Olivia’s passing was tragic and traumatizing and it changed me and how I view or even live my life completely. Joan Didion notes, “When we mourn our losses we also mourn, for better or for worse, ourselves. As we were. As we are no longer. As we will one day not be at all.”
Before this experience, I can vouch how I would always be the one taking the initiative of checking in on friends and family by either calling, texting or inviting them to dinner etc. However after August 6th, I literally went undercover, and those who knew knew.
I ‘hid’ myself from everyone as I wanted to process this alone and finally give myself some attention. I mean, that’s how I was brought up – bundle up feelings and deal with them yourself and not telling anyone how you really are feeling or rather doing.
My husband always emphasizes how I need to stop for once and at least think about myself, as am always pouring out and never saying no – always jumping at every opportunity to be there for people. Well, one can not pour from an empty cup.
Without realising or with the intention to, I had reached that empty point. I guess I took his advice and became ‘selfish’. Which I shouldn’t continue to apologize for as it was justified – I was struggling even with vital tasks like eating, sleeping or even loving on my family.
I longed for time to either rewind so that the doctors could figure out something that could save Olivia. I longed to fast forward time so that the unbearable sadness would be endurable.
Nevertheless, I am so grateful for friends and family both near and far who continued to check on me and those who took the role of ‘stalking’ and wrote simple messages like ‘ am praying for you’ and so on.
Anyway, today marks Olivia’s 1st heavenly birthday and it also signifies that I have survived one year without her and we as a family have also grown in how we talk about her ~with less anger and sadness but with so much pride and gratitude that she gets to be part of our lives. We took a family trip out of town just to get away and have a change of scenery. Am sitting here on the balcony at 4am wondering what to write but the coming morning makes me realize what to think about.
It doesn’t always stay like this, as we occasionally have those moments of re-emerging sadness or where IJ starts to cry out of the blues only for us to ask her what’s wrong and she says ” I wish that Olivia and Oma were alive , I miss them, why did they have to die”. It doesn’t matter how hopeful, full of faith or happy I woke up that day, but such statements from her, paralyze me.
How does a 6 year old, bear such grief already at her age. I will write about how IJ has dealt with all this till now at a different post, but all in all , she has done really well. Actually better than me in how she channels her emotions. She came from anger (even refusing the last pregnancy to now pride of being a big sister to 2 other siblings. She gets to include Olivia in all drawings she makes).
One may think, why is Nelly still talking about grief? Is she not over it yet? Like please!!! Enough already, we are also grieving!! Yes! You are right, but the experience is part of me and what has made me today. Though I write about my grief, am thankful that I am not engulfed by it and that I live in the light and no longer in the darkness I was this time last year.
So how does grief look like one year later at the Ibis house?
Grief is painful and ugly and there will be days when you really wonder how and whether you are going to survive it. But one thing I have learned this past year is, if we open up and allow our hearts to feel every nitty gritty details of the grief while opening up to receive love from those around, progress will be evident, healing will come and hopefully one day we can say ” it is well with our souls”.
It is important to create time and space to let the reality of death sink in our hearts and be reminded about our loved ones. We should not avoid the departed from our lives, like the world does. Where people think it’s ‘spooky’ to talk about them. I know for sure that talking about Olivia and adding her to conversations has really helped in my healing journey.
The downside of avoiding bringing up the departed in our lives or conversatios, is that, the grief process and journey is messed up with since you are removing the constant out of the equation.
I also learned that we need our clans and tribes during these times. Friends who continuously checking in, visiting from far away, offering to support at home with cleaning and meal preparations etc. I remember talking about how our church family, friends and family have been a great source of support for us and they continue to be one year later.
The support is always so timely. It doesn’t mean forcing yourself to be with people, as grief is mostly a lonely journey but it just means that you will not feel alone in all these moments of grief.
Another thing, grief is exhausting and as life goes on, with having to go back to work or caring for the family etc. Life can still be confusing and you will find yourself always tired. Joan Didion puts it like this “..Grief is different. Grief has no distance. Grief comes in waves, paroxysms, sudden apprehensions that weaken the knees and blind the eyes and obliterate the dailiness of life.”
This is when you realise grief needs time and space. That’s why I am so grateful for the months I was able to stay home from work and just be! With no expectations other than just to get better to rejoin the ‘normal community’.
Finally, even in moments of darkness at night, we are promised of the coming morning/sunrise. With one challenge we face, there are still a ten thousand reasons to bless the Lord.
Therefore, I have learned to fully hold dear life’s joys. Through grief, I have learned not to take life’s mercies for granted and to cherish all moments shared with loved ones both near and far.
Last year on this day, I lost my baby, almost lost my life but came out victorious – with a fullfiled testimony of celebrating my birthday the next day, I am thankful for life and have come to realize that we humans like drama and complaining about petty issues. Which thankfully, my experience has made me outgrow all this.
To me, I will shamelessly put it this way, I absolutely do not care about those time wasting issues- we all know them. You will not find me chasing after meaningless things. I will no longer try to please people by saying yes to everything or fit in other people’s expectations. What I want more than anything, is to pray that my life is and I live aligns with God’s will and purpose.
Everything else falls short and life is too short focusing on them. Don’t get me wrong, pleasing people guided by our own selfish agenda is different from being called and led by the Holly Spirit to serve those we are called to. For this, I will continue to seek God’s guidance in leading me to have a balance in being both a Mary and a Martha. Where I can still soak in His presence and faithfully ‘leak’ by serving as his disciple in the areas He has called me.
To you who is dreading a loss anniversary, know that you are able to finally live above your grief and it not engulfing you the unhealthy way.
Know that, years later, you will still talk about grief, but in a different way and from a place of hope and peace. Know that, grief will always linger on and though it may drag you to that solitary place of darkness at the time when the loss happened, know that this will only be for a moment and you will see the morning again. Psalms 30: 5b “…weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning..”
Wishing you all a nice day.
We are headed to celebrate Olivia as a family today.
Much love.
Nelly