Today marks exactly 6 months since I gave birth to my angel and she went to be with our Heavenly Father.
Two weeks ago, I met I-J’s former class teacher who had not known about Olivia. In our conversation about the usual daily life issues, she found out about Olivia and was saddened. She then mentioned that she also had a baby girl 16 years ago who never made it home from the hospital. She recalled it as one of the most traumatizing and sad times in her life which she has never fully recovered from~16 years down the road.
This made me realise once again that when we begin to open up, be vulnerable and invite others into our struggles or fears, it opens up more opportunities for others to continue finding strength and reassure them that they are never alone. For some, you talking about your experience makes them open up as well.
Talking to her and the many other women I have talked with, I realized that so many women have lost children, others later than others but some even before they got the chance to tell the world about their baby’s existence. The individual experience for these different women changes them differently and completely.
You never really go back to the person you were before such experiences. The only positive response is walking in faith and hope having the full confidence that even in such times, the sun will rise again.
Since I started opening up about my hope journey, I have realized that not talking about my Olivia, hurts more than when I invite people to her story. In the beginning, I know that I held back my feelings because I needed the courage and strength to put myself through the same terror filled emotions again when the grieving process started.
No Matter how thankful I am of this being my journey and my story with Olivia, I will never understand what happened but am grateful for the clarity I have now, even though I am not YET at the place where I can say “…it is well with my soul..”.
I look back and remember some moments during my day even before the complications started and then I get goosebumps because I realize how God was preparing my heart for what was go happen last August ~ {post for another day}. This puts into perspective the immense peace I had during those 2 weeks of admission and uncertainties as doctors did not know what to do.
I would tell them “ our father knows, and we have no fear just hope like our daughter’s name “. Till today, my case is being discussed at the monthly meetings of high level/risk doctors as being unique. My journey makes me continue being in awe of the miracle of giving birth and never taking that gift for granted.
There is something about grief and sadness, one moment you are totally fine and then one petty thing makes your heart ache and you feel like nothing will ever cure your sadness. Some days in the beginning were really difficult and there was tension even between my love and I but grateful for wisdom to just take some space to escape for a moment to our individual hobbies or just quiet time.
Most times, we took the time just to enjoy each other’s company as well us being entertained by our dear I-J and being the best parents we can for her. As we move forward, we have come to respect each other’s emotions but also cherish our time together. IJ also now talks freely about Olivia and sometimes we even make family jokes of all of us including Olivia. Her story is now beautiful from IJ’s perspective and no more bitterness.
We held back on setting up Olivia’s send-off service for when we were ready to go through those emotions again. I had most things planned out on how I envisioned it and also got some support from our church.
However, time passed and I realized if I waited for the perfect date for that, it would take months or maybe years. What we or more so I wanted, was just a moment to mark a physical closure. A time of thanksgiving for life, for the time we shared with Olivia and finally surrendering her to our heavenly fathers who started her story and graced us to be her parents.
So, finally this past Thursday on the 31st of January , we finally felt it was time for this closure and let our beautiful butterfly fly away and Rest Peacefully. We released her to God so our hearts can find complete healing. Though spontaneous, it was a perfect evening. We had dinner with our pastor’s family and afterwards, invited God to take over our emotions as He continues guiding us through this healing journey.
It was a beautiful time in prayer and complete surrender to God and we were grateful for God’s presence honoring our invitation. Thankful for the support we have received and still receive from our church family and friends both near and far.
Just want to encourage anyone seeking closure in any circumstance , to take time that feels right to them and know that when the time to step forward in faith comes, you will sense that feeling of peace surrounding you.
Know that our father delights in hearing your prayers and everything going on with your emotions. Invite Him no matter how ugly those feelings are and He will meet you at your point of need.
Love always.
Nelly.