I can’t believe that it has been exactly 12 weeks of me being home. I left work 12 weeks ago for what seemed to be a 3 week summer holiday only for me to end up being admitted on that same day and that is how I started my summer holiday in the hospital.
At 8.30 am today, I will be sitting in my office and trying to fit right back in the corporate business environment. I am not sure how the day will go or how my emotions will be when I get to work on the same thing I worked on just before I left work 12 weeks ago. I am not the same person I was 12weeks ago, because 12 weeks ago, I was sitting in that same office and feeling my baby move.
The last projects I worked on were with my hands rubbing my bump and my baby inside me. So going back in a way feels weird . I have clients who knew I was expectant so I am already thinking of the conversations that will come up when they ask, “ when are you due?” or “ how is the baby” ~I can not blame them.
The ones who have not seen me in a while will think that I am currently pregnant. This happened with one of my neighbors, who asked me this weekend “ are you pregnant “? I was numb!!!! . How do I respond to that? Maybe I should have said ‘’ooh, I was pregnant 12 weeks ago but not anymore, what you see is just my body trying to go back to pre-pregnancy stage which is not easy’’.
There is a great transition that happens to a woman’s body when pregnant. I have friends who will go back to wearing their skinny jeans a week after delivering . as for me, when I am pregnant , even my teeth gain weight . It took a long time and hard work for me to go back to my normal weight after IJ was born . With Olivia, by 12 weeks, I was already showing and puffed despite my eating healthy and jogging everyday.
Anyway, so you can imagine going through my closet this week trying to see what will fit me and asking myself whether I should just wear my comfy maternity clothes as those are really comfortable . I work in sales and when you hear sales person, you picture sharp business skirts and pant suits . I am afraid that won’t cut it this time around as I do not fit in any those suits and I do not want anything tight on my tummy at this time. So I have been looking for skits with elastic bands and business like but still comfy dresses .
For those who took time before going back to work after a loss. I am sure you went through a state of being concerned about everything . I don’t want t say state of worry’ but you tend to think about everything that will happen during your transition to your previous rhythm. Will there be silent awkward moments with your colleagues? how do you respond to insensitive questions and so on.
Before all this happened, my usual routine is 8/8.30 pm is bed time and 5 am waking up time. However, my rhythm for the last 12 weeks has been all over the place. In the beginning I could not sleep well, so I stayed up late and got up late which made me even more tired.
Usually, every weekday after my morning devotion, I take my quiet time to the streets of Maastricht and jog ~ I have only resumed jogging 3 times in the last 2 weeks. This was my way of getting back my energy and trying to avoid thrombosis after all those inactive during bed rest at the hospital and at home. At the hospital, they gave me shots for this.
The reason for my post this morning is gratitude. I am thankful for the last 12 weeks at home and being surrounded by such a strong social support system. The 1st time, we went to talk to the ‘loss counselor’ a month after Olivia was born, the counselor. said, “ I feel that you have a very strong social support system, but I am here if you ever need me”.
This is true because, for the last 12 weeks, I have had friends who have visited from near and far, warm meals cooked and delivered to us, playdates and babysitting for IJ, my house cleaned, friends dropping by just to pray and leave, friends who ‘dragged ‘ me outside for long nice walks when they knew I needed it but would say know if they asked politely.
So they took the liberty to just invite me because I will not turn it down:). I have had tea dates, movie nights and so many great moments to celebrate friendship but also just be myself around them.
If it was up to me, I would have gone back to work maybe 2 weeks after Olivia was born as I felt there was no reason for me to stay home. Those who have talked to me know that I really struggled with this the last 12 weeks. My husband says that I never stop to rest,which is true. Even when I need to rest, I always find things to fill up my day with.
I guess I have a problem with JUST BEING. Even though I have struggled to just be’ in the last 12 weeks, I have also enjoyed moments of ‘just surrendering’ to God’s will and letting down my control guard ~ just like this song from Casting crowns.
JUST BE HELD.
And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you’ll find Me
And where you are, I’ll hold your heart
I’ll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who wont let go
The corporate / company doctor said during the ‘control appointment’ “take as much time as you need to heal and be fit and I will see you in a few weeks so we can plan your going back to work”. I was so shocked. I even called my mom “ mom, I feel guilty staying at home and not being at work but the Dr. did not help, she said “take as much time as you need”.
My mom works as an account and payroll officer in a company and was also shocked. she said, “you mean you can start home until you fully recover and feel fit to go back to work and your work will be waiting for you “? She works with both contract employees and those who only get paid when work is done. I for one had a temporary contract that was almost expiring when all this happened. So you can see why she was shocked but also grateful that I work in a society where this is possible.
Talking to other women who were forced to go back to work as early as 2 weeks after their loss due to financial burden made me realize how privileged I am to be able to work in a society where ‘occupational health ‘ is seen as a priority be it for employees with a temporary or permanent contact.
I have read stories and also talked with friends in other parts of the world, where sick leaves are unheard of especially when one has worked in a company for a short time. So women are forced to go back to work immediately after delivery or else they will lose their jobs. This is because they might have lost their baby before viability so the insurance companies won’t cover maternity leave.
We are all go through different situations but all I know is, for those in areas where sick leaves are limited , lose their jobs if they do not report to work because they did not save enough hours or for those who are still struggling and find themselves forced to get back to work before they recover because of financial burdens, I know for one that speaking out always helps.
You can reach out to your extended family for support as you recover, I know families who have taken up disability covers as it’s available for them, you can reach out to your friends and church family for support as you heal.
I also know for some women being home all this time can drive them crazy so they rather be at work and feel like they are doing something beneficial. I guess a balance has to be made between taking time to heal and recover well enough so as to be a functional employee and going back to work when time is right.
For me, I was just trying to evade my emotions and wanted to ‘hide’ at work. I am grateful that with the help of the corporate control doctor’, friends, and my husband, I was able to really be in the moment and take time off. I do not take for granted that my company gave me the space to grieve and heal.
Encouragement:
One friend of mine made this little sparrow and sent it to me while another friend visited me from far with this ‘Delt blue tea pot. Both pieces are unique in their own and their stories powerful in a spiritual way.
1. The Sparrow :
In the bible, there are many instances where we are reminded of why we should not say we are afraid, actually it is said to be more than 365 times. That means, we have one reminder for each day. In Matthew 10 : vs 28-31 is key this morning. ~ because if His eyes are on the Sparrow, how about us valuable humans made in His own image.
28 Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. 29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Jesus reminds us that we should not have fear even for death because we have eternal life in him. In Romans, we are told that nothing in this world or in heaven can separate us from His love. Remember “The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?” (Psalm 27:1-2)
Luke 12 :22-32
Do Not Worry
Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn, yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
“Consider how the wildflowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith!
And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
“Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.
You have been given the power to claim the kingdom, so let no fear nor worry take that away form you.
2. The Delft Blue teapot
The Delft blue teapot paints this picture of God as the potter molding us into vessels he wants us to be and perfect for his kingdom work. (Delft Blue is the world-famous earthenware that has been produced in the city of Delft since the 17th century) The way He has created you and where he has positioned you, even in your messy circumstances, you are to be His hands and feet to bring glory in his name.
God has created us wonderfully
Psalms 139: 13 -15
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the eart
“Hath not the potter power over the clay, of the same lump to make one vessel unto honour, and another unto di)shonour?” Rom. 9:21
Gen. 2:7 “And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul”
* Know that we are made with a purpose. No potter sets out to mold without a perfect vision of what they purpose to make. We are not made into random vessels for any random work. Let us walk in that confidence knowing that God our potter has molded us to be faith filled and not worry filled vessels.
Jeremiah 18:1-6 The word which came to Jeremiah from the LORD, saying,
2Arise, and go down to the potter’s house, and there I will cause thee to hear my words.
3Then I went down to the potter’s house, and, behold, he wrought a work on the wheels.
4And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it.
5Then the word of the LORD came to me, saying, 6O house of Israel, cannot I do with you as this potter? saith the LORD. Behold, as the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are ye in mine hand, O house of Israel.
The truth is, we are in Gods hands and when life becomes hard and we start worrying about what we will eat or wear or how we will survive, God wants us to rest in His hands as He re-shapes us and mold us into vessels of honor. Our human nature likes to complain and take issues into our own hands to control but God still has patience to continue molding up into His master piece.
Ephesians 2:10 “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago”.
Philippians 1:6 Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:
As we go about our day, let us to not allow fear or worry to get hold of us, instead let us try gratitude and surrender our hunger for control in obedience to the one who has the clay in his hands, because really, He cares for us. So, I surrender my emotions as I go back to work today.
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you
Psalm 139
1 You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there, if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body, all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God! How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand- when I awake, I am still with you.
Love always,
Nelly.