Living through trauma | No Fear, Just Hope

A LETTER TO MY RAINBOW BABY ON YOUR 1ST BIRTHDAY.

July 10, 2020

There are so many opinions surrounding why children born after a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss are reffered to as ~ Rainbows. Many mothers have lost 1st borns and then gone to lose the next baby(s). So for them, how do they refer to the baby that follows if and when they are blessed with one? For many others , it has brought encouragement and made parents open up and share their grief and loss stories and the babies that followed. A rainbow term for their baby offers peace, hope and a promise that is here or is to come. For some, they do not want to refer to their babies as rainbows because to them, it only means that their angel baby therefore becomes the storm, and for them, they are not the storm but came during a storm.

For me, Amirah, came at a time when everything around me was dark just like how the storm clouds rage in darkness. I introduced her in a previous post as our rainbow miracle, just like what the rainbow symbolized in the bible. To me, she was a true symbol of God’s faithfulness which He gives and continues to show, as He promises to take care of us and protect us during and after the storm. The storm might end but there will surely be stormy clouds hovering around ready to discourage us. However, we must not lose hope because the promise keeper is a good father and blesses like one. To me, she’s my rainbow miracle and here is a letter I wrote for her 1st birthday.

Letter to my baby

Oooh, where do I start! The 1st time I introduced you, I spent more time talking about your angel sister Olivia. However, today is your day and I promised myself that I will only talk about you . But I am torn, how can my my heart be sad yet grateful at the same time. It is amazing and still mind-blowing how sadness, grief and abundant gratitude can be in one basket. I am now convinced that what is required is a balance of each so that joy can be felt.

Its your 1st birthday and I look at you in your papa’s arms and your proud big sister next to you helping you blow out the candle. My mind immediately strays and thinks about your angel sister Olivia and how she would be next to you as well. I then feel the emptiness and her absence is very evident. For a moment, I wanted something that I could not have but within moments , I quickly was back present in the moment and your smile made me count my blessings.

I do not know if you would have been here if Olivia were to be here now. What I know is that you are here now, not to ever replace her but to tell my heart that it can love again and for sure you are doing a great job in this. Amirah, I would like to say how sorry I am for the times I was looking for your angel sister in your eyes. Going forward, though the storm clouds may hover around my heart and make me feel the despair, I promise that I will not let it overwhelm me. One thing the experience with your sister Olivia taught me is that yes, the despair and sadness will ways exist but I can not push them away to the point of them being nonexistent . All I can do is cultivate a lifestyle of gratitude, as the rest I may never understand and that’s ok.

I have come a long way but for sure I am a better student now in this class that teaches how to grieve and love at the same time. The lessons are far from over and haven’t been easy either, because losing your sister has changed me forever. Even if you would have come many years after Olivia, I would still grieve her loss and love you at the same time. It is just a contrast we will have to live with and take it as a beautiful journey. You are here and my heart is full of love for you. Loving you has opened a new self in me. I am able to express my positive emotions more openly and I am even saying many yes(s) to you and your sister more and more. I love you my Pendo.

When we found out we were expecting you, we especially, I had not had the time to digest everything that had happened with your sister Olivia and how her arrival almost cost my life. So the 40 weeks of you in my stomach were filled with worry, fear, and anxiety but in the midst of them all, hope endured. During that time, I was grieving but fully grateful for the miracle of carrying you. When you were born and were handed to me, I held you tightly but could not stop crying for about 10 minutes or so.

With your big sister, Imani-Jane (Faith-God is gracious), she came out and I immediately was in prayer mode, I was praying and saying ‘Thank you Lord’’X 100 ;). With your angel sister Olivia Amali (Hope), I had battled everything to keep her and now in the final battle arena, I felt like I had lost everything including myself. So when she came rushing out, I just sobbed silently with tears pouring down my face and made no sound until much later when I broke down. Now with you, it was like a tear-packed worship service with no words except those plainly written in my heart to God. I have heard of those who are filled with Holy Spirit and start laughing uncontrollably, in your case I was crying but because of shock and deep hurt.

In those early weeks and months, I had also just discovered that I too have emotions and I am allowed to feel them, understand them and express them as raw and polished as they come. So, time and time again, after your birth I would shut down, open my suitcase of raw emotions so I could get a glimpse of how they looked on that specific day or season. I would allow myself to feel them and express them later on or immediately. To be honest, I might have taken too long inside the suitcase on many occasions which led to me not welcoming you fully and I apologize for this. It’s like I was afraid, I don’t even know why and this led to me not introduce your arrival to loved ones for a long time. In my heart, I wanted to welcome you fully 1st to myself and only then show you to everyone. Your papa had to take this introduction role in the 1st months.

All went well in the 1st few weeks but all broke loose again when you were diagnosed with extreme eczema. To be honest, those months have gone to be very traumatizing for us. Seeing you scratch and ache in pain and with nothing we could do, broke our hearts and still do when eczema re-surfaces time and time again. Each time you cry now, it’s like something is triggered in my brain and I freeze. I want that pain you are feeling to freeze as well. Being in a dark place emotionally coupled with sleep deprivation made me vulnerable to many things in a negative way and I am sorry it did not bring out the best in me. Growing up, I had no time to feel any emotions. Therefore, I put up walls so heavy and thick to protect my mind and heart. Previously, I absolutely would never put myself in a position of vulnerability, I was always fully on guard.

One thing I recently realized when I told a colleague that you were almost one was that I was so focused on making you comfortable and taking care of eczema that I most of the time missed watching you grow. When we spent time together, I was always alert just so you don’t scratch. I never really let go and it’s something I am learning seeing how you are growing now and how thankful the eczema is getting better. We still have a long way to go but definitely, further away from where we have come from, and for that, I am deeply grateful. Amirah, I will say this, you are a very strong girl and I know you get this from your mama and Oma-Kenya.

My princess Amirah, when you were born, I said many blessings over you and one was because of your middle name Godelieve (God’s love) which is your late sweet Oma’s name. Like I declared that day, may you not just be a beautiful princess with your beauty, but may you heal hearts and love selflessly. May you live to your Oma’s legacy and may God’s love just like your name, shine through you to other people so that they may see Christ in you as the living hope of glory and this may cause them to glorify God.

I was crying up to here, but now am smiling silly when I think about how intentional we are with the names we have given both your sisters and yourself and how God seals them with His mark like a prayer. My love, you now obviously know that I have loved other children before you and you came at a time when my heart had been crushed and I was sure to my ‘standards’, that there wasn’t any chance I was able to have any love left to love again.

After your big sister, I loved your angel sister very much but did not get a chance to bring her home and my heart was in pain. But, I was very wrong about my heart’s love capacity. Despite our rough start and my fear of loving you, my heart was fully capable and also ready to love you. I loved you before you were put in my arms and the crying when you were born, was all my fears melting away and my heart receiving you wholeheartedly. You are my rainbow miracle and beautiful addition to the Ibis family.

Amirah, you are a courageous girl and such a delight. You have filled our hearts with so much joy and cheer, we had no idea we were living in deficit. Your big sister keeps saying ‘’ I can’t believe she is here/ I am so happy she is here with me/ she makes me so happy’’. Each time she says this, I always feel a lump in my throat and happy tearful eyes. I won’t even talk about how you make your papa feel, I see it in his eyes and it makes me love him even more. I already warned him that you are mine because he already has I-J ;).

We have passed through fire as a family but having you and your sister is the bond that has kept us strong and given us hope. I only started saying ‘I love you’ 12 years ago when I met your papa but in the last one year, I have said so many ‘I love you’s to you and your sister that compensates for those many years I didn’t express it. Thank you for teaching us the basics like letting go of petty things in order to enjoy the present beauty life brings.

Amirah Godelieve Zahara Ibis, you know to me you are ‘ Pendo’ and ‘Mama’ because you gonna love like a Mama. May you grow up to know that you are loved deeply and beyond measure, just like you have loved us and continue to do. You are a gift to us and a reminder from our heavy father that our broken hearts were very much capable of loving again. God brought you into our lives to heal our broken hearts at His beautiful time.

Happy 1st birthday Amirah. May you continue bouncing God’s love around the room and the world.

Love mama.

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Grief & Loss

Re-living My Loss Trauma ~ What really happened?

November 9, 2018

Holiday in 3….2…..1 Not!

I decided to take my mind back to those terror filled days.

Friday 27th July was my last day at work. I finalized my tasks and managed to hand over my work to my colleagues until when I would resume.

At the end of the day, Eyup and I-J picked me up from work and the excitement to the three week holiday couldn’t be hidden. Our first stop was the supermarket for a final grocery shopping, as we had organized a backyard boutique event for Angaza the next day in our garden and I still needed to make delicious Samosas.

After having dinner and after making the samosa fillings , I decided to take a break while the samosa fillings cooled off. During this time, I felt an urge to pee, went to the toilet and let’s just say that, that toilet visit was the beginning of what shook our world. Instead of just peeing, drops of blood filled the toilet seat and I could feel my baby literally falling out of me. The last thing a pregnant woman wants to see is blood.

Some back information :

* At the 20 weeks anatomy scan, I was found to have a shortened cervix and IC as well as Placenta Previa. (read more about IC and Placenta Previa on my previous post).
* Before that scan, I was running 3-6km almost every weekday and sometimes a 10km in the weekend.
* I stopped running after that 20week scan because when you have IC, apparently, gravity is your number one enemy. #guiltfeelings.

So the bleeding and bulging membranes was about 2weeks after the anatomy scan.

In the toilet, I immediately screamed for Eyup at the same time talked to God (ok more like yelling at him…) I kept on repeating ‘’This can not happen God, ooh God, but you got this God’’.

There’s something about the speed of how a husband rushes to his wife screaming his name in terror. I think from the living room , he sensed the terror in my voice and literally came ‘flying’. The next thing I-J comes following him and right then my mama bear instincts came in and I ask Eyup to distract her not to see the white tiles in the toilet which were now red. So, he manages to send her upstairs and after looking for the midwives number for a minute (which felt like an eternity) we call the midwife who thank God was at our house in less than 6minutes.

At this time, I had managed to drag myself with my knees together in fear of baby falling out and went to the couch. The midwife examined me and saw that the membranes had moved up a little and asked that we go immediately to the hospital which she had also called and informed them that we might be going and they should get ready.

I was admitted on that night and that was the beginning of both major rollercoasters and victories we have ever encountered. The gyn- surgeon was called and they gave us the options below.

1. ‘Wait and see’ Approach ~ they do nothing on my cervix apart from ‘wait and see and hope’ that it resumes back and baby stays intact until full term. (There are many success stories from this)
2. Place the cerclage and close my cervix . (..Since this was going to be an emergency cerclage and not a preventive one which is usually done at 11-14weeks, there is a lot that could go wrong.
1. My body could reject it and I would still go into pre-term labour.
2. I could get an infection and my life would be in danger, leave alone the baby’s.
3. General complications that could go on as this was surgery like any other. which has risk of complications.
4. Complications on the baby due to the anesthesia at that time of Olivia’s gestation.
5. Choice to go on with the pregnancy (In other words terminate).

All this time they were talking, I was praying and begging God to save my baby’s life and guide our next decision.

With all these options on the table, they left the room and gave us time to decide. We could not believe that our daughter’s life was at stake and our decision that night would play a big part in what could happen next. We decided to go for the cerclage as this was in one way giving her chance of survival. I again silently prayed and asked God to fight for us with this song in my mind. (Michael Farren ~ Fighting for us).

You never close Your eyes
You’ve never been surprised
Whatever war may rise
You’re fighting for us
You move with holy rage
In all Your miraculous ways
We simply stand here amazed
‘Cause You’re fighting for us, fighting for us!

[Chorus 2]
You won’t hold back when it comes to Your children
You fiercely defend us ’til we stand delivered
You’re fighting for us, always fighting for us
You don’t back down facing armies of thousands
You speak one word and they scatter around us
You’re fighting for us, always fighting for us!

I was asked not to eat anything to prepare for the surgery next day~ Saturday. That Saturday evening, I was rolled into the OR ready for surgery. Since I work in the medical devices industry, the same innovative devices and equipments I talk about at my work each day were going to be used on me, I found that interesting and somehow cool . God has blessed me with good health that ever since I was born in the hospital 33 years ago, I never went back again until I had our 1st daughter IJ.

Before, the surgery, the surgeon approached me and told me ‘’ I can’t promise you that I will be able to close the cervix as the membranes were pretty ruptured and I might not have any ‘tissue’ to suture on but I will try’’. Just then, when they wee going through the control checks and someone said ‘’lights!!, its as like I was in a movie with the bright light on my face. I closed my eyes and invited God in the OR and asked him to take charge and to provide ‘space for the suture to be placed’.

During the operation, being on local anesthesia one other doctor kept me occupied, we talked about Kenya , our faith and I talked about what “Hope’’ means for us. I then realized it has been a few minutes and I ask the doctor if the surgeon found tissue for the suture of which she responds ‘’ yes, she did, she’s almost done and is closing up!’’.

Immediately , I start sobbing and thanking God in my heart for this victory and for me, the hope that we would meet Olivia when the time was right was so alive at that time. I then start envisioning the next goals ~ 24 weeks, 30 weeks, new born baby Olivia as I can now see them as a reality because of the successful surgery.

The surgeon approaches me again and says ‘’It was really complicated but I managed to find space and some tissue to hold the cervix and I closed it very well, the suture is pretty tight but we will need to keep you here as the next days are crucial” . I held her hand tightly, looked her in the face and thanked her from the bottom of my heart. I was then rolled into the recovery room for my for my lower body to wear off the anesthesia.

Prior to the surgery, we had been told that it usually take about 45 minutes. However, since my case was ‘complicated’ as they kept on saying, it took about an hour and half and another hour for my legs to ‘wake up’ . The look my husband had when he came to meet me at the recovery room was one I will not forget.

That’s when I realized that all this time, I was in surgery and recovery, Eyup was waiting not knowing what was going on. I was only allowed to go back to my room or he allowed to see me once my legs woke and I could pee on my own. #whatALuxuryToPeeOnYourOwn. #NotForGranted.

I can only imagine what it must have felt for my husband to wait back in the room for me not knowing what was happening , why it had taken long and whether I was going to make it back. That night, we were again hopeful that we had given our daughter a chance and we could be excited of the day we would finally hold her in our arms (on her due date) and bring her home. Eyup took me to the room and before he went home, the Doctors came and repeated why it was crucial for me to stay put at the hospital.

Rollercoaster and victories going forward :

* So as mentioned above, Friday was admission and surgery done on Saturday

* Sunday 29th July~ started continued on antibiotics and indomethacin ( ‘keeps the uterus calm’). The catheter was also removed. Thank God for normal peeing privilege .

* Monday night 30th July ~ Am trying to fall asleep when about four doctors who look worried come rushing to my bedside. They say how concerned they are about the high infection parameters in my blood and say that I was literally a ticking time bomb and my life was in danger.

I immediately called Eyup an since it was about 10pm, he had to call his parents who live about twenty minutes away just across the border. His dad came in no time and picked IJ. So thankful for the support from family and friends. When Eyup arrived, I share the news with him, then we prayed and held our hands for long (just like the day we 1st met (Story for another day 😉 and spoke encouragement and hope into the situation .

* In those moments of uncertainity , I went to bed in prayer and gave my body to God. I was reminded of Ps 112: 1 & 7. Praise the Lord. Blessed are those who fear the Lord, who find great delight in his commands.They will have no fear of bad news;their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.

* Tuesday 31st July~ Blood parameters are stable. My family surprises me with Belgian fries and goulash for dinner. (I boycotted hospital dinner that day .

* Wednesday 1st August~ Started the day hopeful, I had just finished praying for my neighbor and gotten back to my bed when I started bleeding. Our world is shaken again.

* The doctors can not tell where the blood is coming from. The doctors say they can not decide anything now but if bleeding continues, they would have to remove the cerclage and that could mean going into labour but less chances for them to do anything for Olivia as she wasn’t viable (24weeks)for their hospital yet.

* Thursday 2nd August~ thankful for new day and new victories. Then, I start experiencing uncomfortable pushing and pulling of my uterus but no active bleeding.

* Friday 3rd August~ Thursday night leading to Friday was not pleasant. I had painful cramps and the ‘famous Dutch’ paracetamol helped a bit. I was then added some Indomethacin to control the uterus and ‘keep it clam’.

* Saturday 4th August~ I vomitted for the second time in my 33 years and that was the beginning of what I called “ BLEEDING DAY!.
* – That day, our pastor and some church leaders came to visit and when they asked what to pray for , I said “let us pray for fever” sounds harsh right?

* – For me, having fever, would enable the doctors decide. All this time, they had been telling me “ we do not know what to do now, we are going to meet tomorrow with more specialists and research , then we will come back to you” or “ we are giving you the indomethacin because you have no fever, but if you would have fever, we would have to stop it right away as the combination of fever and blood infection parameters will be ugly’’.

* That is why I asked God for fever and for the 1st time in my life again, I had fever that night and all the nurses came running to my room after Eyup noticed that I was shivering. I knew God would reveal himself and answer that prayer but when it actually happened, I experienced His heart. We kept on talking about it and even laughed . The doctors finally had the reason to stop the Indocid.

* Sunday 5th August~ Infection parameters were stable , no bleeding just small clots here and there. Since, the hospital is near our church location, I had some friends visit me. We were laughing so hard until we had to close the doors. I had a headache from all the laughter and my jaws were literally hurting . This was one of the best days in the hospital and I will end here.

In all the chaos from that day and till Sunday, everyone, including the doctors , were astonished that Olivia was perfect and continued to survive and move like nothing was wrong around her. No man made theories or explanations, because while the conditions around her continued to worsen, she was active like always and continued to beat the odds.

Love Always.
Nelly.

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