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Faith over Fear

Faith over Fear

UNDER CONSTRUCTION ~ BUILDING PALACES IN DISGUISE

June 26, 2021
under construction

I Woke up motivated to accomplish many things today. For example, I had a call scheduled for 10 am to be interviewed, then I needed to drop the team to the big move-in (after the construction) clean we had too, plus attend an online Women conference while doing things around the house.

I started by doing laundry and some home organizing before the call. Then waited for it, it didn’t happen. So, I decided to drop the team at the house. On arrival, we see that the contractor and builders are still busy and there’s nowhere to clean yet. We had managed to clean upstairs yesterday for them to move in and have a place to sleep. However, everything was still on all floors for downstairs, from their huge machines, debris, and tools. They also keep walking back and forth from outside to inside, so we turn back and go back home.

I put my youngest down for a nap, eat my lunch, and instead of hanging the 1st load of laundry outside since it’s sunny, I decided to lay on the couch. I immediately fall into a deep sleep for maybe 1.5hrs and am later awakened by my youngest crying.

My body feels weird because it’s not used to napping, so now I feel tired and thinking about the 1st load of laundry still in the wash, with more rounds still to go. The dry ones from last week that still needs to be ironed, the kitchen that I had started but left hallway, the text from the client’s (interior designer) who wanted us to clean anyway because the client is moving in today. She wanted to clean in the mess anyway.

Have you felt like your life was like a construction site? With things left incomplete and always needing repair? We all have seasons when our lives feel like a construction site. Everywhere you go, you see the sign ” under construction”. Nothing is ever finished or feels finished. The dust never ends, you are constantly dusting.

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of—throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace.”

C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, New York: MacMillan Co., 1960, p. 160

I don’t like construction sites, to me they mean mess and disorganized things everywhere. However, construction sites symbolize process, improvement, and growth.

The thing is, our human eyes, focus on the mess we see at those sites. Therefore, we need faith and trust in God knowing and believing that He has every good and perfect intention for us.

For us to really experience the father’s transformation, we need to surrender our lives to the potter by laying our lives on that table for Him to continuously mend and shape. In addition, our lives need to be continuously changed by Him. We can do this by leaving all control to him and surrendering the building tools.

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Change of plans

When I clean or start something, I always want to finish, doesn’t matter what time it is or what it takes. We all love enjoying the results without having to go through so many projects or processes. I want a beautiful bathroom with a waterfall shower for my husband and a huge bathtub for myself, , now you know my dream bathroom. However, I want to avoid the dust, the mess the builders leave, the trip to the construction shop, the banging noises, and the never-ending mess. We all want, what the realtors call the move-in ready.

Two days ago, the team did a post-construction clean-up which took 20 hours instead of 15, because the builders kept going back to the cleaned rooms in their dirty boots. So you couldn’t see the clean space. This bothered me, as I love seeing the sparkling perfect results. But now with them, I failed to see it, but also failed to see the beauty they were creating.

Why do we love escaping the process? We want to skip the learning experience which is something we can always hold on to forever as it guides us to growth.

I believe that our prayers should change to asking God to open our spiritual eyes to be able to see the beauty in the construction mess and process.

God is a master of mess, as He will create beauty out of it and make it perfect. So, let us not strive for perfection, He wants us the way we are and not in any way perfect.

Remember, His work in us is continuous. “He who began a good work in you will bring it into completion at the Day of Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 1:6) HE IS STILL AT IT until the return of Christ!! Which only means, our lives are construction sites. And that, stopping to dream, create, live in the mess only leads to complacency and stagnation. When this happens, there’s no growth nor change.

Let us, therefore, allow the master planner, chief architect full access to our unfinished spaces and projects. Surrender to His design, floor plan, and plan, surrender to His all-powerful, all-knowing power. He is the one who’s got the final blueprint and trust Him to complete everything that He started in you.

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Surrender : Pricilla- du-preez (unsplash)|

Just think about the palace He is putting up and you’ll dance in the mess.

Psalm 127:1b- “Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain… (Psalm 127:1b).”

Faith over Fear Hope

PRACTICE GRATITUDE, LESS COMPLAINING

August 28, 2020

If only we knew that the season we are in will not last a lifetime, we would relax, let go and let God do His work in us.

We need to be careful because the same lips we are using to complain about the promises not fulfilled yet, are the same lips that will shout in wonder and excitement at the mighty things God is able to do.

Let us cultivate a lifestyle and habit to practice gratitude, less complaining. Remember, God is not surprised about what you are going through. So lets trust him.

Click here to watch the video on Youtube.

God bless.

Nelly.

Courage & Passion Faith over Fear New Normal

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF | NO ONE IS COMING! TO PUSH YOU.

August 16, 2020

Many times we face hardships and not even our closest support system can pull us through. You will have people around you who will motivate you , while others discourage you.

Bottom line is, even with the support, they can not force you to do the things you purpose to do or achieve them. It will require you pushing yourself outside your comfort zone.

Just like the law of attraction, surround yourself with people who at least motivate you and have a positive outlook towards life.

Trust and believe in yourself. Its greater than everything else around you.

Click here to watch the video on Youtube.

Nelly.

Faith over Fear Hope

SLOWING TO PONDER | BELIEVE IN THE PROMISES OF GOD

August 12, 2020
no fear just hope

The past eight months have been about finding our feet as a family after moving to a new city back in October. The past four have been about trying to find solid ground in this new normal we all face. I hope you’ve found solid ground, many days I wonder if I have. For me, it’s been very helpful for my physical, mental and spiritual health to be outdoors in our garden: sowing, growing, and seeing nature’s daily changes. Days with time spent outside are better.

The reflection that follows comes from the garden. During the final week of June, froglets began emerging from our pond. Our family (kids aged 2 and 6) have been tadpole watchers since they emerged from the spawn their parents left back in late January. From the tiniest wriggling specks, through giant tadpole heads with tails, we cheered when we spotted one with back legs a few weeks ago.

We were slightly surprised when they were finally ready to emerge and hop about, they hid for their final transformation. They are tiny little things, about 1cm long. Completely and perfectly formed little frogs, teeny eyes, little webbed feet, extraordinary hopping distance with so many different colors and patterns. They clamber out of the water, the only home they’ve ever known; to then climb pretty much vertically up and out into the complete unknown, sure there is more to life out there.

SLOWING TO PONDER
One of the tiny frogs.

Some choose a foolishly difficult, nearly vertical way up and we giggle as they tumble back into the duckweed with the tiniest of splashes. Due to our house being nestled into a hillside, much of the garden is terraced. Hip and knee height walls hold back the hillside, creating a giant staircase. There is but one proper staircase up towards the top, the plant beds, and a way out of our otherwise walled garden.

Quite a few of the froglets hop in the easier direction: towards the wide-open space of the patio. Nice and flat, with tiny crevices between the tiles. Probably pretty great to get started but not a healthy and safe habitat in the long run. After a few attempts, the nearly 7-year-old has mastered how to catch them by cornering them and letting them hop into her hand, gently covering them with the other hand so they can’t escape. She swiftly walks them up the stairs to deposit them where there is plentiful food and they are less likely to be trodden on. Between us, we’ve probably moved 100 of them or so.

It’s struck me that even so tiny, these froglets have personalities. Some are keen to hop off the elevator hand the moment it’s opened; others just sit there for a few moments, surveying the landscape to decide whether it’s safe and a few even require a prod to get going; a couple leaves poop as a thank you and a very few decide to climb the hand up towards the arm to have a closer look.

The first ones spot the tiniest of gaps between fingers and squirm and wiggle until they squeeze out and hurl themselves into the air out of the tiny cave they were in, plummeting to the ground. They all miraculously seem fine after landing, but I find myself exclaiming: “oh you struggling creature, I’m trying to HELP you!” These tiny froglets have made me wonder: which one am I most like? When this thing that momentarily darkened my life retreats and I find myself in a different place, what do I do/ what did I do?

Do I run away from that experience as fast as possible? Never looking back? Or do I take the time to observe from a safe distance? Do I sit there blinking, immobile, while my eyes re-adjust to the bright light? Do I climb up to have a closer look at my “elevator”? Do I wander off pretending nothing at all noteworthy has happened?

I don’t think any one of these is either right or wrong; how and when to reflect on any situation will be dependent on what happened and your personality. I do, however, think we should, at some point stop and reflect on what happened and how we got to where we are.

Hopefully, with some reflection, we might see that there was someone there carrying us and saying: “oh my child, I’m trying to HELP you!” “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” Matthew 6:26-27.

I emphasize that slowing to ponder is very important. Let us lay down our worries and take time to reflect to see how our heavenly Father cares for us during the times when it is all dark and confusing. Know that you are SO precious to God.

Blessings,

Christina

SLOWING TO PONDER
Christina is a wife and mother of 2 active kids. She has a deep Dutch heritage but now settled in South West England after 6 years in Italy. She’s keen to find beauty in the small things: gardening, crafting, and noticing serendipity.

Faith over Fear

PURSUING WHO YOU ARE MEANT TO BE | STOP BEING COMFORTABLE

August 2, 2020
PURSUING WHO YOU ARE MEANT TO BE

Don’t you know that “By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence.”

So why is it that as His children, we stay comfortable and refuse to stand out?

How is your pursuit for God and the purpose He has called you to?

What is your strategy?

Let us stop being comfortable in platforms God has placed us. Take your position and know that you have been called to be the head in Kingdom work and our daily life.

“From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and violent men take it by force”? Moreover, what did He mean when He said, “For all the prophets and the Law prophesied until John” Matthew 11 :12.

Click here to watch the video on youtube.

God bless,

Nelly.

Faith over Fear Hope

TRUSTING GOD IN UNCERTAINTY | STANDING IN THE STORMY SEASON

July 22, 2020
TRUSTING GOD IN UNCERTAINTY

We all go through seasons of uncertainty in our lives.

What we do not know is that , the storm or situation you are in will not look the same a month, six months or years from now. Since we do not know that, all we have is the hope in Christ. Let our despair turn into praise and we can praise God even in the stormy seasons.

So how do we stand in the storm and trust God through the pain and in the stormy seasons?

How can we keep staying the course even in tough times? : Psalms 46.

* Communal prayer

*Seek fellowship in wisdom

*Seek the good among the bad (gratitude)

*Stand still and see ( even in the tough times, be aware of the seasons and don’t wait to rush through it) take from it.

* Total surrender to God’s power to save.

May we find encouragement to sustain us through the dark nights.

God bless.

Nelly.

Faith over Fear Hope Love Morning coffee with God New Normal

MY SPIRITUAL LIFE = MY PHYSICAL LIFE | FACING TRAUMA

July 15, 2020
MY SPIRITUAL LIFE = MY PHYSICAL LIFE

Remember the prayer I prayed ” Thank God for being patient with me”.

In the valley, He was patient me and when it was time to get back and open my curtains, the Holly Spirit whisphered “its time child” and by His grace, I listened to His nudging and picked up my comfortable mat because it was time.

God is indeed patient with us. We have moments when we might have ‘ slagged’ in pursuing our purpose because of life’s struggles but He is always waiting with arms wide open. So , when you feel it’s time to step right back up, know that you are never alone. Your purpose is still where you left it at. You can pray ” show me my purpose Lord” no wrong in that but I feel we should praying ” Lord, where can I start from or continue from? I feel like you are leading me to this, should I go ahead?”.

My spiritual life equals my physical life. So how do I practice healthy habits or seek healthy habits that will change my life. I go back to my healthy morning habits that will help me face my trauma and see me though this weight loss journey and finally being able to get back on track with God and my physical situation. I am a brand new me and I have finally opened the curtain and with God’s grace , I am not going back to that valley no more. We need to ‘wake up’ from our slumber as humanity is thirsty for our gifts and our presence.

We should also not be comparing our lives with others, some of us have been called to hospitality to smile at people and hug them, others have been called to the screens with microphones, to speak up in boldness without shame, and more so others behind the screen or any public scene. Whether staying at home and pouring your love to those tiny ones or in the corridors of the corporate world, shining Jesus’s love and kingdom principles in an environment that is thirsty for it. I pray we all discover what is that thing, we have been called to do.

Why does God keep waking you up each morning? We can’t pour out from an empty heart. On the other hand, we can’t keep ‘hiding’ and soaking up, we need a channeling out ~ a system that operates in balance of flowing in and out. That’s why we are here.

We ought to be both a Mary and a Martha in kingdom work. Wisdom is realising when you have been in one of the season’s for too long and doing the necessary. Have you been soaking up too long and feel like God is nudging you to get back out there?, or have you been leaking out and pouring out for so long and feel like you are no longer speaking from the vine but more so adding your own words?

Thank God in His mercies and grace for being patient with us. But in His patience, there is still a gentle nudge and whisper calling out His sons and daughters to take up their positions and be His hands and feet in this world. Lean in , and take up space with the confidence that you are not doing it alone and in your own might.

He has your back. “It’s time child” He whispers. The sign – Jesus Christ) prophesied long ago is here now, we don’t need to look for it.

Much love,

Nelly.

Courage & Passion Faith over Fear

DARE TO DREAM BIG

July 15, 2020
no fear just hope

I am already 10 minutes late for my board meeting. Everybody is seated and waiting. I apologize and make the same joke I make every time I am late for a meeting, “I am Kenyan you know, I said we meet in the morning, and it is not yet noon, so, I am on time“! This rarely happens and that’s why they all laugh!  I am almost always on time, this is the one thing that could ALMOST make me be called German. I got held up in the office trying to reschedule an Interview I will be doing with a famous author, who has a crazy schedule and not easy to get hold of.

The meeting today is about expanding the Karibuni Jikoni Network to cover the Asian market. Our Research and Marketing Team is back from Beijing, and they have some very positive news. I will be flying to Tokyo, then Hong Kong, and finish up in Beijing, all arrangements have been done. I am scheduled to Cook with some Asian Star Chefs in their Restaurants while interviewing them. They have agreed to do a series of Shows on Asian Cuisine with me.

I am woken up by my daughter in the middle of this beautiful dream, I smile at her and ask her to give me 10 minutes. I get out of bed, kneel and pray! I repeat this dream in my prayer, And at this point, I transform my dream into a wish, and I tell it to my heavenly father at first casually, and later in another prayer, as a formal request. I then leave it up to him to know when He will grant me this wish. I still remind Him every now and then, but in the meantime, I continue working hard on the wishes that have already been granted.

Dream big?

Sometimes my dreams are so big that they scare me, and they scare me because I know that I just don’t let them remain dreams. I sometimes even think that I annoy my heavenly father with my persistence, but then again, He tells us in the Bible in the Book of James 4:2 …”You have not, because you ask not”, so I ask!

When I was 12, I saw a movie about a family of four, a father, mother, son, and daughter riding bicycles in the woods. The scene remained with me and some days later, I dreamt about it. This time, it was my husband, our two children, and me. Our children were mixed race, what we used to call “Pointees”! And like I always do, I prayed about it, and continued praying about it. I did not let being born in a slum and not even having a bicycle of my own or even the fact that I did not have any contact with white people limit what was possible for me.

 In 2012, when our son turned three and could ride a bike on his own, we did a bicycle tour in the woods, my husband in front of us, our daughter behind him, and our son in front of me, my Kids are Kenyan-German; mixed race! I cried for about an hour, tears of joy, because, 20 years later, my dream had come true. And I can narrate at least a hundred of such stories.

 Notably, I have learned to relive my dreams, fantasize, to be in those places I dream about, to write those dreams down and pin them on my Vision Board, to talk to and with myself about them, to keep them present in my mind. I have a feeling that I dream about things that I wish for, so I am not sure what comes first the dream, or the wish… but does it matter?  All I know is that I bring it all to the Lord in prayer. I let Him decide when I am ready to receive the blessing, though I may sometimes get impatient, I never lose my faith and I remain hopeful!

More often than not, I am very clear about what I want and I work towards achieving that, I am also very specific in my prayers. I think God is a busy person, and because I know that He takes time to listen to my prayers, I don‘t want to abuse this advantage by littering all over him with unnecessary words. So I first prepare my notes before I have those meetings with him, just to make sure I have put my most important points across before he starts running out of patience. You know, I know how I am, so just in case, He is like me, points noted!  I am precise, very specific, and consistent. I have small and big wishes/dreams, and as I said, sometimes I get impatient, but I never fail to recognize and take time to thank Him when He grants me even the smallest wish.

At the moment, I am thanking Him for every like and view on Chef Carol’s Show. I am already building my Karibuni Jikoni Network, I am working hard so that my Father can see that I am capable of handling more. 

So the day I will be seated in my Private Jet heading to Tokyo, you can imagine what a party, “Kigosho (Praise) Party”, that will be for my team and me!

Is this too much for you to digest?

That’s the same feeling I get sometimes, but it doesn’t stop me, I am not afraid to DREAM BIG! And even if, it just remains a dream, it doesn’t really matter, I nevertheless enjoy living in it, every now then, because it is a beautiful place to be in. Now, don’t make me tell you how often I sit in that Private Jet opening a bottle of Champagne dancing to Jerusalema. It’s up to you. DARE TO DREAM & DREAM BIG!

Carol.

DARE TO DREAM BIG

Click here to watch video on youtube

DARE TO DREAM BIG
Carol Waithira Mühlenbrock, is a chef who together with her husband, owns and runs the Haus Mühlenbrock Restaurant & Hotel in Biergarten in Germany. They also do catering and organize an African Festival (Ngoma Africa) every year.
Her passion for cooking and talking about matters that affect us in life led her to launch Karibuni Jikoni. In this platform, she cooks while also interviewing the guests present. It is about giving us a platform to talk, learn, teach, interact and have fun while making delicious dishes! , she says.
If she’s not sporting, spending time with her daughter, son, and husband, or serving her guests, you will Carol on her show “Let me Cook your Dish“ dancing her heart away. It is an online show where she cooks a favorite dish that was submitted by her fans while chatting with them.
Faith over Fear Hope Morning coffee with God New Normal

HOW TO GET BACK ON TRACK | DON’T LOOK FOR A SIGN THAT’S ALREADY GIVEN.

July 11, 2020
GET BACK ON TRACK

Kingdom life is more so like a GPS system, where we are intertwined with the Holly Spirit, keen in our spiritual ears , not missing his cues and signs. So how do we follow God’s plan and his will for our lives. Do we know why we wake up in the morning and what God’s-designed destiny is for our lives? He says ” I know the plans I have for you…” He has already revealed Himself to you, His power has been made perfect in you.

We ought to move from “show me the way” to more specific prayers like ” God, how do you want me to go about this, is this plan that I have in line with your will?”. Once you hear from God, it is then ok to go back to God and ask Him for a confirmation, which He is always faithful to give. He will use a random person to prophecy, or declare a word to you. He will even use nature or kids to confirm His word to you.

Note, it’s only after seeking His will, are we to ask for a confirmation and not going about asking for signs here and there before we have even sat at His feet to consult if this was even the way he wants us to go. This way, it will be no longer a CONFIRMATION’, but you going in it, in your own way. Back to purpose, being attentive in the Spirit and the GPS system. Once you know your purpose, you start ‘moving/acting in faith’ . It is only while moving that your GPS is able to recalibrate and select the right way. You can’t select the right way while being still.

So, it is with our purpose and all kingdom work God has called us to do. He says in 2Peter 1:3 ” By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence.” Meaning, all have been made available for us way in advance before our calling. All we need to do is start moving, taking our position and in moving, when we feel like we need some guidance and affirmation to check whether the road we took was really the one meant to, we can keep asking for direction.

We need to ask direction in wisdom too. When you select a route on the GPS, it usually says, “keep going straight for 30km or so”. I have never heard any GPS, repeating at each KM “yes, go straight, yes, keep going, yes, go on straight. No, it gives the clear instruction at the beginning and then usually a few Kms later, it will say briefly ” continue straight”. It is the same with our walk with Christ, He has promised to walk with us and said He will never forsake us.

So when God endorses your plan and you feel it deep in your bones and spirit that He has confirmed it, you start moving and have the confidence that He is with you and that He has already provided a way . God is indeed patient with us. We have moments when we might have ‘ slagged’ in pursuing our purpose because of life’s struggles but He is always waiting with arms wide open. So , when you feel it’s time to step right back up, know that you are never alone.

Your purpose is still where you left it at. You can pray ” show me my purpose Lord” no wrong in that but I feel we should praying ” Lord, where can I start from or continue from? I feel like you are leading me to this, should I go ahead?”. We need to ‘wake up’ from our slumber as humanity is thirsty for our gifts and our presence.

We should also not be comparing our lives with others, some of us have been called to hospitality to smile at people and hug them, others have been called to the screens with microphones, to speak up in boldness without shame, and more so others behind the screen or any public scene. Whether staying at home and pouring your love to those tiny ones or in the corridors of the corporate world, shining Jesus’s love and kingdom principles in an environment that is thirsty for it.

I pray we all discover what is that thing, we have been called to do. Why does God keep waking you up each morning? We can’t pour out from an empty heart. On the other hand, we can’t keep ‘hiding’ and soaking up, we need a channeling out ~ a system that operates in balance of flowing in and out. That’s why we are here.

We ought to be both a Mary and a Martha in kingdom work. Wisdom is realising when you have been in one of the season’s for too long and doing the necessary. Have you been soaking up too long and feel like God is nudging you to get back out there?, or have you been leaking out and pouring out for so long and feel like you are no longer speaking from the vine but more so adding your own words? T

hank God in His mercies and grace for being patient with us. But in His patience, there is still a gentle nudge and whisper calling out His sons and daughters to take up their positions and be His hands and feet in this world. Lean in , and take up space with the confidence that you are not doing it alone and in your own might.

He has your back. “It’s time child” He whispers. The sign – Jesus Christ) prophesied long ago is here now, we don’t need to look for it.

Click here to watch the video on youtube

Much love,

Nelly.

Faith over Fear Hope Love

A LETTER TO MY RAINBOW BABY ON YOUR 1ST BIRTHDAY.

July 10, 2020
no fear just hope

There are so many opinions surrounding why children born after a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss are reffered to as ~ Rainbows. Many mothers have lost 1st borns and then gone to lose the next baby(s). So for them, how do they refer to the baby that follows if and when they are blessed with one? For many others , it has brought encouragement and made parents open up and share their grief and loss stories and the babies that followed. A rainbow term for their baby offers peace, hope and a promise that is here or is to come. For some, they do not want to refer to their babies as rainbows because to them, it only means that their angel baby therefore becomes the storm, and for them, they are not the storm but came during a storm. 

For me, Amirah, came at a time when everything around me was dark just like how the storm clouds rage in darkness. I introduced her in a previous post as our rainbow miracle, just like what the rainbow symbolized in the bible. To me, she was a true symbol of God’s faithfulness which He gives and continues to show, as He promises to take care of us and protect us during and after the storm. The storm might end but there will surely be stormy clouds hovering around ready to discourage us. However, we must not lose hope because the promise keeper is a good father and blesses like one. To me, she’s my rainbow miracle and here is a letter I wrote for her 1st birthday. 

Letter to my baby

Oooh, where do I start! The 1st time I introduced you, I spent more time talking about your angel sister Olivia. However, today is your day and I promised myself that I will only talk about you . But I am torn, how can my my heart be sad yet grateful at the same time. It is amazing and still mind-blowing how sadness, grief and abundant gratitude can be in one basket. I am now  convinced that  what is required is a balance of each so that joy can be felt. 

Its your 1st birthday and I look at you in your papa’s arms and your proud big sister next to you helping you blow out the candle. My mind immediately strays and thinks about your angel sister Olivia and how she would be next to you as well. I then feel the emptiness and her absence is very evident. For a moment, I wanted something that I could not have but within moments , I quickly was back present in the moment and your smile made me count my blessings.

I do not know if you would have been here if Olivia were to be here now. What I know is that you are here now, not to ever replace her but to tell my heart that it can love again and for sure you are doing a great job in this. Amirah, I would like to say how sorry I am for the times I was looking for your angel sister in your eyes. Going forward, though the storm clouds may hover around my heart and make me feel the despair, I promise that I will not let it overwhelm me. One thing the experience with your sister Olivia taught me is that yes, the despair and sadness will ways exist but I can not push them away to the point of them being nonexistent . All I can do is cultivate a lifestyle of gratitude, as the rest I may never understand and that’s ok.

I have come a long way but for sure I am a better student now in this class that teaches how to grieve and love at the same time. The lessons are far from over and haven’t been easy either, because losing your sister has changed me forever. Even if you would have come many years after Olivia, I would still grieve her loss and love you at the same time. It is just a contrast we will have to live with and take it as a beautiful journey. You are here and my heart is full of love for you. Loving you has opened a new self in me. I am able to express my positive emotions more openly and I am even saying many yes(s) to you and your sister more and more. I love you my Pendo.

When we found out we were expecting you, we especially, I had not had the time to digest everything that had happened with your sister Olivia and how her arrival almost cost my life. So the 40 weeks of you in my stomach were filled with worry, fear, and anxiety but in the midst of them all, hope endured. During that time, I was grieving but fully grateful for the miracle of carrying you. When you were born and were handed to me, I held you tightly but could not stop crying for about 10 minutes or so.

With your big sister, Imani-Jane (Faith-God is gracious), she came out and I immediately was in prayer mode, I was praying and saying ‘Thank you Lord’’X 100 ;). With your angel sister Olivia Amali (Hope), I had battled everything to keep her and now in the final battle arena, I felt like I had lost everything including myself. So when she came rushing out, I just sobbed silently with tears pouring down my face and made no sound until much later when I broke down. Now with you, it was like a tear-packed worship service with no words except those plainly written in my heart to God. I have heard of those who are filled with Holy Spirit and start laughing uncontrollably, in your case I was crying but because of shock and deep hurt.

In those early weeks and months, I had also just discovered that I too have emotions and I am allowed to feel them, understand them and express them as raw and polished as they come. So, time and time again, after your birth I would shut down, open my suitcase of raw emotions so I could get a glimpse of how they looked on that specific day or season. I would allow myself to feel them and express them later on or immediately. To be honest, I might have taken too long inside the suitcase on many occasions which led to me not welcoming you fully and I apologize for this. It’s like I was afraid, I don’t even know why and this led to me not introduce your arrival to loved ones for a long time. In my heart, I wanted to welcome you fully 1st to myself and only then show you to everyone. Your papa had to take this introduction role in the 1st months.

All went well in the 1st few weeks but all broke loose again when you were diagnosed with extreme eczema. To be honest, those months have gone to be very traumatizing for us. Seeing you scratch and ache in pain and with nothing we could do, broke our hearts and still do when eczema re-surfaces time and time again. Each time you cry now, it’s like something is triggered in my brain and I freeze. I want that pain you are feeling to freeze as well. Being in a dark place emotionally coupled with sleep deprivation made me vulnerable to many things in a negative way and I am sorry it did not bring out the best in me. Growing up, I had no time to feel any emotions. Therefore, I put up walls so heavy and thick to protect my mind and heart. Previously, I absolutely would never put myself in a position of vulnerability, I was always fully on guard.

a letter to my baby
a letter to my baby

One thing I recently realized when I told a colleague that you were almost one was that I was so focused on making you comfortable and taking care of eczema that I most of the time missed watching you grow. When we spent time together, I was always alert just so you don’t scratch. I never really let go and it’s something I am learning seeing how you are growing now and how thankful the eczema is getting better. We still have a long way to go but definitely, further away from where we have come from, and for that, I am deeply grateful. Amirah, I will say this, you are a very strong girl and I know you get this from your mama and Oma-Kenya. 

My princess Amirah,  when you were born, I said many blessings over you and one was because of your middle name Godelieve (God’s love) which is your late sweet Oma’s name. Like I declared that day, may you not just be a beautiful princess with your beauty, but may you heal hearts and love selflessly. May you live to your Oma’s legacy and may God’s love just like your name, shine through you to other people so that they may see Christ in you as the living hope of glory and this may cause them to glorify God.

I was crying up to here, but now am smiling silly when I think about how intentional we are with the names we have given both your sisters and yourself and how God seals them with His mark like a prayer. My love, you now obviously know that I have loved other children before you and you came at a time when my heart had been crushed and I was sure to my ‘standards’, that there wasn’t any chance I was able to have any love left to love again.

After your big sister, I loved your angel sister very much but did not get a chance to bring her home and my heart was in pain. But, I was very wrong about my heart’s love capacity. Despite our rough start and my fear of loving you, my heart was fully capable and also ready to love you. I loved you before you were put in my arms and the crying when you were born, was all my fears melting away and my heart receiving you wholeheartedly. You are my rainbow miracle and beautiful addition to the Ibis family.

Amirah, you are a courageous girl and such a delight. You have filled our hearts with so much joy and cheer, we had no idea we were living in deficit. Your big sister keeps saying ‘’ I can’t believe she is here/ I am so happy she is here with me/ she makes me so happy’’. Each time she says this, I always feel a lump in my throat and happy tearful eyes. I won’t even talk about how you make your papa feel, I see it in his eyes and it makes me love him even more. I already warned him that you are mine because he already has I-J ;).

We have passed through fire as a family but having you and your sister is the bond that has kept us strong and given us hope. I only started saying ‘I love you’  12 years ago when I met your papa but in the last one year, I have said so many ‘I love you’s to you and your sister that compensates for those many years I didn’t express it. Thank you for teaching us the basics like letting go of petty things in order to enjoy the present beauty life brings. 

Amirah Godelieve Zahara Ibis, you know to me you are ‘ Pendo’ and ‘Mama’ because you gonna love like a Mama. May you grow up to know that you are loved deeply and beyond measure, just like you have loved us and continue to do. You are a gift to us and a reminder from our heavy father that our broken hearts were very much capable of loving again. God brought you into our lives to heal our broken hearts at His beautiful time.

Happy 1st birthday Amirah. May you continue bouncing God’s love around the room and the world.

Love mama.