There are so many stereotypes around breastfeeding – what is right, how it should be done, how long, exclusive feeders feeling better than formula feeders etc.
I have come to learn all through my pregnancies, that in the Netherlands, breastfeeding is advised and formula is not looked down upon. Around the 3rd trimester, the midwife will ask you a couple of times whether you choose to breastfeed or formula feed etc.
Many women choose formula for various reasons. I found this very odd, the answer in my head was always ” …but offcourse…what else, why do you even ask, aren’t we all supposed to be exclusively breastfeeding our babies?”.
So, I had IJ and exclusively breastfed until 6months, introduced solids but kept breastfeeding till she was one.
With Olivia, milk production started 5 days postpartum after the crazy most painful engorgement period. I always say, breast engorgement can be worse than labor. The midwife and gynaecologist opted to give me this medication to stop milk production so it would be less emotional for me as there was no baby to breastfeed but plenty of milk, even at just what would have been 24weeks gestation.
Anyway, so I refused medication and chose to do it the natural way because I somehow wanted to experience the pain . I kind of felt that, me going through that pain justified something – not sure what. I had lost my baby, so what crazy engorgement pain could compare to that loss. I drank a lot of sage tea, fresh lemon juice, cabbage leaves on the bra, even the traditional tying method. After one week, the engorgement was less and within 3 weeks milk production had stopped.
Fast forward to now, after I had the baby, she was born with an appetite. Day one and two was no problem. Come day 3, baby was screaming of hunger, I latch her, she ‘kind of drinks’ but falls asleep 10 minutes into it and we think, she had enough. Only for her to wake up 30 minutes later, screaming her lungs out. Midwife, suggested formula to see how she reacts to it. My heart shrunk. I couldn’t imagine that my baby was going to have formula while here I was full of milk.
That night, we didn’t sleep because well, she was hungry after each feeding no matter how I latched her.
That night, I decided it was time to try formula for the sake of the baby. I kind of felt that my body was failing me again. By this time – day 4, the engorgement had started, so I wasn’t in my right mood or senses anymore with the pain. The next morning, midwife telepathically came with formula as well.
She prepared about 30ml of it and gave to baby, who finished it in less than 5 minutes. I watched the whole time. I had mixed emotions – I was happy she was finally eating but sad that she wasn’t getting it from me, the way it’s supposed to be.
This impacted me in some way, that led to to me not taking care of the engorgement, I didn’t care anymore for two days. The breasts were so full and so hard like stone. Each weighed about 2kg. I was swollen from my armpits downwards.
I couldn’t carry anything. Any contact with anything was traumatic. At the same time, I had pelvic issues, so I couldn’t walk for a week. I literally had to be helped out of bed by both postpartum nurse and my husband. I was dealing with a lot of things at the same time and these weeks were very hard.
Am grateful for the intervention of the postpartum nurse who comes with you at home and helps you for a week,as she motivated me to start doing something about the situation. She told me on day 6 ” today you are going to express milk, don’t feel defeated because you can’t breastfeed your baby, you still can do it”. I didn’t even budge .
Pumping is inhuman but very necessary especially for mamas who have opted for breastfeeding but also have to spend long hours away from the babies. Pumping then comes by default. It’s lonely as you do it in the late nights as well, deserted conference rooms, it may distort your nipples or even cracks them causing one to pump bloody milk but hey, it’s all for the good of the baby .
Anyway, she knew where my pumping gear was, so she later brought it down, put both the electric and manual one on. I came into the room to find them on the table with her waiting. I started expressing and wasn’t motivated at all. By the end of the session, I had done about 800ml..
This motivated me to pump more, and tell my brain, it’s time to do this! The only luxury problem is that I was now overproducing. I later heard that it’s not advisable to express a lot before 6weeks because the body doesn’t have a feeding rythm. Anyway, I was pumping 4 times a day and proud of myself that even though baby was ‘lazy’ to feed directly, she was still getting my milk. I later reduced to 3 times a day.
Fast forward to 4weeks up until now, eczema showed up and we thought ” this is maybe the same level as what IJ had” which we managed and she somewhat outgrew it. So, we moisturised her a lot but by 6 weeks,no improvement. We were then given some ‘ strong Vaseline ‘ which didn’t help at all.
At 8 weeks, her body had flared up, all red, scratching herself any moment her scratch mittens had fallen off, she wasn’t sleeping at night because of discomfort and to top it off, she had an ear infection .
We were fed up of the situation and went to ER. Where the dermatologist and paediatrician finally prescribed 5 creams which included a steroid hormone cream and antibiotic.
After one week of use, we saw good improvement but offcourse use of steroid is limited to only a week or two maximum, because of its side effects. So we now had to maintain this improvement with the creams we had. It’s still a challenging task but it will pass. We are now trying a few new innovative solutions recommended and others gifted by friends.
Coming back to mother nature, 2 weeks ago, I decided because of all this, I was going to stop breastfeeding completely. This is because, I wanted to eliminate any allergies coming from my diet. We haven’t done allergies testing yet, but I have read a lot about how different foods have led to baby allergies, and since I didn’t want to go on a trial run of eliminating one item at a time while she was suffering, I decided to cut the whole supply. It took me a long time to decide this.
So this time, I wanted the shortcut. I decided I was going to go for the medication because each time that week I fell back to expressing again, so I didn’t want to be tempted again when the engorgement started because of the full milk.
I went to the pharmacy only to be told, I needed a prescription. Going to be doctor, I was told, the medication isn’t available anymore because of the I’ll side effects it had. They had to take it off the market .
I was frustrated, the moment I want the medication, it’s not available. I went home and expressed again. By this time, even my body was confused. It was so difficult to stay off expressing because of the pain when I didn’t.
It’s been 6 days now of not expressing and boy oh boy, it’s been tough. I have been sick the whole time because of headaches, high fevers , no appetite and complete weakness. I was afraid of lactation mastitis as the past days were so bad.
Today, looks hopefully, no more 2kg breasts but a kg.
We finally shifted from standard formula to the hypoallergenic one. We want to try out this and see how it goes. When all looks good, we’ll try to incorporate the 6months supply of breastmilk in the freezer to her weaning foods in the near future or look into donating to the preemies at the hospital. We’ll see. For now I just want my baby to not suffer.
I told Eyup yesterday, ” here I am, stopping milk production while a friend of mine is struggling to stimulate milk production for her newborn . It feels so twisted, as I was the same person who was doing everything (pumping) to stimulate milk production just 3 months ago and now doing everything I can to stop it. I wish I could continue but I don’t want that the same thing that should be good for my baby could be the same thing hurting her.
This experience has totally changed my perspective on motherhood yet again as well as on breastfeeding. Who says exclusive breastfeeding mothers or ‘EBF’ kids are the best?? Not good for those who continue to look down on formula feeding mamas. It could be for so many reasons really. But people don’t even take time to realise this.
Some don’t produce any milk no matter how many lactation appointments or medication they take, others have preemies and milk takes time to get going because the baby isn’t stimulating alot since baby is confined to incubator.
My younger sister didn’t have milk with her first child and is now exclusively breastfeeding her newborn who feeds a lot and she has enough.
To all mothers, whether exclusively breastfeeding, formula feeding or those who have weaned off earlier, you are enough and whatever you are doing is important, keep going. You know best.
I have friends who weaned their babies at 2weeks because they couldn’t afford formula and their babies have turned out so strong. Then I ask myself why do we judge mothers who are offcourse doing everything in their powers, though limited in their resources, to love on their babies and care for them.
To all mothers, you are doing an amazing job just loving on your kiddos and being there for them 24/7, whether you are in good health or even in your weaknesses or sickness. Motherhood knows no boundaries even the toilet . Continue doing what you are doing because at the end of the day, all you do out of love for your kids is all that matters, the naysayers will keep giving opinions but you decide what’s best.
In other news, I go back to work this Friday, so this week is a little hard especially with sick kids and Oma Kenya herself but grateful that Oma Kenya is getting better and able to love on my babies and give them attention while I deal with myself.
Sorry, no much encouragement today just wanted to let this out and let all mothers know that you are all enough.
Much love.
Mama Faith Hope and Love.