One of the last posts I did was, how thankful I was in the way God has been patient with me. Here is an excerpt from that post.
“{…..God is indeed patient with us. We have moments when we might have ‘ slagged’ in pursuing our purpose because of life’s struggles but He is always waiting with arms wide open. So , when you feel it’s time to step right back up, know that you are never alone. Your purpose is still where you left it at. You can pray ” show me my purpose Lord” no wrong in that but I feel we should praying ” Lord, where can I start from or continue from? I feel like you are leading me to this, should I go ahead?”.
We need to ‘wake up’ from our slumber as humanity is thirsty for our gifts and our presence. We should also not be comparing our lives with others, some of us have been called to hospitality to smile at people and hug them, others have been called to the screnes with microphones, to speak up in boldness without shame, and more so others behind the screen or any public scene.
Have you realized that sometimes, you have only scratched the surface of your full potential and purpose? It’s true that in some seasons we leak out and bless and there are seasons where we hide under Jesus’s feet to soak up of the kingdom.
We can’t pour out from an empty heart. On the other hand, we can’t keep ‘hiding’ and soaking up, we need a channeling out ~ a system that operates in balance of flowing in and out. That’s why we are here. We ought to be both a Mary and a Martha in kingdom work.
Wisdom is realising when you have been in one of the season’s for too long and doing the necessary. Have you been soaking up too long and feel like God is nudging you to get back out there?, or have you been leaking out and pouring out for so long and feel like you are no longer speaking from the vine but more so adding your own words? ……..}”
So, coming today’s post. I have not gone for a run or any active walk purposely for exercise for about 17months till yesterday as running was now an emotional situation for me. Before this 17 months, I had been running for 4 years almost every day at least 5 days a week , for at least 5km during weekdays and a 10km> on Sunday mornings. Before the 4 years of running, my quiet time was always during the day because I was alone, not working fulltime and could delegate quality time for it away from the chaos.
I switched to early morning quiet time before or during my early run because of my new fulltime job and because of the sitting at the office. I wanted to avoid the weak feeling at work, I wanted to always be pumped up, both in the Spirit and physically. When people said ‘hi’, I wanted to be the one that says “good morning!! and I actually was that person. #adrenaline.
Most of you know why I haven’t run for 17months. In July 2018, 2 days before my 20th gestation check up, I did my last 10km and 2 days later, I was told I have an Incompetent cervix (IC). Which meant my cervix was low and my baby wanted to come out because it assumed it was time due to the softening of the cervix which should start happening at 36 weeks and not at 20weeks. The doctor said, GRAVITY was my enemy .
I immediately stopped running and for a while blamed myself for what happened to my baby. Why? Because I was running 6 days a week during that pregnancy. Unless otherwise, its advised to continue with usual previous activities during pregnancy but not start them. So because I had been quite fit for 4 years, I continued with the running. After that appointment , I only walked 2 minutes to the bus and some small walks here and there to avoid blood clots. I was thankful that I was not bedridden upside down like most women are, until the remainder of the pregnancy.
After giving birth to my angel , I promised myself that I will not move a muscle when God blessed my womb again. So, apart from light walks, Amirah’s pregnancy was treated with the delicatenes’ of egg’, also because I was high risk of preterm labour. Thankful that she is here and came full term. I remember how I fasted and prayed for Olivia to reach 24 weeks gestation. So you can imagine, when Amirah’ was at 25 weeks, 30 weeks, and then 36 weeks, I was ready for her, in my own way.
The sedentary lifestyle was ok, but it only meant now, I had to squeeze just minutes for popcorn prayers in the daily ‘chaos’ and not my quality alone , uninterrupted time in the early mornings before the ‘world woke up’. Sometimes, it was IJ reminding me “mom, when are we gonna pray?”
I missed it with evvery part of my being. Don’t get me wrong, God doesn’t listen to us when we pray long prayers or judge us by the times we spend with Him. However, in our individual walks with him, each of us knows when it’s time to go for that deep soak in his presence and not the 123 pop up or popcorn prayers.
Deep down, I knew time was coming real soon when I had to get back to those soaking moments. You could get away during the day to spend time with God but when you can hear the daily commotion around you, then you will have distractions. You can still do it during the day but secluded place without responsibilities, where its just you and him.
For me, that’s the early morning 4.30/5am where I sit down read his word, then take it to the streets, listening to Him and praying, sometimes loud at the top of my voice. I love these moments and I missed it si much. But deep down, I knew I would be back by his grace, also because running was emotional for me after all that happened.
Today was the day, I resumed running and early morning street devotion and it was beautiful, I got to soak in my father’s love and presence. I run, stopped, walked, lifted my arms in worship, knelt, cried, even laughed, and it was beautiful.
It’s not just the getting back to physical activity and gaining energy but actually running and not getting emotional about it being or even never being the cause of my loss. It was just having an hour to myself where I am not thinking of anyone or doing something for someone.
My husband says, I have a weakness of not taking time off just to do something for myself like relaxing or chilling, that’s very true. I rather be clearing and organising the house to create a relaxing atmosphere that actually relaxing in it.
However, when I have the morning time to myself and my God, the rest of the day for me is okay. The mornings kind of set the pace for the day and knowing myself, my days are so full and I will only manage popcorn moment prayers. So gaining this is such a big deal for me. It also means, I am moving away from blaming myself for the loss of my daughter. It means, going back to where it all started and taking guilt by its horns.
I pray you are all doing well. My prayer is that you would take whatever fear has brought into your life by the horns, not by your power but by His might. Even if it takes you years or 17 months. God’s time is the best but remember He is already patient with us , so lets not wait too long. Once he has given an okay, move forth in faith. You are never alone.
Happy new year!
Lots of love.
Mama Faith, Hope and Love