{"id":186,"date":"2019-04-01T11:32:00","date_gmt":"2019-04-01T09:32:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nofearjusthope.com\/?p=186"},"modified":"2021-03-03T07:55:39","modified_gmt":"2021-03-03T06:55:39","slug":"mixed-feelings-doing-it-again-in-complete-faith-hope","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nofearjusthope.com\/?p=186","title":{"rendered":"Mixed Feelings: Doing It Again In Complete Faith & Hope."},"content":{"rendered":"\n

The last 4 weeks leading up to this week have been emotionally hard on me. One being, I just passed a huge milestone for the baby am carrying ~24 weeks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Olivia was born last August at 23.2 weeks and didn’t make it. All what the doctors kept on saying more than 100 times was ” if you can only get to 24 weeks, we will then consider the baby”\u00a0or ” we just need to get you to 24 weeks”.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So many mixed emotions as in my mind, I should be nursing Olivia right now yet am carrying her sister. This is because, the unexpected feelings of grief always surprise you when you least expect them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am beyond grateful for this baby but to be honest, it’s just now that I am beginning to realise that I am actually pregnant and hopefully I can start enjoying it. It’s not like I have been living in fear, but am still a high risk mother and alot has happened since that +ve test. I will share more later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Losing Olivia has made become more aware of the reality of motherhood grief. This has made me, take this pregnancy in more faith and not just going blindly that everything will be okay. I don’t walk on cloud nine, that it’s all roses but take this new journey.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Second thing that has been hard on me is that, a dear friend whom we’ve been supporting each other in prayer isn’t sure if she’s going through a threatened miscarriage and has to wait for a while before a confirmation test is done. For me, this is the longest time in waiting where as a mother, you don’t know what to think.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Do you trust your maternal instincts and pray believing that the flatters in your belly is that of your baby. Or, do you brace yourself and prepare your heart for whatever comes.
My heart goes out to all women going through uncertainty and not sure what their bodies are going through. I pray for peace during this time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The third emotional thing is that, another friend has just given birth to a healthy baby boy after 8 years of fertility treatments and now this baby was conceived naturally. She’s writing her story to encourage other women, which I will share on her behalf with you in due time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Today is April fools right? I remember about 4 years ago, I posted a picture of me with a fake bump on April 1st. I didn’t say I was pregnant but the whole caption wasn’t clear unless you clicked on the picture. However, most of us never really notice photo captions and that’s what happened with me, friends assumed I was pregnant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4 years today after posting that picture and with everything that I have gone through with Olivia last year, I now realize how most women feel when they see ” pregnancy announcement pranks”. When most of them have to gather the courage to say ” congratulations” in the midst of their grief only for them to hear ” no, sorry, it’s April fools prank” . I strongly believe that, lying about being pregnant should not be taken lightly or as a joke especially when 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriages.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I just wanted to share with you what has been cooking the last 24.5 weeks as you have been a source of encouragement for me. I know that in sharing my pregnancy with you, that you will receive this as your testimony as well. I am only just starting to consciously be aware and be present in this pregnancy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Mixed
Mixed Feelings<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

All till now, I have been keeping up with hospital appointments, surgery and following several restrictions until your mind is only occupied with those activities and you forget to be and live in the moment and not live in fear of what ifs’. With all this, I also just told my mom the other day, so don’t feel left out if I you are just finding out .<\/p>\n\n\n\n

With the fear and mixed emotions try to cripple back in unannounced, we are taking the leap of faith into that path again. Just like the name of this page, fear might come, but I will not let it engulf, cripple me or cloud my journey of hope and faith.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I will try and dip myself into this pregnancy and embrace this child in my womb. I want to appreciate each kick, movement and flatters and not let the constant trips to the toilet to check and confirm that the pain is just from the stomach bug and not uterus cramps.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I want to fully indulge myself in faith and hope but also not disputing the fact that, this is a miracle which can and never will be taken for granted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am constantly telling myself, ” this pregnancy is different” ” this is a new journey” ” this baby isn’t and will never replace my gorgeous Olivia” and as much as am grateful and joyous, am still right in the middle of that ugly grief. It never really goes away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am a different person since I had Olivia and I have no more assumptions of pregnancy. However, there’s always a glimmer of hope<\/a>. I have decided to put fear where it belongs ~ right at the feet of my father and right at the centre of the nails he took for me and said ” it is finished”!. This doesn’t get rid of fear but it just good to know and walk in the confidence that it can never define me or this pregnancy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Going forward, I am appreciating this life and choosing Faith (Imani), Hope (Amali) and Love (Surprise \ud83d\ude09 to guide me as they are all actually my children names.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lot’s of love.
Nelly.<\/p>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The last 4 weeks leading up to this week have been emotionally hard on me. One being, I just passed a huge milestone for the baby am carrying ~24 weeks. Olivia was born last August at 23.2 weeks and didn’t make it. All what the doctors kept on saying more than 100 times was ” if you can only get to 24 weeks, we will then consider the baby”\u00a0or ” we just need to get you to 24 weeks”. So many mixed emotions as in my mind, I should be nursing Olivia right now yet am carrying her sister. This is because, the unexpected feelings of grief always surprise you when you least expect them. I am beyond grateful for this baby but to be honest, it’s just now that I am beginning to realise that I am actually pregnant and hopefully I can start enjoying it. It’s not like I have been living in fear, but am still a high risk mother and alot has happened since that +ve test. I will share more later. Losing Olivia has made become more aware of the reality of motherhood grief. This has made me, take this pregnancy in more faith and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":335,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"spay_email":""},"categories":[9,5],"tags":[209,212,208,211,207,210,206,213,205],"yoast_head":"\nMixed Feelings: Doing It Again In Complete Faith & Hope. - No Fear, Just Hope<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"no fear just hope is a platform to share God\u2019s truth, hope and love through topics that bring life, joy, awareness, comfort and hopefully some moments of laughter to you\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/nofearjusthope.com\/?p=186\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Mixed Feelings: Doing It Again In Complete Faith & Hope. - No Fear, Just Hope\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"no fear just hope is a platform to share God\u2019s truth, hope and love through topics that bring life, joy, awareness, comfort and hopefully some moments of laughter to you\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/nofearjusthope.com\/?p=186\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"No Fear, Just Hope\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2019-04-01T09:32:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2021-03-03T06:55:39+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/nofearjusthope.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/04\/james-coleman-m1lS3CwUOus-unsplash-scaled.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"2560\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1707\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/nofearjusthope.com\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/nofearjusthope.com\/\",\"name\":\"No Fear, Just Hope\",\"description\":\"Journey through loss and life afterwards.\",\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/nofearjusthope.com\/#\/schema\/person\/7d239acef2601b4cf6aa929b63bd8d6c\"},\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":\"https:\/\/nofearjusthope.com\/?s={search_term_string}\",\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/nofearjusthope.com\/?p=186#primaryimage\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/nofearjusthope.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/04\/james-coleman-m1lS3CwUOus-unsplash-scaled.jpg\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/nofearjusthope.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/04\/james-coleman-m1lS3CwUOus-unsplash-scaled.jpg\",\"width\":2560,\"height\":1707,\"caption\":\"no fear just hope\"},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/nofearjusthope.com\/?p=186#webpage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/nofearjusthope.com\/?p=186\",\"name\":\"Mixed Feelings: Doing It Again In Complete Faith & Hope. - 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