “And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul”
* Know that we are made with a purpose. No potter sets out to mold without a perfect vision of what they purpose to make. We are not made into random vessels for any random work. Let us walk in that confidence knowing that God our potter has molded us to be faith filled and not worry filled vessels.
Jeremiah 18:1-6 The word which came to Jeremiah from the LORD, saying,
2Arise, and go down to the potter’s house, and there I will cause thee to hear my words.
3Then I went down to the potter’s house, and, behold, he wrought a work on the wheels.
4And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it.
5Then the word of the LORD came to me, saying, 6O house of Israel, cannot I do with you as this potter? saith the LORD. Behold, as the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are ye in mine hand, O house of Israel.
The truth is, we are in Gods hands and when life becomes hard and we start worrying about what we will eat or wear or how we will survive, God wants us to rest in His hands as He re-shapes us and mold us into vessels of honor. Our human nature likes to complain and take issues into our own hands to control but God still has patience to continue molding up into His master piece.
Ephesians 2:10 “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago”. Philippians 1:6 Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:
As we go about our day, let us to not allow fear or worry to get hold of us, instead let us try gratitude and surrender our hunger for control in obedience to the one who has the clay in his hands, because really, He cares for us. So, I surrender my emotions as I go back to work today.
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you
Psalm 139
1 You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there, if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body, all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand- when I awake, I am still with you.
Finding the ‘new’ normal while I wait ~ for healing’
Losing a baby at any gestation whether through miscarriage or stillbirth is a life-changing experience. The pain is unbearable and though it settles down, the sadness really doesn’t disappear. There is something about grief and sadness, one moment you are totally fine and then one petty thing makes your heartache and you feel like nothing will ever cure your sadness.
Such losses because of their intimate nature, cause the couple to mourn alone, and mostly it’s the women who go through the silent grieving moments and this is never talked about in public. This is even harder for those who miscarry even before they get to announce to the family that they were expecting.
How do they come to terms with sharing the devastating news especially when they just found out they are expecting it. Or for some, how do they find the courage to come back and tell people that they are no longer expecting just days after breaking the great news. For mamas like me, who meet friends and you try to explain the flat’ tummy but empty arms and empty cradle. Where do we start from?
How do we start a new normal? Especially when mother nature hits you hard. Waking up at night not because the newborn needs a diaper change but because you are hurting from the breast engorgement and you need a new ice pack and milk pad to stop the leakage. You have all the signs of a new mom but the physical pain you are going through does not make it worthwhile. You feel that it would be worth it if there was a baby next to you then all the pain you were going through would be justified.
To add more emotional pain, you come to terms with the fact that you will never get to nurse that baby, that you will wake up at night the first weeks postpartum not because they woke you up but because of your body hurting. I have had to come to terms with the fact that I will not experience any season of ‘’firsts’’ with Olivia Amali.
Never will watch her tag with daddy or tell her to eat her veggies. I always knew she would be a better eater than her older sister IJ but I guess we will never know and this is a hard reality I like most mamas will have to face.
Wait on God ~ we do not need to doubt the existence of the sun in the night. Image by Nelly
Did you know that the hardest place to be is between what you have seen God do and what you are waiting for him to do? We are encouraged in His word to cling to his ‘unseen yet eternal promises’ 2 Cor 4;16-18
16 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” Just like the sun is absent in the night, His promises are revealed at the appointed time.
We only need to hold on to the hope that darkness which is the sadness and the pain, no matter how they seem to be winning, they can not extinguish the power of the light. John 1:5 “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” Where His presence is, there is light and His light breaks every yoke of fear and sadness.
We as His children ought to walk right into that freedom with the confidence that He is the God that moves all mountains in our lives and calls to existence promises that were unseen and did not exist before.
I would like to encourage you, that in the stormy days and cloudy days, you have never doubted the existence of the sun. Instead, we run the race and fix our eyes on Jesus trusting that the stars we see at night are a glimpse of what is coming in the morning ~ his joy and sunshine. So what do we hold on when darkness and sadness creeps in? we ought to cling to :
* Scripture : which is Gods’s truth and we can remind ourselves of His promises and what He said. * Prayer; This is where we pour out the raw emotions to Christi and let him take control.’’Father, this is beyond me, take control of my emotions an give me with joy where there is hurt and sadness. * Community : Find your tribe and allow yourself to soak in the love and care from those around you.
Friends who will sit with you in silence, pray with you, take walks with you and even confront you as the Spirit leads to asking how you are really feeling and also be ready to listen to your response if any. We are so grateful for our community both here and far. We have friends visiting from way out of town just to pray and talk for an hour and then have to travel back again.
What we need to cling to is His promises in His word and when sadness hits you, wait for God. Call out to Him …”God/ but you promised!!”
You Promised ~ Corey Voss
Everything is temporary God, You’re never ending Though it seems You sometimes hide You rise in perfect time
Bread of heaven, Living Water God of our salvation Like a shepherd, You will lead us To the other side
You are who You say You are You are who You say You are
In this moment and forever, You will surely be Everything You’ve ever promised You promised In this moment and forever, all sufficiency Is who You are, it’s who You are You promised
Through the valley to the mountain Everywhere we go Still, the clamor, fill the quiet Peace be still, my soul Peace be still, my soul!
The week Olivia was born, IJ was attending the VBS (Vacation Bible School) and she would come home each evening with memory verses they had learned. She danced away joyfully to the songs of praise they had learned. With tears in my eyes watching her, I thought “what a timely word of encouragement were they to our grieving hearts”.
As she danced away while giggling, I paused to be grateful for the great blessing such as family in my life and most specifically the enormous comfort my almost 6year old daughter brought and stills brings to us. In that same moment, my heart broke for the many women and families who are grieving like myself but lack the sweet comfort and sweet craziness of their own healthy child.
You might be reading this and wondering how do you grieve with a friend who has lost a baby. These are some of the support we have received and would like to share :
* Time and space to grieve * Give them your time and presence ~ I loved when friends just showed up without appointments and said ‘’ Shall I sit with you?” * Show up in whatever way you can ~ ring their bell, send something or card by post, a message and remember that your love , prayers and support are the most important. * I remember, i had moments i was so numb and did not want to speak on the phone but appreciated messages or emails from friends who mentioned “Take your time to respond” * Don’t stress to do anything big~ just be present in their pain and ask questions in wisdom ;). * Apart from sending cards, you can note down the monthly anniversary to send an encouraging message , remember the holiday season too ~ Christmas or mothers and fathers days. This is because , just like any child, milestones matter whether they are in heaven or here with us.
* Food- we have been so blessed by the ‘meal train organized by our local church. So, yes, send them a meal or if you are out of town you can organize a takeaway delivery from a restaurant. * For some families, medical bills could be leading them to a financially stressful time. So, small financial gifts go along way. * Child care for the other children. I remember, the first weeks postpartum, I couldn’t give IJ the attention she deserved, and having friends drop by to pick her up and bringing her back after she had had dinner was a huge blessing. * Help at home like cleaning and laundry. I am a control freak in cleaning my house and I want to do it alone. However, in the last weeks, I had to allow myself to be helped in the house especially because the body needs to heal. * Gifts to keep to help remember the baby. Does not have to be a major. I remember we got simple yet powerful gifts from friends. It could range from handmade items, tea, picture frame, flowers, prayer cards, plants, or even personalized jewelry. * Books to encourage, journals and music. I have received music CDs and several links to encouraging songs in the past weeks. * Offer to go for walks with them or something they love to do.
I would like to hear what else you could add to the list
;).