losing a daughter

#TRIGGERWARNING: Pre-term Labor and sensitive details.

Cont….

I broke down at church Sunday morning during prayer time. I was sad for a moment but I prayed that God would surround me with his Love, at that moment , I felt an overwhelming presence of the Holy Spirit around me. It was so strong that I could not stop the tears. The next reaction was me running outside to the toilet and screaming there. Not that I couldn’t do this in the sanctuary, but I felt this was just my moment and so I obeyed.

I didn’t see it coming but this month has been really hard on me, as its supposed to be the beginning of my maternity leave and Olivia’s due date is drawing near.

AUGUST 6TH: I woke up thankful for another day with my baby still inside me and was ready for the new day. There were no major chaos in the morning apart from little blood clots here and there but nothing to worry about. I mean, I came from ‘gushing ‘ active bleeding the previous day’s, so seeing only clots was a sign that no more active bleeding was taking place and it was just my body getting rid of old blood.

My birthday was the next day and some friends were coming to visit that afternoon and also to bring me some delicious carrot cake to ‘celebrate ‘ even though I was still in the hospital and it might have felt ‘wrong’ to celebrate.

That afternoon, a few minutes after our friends walked in and we exchanged pleasantries, I felt the urge to pee and this time, I felt that my body was giving me signs that things were not right. Instead of peeing, a huge clot the size of my palm fell in the toilet and I again screamed for my husband , who came rushing from the room to the toilet.

We pressed the ‘emergency bell’ and the nurse came rushing in as well. Deep in my heart, I was trying to calm myself that this was not active blood but just old blood. A few days prior to this day, the ‘placenta specialist’ had seen that a part of the placenta had separated from the main part and was to come out either earlier or during delivery. So, when that clot came, I was re-assuring myself that everything was going to be okay and that this was the ‘outlier’ placenta coming out.

The nurse did an ultrasound and Olivia was still as active as before, the nurse said that, if any bleeding starts or more clots came, I should call them. I went back to the bed and continued chatting with our friends. Within minutes, I realized that my body was giving me signs again that something awful was about to happen but I pushed that thought away and continued chatting ~ though struggling.

After about 5minutes, I decided to request for a heat pad for my lower back pain, this did not help. I felt the urge to pee again and a bigger clot followed, I re-assured myself that my body was ‘cleaning’ out the unwanted parts and leaving everything clean for Olivia. {Did you ever wonder how your scar heals itself and new skin forms? Our bodies have the power to self heal and that’s how the body gives us signs and warnings when things are not right}.

I returned to bed and this time, I could barely hold any conversation and ‘kicked my friends out’ (“ I am sorry but you have to leeeeeeeave”).

I have told this part to some before, I know that every woman experiences labour pain differently. For some its a one on the pain scale and for others its a ten, but for all of them, the pain falls in the ‘child birth labour pain scale’. The pain I felt in those minutes, were out of this world.!! I know I can take physical pain but this was beyond me and quite abnormal. My husband said later that, I was almost tearing the steel bed down.

Have you ever witnessed a dam when the water is being released? the amount of pressure from the water gushing out is immense. This is the same feeling I felt, but for me, the opening was closed tightly. So one part of my body ~the uterus was shut with a cerclage which was closing my cervix tight and keeping Olivia from being born early.

While the other part of my body was responding to mother nature’s call to give birth. My body could not hold off the labor anymore and there was nothing that could be done from preventing my body from going into labour mode. Except, the cerclage that was till in place! The cerclage was doing the job it was intended to do and was damn good at it, except this time, my life was depended on it.

What followed, was tug of war, where my body was ready to bring Olivia out, but the cerclage was holding tight like the dam closure creating an uproar in my uterus which would have taken my life if everything that followed took even just more seconds. My body had rejected the cerclage and was fighting it as a foreign body and this is what the doctors had been referring to, ‘me as a ticking time bomb’ with my life in danger, leave alone Olivia’s.

If there was no cerclage holding my cervix, Olivia would have come literally ‘gushing out’ of me from the pressure released inside of me, but now the cerclage was causing this abnormal and outrageous pain.
I was in so much pain and was screaming that I just wanted to be free of the pain. Which at that time did not cross my mind that freeing me of this pain, meant Olivia being born earlier. There was nothing about her that was causing her to be born earlier but just my body failing me too soon.

All along since my admission, the doctors, had been hoping that I could reach viability , which is 24 weeks, the baseline which is when they would intervene. That Monday, we were 23 weeks and 1day and the doctors were planning to do the steroid shots the coming Friday, to prepare her lungs for delivery incase pre-term labor still came.

So, we were right in between the viability gestation. So close yet so far, which is so traumatizing and I kept asking myself “who decides such standards , especially when life is at stake?~ most agonizing decisions in medicine (article).

For me, I did not really read deep into the statistics of what the success rates of micro preemies meant, all I wanted was my baby here with me. I read stories of 22 weaker babies graduating from the NICU and other preemies now healthy teens with healthy lives. I was just desperate that we could get to 24 weeks and that’s why we had shifted our weekly goals to daily goals ~ we just had to reach Friday the 10th.

Through all the groaning and excruciating pain, all I remember is Eyup’s gentle hand holding onto mine and his voice softly calming me and reminding me to breathe. However, the pain was beyond any breathing rhythm and I continued to groan right through his calm assurance. Despite all this , he did not stop assuring me that all will be ok.

Back to the bed, the nurse was trying to wrap the ‘contraction monitor belt’ around me to check how far they were. At this time, my husband ‘snapped ‘ at her and said that at this moment, she can see that this was not necessary and I needed the doctor right away.
I was then wheeled to the examination room. My husband was trying to recall that one minute rush to the examination room. He was so fast that he doesn’t remember the details. In the examination room, I couldn’t even get myself to sit on the chair. I managed to sit and within minutes, four doctors rushed rushed in the room.

I will not forget the look of one of the doctors, the same one who had just done the last ultrasound where everything was okay. its like she was saying to me ‘’ am so sorry, how did we even get here”.

I have always refused those ‘intimate’ gyn checks even when I was pregnant with IJ. I only unconsciously allowed it during the delivery and I remember it took me a long time to even undress in front of my husband. However, during this stay at the hospital, I became a master and all decency was thrown out of the window, all for my baby to survive.

Anyway, in the examination chair, there were about four doctors staring at me and checking what was happening. During this time, the pain had subsided and one of the doctors sitting right in front of my wide legs said “ I am going to have to break ‘the water” and puff, water came gushing out like the dam that was finally free.

Within minutes of doing that, she then said “ I can see her head, your beautiful daughter is born”. This sentence made us confused , was she alive ? why is she not crying? why did the doctor say your beautiful daughter is born?.The doctor then asked if we wanted to hold her and my husband’s reaction was NO!! which he later realized was him responding in shock.

The doctors turned to me and I gladly accepted and took her with open arms. This is the best decision I ever made for both of us at that moment. I have heard many women share with us of how they never had that precious opportunity of holding their baby angel.

The doctors left the room and I held on to my baby tightly , not wanting to let go of her. What followed was Eyup holding Olivia and letting out a loud cry, more like a groan, never seen him in so much pain.

Olivia was absolutely beautiful. Born with her hands on her chin looking so peaceful and her long legs crossed. I held my gorgeous daughter and sobbed with tears running down my cheeks some more.

I counted her feet and we were amazed and marveled at her long fingers, at how her nails were already long and I stared right back at her face and whispered “am so sorry child that my body was no longer safe for you to stay in’’. My heart broke as I was holding her, I then realized that I will never know how her voice sounds, she’ll never play with her sister IJ, or I’ll never have the joy of watching her wrestling with her papa. We wanted a second child and for a long time, we were ecstatic that is was happening and now it was being crashed right in-front of us.

No parents should go through the whole birth process and not get rewarded with hearing their baby cry. At this time, I also realized that she was in the best place, a place where she will never know pain and she will know that she was loved dearly.

At that moment, sadness filled our hearts as she was no longer crying in our arms and we just had to hold on to her, love on her and let her name ~ Hope’ come alive in our lives.

The doctors came in and the confusion continued, how did this ‘big’ baby pass through the cerclage that’s was so tightly closing my cervix?
The doctor checked me and realized that, the reaction that almost took my life, was due to the pressure that ripped the cerclage (wired suture) from one size and tore my cervix and she came ‘flying’ from that ruptured side , even though the rest of it was still in tact.

The doctor took the cerclage out and advised that I needed to go to another surgery to check the damage caused as she couldn’t determine that fully in that room. I was prepped for surgery and Olivia was cleaned and placed in a small ice bath and she could stay in the room with us.

This time, in the cold and bright operating room, I was put completely under, I just remember seeing my feet flying on opposite directions and realized how fit they were apparently only under anesthesia ;)~ again all decency lost.
During surgery, which took quite long, my husband was waiting for me again not knowing the extent of the damage and whether I was coming out soon.

Thankfully, I was released to him even before my feet ‘woke’ up. We spent the night at the hospital with Olivia in our room looking like a princess who was just swimming in water.
I have read of parents who had the privilege of having their angel baby with them, either in a refrigerated cot or ice bath and I was grateful for this moment.

The nurse came in every few hours to change the ice as this made her skin look beautiful. That night, I laid in bed still in shock, stuck to a catheter and watched Eyup go over the ice bath a couple of times and just stood there staring at Olivia and sometimes holding her. The ice bath was clear, so I could see her from my bed and I will never forget how peaceful my princess looked still with her legs crossed.

I guess she was going to be lady like her big sister IJ. We loved on her, prayed together but it hurt knowing that this was also our goodbye moment , such strange moment of hello~goodbye.

As much a sadness still fills our hearts and whether the joy of our second daughter that we will never get to experience, there was no time, fear was part of the chaos that have changed our lives.

There was no time, I felt afraid. I felt the presence of God so strong the entire 1.5 weeks I was in the hospital up until that fateful Monday when my life was at stake and my princess was instead called home.
My body gave a chance for a beautiful girl to grow in it but she could not survive ‘mother nature’s ‘ call of labor and was born sleeping ~ she passed as soon as the excruciating pains and the war in my uterus begun.

On Tuesday 7th, messages came from every where. For those who knew, did not know how to say “ Happy birthday’’ but still , it couldn’t be hidden as it was indeed my birthday. At one time, someone said all the 3 wishes at once to me ~ “congratulations on the birth of your daughter , my condolences and happy birthday”. She said that even though Olivia had passed, she was still born to us and we were her parents.

Later that day, the “Make a Memory’ foundation came in to make beautiful picture memories of Olivia and us. We brought a few drawings from her big sister and made it a special time. During the photo session, we become again vulnerable to each other, Something am still learning. We are so thankful for the privilege of something so basic as pictures, but for us this was our intimate memorial for Olivia ~ just a princess with her mama and papa.

We had some carrot cake later in the day with some friends and colleagues who had come to visit. All this time (about 1 week, I had only been texting with my mom and she was still in shock as to what had happened. Eyup had been keeping her posted since I was rushed to the hospital and the surgeries etc, but she still wasn’t sure on the chronological order of the events and chaos. So me calling her a week later, helped put things in perspective like she confirmed.

I think I have mentioned this before, I know I am a woman of faith, but my mom is on another level. I have never seen her troubled ~ she is the one you call when in stormy sea and she tells you ‘’ He Knows , why are you worried?”.
However, this was the first time I was hearing her saying that she hadn’t slept well that week and her heart had been troubled, but hearing from me about what happened, really made her thankful.

I was shocked! My mom then said “ Nelly, we have to change our hearts to that of thanksgiving”. She continued to say “my heart is sad for the granddaughter I was looking forward to seeing end November but I am thanking God for your life.

Do you see how prophetic it is that she was born on the 6th, and your life was literally at stake but you survived all that and God let you have your birthday the next day day after the dark stormy day”? At this time, I was literally speechless and tears were rolling down my cheeks. I knew that the God we serve is all powerful, all knowing like mama likes saying. I put the phone down and gave Christ my heart and confessed of all negative bitterness which had put me in control of my heart.

I may be sad, but sadness doesn’t dwell in my heart because , where there spirit of God is, there is freedom and joy which passes all my understanding. I know that God continues to give me peace that gets me through the days as His mercies are new each morning. He is mourning and rejoicing with us all.

God is love and He brings life in our bones. I pray that you and I will one day sing “it is well with my soul’” what victory and testimony that would be.

Love always,
Nelly.