Cont.~ Unmasking God’s Grace:
Where Does Your Perfectionism Stem From ? {shame, fear of failing, making mistakes and disappointing people, not meeting people’s expectations……}
In the 1st video, I talked about perfectionism and how it is unhealthy because , it is only Christ who came for the imperfect us , to make us perfect. If He found us perfect, where would that leave His son?.
We saw how perfectionism is unattainable , it makes you feel you have it all figured out but in the end , what we get is an exhausted person and unhealthy destructive self talk. We are instead called to live a life worthy of His sacrifice and it may look like having high standards for doing stuff but not perfectionism, our word for that session was, 2Cor 12:9 His grace is sufficient for you, his power is made perfect in weakness.
Today, I figured, it wasn’t fair just to brush off perfectionism without looking deeper and seeing where it stems from.
This might be a longer continuation of last episode but its important.
I mentioned, I will try to share most things and emotions that I have worked through so you can meet me at a place of strength but this one, is bigger than me, I have worked through the most important part and thus feel ready and wise to share this.
If you suffer from perfectionism, try to look deeper and see where is comes from.
But before we go to that.
Have you ever thought that you are enough? That you’ve got what it takes? and its not in terms of achievements, because that would mean, being satisfied with even mediocre work, saying “hey I don’t need to do anything” but its more than this. It is about your feeling of belonging, worth and value.
For me, it began when I started high school. I started to learn that the students with good grades were valued more. They were certainly treated differently by teachers. Therefore, in the four years of high school, the shame, fear of failing, making mistakes and disappointing people, not meeting people’s expectations begun in my life.
I have found myself saying yes to many things because I did not want others to criticize my under performance. Which means, I hate confrontations, if something does not go against my principles, I will let you win the discussion or argument.
Unmasking God’s Grace part 2: Healing from SHAME:
Please take a look for yourself what shame means.
“shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self; withdrawal motivations; and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness.”
But many of us will say, it is more than just a feeling because you live it. You are in the front seat of it, so it cant be a feeling.
It took me being part of some therapy and writing a biography about my life for me to finally see it.
I remember, I once broke down at the office in front of my colleagues, and my boss mentionef that it may be seen as a sign of weakness. Coming from my culture, yes it is seen as weakness but knowing what I know now, I did not cry for weakness.
I broke down, because I had worked hard so much to produce ‘perfect’ results which wasn’t seen by someone who made a mistake and didn’t even care. I broke down as I felt sorry for that individual for not being able to see their fault and because it was like I had failed.
Before motherhood, my striving for perfectionism was a counter effect of coping against shame, judgement and blame. I wanted to prove that I can do better. Even though, those I was trying to prove myself to, were no where near my life. Its the continuous struggle to belong , feel noticed, to be good enough. I was trying to earn approval from external standards made by man.
After marriage, I did it because , I wanted to be the perfect wife and after motherhood, I did not want to be blamed for unruly kids, untidy house, untidy kids. For me, it reflected to me as having failed and not that my actions fell short. You feel like you have failed, just like how I was brought up, being a good kid meant helping out, saying yes, didn’t talk back, didn’t question authority and so on.
I was in a spiral and it took me losing my daughter 2 years ago and almost losing my life, to finally try and let go of all unhealthy expectations. Being hospitalized meant I wasn’t home to control how things were being done, or what conditioner my husband was using on I-J’s hair. Life happened and it did not take me lifting my finger but only God’s grace.
So, have you ever told your self that you are enough?
Remember, you’ve Got What It Takes. Our scripture for today is,
Ephesians 2:10 “10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them”.
God Bless you,
Nelly.
Below is some words, I have written about in the book, the rest, you will have to see in the book 😉
…Over the years, discussions have emerged on alumni pages on how most students have gone on to emotionally suffer from the mental torture if not physical torture that they experienced in high school. If I try hard, my justification for these actions would be,maybe they assumed that bringing up students in a very strict environment and asserting too much pressure on them caused them to excel in their studies.
Do not get me wrong; our high school scored really well on national level. The school has produced high professionals in top professions. On the other hand, it has also led to rebels, students who always found themselves on the wrong side of the law because they were guilty of petty mistakes yet tortured for it and not corrected or made to understand the nature of the mistake.
For example, those found walking on the school pavements instead of running to class were punished by kneeling on gravel in the scorching sun for a several hours, getting whipped on their behinds over and over or digging a trench on a rough terrain.
The bell would ring again, and it was assembly time. Those of us on the wrong side of the law would not know what mode of punishment awaited us. Could it be because of the chatting we were doing in class even if it meant asking questions to a classmate, or was it because I was wearing my socks to the ankle and not pulled up to the knee as it was supposed to be?
Assembly time was like facing the judge, where the accusers, the class or dormitory prefects, would call out your names and you would match forward; it was always a walk of shame with all teachers and whole school present. Most of the time, you would be belittled depending on which part of the country one came from, how well off your parents were or were not.
I remember how some of my classmates were belittled on how they would never amount anything because of their accents but have gone to become powerful attorneys in the country. In school, you were shamed for the things you did and not corrected for the mistakes. Therefore, no lesson was learned except not repeating the action again for the fear of being ridiculed. It only made you feel like a failure, doomed for nothing and not you just having made a bad decision.
This over-assertion of power on innocent students made me always be on guard, constantly checking myself and wanting to prove myself. I wanted my actions to be louder and to be seen. I do not even know why.
All I knew is that I wanted to deflect from the feeling of being shamed, and the only way of coping was to get attention by doing the opposite of what was asked. Being favoured or worthy meant pleasing students in power or teachers or even pretending so that you are seen as good and accepted. I wanted my own terms, and that landed me the title of arrogant and a position at the ‘able and unwilling’ group of students.
This meant that we were smart, capable, but not willing to put any effort in learning. Thinking of it now more than 15years later, I think this was sheer abuse of the highest order.
These are the same teachers given the mandate to bring us up and train us to be leaders of tomorrow, but here they were, shaming us and belittling us. When you did not learn the same method that was proposed or forced upon, you were seen as not trying enough. Forgetting that we all learn at different paces and pursuing different methods, one method does not fit all in any education system……..to be continued.