Hello Love,
This is a love letter to you, my Angel, on your due date. Now you already know how your mama would have referred to you. This is the same way I refer to your papa and your big sister I-J. Sometimes, I call out “Love,” and both your papa and sister come answering, then I have to say to one of them, “no, not you” ;).
Oooh, where do I start?
My heart is still so fresh with the events that shook our lives the days leading up to your demise. I still remember the overwhelming sadness that filled and pierced into my spirit. Since then, I have had to remind myself repeatedly that it is an unfortunate reality and not a dream.
I have always been numb to emotions, but since your passing, I have tried to allow myself to feel, and for the first time in my life, I have let my emotion guard down. This week has been especially hard with today being your due date, the holidays knocking, and me starting work full-time from this week.
I want to tell you that I prayed for you, and even though you had to go, we still love you. It is a bittersweet feeling that your going was a way to save your mama’s life. You are now in the arms of our father and know no pain. He loves you so much, and you are His masterpiece. All in all, it has been 16weeks now, and all of us are really just trying to find the new normal without you in it. The holidays are here, and everything we had pictured with you included has to be different now.
Papa was inspired by how life is short and that we need to do what we want to do right now and not tomorrow. So he has put off his job for one year and is back to school ~programming stuff; he has made IJ interested too. I’m not sure if you would be part of the coding gang, too, but I am sure he counted on it.
I-J is doing great and really adores you, she is always telling her friends about you, and none of her drawings ever misses you being in them. She always draws you like an angel or just your footprints. In the beginning, she was so upset when we broke the news to her that her little sister wasn’t coming home to her.
She still misses you. When she talks, you can see the sadness in her eyes, but she doesn’t dwell on it. Instead, she shows your pictures off to guests and talks about you with great pride.
After your birth and passing on the 6th, we spent some time with you in the hospital and made lovely pictures of us as a family~ I will always cherish these moments. On Tuesday the 7th, we left the hospital on my birthday and left you behind for a few days just until Friday when we would come to say our final goodbyes.
I remember going back to the maternity wardrooms, and memories of how everyone fought for you to stay in my womb a little longer became so vivid. I didn’t know how I would react going back to where it all happened and seeing you again. Papa and I spent some time with you; I said a small prayer when it was just you and I. I told you for the second time how sorry I was.
Seeing you again reminded me of the despair that had already hit my heart. Even in the despair, I had some peace knowing that you went to heaven so peacefully even though my body was under a storm. Instead of going home with you, we left with your blankets and had to leave you behind, this time forever.
We gave the hospital permission to give you a final sendoff with the other angels who never went home with their parents. We recently received a letter with the location we can visit, but we still have not done that. For us, your presence in our hearts is much stronger than the physical location.
Losing you strike me, I miss you, and I wish I had the opportunity to whisper in your ear again and tell you a secret like I always do with your sister. Only this time, I wish you would smile back after hearing the secret~ that “mummy loves you.” Your sister always responds, “Mom! that’s not a secret” :).
My love, there is so much more that I wanted to whisper and tell you, but I couldn’t find the words as my world shook.
My dear Olivia Amali Ibis, I want you to know that you are loved, you will know no pain, Christ’s pure love surrounds you. I miss and think about you each day.
I imagine the nights I would have put you to bed, and you would have negotiated for more bedtime stories like your sister still does ;). Sometimes, my mind goes through a tug of war where I have many ‘what ifs.’ I am sorry that it was out of my control to keep you here; since we trust in the one who knows it all, we don’t have to pull out our hair.
We can trust in His faithful promises and walk in the confident trust that He has already given us all we need for this life ~ His son.
I know God has greater plans for you as an angel and for us as a family, and we continue being his stewards until the day we meet again. Thank you for teaching me to value what is important. Please remind me to say more yes to fun and adventure with your papa and sister and enjoy life.
Thank you for showing me what courage and vulnerability should look like. Thank you for the incredible memories that we were able to take with you, be it when you were in my tummy or the day you were born, and we got to spend some time with you.
These memories will last forever, and though I am sad for losing you, I am thankful that you were mine and will always be. I am thankful that your life, though small, has made an impact on my life. I pray that your story will continue to impact many, and our lives will be used by God to bring hope to those who hear your story ~our story.
I won’t hide the fact that our lives seem to be empty in the sadness and tears, and we miss your addition to making us a family of four. However, we thank God for His new mercies and grace that has helped us focus on life itself as a gift and what you have made us become.
I know we have all become different people since your birth, especially me. A part of me died the day you passed, but I pray that I will one day sing; it is well with my soul.
I pray that one day, I will tell you that everything is okay and that we have found our new normal. I know your papa and IJ have better than I. I guess it is legit that as your mama, I still feel this way. I carried you in my womb, and you were snatched away from my body without warning.
My body is empty without you, but my heart is full of your love. I know time will heal my heart, but nothing will ever take you out of your mama’s heart. That’s the special bond between a mom and her kids, both angels or living.
Some days are deficient, and I suffer from within.
Sometimes when it is overwhelming, it comes out in petty tensions among us as a family. However, we are still learning to accommodate our new selves and always open up about our emotions~ I am still the culprit here.
In the hard times and good days, we are incredibly grateful for friends and family both near and far who have made these last weeks, especially November, a bit easier through texts, words of affirmation, encouragement, and prayers.
Even in the sadness, I want to assure you that you were a gift to us, and you mattered.
You are precious, and we will miss seeing you growing up. We were ecstatic when we found out that we were expecting you, and we were all looking forward to officially meeting you when the time was right.
Thank you for the lessons your birth/passing has taught me. I am also thankful for the life lessons that you have taught me. I see life differently now and am learning each day to prioritize what needs to be prioritized and not focus on petty issues.
Though I have changed, I pray I have become or still in the process of becoming a better person, wife to papa, mama to your big sister, and a daughter of the highest King using my God-given talents and being Christ-like.
You have been the check meter that helps me continue looking up to God. In the moments I am low or feel like I need assurance from man, I know it’s my call to look up to God.
I don’t have to tell you again how loved you are and that you are God’s masterpiece. I am sure you know that already and are experiencing it better than I can tell you. You were a gift to us, and now God had to take you back to Himself, and we will find the new normal in that.
God has a plan for us, and this perfect plan will be revealed when we meet again and at His appointed time.
I miss you love.
May you rest in peace and know that you will always have a special place in our hearts.
“I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD” (1 Samuel 27-28).
Lots of love.
Mama.