There are so many opinions surrounding why children born after a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss are reffered to as ~ Rainbows. Many mothers have lost 1st borns and then gone to lose the next baby(s). So for them, how do they refer to the baby that follows if and when they are blessed with one? For many others , it has brought encouragement and made parents open up and share their grief and loss stories and the babies that followed. A rainbow term for their baby offers peace, hope and a promise that is here or is to come. For some, they do not want to refer to their babies as rainbows because to them, it only means that their angel baby therefore becomes the storm, and for them, they are not the storm but came during a storm.
For me, Amirah, came at a time when everything around me was dark just like how the storm clouds rage in darkness. I introduced her in a previous post as our rainbow miracle, just like what the rainbow symbolized in the bible. To me, she was a true symbol of God’s faithfulness which He gives and continues to show, as He promises to take care of us and protect us during and after the storm. The storm might end but there will surely be stormy clouds hovering around ready to discourage us. However, we must not lose hope because the promise keeper is a good father and blesses like one. To me, she’s my rainbow miracle and here is a letter I wrote for her 1st birthday.
Letter to my baby
Oooh, where do I start! The 1st time I introduced you, I spent more time talking about your angel sister Olivia. However, today is your day and I promised myself that I will only talk about you . But I am torn, how can my my heart be sad yet grateful at the same time. It is amazing and still mind-blowing how sadness, grief and abundant gratitude can be in one basket. I am now convinced that what is required is a balance of each so that joy can be felt.
Its your 1st birthday and I look at you in your papa’s arms and your proud big sister next to you helping you blow out the candle. My mind immediately strays and thinks about your angel sister Olivia and how she would be next to you as well. I then feel the emptiness and her absence is very evident. For a moment, I wanted something that I could not have but within moments , I quickly was back present in the moment and your smile made me count my blessings.
I do not know if you would have been here if Olivia were to be here now. What I know is that you are here now, not to ever replace her but to tell my heart that it can love again and for sure you are doing a great job in this. Amirah, I would like to say how sorry I am for the times I was looking for your angel sister in your eyes. Going forward, though the storm clouds may hover around my heart and make me feel the despair, I promise that I will not let it overwhelm me. One thing the experience with your sister Olivia taught me is that yes, the despair and sadness will ways exist but I can not push them away to the point of them being nonexistent . All I can do is cultivate a lifestyle of gratitude, as the rest I may never understand and that’s ok.
I have come a long way but for sure I am a better student now in this class that teaches how to grieve and love at the same time. The lessons are far from over and haven’t been easy either, because losing your sister has changed me forever. Even if you would have come many years after Olivia, I would still grieve her loss and love you at the same time. It is just a contrast we will have to live with and take it as a beautiful journey. You are here and my heart is full of love for you. Loving you has opened a new self in me. I am able to express my positive emotions more openly and I am even saying many yes(s) to you and your sister more and more. I love you my Pendo.
When we found out we were expecting you, we especially, I had not had the time to digest everything that had happened with your sister Olivia and how her arrival almost cost my life. So the 40 weeks of you in my stomach were filled with worry, fear, and anxiety but in the midst of them all, hope endured. During that time, I was grieving but fully grateful for the miracle of carrying you. When you were born and were handed to me, I held you tightly but could not stop crying for about 10 minutes or so.
With your big sister, Imani-Jane (Faith-God is gracious), she came out and I immediately was in prayer mode, I was praying and saying ‘Thank you Lord’’X 100 ;). With your angel sister Olivia Amali (Hope), I had battled everything to keep her and now in the final battle arena, I felt like I had lost everything including myself. So when she came rushing out, I just sobbed silently with tears pouring down my face and made no sound until much later when I broke down. Now with you, it was like a tear-packed worship service with no words except those plainly written in my heart to God. I have heard of those who are filled with Holy Spirit and start laughing uncontrollably, in your case I was crying but because of shock and deep hurt.
In those early weeks and months, I had also just discovered that I too have emotions and I am allowed to feel them, understand them and express them as raw and polished as they come. So, time and time again, after your birth I would shut down, open my suitcase of raw emotions so I could get a glimpse of how they looked on that specific day or season. I would allow myself to feel them and express them later on or immediately. To be honest, I might have taken too long inside the suitcase on many occasions which led to me not welcoming you fully and I apologize for this. It’s like I was afraid, I don’t even know why and this led to me not introduce your arrival to loved ones for a long time. In my heart, I wanted to welcome you fully 1st to myself and only then show you to everyone. Your papa had to take this introduction role in the 1st months.
All went well in the 1st few weeks but all broke loose again when you were diagnosed with extreme eczema. To be honest, those months have gone to be very traumatizing for us. Seeing you scratch and ache in pain and with nothing we could do, broke our hearts and still do when eczema re-surfaces time and time again. Each time you cry now, it’s like something is triggered in my brain and I freeze. I want that pain you are feeling to freeze as well. Being in a dark place emotionally coupled with sleep deprivation made me vulnerable to many things in a negative way and I am sorry it did not bring out the best in me. Growing up, I had no time to feel any emotions. Therefore, I put up walls so heavy and thick to protect my mind and heart. Previously, I absolutely would never put myself in a position of vulnerability, I was always fully on guard.
One thing I recently realized when I told a colleague that you were almost one was that I was so focused on making you comfortable and taking care of eczema that I most of the time missed watching you grow. When we spent time together, I was always alert just so you don’t scratch. I never really let go and it’s something I am learning seeing how you are growing now and how thankful the eczema is getting better. We still have a long way to go but definitely, further away from where we have come from, and for that, I am deeply grateful. Amirah, I will say this, you are a very strong girl and I know you get this from your mama and Oma-Kenya.
My princess Amirah, when you were born, I said many blessings over you and one was because of your middle name Godelieve (God’s love) which is your late sweet Oma’s name. Like I declared that day, may you not just be a beautiful princess with your beauty, but may you heal hearts and love selflessly. May you live to your Oma’s legacy and may God’s love just like your name, shine through you to other people so that they may see Christ in you as the living hope of glory and this may cause them to glorify God.
I was crying up to here, but now am smiling silly when I think about how intentional we are with the names we have given both your sisters and yourself and how God seals them with His mark like a prayer. My love, you now obviously know that I have loved other children before you and you came at a time when my heart had been crushed and I was sure to my ‘standards’, that there wasn’t any chance I was able to have any love left to love again.
After your big sister, I loved your angel sister very much but did not get a chance to bring her home and my heart was in pain. But, I was very wrong about my heart’s love capacity. Despite our rough start and my fear of loving you, my heart was fully capable and also ready to love you. I loved you before you were put in my arms and the crying when you were born, was all my fears melting away and my heart receiving you wholeheartedly. You are my rainbow miracle and beautiful addition to the Ibis family.
Amirah, you are a courageous girl and such a delight. You have filled our hearts with so much joy and cheer, we had no idea we were living in deficit. Your big sister keeps saying ‘’ I can’t believe she is here/ I am so happy she is here with me/ she makes me so happy’’. Each time she says this, I always feel a lump in my throat and happy tearful eyes. I won’t even talk about how you make your papa feel, I see it in his eyes and it makes me love him even more. I already warned him that you are mine because he already has I-J ;).
We have passed through fire as a family but having you and your sister is the bond that has kept us strong and given us hope. I only started saying ‘I love you’ 12 years ago when I met your papa but in the last one year, I have said so many ‘I love you’s to you and your sister that compensates for those many years I didn’t express it. Thank you for teaching us the basics like letting go of petty things in order to enjoy the present beauty life brings.
Amirah Godelieve Zahara Ibis, you know to me you are ‘ Pendo’ and ‘Mama’ because you gonna love like a Mama. May you grow up to know that you are loved deeply and beyond measure, just like you have loved us and continue to do. You are a gift to us and a reminder from our heavy father that our broken hearts were very much capable of loving again. God brought you into our lives to heal our broken hearts at His beautiful time.
Happy 1st birthday Amirah. May you continue bouncing God’s love around the room and the world.
Love mama.