praise

It has been 10 weeks since I gave birth to Olivia Amali and no matter how hard it has been and continues to be, I am so thankful that being able to write down my story. This helps me dig deep down my heart and my emotions to find the words and courage to highlight every step of the journey and have everything to remind me what it really felt or feels like.

This is my way of coming to terms with what happened and a way of letting the pain in my heart come out through words that can in someway encourage someone else. I am not looking for sympathy but if you meet me, a big bear hug will be lovely ;). Also, just like my girlfriend shared with me, do not be afraid to share pregnancy news with me or talk baby stories with me :). I have learned that through my pain I am opening up a platform that allows other mamas to talk about their feelings and experience.

I realize that, the more I talk about Olivia Amali, my spirit is lightened as I feel proud talking about her.I remember writing down prayers and my fears when I could not find words to explain what life felt during those challenging weeks. I remember one day being alone with Olivia in my arms after the photo session with the ‘make a memory foundation’.

I reached for my phone and took a selfie with Olivia as I couldn’t seem to describe how I was feeling at that particular time and taking a picture was the only way I could look back at my face and see what it was screaming for in silence. I haven’t had the courage to look at that picture since the day we left the hospital, it’s going to be so hard to look at it but am thankful for it.

In that photo, I know I look dumb but am definitely present and sitting right in the middle of my messy emotions. I can not explain how I got the courage to take that selfie, or the posts I continue to write. I know the strength wasn’t my own to be able to document my life in the darkest storm but am so thankful.

There are so many women who have suffered losses in one way or another and it is a difficult thing to talk about. I know some people, they would not want to remember such pain and such un-welcomed memory but I do. I want to go through emotionally what I went through as everything happened so fast during my admission at the hospital.

It felt like I was just going through the motions to survive and keep my baby ‘’baking’. By going through my emotions, I also remind myself of how great our God is. Giving birth to Olivia, not being able to hear her cry, and coming to terms that she might not make it made me hurt more and broke my heart. However, it is something beautiful that birthed a miracle in itself.

I have definitely become a different person. I have begun to embrace the fact that this is my journey, my story and as painful and heartbreaking it has been, it has also allowed me to really cherish and appreciate each moment and not take the miracle of giving birth for granted. Olivia Amali has renewed my wonder for life.

No matter how the cycles of pregnancy ( from conception to delivery) are assumed to be so basic, they are also extraordinary and are literally a matter of life and death. There are a beautiful miracle and brutal reality of how humans enter the world and we all have beautiful yet delicate mysterious birth stories. The pregnancy cycle leading up to delivery is one mystery and miracle the human mind can try to intervene but still can’t fully understand.

Sometimes, it doesn’t matter whether one is healthy or not, each pregnancy to delivering a healthy baby is a miracle. As much I want to validate Olivia Amali’s life with a greater reason by honoring her, her life, and building a community that would ensure that her life would never be forgotten. I also want to make sense of the pain, the loss, and the longing I feel. I am sharing my story for something so much bigger than me, bigger than Olivia.

I long that this will bring hope and joy to those who are hurting. To build a community for those who feel alone and to be a source of everyday help amidst the confusing and terror-filled walk of grief. I have received some very insensitive remarks about what happened that made the experience seem so light.

So sometimes, I start writing down my journey and story in frustration just to open up about how painful the experience was and paint a picture just for everyone to understand what I really went through. The truth is, one can never grasp as I am still struggling to understand what I went through myself.

Instead of trying to make everybody understand, I now take those remarks as the Holy Spirit nudging me to reach out to the Lord and rest in His goodness, with a confident trust that He did not- and will not leave me alone. Letting me know that He is the only one who is bigger than my story, He is the one who can grasp it more than anyone and He is the God who knows what it is to lose a child and to be silently grieving.

There are so many families hurting because of the loss of a child and the more we dig into our griefs and terror filled stories, the more ways we see God revealing His joy and hope to others. I therefore, choose to walk down this road of grief and sit in the messy emotions not knowing how He is going to use my story or other women’s stories in the long run but for now, I will rattle through my words until I find the right way to express them.

I will be present and share each time I get a chance, and I pray that God will use our words and let them reach the intended people. I want families and mamas to hear our story and realize that the terror in their current situation is only for a season. I pray that families will choose to be ‘present ‘ in their dark days and encourage them to be hopeful while not ‘hiding the pain’ and that it’s okay to keep their grief silent only for themselves.

I also pray that as they open up and grieve and move from ‘silent grief’ to ‘public grief’, they will find a community or platform where they can openly acknowledge and freely talk about it.It is really true that when a baby dies, the pain is no longer the family’s but becomes a community pain.

I now get words of comfort from random parents during school drop off, lovely elderly neighbors I haven’t spoken to (more like waved at):) in a long time and many others. My family is grateful for all the love and support we have received and happy that we can grieve her not only silently in our home but openly in the community.

My heart aches for the unspoken griefs that other families carry, the fears and pain too deep for them to speak loudly of, the unfulfilled dreams and silent shames. Marriages quietly suffering due to the traumas that have shaken couples, abuses, unmet potential, children losses, broken hearts and the fear of never being enough.

No one actually brings such grief in the public. Couples mourn in the silence of early miscarriages and all the above. As much as no one brings such griefs up, let us strive and live in kindness knowing that for many out there, these struggles exist daily to them even when we do not see it openly. I want to remind those of us in grief to mourn in hope by intentionally choosing to ‘sit /being present in the grief’. it doesn’t mean sitting in the grief forever but for a season as God leads our hearts to healing season.

Let us, therefore, feel the freedom to mourn but with hope – hope which is beyond this world. Thessalonians 4;13. “Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope”. One thing to remember is that no matter how messy they are, our emotions are still valid.

However, there is a healthy way of grieving one where you do not let the grief soak you to the point of it being used by the enemy to destroy you. As Christians, we grieve knowing that we have the assurance of the resurrection in Christ Jesus. Let us not glorify the ashes but allow His praise to be always on our lips.

I want to continue sharing what and how our journey towards healing looks like to encourage others that we do not have to do this alone. God is never surprised with everything that happens in our lives. He is faithful, He is all powerful and He has not forgotten about us. He is still God , good and there is nothing that can take us away from His love.

Let us embrace the purpose of suffering and pain as it’s through them we can experience God’s comfort. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”1 Corinthians 1:3-4.

I pray that one day, I will share of what it feels like to be on the other side of these grieving season and stand in awe of how we survived the terror that shook or world. With confident trust and faith, I know that by God ’s grace, this will be a reality and we will abound in joy and happiness.

For now, we continue in this journey, accepting that this is how our story with Olivia Amali was meant to be and we have to continue to be grateful for that. In the meantime, we continue to open up and share experiences that are most often stuffed away, let us continue to raise awareness and break the silence of the ‘silent griefs’ while helping others cope.

I wish for kindness – kindness for everyone whose pain remains unseen and unspoken as everyone we meet is always fighting a battle we know nothing about.

Love always,

Nelly.