I looked at her and judged her. It was not the first time I was judging a fellow mom or woman whom I did not even know.
This past Sunday, I was driving to the supermarket and at the stop-lights, I saw this pregnant woman with her cute bump. I smiled until I saw the cigarette in her hands, then my smile quickly faded. I thought to myself “how could she?”.
I continued on and as I tried to find a parking spot, my eyes locked with this African lady at the entrance of the supermarket. My first impression was, “gorgeous lady with beautiful hair”.I am always fascinated by African hairstyles when I see one, especially here in Maastricht where we have limited hairstylist options.
I walked to the entrance and just before I smiled and nodded my head, she raised her other hand to smoke. It was obvious how quickly my smile faded again. I thought to myself again “Why is she doing that?”. It wasn’t the first time I was seeing a woman smoke, but I think it’s the thought of seeing an African smoke that got to me.
There are so many instances I could mention. One time, I was delivering food to one of the single mothers our church supports, and each time I came in, the kids were either eating plain french fries or candy. She on the other hand was smoking, the house was awful and at that time, she was expecting another child. I thought to myself, if I was the one, I would at least use that little money to cook healthy inexpensive meals.
Why do we do this really? Judge people from our high chairs. The judging continues among mothers or women raising kids. It is like we are in a contest for the best and perfect mom in the world. I do not know where perfect moms exist but I do know that loving moms very much present.
Every mother believes they are doing the best they can for their families and children. If you ask them, they will also tell you that their kids are the best and the most gorgeous. Let’s honest, as outsiders, we are often the ones who see others through the filters of our own standards and that’s when we see their faults and where they fall short.
For example, when I was expecting my eldest daughter, the midwife asked me several times whether I was going to breastfeed. I found it shocking that choosing not to breastfeed was even an option.
Later that year, a friend had a baby and she struggled to breastfeed as she did not have milk, even though she wanted to do it. Another friend had less milk production but the baby had a tied lip so the milk dried up. My younger sister was the same, she did not have milk with her eldest son and tried many things like lactation cookies but nothing worked. With her second born, she had more than plenty and even had to freeze some.
We also hear of mothers who do not wish to breastfeed. One friend of mine also chose not to breastfeed and requested for the medicine to stop the milk production. I could not imagine it!. I thought ” how does a mother with milk refuse to breastfeed her child”?
Fast forward 3 years later when my youngest had the worst case of eczema and I battled with the decision of whether to stop breastfeeding or continue. I was not sure whether it was my milk that she was reacting to and I did not want to see her suffer.
So when I finally made the decision to stop, I wanted a quick fix and I could not handle expressing the milk and pouring it away, so I went to the doctor for the medicine, only to be told that they stopped giving it a few years back. I was crushed!
I now was left with the traditional way of stopping milk production which was not for the faint-hearted. It brought back painful memories of when I was producing so much milk after I had given birth to my angel baby. At that time, I had the milk but no baby to feed it to. But now, I had both the milk and the baby but did not know if my milk was hurting her.
Later on, when the dermatologist found out I had stopped breastfeeding, he was disappointed. So you see, I was the same one who thought I would always breastfeed my kids until the milk ran out on its own but here I was stopping just before six months and was even considering medication.
This is the same thing I judged most mothers for opting for. Producing breast milk is not a given when you have a baby, it is not automatic like we have often imagined and we should not take it for granted. Nowadays I tell pregnant mothers those am close to, “ Please take care of yourself, breastfeed as much, and as long you can or feel comfortable to do and if you do not want to do it, do not beat yourself about it”.
In Dare to Lead, Brené Brown said “I know my life is better when I work from the assumption that everyone is doing the best they can.” When we all believe that each person is doing the best they can, we will choose to be kind and patient with them.
We need to stop judging parents who choose to formula feed their children. We may never know whether they struggled from one lactation class to the other and the numerous lactation cookies they ate like my sister. Bottom line is, we were not there when they were struggling, so who are we to judge.
When my daughter had eczema and cried all night, we had to co-sleep with her for some time so she felt that warmth and was not alone. Before this, I had a list of do’s and do not and co-sleeping was one of the practices I raised my eyebrows for. Nowadays, I say ” make sure baby is safe and no extra blankets and pillows on the bed and you are good to go”.
The same candy I saw the single mother stuff her kids with was the same lollipop my youngest was sucking on at 15 months after her sister had made her taste it and was now was rubbing it in her face refusing to give her. I had vowed not to give her candy until she was in preschool but here I was shouting “ give it to her’’! because, I was making dinner and did not have the time to console a 15-month-old baby who had just tasted candy for the first time and realized this is something we had been keeping from her.
When I had my eldest daughter, I was a busy full-time student and worked 2 jobs but I still vowed to make her healthy home cooked meals. I did this for a year until she could eat with us. When I saw people buying the ready meal jars, I always wondered why they didn’t create time and make food for their kids.
Yesterday during my lunch break, I decided to go get diapers. When I reached the shop, I see ready made meals from this brand I know is good and they have several items on a massive discount. What did I do? I took 20 meals and threw in some exotic fruit jars as well. I walked back to the office proud but also mesmerized by my transformation and how I had changed. What happened to my ‘healthy home made meals’?
I thought loudly. I think the last time I made her own baby food was 6 months ago. Now she either eats with us or I get the baby food the same ones, I could not bring myself to buy whenever we are having french fries or pizza ourselves for dinner.
We all know that not all children are the same, and none is born to the same kind of mother. Each mother has her own sets of skills and character. We have those who are patient, good listeners but we also know those who get angry quickly and those who are overwhelmed and grumpy.
What we miss and fail to know is that the mother who just snapped at her child at the playground or supermarket is usually the calmest mother around. However, on that said day, she lost it due to being up all night with a sick child or because she worrying where the next meal will come from.
I remember when Amirah had extreme eczema and she was up all night scratching until I started putting colored bed sheets on her bed instead of white ones because the white became all red when you picked her up in the morning. For several nights she cried and I also cried with her.
I remember the night when I found myself talking to myself and also shouting at her “ please sleep!” “stop crying, am tired” as if she could understand me. My shouting at her or when I complain about some petty thing that my kids did, does not in any way mean that I do not love my children or that I am not grateful for them.
The same goes for all other women, we are just overstretched, overwhelmed but still very grateful mothers in need of a break. Give us that break and we will be the same ones running home having missed those little rascals.
As a full-time working away from home mom, I need to be gracious to the stay at home mom who was home all day and her home is untidy and kids unkempt. I love to clean and can clean even in my sleep. When I only had one child, I had trouble understanding people with unkempt houses, I thought to myself “do they see the mess”?
For me, cleaning my house came naturally and it was something that had to be done. Fast forward years later, I have a younger daughter who feels like she is in a Montessori setting everywhere she is. She loves picking different items, objects, and toys and dropping them anywhere in the house as she goes around the space. So picking after her becomes a challenging task.
Now my motto is, it can be unkempt with things scattered so long as floors are not sticky. For those staying at home or those at work but with older children, please do not judge those of us who work full-time, away from our kids, or have to leave work early on days the daycare calls us.
We love our kids dearly as well and mummy guilt is already playing the mind game with us. The other areas where we women tend to judge other mothers is regarding discipline and those who choose not to discipline and say ” it is ok, they are just children and will outgrow this behavior”.
Let us also not judge those mothers that choose to breastfeed their toddlers especially in public or have four year old walking with pacifiers in their mouths on the streets as they talk. We do know where they are coming from and who are we to judge them by only having a small preview of that little moment in their life.
In the world now of social media and screen times, we are quick to judge parents who allow lots of screen time to their kids. During schools days, I do not allow TV (cartoon time) in the morning, unless the kids woke up too early. However, on some days, I am running late and I just needed 10 minutes to get ready.
So, what do I do is, I put TV on and tell my eldest to watch the youngest while I got ready and she distracts her. If you walked in, you would wonder “ why are kids watching TV instead of heading to school?’’. However, that is the perfect example of all us, we only have a small window into people’s lives, yet we judge them in full measure.
Let us cut some slack the new mom at the office, who has to leave early each day or miss several days of work because of sick kids while we cover for her. If we only put ourselves in her feet, we would find out that each day after she drops the kids off at daycare, she comes to the office dreading each phone calls he receives, thinking it is the daycare calling her to pick up her kids.
Motherhood is tough and as women and mothers, we need to support each other and not seek recognition for the things we do better than other mothers.
In what ways have you found yourself judging other people? Please share.
Be kind to one another.
Nelly.